Shattered Illusions

Chapter 15.

I never saw Luke again. I was completely devastated and went through my pregnancy alone. My parents tried to talk me into an abortion but there was no way I would even consider it. I wanted Luke’s baby more than anything.

I got two letters from Luke four months apart. In the second letter, Luke sounded really down. He had only found menial work and was anxious to start his career but things weren’t working out yet. He said he wouldn’t have me move there to live in poverty when he couldn’t support me. Those were the only two letters I got from him.
My parents made it clear that I was not to contact Luke and move to New York or I would receive no support from them.

I got my high school diploma by dropping out of regular high school and going to adult high. A year after Luke left, I started college. I was living at home, working a full time job and taking care of our baby, Lainey. My parents decided I had put my life on hold long enough and told me to start college. I didn’t have a choice. It’s the only way they would help me out with Lainey and I needed them.

The first year after Luke left I was depressed. I missed him so much and wanted him to know he had a daughter, half hoping he’d come home to me. When he stopped writing I assumed he’d found someone else.
I got my bachelors degree in English. The whole time I was in college I went on 3 dates. I couldn’t get Luke out of my mind, hoping we’d be together again. It seemed he was the only man for me.

I got a copy writing job and Lainey and I moved into our own apartment. She looked more and more like Luke every day. She was a constant reminder of my soul mate.

I tried looking for Luke. I sent a couple of letters to the address I had for Luke but got no response. Two years later, I was cleaning the kitchen one night when I heard a voice on tv say, “....illusionist Luke Blade”. I dropped the plate I was drying on the floor and ran into the living room just in time to see a short interview with Luke. I stood in front of the tv, dumbfounded. It was really my Luke. He had made it just like he said he would.

After that I started scouring the internet for information. I spent the next year reading his web site, his message boards, whatever I could find that might give me an idea of how to contact him. I sent emails and a couple of letters with pictures of our daughter. I never got a reply and wasn’t completely sure he got the letters.

After a year of trying to contact him with no luck, I stopped. It was taking too much of an emotional toll on me. It had been too many years since i’d heard from him and he obviously didn’t want to contact me so I gave up. I couldn’t believe Luke didn’t want to see me again or meet his daughter. I was heartbroken and emotionally spent. I lost too many years wondering about Luke and trying to find him.

I never told Lainey Luke Blade was her father. I was never sure when I would tell her. I’d always hoped he’d answer one of my letters and come home to us and bring us back to New York and we’d live as a family. I wasn’t sure how’d I ‘d tell her now. Luke Blade was a murderer. How could I tell her now? Luke had been famous for three years and Lainey knew who he was. Whenever we saw him on tv, I couldn’t stay in the room while Lainey watched. It was unbearable.

I stayed up all night looking at my photo album and watching that birthday party dad had videotaped the year Luke turned 17. I cried and thought of Luke, our plans, what should have been and what will now never be.
I had just fallen asleep when my phone rang.
“Julianna, have you been watching the news?” It was mom.
I sighed. “Yes I have.” I replied groggily.
“It sounds like you haven’t slept.” she told me.
“Not really. I’ve got to get up and get Lainey off to school soon. I’m not going in to work today. There is no way I can focus on work. My mind is just spinning and my stomach is in knots.” I told her.
“Isn’t this a familiar scenario. You losing sleep over Luke. It’s like history repeating itself.” she told me.
“Mom, I’m in no mood for one of your lectures.” I told her.
“Oh come on. I didn’t mean it that way. I was being ironic. You’re a writer, you should have been able to figure that out. Go back to sleep. I’m coming over to get Lainey ready for school. I can’t sleep myself. We’ll talk more later.”
I layed there; my mind spinning. I was out of it from lack of sleep and everything that had hit me the night before. I layed there staring at the ceiling until I decided to get up and take a shower, hoping it was clear some of the fog from my brain.

When went downstairs to fix the coffee, mom was already in the kitchen and Lainey was gone to school. She hugged me immediately.
“ I swear that girl is the mirror image of Luke. That dark hair and those dark eyes.”
“Yeah” I chuckled. “She gets that same defiant look in her eyes too.”
Mom didn’t laugh back. Instead she gave me a grim look. Letting out a long sigh I fixed myself a cup of coffee.
“Don’t give me that look, mom. Lainey doesn’t have the temper Luke does. Luke’s problem isn’t hereditary.” I picked up the newspaper from the table and sat down. My body was feeling the fatigue from the sleepless night. I flipped open the paper and began scanning for Luke’s story not really wanted to read it because seeing it in print would somehow make it real and I was hoping it was all a bad dream. I found the article and began reading aloud.

“Illusionist Luke Blade, 28, was arrested on two counts of murder early Wednesday morning. Charged with killing his assistant and girlfriend, Vienna Hyatt, 25 and his stage technician, Austin Cannon, 32; Luke Blade was also arrested for the attempted murder of Sylvia Walker, 49, the woman who legally adopted him as a baby. Luke was just five years old when Mrs. Walker gave him up for adoption. The motive for the attempted murder is not yet clear but Luke murdered his assistant after learning she tried to sell his magic secrets to a tabloid for a large sum of money. It is believed Luke murdered his stage tech, Austin Cannon, after learning that he and Vienna were having an affair......”

The rest of the story went on to tell about Luke’s Fetal Alcohol Syndrome and his violent past. It painted the picture of Luke as a cold blooded killer. I knew Luke was not cold blooded. He felt betrayed. Two people close to him betrayed him and he lost it.
I folded the paper and said,”Im still in shock. I just can’t believe this. I never imagined Luke a killer but I can see why he did it.”
“What do you mean?” my mom asked.
“I know Luke better than anyone. It was betrayal. That's what put Luke over the edge. Those two people had been with Luke since the beginning of his career. Vienna was not only his assistant, she was his girlfriend. She tried to sell his secrets to a tabloid and was having an affair with his stage technician. Luke has always been big on loyalty and I know how jealous he could get.” I sighed. “Mom, he just snapped and went over the edge. It was too much for him.”
“I gotta tell you, Julie. I’m glad he’s out of your life. That could have been you!” Mom said.
“No mom. Not me. I would have never betrayed Luke that way.” I shook my head.
“Julie, that boy has put you through hell and he’s still doing it. I should have put an end to it when your father wanted me to, but I knew how much you two were in love and I know how much it would have devastated you. I was afraid that if I put an end to it that I would have lost you to him. I was afraid you’d run away with him some day. I just thought I could keep an eye on your relationship if I just left you alone. I still wonder if I did the right thing. Maybe if I did you wouldn’t have been left alone to raise a baby.”
“Mom, don’t torture yourself over this. I’m not at all sorry that Luke came into my life. I know so many people who have never experienced love like we had. I’m grateful for it and for having Lainey as a result of it. She’s a blessing and the best part of Luke and I. I just wish he could see her. I don’t know if he ever got any of my letters with the pictures of her.”
“You know you’re going to have to explain things to Lainey soon. Things are going to come out and you don’t want Lainey finding out from anyone else.” My mom told me.
“I know, mom, I know.” I put my head in my hands. “I’m so not ready to deal with this. I don’t want to put her through this. Damnit, Luke!” I said through the tears that were forming in my eyes.