Learning To Let Go

All previous disclaimers apply.

Author’s Note: This is an epilogue and the last chapter. Thank you so much to all who read all the way through.

“Penelope?”

Penelope Morgan couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face when the familiar voice she hadn’t heard in so long called out to her. She wasted no time and spun around quickly, immediately grabbing the handsome man standing in front of her into a tight hug. She was relieved when she heard the breathless chuckle and felt the arms go around her. It wasn’t that she hadn’t expected him to respond to her, she just wondered if she had been too enthusiastic about it.

“Lance.” She said quietly as he stroked her hair, holding onto her almost as tightly as she was holding on to him. The tears slicked her throat, but she refused to let them fall, “Going to see him?”

“It is his birthday,” Lance reasoned.

“That it is,” she responded, pulling away and looking up into his bright grey eyes, “Want to walk with me?”

“Yeah.” Even as they walked, they didn’t let go of each other, their fingers remained linked.

“So . . .” she broke the silence after a minute, “What have you been up to lately? Last we heard you were back in London getting another new show together but that was . . . gee, I guess two years ago.”

“Yeah. Well, that show moved to Broadway, then closed two months later. A rather brilliant failure, actually.” They both smiled, though not at each other, “I got an offer to do television right after it, but I turned it down. Then, I did another show, a revival, and got another television offer. I took it up. We just finished shooting the pilot. It should be airing in a few months.”

“Hmm,” she made a sound of acknowledgement, “What’s it about?”

“It’s a crime show,” he laughed a little, “I’m a brilliant, but moody, detective who can’t seem to make a commitment to his girlfriend of years.”

“Sounds fun,” she laughed with him. She wouldn’t ask him if he was seeing anyone. They both knew that if he ever began to date again it wouldn’t be for a very, very long time.

“It is,” he assented, “And you?”

“Oh, you know, kicking butt and taking names. All electronically, of course,” she held tighter to his hand as they approached the beautiful cast iron gate and peaceful grounds, “Only now I go home every night and take care of my kids. Bekkah’s three now. Diana’s two.”

“How does Derrick like being a father?”

“Are you kidding me? He’s perfect. Only, the girls have him wrapped around their pinkies. It’s pretty funny to see. Have you ever seen a big bad FBI agent in a tiara with a tutu meant for a little girl around his neck?”

“Uh . . . no . . .” Lance quirked an eyebrow and tried to hold back his laughter.

“Neither had I, until Saturday when I woke up and found them all in the living room, dancing to the music on the television. Why Derrick was the one in the tutu I still can’t get him to say.” She gave a long suffering sigh then laughed along with Lance when he couldn’t hold it in anymore.

“Derrick still with the BAU?”

“Yeah. We all are except JJ and Gideon. JJ got promoted to Media Coordinator for all of the FBI probably a year ago. Her replacement was a forty year old man. He’s grumbly and annoying. None of us like him. We spend most of our off time trying to figure out ways to get him to quit.”

“Even Hotch?”

“Sometimes. She’s getting married, you know.”

“Who? JJ?”

“Yeah. This summer. I know she would want you there, Lance. It’s hard, I know, but we all still want to know how you’re doing. We think about you all the time. Every time we think of him. That’s an awful lot, sweetheart. But, you just kind of disappeared on us.”

“I know,” they stopped and Lance pulled his hand away from hers to shove both hands in the pockets of his jeans, “It’s not that I was avoiding . . . wait, yes it was. I was avoiding you all. I . . . needed some time. I just . . . I loved him so much. When he . . . afterwards, I just needed to get away from everything that reminded me of him. It hurt so much for so long, that I could only take it moment by moment. It was like my heart had been torn out, like I couldn’t breathe. So, I cut myself off from everything that he had loved and tried to forget. Then, I realized I didn’t want to forget. And . . . I thought maybe I had ruined it with all of you, so I just stayed away. And . . .”

“Sweetheart, breathe,” she set a hand to his cheek, “It’s okay. I wasn’t asking for an explanation, though I’m glad you got that out. I just wanted to tell you.”

“Okay,” he whispered, allowing her to slip and arm through his as they fell into step, continuing on their way.

“So, you gonna call JJ?” She asked after a moment.

“Yes,” he smiled, then took in what she had said earlier, “Gideon’s not with the BAU anymore? Where’d he go?”

“About six months after Reid died, Gideon retired. He’s still around. He lives at his cabin and gives lectures on a regular basis to new recruits. He’s really just kind of enjoying being a grandfather, I think. He’d like to hear from you, too, Lance. More than anyone else, you understand what it was like . . . loving Reid. Completely different loves, of course, but . . . it might help you both a little. He’s still hurting.”

“I know what that’s like,” Lance agreed. They were both quiet for a long moment, until Lance broke the silence, “How are Hotch and Emily?”

“Hotch is great. Same old, I suppose. Best team leader ever. Only, he makes sure he’s home by five and all weekends as often as possible now. I think he kind of realized that this is it. This is all we have.”

“How are the kids?”

“Good. Jack is in kindergarten now. Reed’s so cute. She looks like her dad.” They stopped in front of the headstone they had been waiting to reach, never taking their eye from it or their hands from one another’s, “Emily is dating, believe it or not, an artist. She seems really happy.” She just shrugged, unsure of what else to say.

“I’m glad everyone’s well,” he whispered, his throat closing with the tears he was trying not to shed.

“Maybe we should just say ‘Happy Birthday.’”

Lance looked down at the headstone and finally allowed the tears to fall. Four years later and it still hadn’t stopped hurting. The pain was a little less sharp than it had been at the beginning, but still just as deep. He had a feeling it would never really stop. In a way, he was grateful for that. He never wanted to forget Spence. He had been the best thing in his life. The one thing that Lance had never really had to work at was loving Spence. It had come so easily. It was still easy now that he was gone. The only thing that was hard now was living without him. Penelope let go of his hand so that he could kneel in front of the grave and set his hand to the name carved in the stone before him.

Penelope didn’t try to hide her tears as Lance knelt in front of the gravestone. Reid would always be there, somehow. A little hole in all of their hearts that could never be filled. She missed him everyday. But, she felt him everywhere. In her children’s laughter, in the love she saw in Derrick’s eyes, even in the sternness of Hotch’s voice when they were on a case. He could never truly be gone. She knew the others felt the same way. She believed wholeheartedly what was written on the stone in front of her.

Those who burn the brightest often extinguish too soon. But, the memory of their light can never be forgotten. It is written on the hearts of those who witnessed it for all of time.

She ran a hand over the top of the stone before she knelt next to Lance and took him in her arms to rock him slowly back and forth as he cried. It would always hurt for all of them. But, someday they would be able to separate the pain of his loss from the happiness of having known him. His life had been too short and he should have been with them much longer, but that could never change how much they had, and continued to love him. So, for him, she turned her face up to the sky, where she knew he was looking down on them, and smiled.

“Happy birthday, baby.”