Careful What You Wish For

An Awkward Conversation

Sam closed the door behind Castiel and himself. As requested, he flipped the lock, and then turned around to face Cas.

Castiel had been psyching himself up the entire walk to Sam's room, trying to puzzle out what he was going to do once they got there. He was no closer to an answer once Sam had locked the door than he was before he left the motel room.

The two stood in silence for a moment. Sam gestured to his desk chair, and then took a seat on his bed. Cas sat at the desk and swiveled the chair to face Sam. Again, they were quiet for a while.

"Is my understanding correct that you have been... carrying on, in a sexual fashion, with Crowley?"

Sam almost laughed. Castiel's awkward approach certainly added some much-needed levity. "Yeah, I guess you could put it like that. He and I have..." Sam paused as he felt the words impending. He wasn't prepared to admit out-loud what he had been doing. Guilt wrenched inside him.

Sensing Sam's reluctance, Cas helped him out. "How long has this been going on?"

"Like a week. It's only happened twice."

Castiel nodded. "That's certainly a smaller number than I anticipated. Do you have any intention of telling Dean?"

Sam shook his head. "No, not really. I mean, not just because it's Crowley. It's... I don't think I want Dean to know that I..." he sighed, frustrated.

"Sam, he knows that you've had sexual intercourse with people. He told me as much himself."

"... He... what? How did that even come up? No, never mind. Yeah, he knows that I have sex with women. I'm just not sure I'm ready for him to know that I have sex with men too."

Castiel furrowed his brow. That certainly didn't think Dean would care one bit, and didn't seem to when he brought it up earlier today, but Cas knew that he and Dean shared a different kind of intimacy than Sam and Dean did, and that perhaps there were things he didn't know. "I suppose that's fair. Do you really think it would bother him?"

"Yeah. I mean, no. Well, sort of?" Sam chuckled. "He definitely likes it when guys come onto him, but that's probably just plain old narcissism. And anyway, Dean just doesn't have a very nuanced idea of sex. I think if I told him, he'd be all 'So what, you're gay now?' and then we'd get into this long conversation about the Kinsey scale and evolving sexual preferences and gender fluidity and somewhere in there he'd make fun of me for trying to go to college... I just don't want to deal with it."

"You seem troubled about this, Sam."

"Well... yeah. I am. I made this impulsive decision based basically on a desire to get laid and it's put my relationship with the person I love most in jeopardy. And then I did it again. And you wanna know the worst part? I'm probably going to do it at least half a dozen more times before I even start to feel bad about it."

"Do you think you're going to do it again because you don't trust yourself to say no, or because you're actively planning on seeking Crowley out for sex again?"

"Definitely the latter."

They were both quiet for a moment before Castiel spoke again. "Would it make you feel better if I offered to have sex with you?" Castiel watched him intently, apparently quite interested in his response.

Sam stared, dumbfounded. "Uh... Well that... See... What?"

"Maybe it would... take your mind off things?" Castiel tried his best porn-star smoulder.

Sam blinked several times in quick succession. "Why are you asking me this?"

"If I understand correctly, conversation usually turns to intercourse after that type of segue."

"That... is the problem with kids learning about sex from porn... but that's really not what I mean. Why are you propositioning me?"

"Oh. Well, since your prayer last week," he was cut off

"Unfortunate slip-of-the-mind."

"Yes, that. Since that, I've given it a great deal of consideration, and then after my conversation with," he stopped himself just before saying too much. "With... myself, today, I decided that it sounds like an enjoyable way to spend an evening."

"So, you do want me," Sam started to smile again.

Castiel nodded.

There was a knock on the door. "Hey, Sammy, you in there? You didn't even finish putting away the food, man. You okay?"

Shit. "Uh, uh, yeah, Dean. Just fine. I, uh, I'll be out in a sex. Uh, a sec. Just hang on."

Dean cocked an eyebrow. What a weird kid. "Uh-huh. Hangin' on."

Sam looked back to Cas pleadingly, and spoke with a hushed tone. "You, you know I do. I just..." he glanced at his door. "Not a great time."

Castiel nodded. "Another night, then." He vanished.

Sam stood up, straightened himself out, and tried to forget the idea of pounding the angel into his mattress. He unlocked and opened the door. "Hey, 'sup?"