Angel's Decree

Monica had been back in heaven for weeks, and in sessions with a counselor for almost as long to discuss reasons why she’d still somehow managed to hold onto her memories as a human. It wasn’t only abnormal, but it was baffling to the others who had already forgotten most or all of what they had experienced on Earth.

“Are you still having those dreams, Monica?” the counselor asked her now, during their fifth session together.

Monica shrugged. “I suppose so. Yes.”

“And are they still the same dreams?”

On this question, Monica hesitated. Her face warmed, and she coughed lightly. In spite of the promise of confidentiality, she couldn’t bring herself to blurt it out, certainly not to this stuffy angel sitting behind the desk, taking notes on a little pad in gold ink. If she told what she was seeing in her head, images of she and Andrew together, locked in a warm embrace, his fingers tangled in her hair, it might be the end of her as an angel. Of course she couldn’t hide the truth from the Father, but an angel was different. Also, she couldn’t bear the thought of the truth getting back to Andrew - or worse, Tess.

And speaking of Andrew, she’d searched all his usual haunts and hadn’t managed to find him in all the time they had been back. It was upsetting and a little frightening. She was sure he was avoiding her because in many cases, she’d turn up someplace where he’d only just left from, almost as if he’d been made aware of her prior to her showing up. At this point, she’d only wanted to make sure he was okay since she hadn’t spoken to him since they’d been back.

“The dreams are the same, yes.” She nodded.

“Still dreaming about angels on balconies…” the counselor mused. “…weird.”

Monica nodded, an apologetic smile on her face.

Since she’d returned, Monica had not been allowed to take on any new assignments until her supervisor was given her papers of clearance. The fact of the matter was, Monica just wasn’t quite there yet. She still wasn’t herself in the sense that her inner peace was off. And even if the counselors didn’t know the true reason, they could certainly sense that much.

“Alright, Monica.” The counselor pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose and sighed. “I don’t understand it, why you still have memories of your time down there. They should have faded long ago, but otherwise, at least, you’re fine. I guess I’ll see you again tomorrow, same time. Perhaps we’ll try regression therapy.”

Monica could barely suppress a groan as she smiled and waved goodbye.

Out in the vast marble corridors, she nearly bumped headlong into Gloria.

“Oh, hello Gloria.” She was glad to see a familiar face.

“Hi, Monica.” Gloria was always in good spirits. Her round little face was thoughtful now. “You’re in a hurry.”

“Oh. Well. Not really.” Monica felt the tugging in her heart for humans. She longed to help them again, but at this rate, she’d never get her chance… “I’m just hanging around. What about you?”

“Oh. Me?” Gloria consulted her notepad. “I’m on the way to an assignment with Tess. A girl, Pamela, eighteen, Atlanta, Georgia. That’s in the southeastern region of the United States… in North America…”

“Yes. I know where it is.” Monica smiled patiently. Inside, she felt a bit lonely for Tess. It should be she out on an assignment with her now. Not Gloria. Then she chastised herself for the thought. Gloria was a good little angel and in need of practice so as to hone her skill.

“Well, anyway, this girl Pamela is in love, which is nice because… well… that’s what humans do, right? They fall in love… but this girl has other problems…”

As Gloria talked, Monica got lost in the words and eventually tuned them out. She was thinking of having been in human form. She was remembering Andrew. She was worried that maybe he didn’t want to deal with her anymore. Not even as a friend. She wondered why he hadn’t sought her out, if only to make sure she had made it out all right.

“I’m sorry, Gloria.” She hated interrupting her, but she had to be alone now. “I just remembered something I need to do.”

Gloria studied her face and cocked her head to the side, an analytic look crossing her pretty features. “Are you okay, Monica? You look… sad.”

Monica tried her best to reign in her emotions, but it was proving difficult. “Yes. I mean, no! I’m fine. I’m not sad – just a wee bit tired.” She turned away. “Tell Tess I said hello. Goodbye now.”

As she dashed away from her, she let herself vanish. She didn’t want Gloria poking around and seeing her cry. What would be the point of explaining it to her anyway? Gloria could never understand what it was like to be in love, from the viewpoint of an angel, at least. She was only even familiar with it because it was a human thing to do and that was her job, understanding and helping humans. What Monica didn’t understand is where her circuits got crossed. She’d initially wanted to hold onto her feelings for Andrew. Now, she couldn’t get rid of them. They were forever imprinted on her brain. Even if she did see him now, and he didn’t remember, then she’d feel so lonely knowing that he couldn’t love her back in the same way…

. . .

On Earth, standing on a corroded edge of stone, Andrew waited. His blond hair flew into his face as the dessert wind picked up with the dawning evening. He’d been spending a lot of time in the Middle East lately, and it was taking a lot for him to stay on an even keel. This was getting to be too much – even for an angel of death. When he referred to his pocket watch, he glanced back over his shoulder to see Adam standing near as well.

“You have the time?” Adam murmured.

“Not long now.” Andrew’s features were grim as the two angels came closer.

In another instant, the car bomb exploded, and two unsuspecting soldiers were thrown violently into the fray. There were bullets and another smaller explosion in the distance as Andrew kneeled to comfort one of the men before escorting him to heaven. Across from him, Adam did the same. Around them, three or four more angels in white went to help other mortally wounded men or women.

Andrew’s hazel eyes met Adam’s blue ones before they took the walk together, through Earth and past the gates of heaven where another angel received the men and escorted them the rest of the way.

Andrew was about to turn and head back when Adam stopped him.

“Hey, where you going?”

Andrew gestured towards the gates. “I’m going back.”

“Hey, slow down there, cowboy. You’re like a maniac these last few weeks.” Adam regarded Andrew. “Maybe you should take it easy.”

“I don’t want to take it easy.” Andrew said, his face anguished. “Working is what I need to be doing.”

“Why’s that?” Adam rested a hand on his shoulder. “So you can forget about her?”

Andrew averted his eyes. “Adam…”

“Listen, I know all about it, Andrew. Any fool could see. It’s written plain on your face. And believe me, I’ve seen it enough times in humans to know what love looks like.”

“It’s not like that.” Andrew tried to reason it out in his head. “I just… I can’t think of her… like that…”

“I agree.” Adam smirked. “You’re an angel for crying out loud.”

“Exactly my point. She’s… like a sister to me or…”

Adam made a face. “Don’t try to kid yourself, Andrew. She may have been like a sister to you before, but now it’s different. You’re practically bleeding out. Why don’t you go and talk to her?”

Andrew shook his head. “Because I can’t do that. I can’t see her. Not yet.”

“Why not? The two of you need to talk. Then at least you can… move on from it. Together.”

Andrew nodded, but what he didn’t say was that he didn’t want to move on from it. He wanted to see her, wanted to hold her again. In spite of everything and the trouble they could get into, he wanted to kiss her. He put a hand to his temple as he thought of it.

“You okay?” Adam was truly concerned as Andrew’s face seemed to turn colors. “You don’t look so hot. Maybe you should go see one of the counselors.”

“No! The last thing I need is an angel poking around in my head. I can… manage without that. I think.”

“Well, I don’t know how much longer you can avoid her.” Adam leaned against a stone pillar. “There’s that gathering later, with the choir and the worship and the mingling. You know how Tess likes to put on for those.”

“I can’t be around Tess.” Andrew’s face flushed to white. “As soon as I set one foot near her, she’ll know. She picks up on these things so easily. She can read an angel like a book.”

Adam nodded. “Yes, you have a point there.” He sighed. “Maybe you should accept defeat. It can’t be all bad, being banished to Earth – or worse, purgatory.”

Andrew was shaken, but he laughed it off. “Purgatory is a myth.”

Adam grinned. “Okay. Believe what you want, my friend. I better get going.” He winked as he strolled off, vanishing as he did. “Until next time.”

“Until next time.” Andrew watched him fade away. He waited a few moments, trying to decide where to go next. Heaven reminded him of her too much. Everything was beautiful like her eyes, the smell of flowers, flowing like her hair, dark and lush. He missed her so much, needed her. It was definitely going to take a while to get over her. That much he knew, but how long?

. . .

Monica sat in a great hall listening to the choir practicing. It was one of her favorite pastimes. Tiny angels fluttered past her giggling to themselves, beautiful perfect little angels, oblivious of anything bad. She wondered if she had ever been that small, and the thought of it brought tears to her eyes. She thought of children on earth and of how they start off the same way, so innocent and so pure until eventually they begin to grow and change until they aren’t so pure anymore. She thought of how sad it was to lose something like that. Her face was buried in her hands as she cried and she nearly didn’t hear the little voice in front of her.

“Hello.” The tiny angel spoke to her, flaxen ringlets all about his head surrounding a round little face and rosy cheeks. “Why are you sad?”

Monica raised her head and wiped her tears. “Oh. I don’t know.” She attempted to smile. “I think I’m just a little lonely.”

“Oh.” The little angel climbed into her lap then and hugged her so close; Monica felt fresh tears spring to her eyes. “Well, you don’t have to be lonely. I’ll stay with you as long as you want me to.”

Monica wrapped her arms around him, buried her face in his hair as he sang to her so sweetly in his rich viola voice. “Thank you, wee angel.” She whispered as her tears began to subside. “Thank you so much.”

She didn’t know how long they stayed that way, but eventually, someone came looking for him.

“There you are, Christian!” a choir director was reaching for him. “I knew I was missing a soprano!”

“I was helping her not be sad.” He said, but Monica released him from her embrace.

“It’s alright, wee angel.” She rested a hand on his cheek. “You’ve helped me so much. Thank you.”

He beamed at her. “Good. Angels shouldn’t be sad.”

“I’m all better now.” She waved to him as he was lead away by the elder angel. When she turned her head, she saw a familiar face and invited him to sit with her.

“Rafael, hello.”

He perched beside her on the satin lined bench. “He’s right you know. Angels shouldn’t be sad.”

Monica nodded. “I don’t even know if I am an angel anymore, Rafael. I don’t feel like one.”

Rafael smiled at her, his coffee colored face so smooth and pleasant. “You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t.”

She nodded and looked down at her hands. “I miss him.”

Rafael nodded. “I know you do.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

He exhaled, slowly. “I don’t know what to tell you. I feel responsible for your pain. I helped the two of you get together.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Rafael. I feel it was part of God’s plan, but I just… I wish it didn’t hurt so much.”

“I don’t think it has to.” He waited, and then he had a glimmer of a revelation, lighting his dark eyes. “Come to the fête tonight.”

“Oh, I couldn’t.” she shook her head. “I don’t feel much like celebrating.”

“Please, angel, trust me.” And when she looked at him, she saw that he was glowing from within, golden through and through. The sight of him like that took her breath away - the way it must be when humans experience it. “Trust me.”

How could she refuse? “Alright. I’ll come.”

. . .

Nights on earth were amazingly beautiful at times, but nights in heaven were a millions times more beautiful. The stars were so close they seemed within grasp. Marble pillars shone with the light of the moon, and the darkness was exciting and new, like every day. There was nothing bad lurking in the shadows, only happiness and love. Angels greeted one another with a hug or a kiss or a friendly wave or pat on the back.

Monica stayed her distance as she watched Tess adorn herself with colorful beads and wrap her long ebony and ivory hair up into a lovely assortment of jeweled combs. She was, as usual, a featured singer tonight, and Monica was thrilled for her.

“It’s going to be lovely, Tess. Your singing is a true gift from the creator.”

“It’s my favorite gift from Him, angel girl. And there are so many.” She turned around to regard the Irish angel and even though Monica smiled and pretended to be in good spirits, she could see the cloudiness in her dark eyes. “And why the long face?”

Monica averted her eyes. “Oh, I’m fine. I… I just.” She paused, at a loss for words. “I’m very happy.”

Tess put her hands on her hips. “I know you’ve heard the saying, ‘Actions speak louder than words.’”

Monica nodded, sheepish. “Yes.”

“Then you know that people who go around moping with slumped shoulders aren’t happy.”

Monica nodded. She was trying her best not to cry. She needed Tess’ warm embrace, but she didn’t want to give away her true mood. Tess would undoubtedly make a big deal of it, and then she’d find herself with a whole other set of problems.

“You go ahead to the concert hall without me, Tess.” Monica said in a soft voice. “I’ll come along later. First I have to… do something.”

Tess didn’t argue, but she did stop and look at the little angel, smoothing her hair away from her face, the way a mother would. “Just remember to come in through the south entrance, angel baby. And keep your chin up. Things are going to work out just fine. I promise you.”

Monica nodded. Tess’ words seemed oddly appropriate as she walked out and towards the concert hall. Monica stayed behind and dressed slowly for the performance, in a long white gown with diagonal crossed ribbons in front in the style of Greek Goddess mythology. She pinned her hair up with delicate white combs and pulled a sheer crepe shawl over her shoulders. Even if she wasn’t going to see Andrew, she still thought of him as she put little touches of detail on her wardrobe.

. . .

As Andrew materialized in heaven, he heard the glorious sound of the choir already, filling him up with joy – and it was only the warm-up! He sauntered to the edge of the long white corridor and looked inside the entrance where the crowd was filling in. There were so many angels here, but there were hundreds of millions of angels down on earth, helping humans through their trials and tribulations. Andrew wondered if it wouldn’t cure all just having a taste of this angelic sound for a few moments.

He was hesitant to go inside. He was dressed as a human right now. He hadn’t bothered to wear a suit, and he didn’t feel up to changing. He was in khaki pants and a white canvas shirt. He looked mussed and unkempt, but it didn’t matter. He would sneak around to the other side of the hall towards the south entrance, just to get a view of Tess and maybe hear a few bars of the children’s choir. It would be worth it for that, and he would be undetected there.

As he went around the hall, he saw fewer and fewer angels. The crowd had all filed inside, and he felt almost alone, but his heart told him he wasn’t. He felt himself start to shiver, and he went to the small entrance that looked like a service door and waited. He didn’t go inside because his feet wouldn’t let him. Instead he stood his ground, and when he turned, he saw her there, a vision in white, long reddish dark hair pulled up and spilling over her porcelain shoulders. Her deep brown eyes were glassy, and he felt his heart sink. She had been looking for him. All this time, and…

He went to her, took her in his arms, held her to him. Her voice caught in her throat, and she hiccupped, sank into his embrace. “Monica…” He pulled back to look at her, touch her face, her chin, trace her delicately arched brows. “… I’m so sorry.”

Their faces came in close, foreheads resting against each other’s. Her hands found his hair and dragged through the silky wheat colored locks. They were breathing the same breath and then his mouth came in close and met hers, so powerful it took her breath away. He parted her lips with his and tasted her, tasted her tears, felt his knees weaken as he did. She was clinging to him, and then they were glowing, the choir’s voices elevating them even higher until Andrew pulled back long enough to rasp, “Not here…”

And then they were standing in a field, on Earth. He was holding her to him, eyes linked as he moved in for another passionate rapturous kiss. He could stay this way forever, but he needed to get his bearings. She rested a hand on his chest, above his heart.

“Andrew…” she was out of breath.

“I don’t care. I don’t care about purgatory as long as we’re together.”

She looked fondly at him, planted a gentle kiss on his lips and looked around. “Where are we?”

He looked down, his feet buried in grass up to the calf. “I thought you might recognize it…”

She turned and took in the deep green rolling countryside, the endless planes and fields, the abandoned castle sitting off in the distance regal and lonely. Her heart was so filled as she realized… “Andrew, Ireland?”

He nodded. “It was the one place that reminded me of you. For obvious reasons.”

“Thank you.” She hugged him to her. “But why did we leave?”

He shrugged. “I know we can’t hide our love from the Father, but I wasn’t so sure about another angel. I thought of Tess putting me in a headlock and I thought I should get us out of there fast.”

They both broke out into laughter, but then turned serious. “Andrew, I can’t help myself. I can’t stop thinking about… us.”

“Neither can I. It’s hard to believe we were ever ‘just’ friends. I can’t imagine that now. All the times I touched you, hugged you, and it was platonic. My angel brain couldn’t grasp the concept of loving you in any other way… until now. It’s the reason I couldn’t see you at first. I was afraid of loving you too much.”

“Will we be punished?” she asked, her voice soft.

Andrew shrugged. “I don’t know.” Then he held her to him. “I don’t want to think about it now. I just want to be with you and deal with the consequences later. If loving you is a crime, then I guess I’m doomed.”

She looked into his eyes and linked her fingers around his neck. “Kiss me again?”

He tugged her body to his. “As if you had to ask…” and then they were kissing, mouths melding together, his tongue flowing forward to really savor her. When they were too overcome to remain standing, they sank into the cool damp grass and lay side by side, his hands in her long dark hair, and hers resting on his chest. Several times, they had to call themselves back from the brink, to remind themselves who they really were, angels – not humans. The distinction was getting more and more difficult to ascertain. It was tricky to not let go completely for fear of never finding their way back, but when they found a comfortable pace, they went with it. And if it was a sin and a crime, they decided they would face it, whatever ‘it’ was, together…