Learning To Let Go

All previous disclaimers apply.

Author’s Note: Well, I’ve given the warning before, and I’m sorry if this makes some of you sad, but this is the chapter in which Reid dies. I’m sorry, but there will be no last minute miracle. Please, if it’s just going to make you angry, don’t read the chapter. There will be one last chapter after this one, and then the story will be complete. Thank you so much to everyone who has stuck by this story and continued to review. I really, really, really appreciate it. Please check out my other stories if you have the time!
P.S. Since the entirety of Gideon’s cabin was never shown, I’m just going to make up that it is on a pond and such . . . If it contradicts something in the show, I apologize.


“Are you comfortable?” Lance’s voice was quiet as he and Reid lay on the deep porch swing together as the sun began to set over the pond. Reid smiled a little. It was a question he’d heard at least a hundred times a day for the past month, but somehow, when Lance or any of the team said it, it only made him love them more. They never asked him if he was in pain, because there was always a constant dull ache in his head that could at times flare into something unbearable, as they all knew. Those were the times he just waited patiently for the pain meds to knock him out while either Lance or Gideon rubbed his back and spoke soothingly of whatever came into their minds. It wasn’t really what they said at those times, but rather how they said it. None of them ever asked him if he was okay, like the good-natured, well-meaning nurse did. She was sweet, but she asked the most ridiculous questions sometimes. They only asked the one question that could have some meaning now. Was he comfortable? Lying against Lance’s strong back, feeling one arm around his waist and one around his shoulders, the last light of day on his face, there was only one answer.

“Extremely,” he murmured, a little sleepily. When he was this comfortable, the pain in his head didn’t matter, the fact that he hadn’t been able to see a single thing for nearly three weeks didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered was that he was in Lance’s arms while Gideon sat in one of the chairs next to them and they were all able to just be in the quiet, waiting for that one special moment of the day that they shared every day, just the three of them.

Reid had only one regret about the loss of his sight. He wasn’t able to see the baby when Hotch and Haley brought her by. Reed Isolde Hotchner had been born exactly a week to the day he had come to the cabin. Seven pounds and four ounces, nineteen inches long, with a surprising amount of dark hair just like her father’s. The birthing had been easy and short compared to Jack’s. Whereas Haley had been seventeen hours with Jack, Reed had made her appearance just four hours after Haley was admitted to the hospital. She was a healthy, beautiful little thing with bright blue eyes. Everyone said that even though she wasn’t supposed to be able to focus on anything specifically quite yet, she was always looking at Reid as if she was trying to figure him out. Reid, who had been so uncomfortable around children all of his adult life, loved to hold her. He loved to hear the little noises she made and loved the fresh powdery scent she always seemed to have. Haley brought Reed and Jack by everyday, even though the cabin was extremely out of the way for her. Sometimes they stayed for hours and he was privileged to hear Gideon reading to Jack or Lance playing cars with him. Sometimes Haley would lie in the bed next to him with the baby and sing them both to sleep while she rubbed ran her fingers through his hair over and over. It was her attempt to help his headaches, and while it did nothing for those, it always helped to soothe him so he never told her.

He was lucky he had only just begun to lose his sight when Derrick and Penelope had married at the cabin. It had been a little darker and harder, but he had been able to see how beautiful Penelope looked, how often Derrick beamed at the woman he loved. They had all worn white and watched as a justice of the peace witnessed them declare their love to the world. It had been a beautiful June evening with just the right amount of breeze to keep them all cool. Earlier in the day Reid and Lance had hung little white Christmas lights around the cabin around the cabin porch so that they could stay outside after the sun had gone down. So, they spent hours on the porch celebrating with wine and music and laughter. It had been a perfect night, surrounded by those he loved the most. The more time he spent at the cabin, the more he realized the perfection and beauty in everyday matters. He thought sometimes that he was getting too sentimental because the end of his life was so near, but then Lance would say something, or Gideon would read to him from one of his favorite books without being asked and he realized that it was alright to be sentimental. He was happy. Perhaps that was all that really mattered.

“Lance?”

“Hmm?”

“Sing for me?” The request was one he had made often. Lance didn’t even need to ask him what song. He just began quietly. It was their song. Reid had first heard Lance perform it at a benefit concert and had asked him to sing it for him again when they were happy or sad or just because. It wasn’t so much the tune. It was the words. They were beautiful. Now that he had Lance and his family he also believed that they were true.

Perhaps love is like a resting place, a shelter from the storm

It exists to give you comfort, it is there to keep you warm

And in those times of trouble when you are most alone

The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window, perhaps an open door

It invites you to come closer, it wants to show you more

And even if you lose yourself and don't know what to do

The memory of love will see you through

Love to some is like a cloud, to some as strong as steel

For some a way of living, for some a way to feel

And some say love is holding on and some say letting go

And some say love is everything, and some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean, full of conflict, full of pain

Like a fire when it's cold outside, thunder when it rains

If I should live forever, and all my dreams come true

My memories of love will be of you

“Some say love is holding on,” He whispered, holding tighter to Lance’s arm around his shoulders. He didn’t know how it was possible, but . . . he knew. It was time. There was no pain anymore. The sun was setting, soon would be his moment. He would slip from the world in the exact moment it held its breath. The magic moment his father had told him about. And there was such peace. He realized he was ready. He had lived his life as he wanted, done things he loved, found someone he would have walked through Hell for and a family that would walk through Hell for him, “Some say . . . letting go. I love you, Lance.”

“I love you, too.” Lance kissed his hair.

“Dad . . . I love you,” he reached for Gideon and smiled when Gideon took hold of his hand.

“I love you, too, son.” There were unshed tears in Gideon’s voice. He understood.

Time. Time stopped. One moment a day when the world held her breath. Reid breathed out one final time and, with a smile . . . let himself go.