Within Me

Disclaimer: Of course I own none of this and make no money.

I won't lie. This chapter seriously got me where it hurts.


Dean had fallen asleep in Sam’s arms while Mae and Ella had stocked the refrigerator and started on dinner.

Mae looked through everything and chose some chicken breasts for all of them except Dean. His throat was still a bit raw and she thought soup would be best for him. Ella had insisted on making him some chicken, too, just in case he refused to eat something different from the rest of them.

Ella had helped Mae for awhile and then sat down in the living area. She had just gotten relaxed to the point she might have been able to take a nap when she heard Dean cry out. She jumped up and headed to the bedroom, Mae on her heels.

They quietly, but quickly opened the door, letting the light from the living area spill in.

Dean was sweating and kicking his legs and Sam was sitting against the wall in front of the foot of the bed with his knees drawn up and his hands fisted in his hair.

Mae hurried to Sam while Ella just tried to stay clear of Dean’s legs, frowning when she thought of how he was moving way too much for him to not be in some sort of pain.

“Sam?” Mae didn’t touch him. Something about how he was holding himself made her think he might spring on her. “What’s going on, baby?”

Sam shook his head. He couldn’t tell her that Dean was reliving it, that he was too much of a coward to wake him up from it because of the look he was certain he would see when Dean opened his eyes. He’d see the fear because he was the one who’d hurt Dean. Then he’d see hatred. He knew he would. He let out a breath with a harsh sob.

Ella joined Mae, keeping one eye on Dean. “What’s going on?”

Mae shrugged. “I don’t know, but Sam’s awake and Dean’s asleep and I have no idea what’s best for them.”

Sam knew. He needed to run. He had to get away from Dean. He’d laughed with Dean and then held him and God it had felt good. Dean had whispered promises to him about how they’d get better and they’d be okay and…shit, why was Dean acting as if they were both victims?

He wondered if he’d be as forgiving if the situation were reversed. He doubted it. He didn’t have the heart that Dean did. He remembered hearing Dean’s breathing even out and he thought maybe he’d drift off, too, but then he’d snapped awake as if a silent alarm was telling him not to chance the weakness again. What if something else took his body over and killed Ella and Mae while it fucked Dean to death? The images swirled before his eyes and sleep became a forgotten memory.

He watched Dean sleep and then he heard his name cross Dean’s lips as if he were pleading.

“Sammy…”

“Yeah, Dean?”

“You’ve got to fight this.”

Sam frowned, wondering what was going on, but not wanting to push.

“Fight what?”

“Anna’s not here. I told you that.” Dean seemed almost pleased with what he was saying.

Sam smiled . “I know. I’m glad we set her free. I think it helped a lot with-“

Dean cried out then. “Sammy stop!”

Sam had bolted off the bed and watched, horrified. He’d been there. He’d seen it, but he had been too busy screaming at Barnabas to really hear the anguish in Dean’s voice. He slid down the wall and tried to focus. He made himself listen and barely noticed when Mae and Ella entered the room. He was grateful they didn’t wake Dean up.

He needed to be punished and Dean was doing a damn good job of it.

He grabbed each woman’s hand and held them close. He wouldn’t be saved from this. He needed to hear it all.

When Dean started choking, he almost let them up, but then came the sobbing. Sam listened as his own sobbing mixed with Dean’s. When it stopped he had a feeling he was crushing the women’s hands but they didn’t seem to mind.

“What?”

Sam looked up then. He thought Dean had woken up and saw the three of them crying like babies and was ready to make fun of them. He had sounded confused as if he had no idea what had happened, but Dean was still lying on the bed and he remembered. This was the moment. This was when Sam realized what Barnabas was going to do. This was when Sam had completely tuned out to try and fight.

“Don’t do this.”

Mae and Ella could hear Dean asking, but it was far from begging. They looked at each other, each wanting to wake him up, but knowing Sam wasn’t able to handle being without them at the moment. Both sent up a prayer that Dean wouldn’t remember this nightmare since he had his own reality to keep him company.

Mae gasped as she was struck by the thought that she was about to hear what happened. Before it was just an event, something that had happened that she was aware of, but she was being threatened with becoming a witness and she was sure she couldn’t handle it. She started to move away, but stopped when Dean spoke again.

“Don’t kill me. You’re not going to get Sam. He’ll escape.”

Mae was in awe of this man who had gone through so much. Even when facing his death he had thought of Sam first.

Sam sat up more fully then. “Please…leave. Stay close, but I need to hear this.” He looked at Ella. “Please…I need to know.”

Ella was confused, but Sam was so distraught she felt she had to obey. “I’ll be right outside.”

Mae stood and helped Ella up. “Sam, are you sure you can do this?”

Sam opened his mouth to answer, but Dean interrupted again.

"Sam! No, Sam...oh God...oh God oh God….oh God…” He began to chant, obviously panicking.

Sam wrapped his arms around himself and nodded. “Please…”

Mae and Ella walked out, not sure if it was the best decision, but knowing this might happen sometime. Dean had acted as if everything was fine, but the women knew it wasn’t.

They were preparing themselves to hear just how bad it had been and sat down outside of the door to listen and to pay attention if it got to be too much for Sam.

Sam walked closer to the bed and watched Dean for a moment before sitting on the edge of the bed, out of reach of Dean. He sighed, wondering if it was over already.

"Sammy...please! Please..."

Sam stood up and started to pace. Dean had been right. He’d begged and pleaded and, while he wanted to believe Dean was begging Barnabas, he knew he had been trying to reach out to him…and he’d ignored him. He hadn’t listened. He was too busy trying to beat Barnabas himself. Maybe if he’d had listened and used Dean’s love to help him….but it didn’t matter anymore.

"Don't do this. You don't want to do this. You love me and I love you and we're going to go away and find out where this leads and this isn't you. Please..."

Sam sobbed again.

I didn’t want to do it. I’m so sorry. I know I saw this, but God…I don’t remember. I don’t remember like you do.

“That’s not true.”

Sam gasped. The voice was so strong and sure and for a moment, he wondered if Dean could read his thoughts and blamed him after all, but when he checked, Dean was still in the throes of his nightmare.

Not for the first time, Sam wondered if he was being cruel letting Dean dream about this.

No…no, he won’t tell me otherwise.

"Just let me go..."

Sam nodded. I wish you’d let me. I wish you’d let me run away…

It was quiet for awhile and Sam thought maybe the dream was ending, but then he heard Dean gagging and he prepared himself to wake Dean up just in case he started to throw up.

A moment later, the sound stopped and Sam sighed in relief. He desperately wanted this punishment.

Time seemed to hold no meaning and Sam was assaulted by the sounds.

A whimper.

“You’re not Sam…”

A scream that sent Sam pacing again.

Another.

When the gagging began again, Sam walked over and saw the tears flowing down Dean’s face. He reached out. He couldn’t handle it. He had to wake him up.

Dean thrashed away and choked back a sob.

Sam pulled his hand back, thinking that even in sleep Dean was repulsed by him.

A gasp was followed by a scream that ripped a groan from Sam’s chest.

Then Sam heard the sobbing. He turned and stared at Dean. After everything they’d been through, his brother was openly sobbing and he’d caused it. He wanted to die.

He heard the rain start falling outside and knew it was appropriate. More sounds filled the room. Gasps and moans, but Sam jumped when Dean screamed.

He didn’t stop and Sam locked the doors to the room before the women could burst in. He had to see it through. He had to.

The women had tried to get in when they heard the screams, but when they found they couldn’t, sat down and wept, holding onto each other in the face of the horror the boys were being forced to endure again.

Mae wanted to rage at Sam, but felt he was being punished enough.

Ella was worried about the physical injuries and wondered how many times she would patch Dean up before he finally healed.

When the screams faded to moans, Sam sat back down on the bed. He thought the worst was over, but it hadn’t even begun.

“Oh God! Please no! Please!”

When Dean began to scream and babble, Sam lost it. He began to rock back and forth.

Sam lost himself in Dean’s whimpers, moans, and screams until Dean screamed over and over letting it all blend into one sound that ripped Sam’s heart out. He remembered praying for Dean’s death. He’d fought so hard and Sam had prayed for his death. Dean deserved better as far as Sam was concerned.

He ran to the door as Dean fell silent and let the women in. “Wake him up.”

“Sam…” Mae didn’t know what to say. She had finally covered her ears at one point, but had still been able to hear all of it.

“Wake him up, please…”

Ella walked toward the bed to comply.

Dean’s soft voice stopped her. “Sammy…”

Sam walked over, thinking he was already awake.

“Dean…I’m so sorry.”

“No wait…give me just a minute.”

Sam frowned. Was this part of it? He had been so busy crying inside of his own body, he wasn’t sure he remembered this as well as he should have.

“Let me say something first.”

Sam jumped up and grabbed Mae. “Wake him up! Don’t…don’t let him do this!”

Mae was shocked and confused, but looked at Ella and shook her head. Whatever Sam didn’t want to hear, she felt she owed it to Dean to make him listen.

Sam walked to the wall when he knew they wouldn’t help him and leaned his forehead against it.

"Sammy...I love you. Whatever part you think you had in this...I won't waste my time trying to convince you otherwise, but...I forgive you. Walk out of here and keep me alive by remembering..."

Sam shook his head. He hadn’t wanted to remember that part. He wanted to forget how awful he was. Sam had been praying for Dean’s death while Dean was fighting to save Sam’s life. It was twisted.

Mae and Ella both covered their faces, their sadness at what had happened washing over both of them.

Mae recovered first and walked to Sam, putting her hand on his back. “Sam, don’t do this. Don’t hurt him more by not being here for him. I know….I know you want to run. I’m not sure if he’ll forgive you for letting him have that nightmare and exposing you to this again, but I do. You need to heal, baby, and if you don’t…then he can’t.”

She motioned Ella over and they both urged Sam to go to Dean while they waited to deal with any physical pain Dean was in.

Sam crawled onto the bed and touched Dean’s arm, wincing when he saw the wrist he’d broken earlier. He wondered how sore Dean would feel now that he’d thrashed around so much and cursed himself again.

Dean’s eyes snapped open, obviously having been in the middle of the nightmare still. He shuddered when he looked at Sam, but kept his eyes on his face until the panic faded.

“Dean?”

Dean just nodded. “Yeah…what is it?” He smirked, but it was forced. “Did I snore and wake you up?”

Dean’s senses picked up on Mae and Ella’s presences and he looked over at the women who had been sobbing. Taking note of their faces, he studied Sam.

Sam had definitely been crying.

“What’s going on, Sammy?” He looked over at the women. “Just…give us a minute? Please?”

When they left, he turned back to Sam. “Now tell me.”

“You were dreaming, Dean.”

“Yeah? And you woke me up. So what?”

“I didn’t wake you up. Think. Think about your dream. I didn’t wake you up. I didn’t…” Sam started crying again as realization lit Dean’s face.

“Did I…talk?”

Sam could only nod.

“You heard….everything?”

“Dean, I’m sorry, but I…” He stopped as he realized Dean seemed to be panicked.

That’s when he realized just what he’d done.

When Dean could hold onto the fact nobody really knew something, he could hide behind a wall of falsehoods to make everyone feel better, but by exposing himself to what happened, Sam had exposed Dean, too.

“Dean?”

Dean could feel it. The vulnerability crept up on him and then pounced.

“No…no, Sammy….Oh God…I can’t think about this. I can’t….”

“Dean, you don’t have to. I didn’t hear that much. I swear!” Sam wanted to run again. He’d screwed up again. He had needed to face what happened, but he never thought about the fact that Dean needed him not to know yet.

Mae was right to get him to listen to the reassurance from Dean, but if only he’d let the women in when they wanted to earlier, he could have spared everyone the pain of his mistake.

Dean shook his head, frantic with the images in his head being shown to the others. “Oh God….Oh God, Sam…He…Sammy?”

The lost and broken sound propelled Sam to gather Dean up gently and look into his eyes, willing the pain to leave them both. “Yeah, Dean…it’s okay. Just fall. I’ll catch you.”

“Oh God Sammy…..he raped me! He…He raped me.” Dean’s chest constricted and then released as silent tears began to fall. The constriction hit again and he couldn’t breathe.

Sam knew what was happening. He’d faced it, too, when Jess had died. “No, Dean…don’t fight it. Just feel it…”

Dean turned his wide-eyed gaze on Sam, choking on his own grief. “I can’t…”

“He raped you and he used me to do it. And you watched me be someone you didn’t know. I can’t imagine how scared you were….Dean, you saw me.”

Dean took a deep breath and the fact he had watched Sam hurt him hit like a ton of bricks. He released his pain in one long scream that pulled a sob from Sam with the horror of it. “Let it out….”

Dean took another breath and another and finally the sobs caught up and he cried out again as if raging against the darkness that had invaded their lives. Every moment that had led them to this was cursed and screamed at and raged at.

It took so long for Dean to finally fade into simple incoherent babbling.

Sam made sure he listened to all of it.

“I thought it was you sometimes, but it wasn’t and ohmygod it hurt so bad. It hurts, Sammy. It hurts and I can’t do this. I can’t. I want to die. Please, Sammy….let me die. I can’t stay here. I can’t do this. Oh God…Just let me die.”

Sam didn’t know when he began to rock Dean, but it seemed like the thing to do.

“He was using you and I swear I didn’t want to think it was you, but then I thought maybe some of the things he was saying were true and you hated me and wanted to hurt me and why, Sammy, why does everyone hurt me? Everyone I love hurts me and you hurt me and…you hurt me!”

The angry, but weak struggle against Sam’s chest didn’t convince him to let go. “I know Dean. I know….I’m so sorry.”

“Sammy, why? Why did you do that? I love you so much. Please…Oh God I know it wasn’t your fault. I just can’t….I see your face and…Sammy, make this go away. Make it okay again. I can’t do this!”

Sam continued to rock him and watched Ella and Mae peek in. He nodded to them and they worked around the boys, checking bandages.

“I can’t be like this. I thought before wasn’t normal, but it was. This isn’t normal. This isn’t right. I can’t be this person. I can’t be this. Please, Sammy…I want to be who I was. Please…I can’t survive this.”

Dean began to sob as logic filtered back in and stopped his rants.

Sam kissed the top of his head. “You did survive, Dean. Now…now we pick up the pieces.”

TBC…