Learning To Let Go

All previous disclaimers apply.

It was strange how fast life could change, Lance Archer mused as he slouched in the uncomfortable waiting room chair, trying to keep his emotions in check and mind from racing. Was it just yesterday that he and Spence had been so happy, relaxing at home watching movies and ordering in for dinner? They had laughed so hard when both of them were defeated by the chopsticks and tried to hide it from each other. Spence had been the one to break down and get a fork first, but Lance hadn’t been far behind. It had been a perfect day, just the two of them. This morning had been fine. He’d gotten up early for his eight o’clock dance class and was leaving just as Spence was getting up to shower for work. Everything had been fine. How could just an hour and a half change all of it? Derrick had told him that Spence had spilled coffee on himself, and then panicked a little when he realized that he couldn’t feel the heat or the pain on his skin. They’d tried ice and Spence hadn’t been able to feel that either. Then, he had just collapsed and nothing any of them did could get him to wake up. The ambulance had been there in minutes. Gideon had gone with Spence to the hospital while the others followed. Penelope had called him on the way to the hospital and told him what had happened. He had left dance class immediately. Now, he stared at the dozen paper coffee cups on the table that they had created between them in the past two hours as they waited, unable to do anything else.

“Lance, are you doing okay?” JJ asked quietly, handing him yet another cup of coffee. He took a sip, made a face and set it down before pausing to consider what she was asking.

Was he doing okay? How did one answer that question when the man you loved was dying and there was nothing you could do to stop it? Because no matter what he did now, no matter how much he wished or prayed Spence was going to die. And it would be sooner rather than later. He could never regret the fact that he loved Spencer. He was the brightest thing in his life, but he just wasn’t sure how he was supposed to deal with the fact that he was going to lose him. He had always known that Spence’s job was dangerous and there was a chance of him getting hurt or killed, but the threat had been so vague. Spence had survived a kidnapping once, then come through the subsequent drug addiction stronger for all he had gone through. If there was such a thing as karma, it kind of owed him. So, Lance had never even paused to consider what life would be like without his unbearably sweet, shy genius. Losing him was never an option. The past eight months, even knowing what he knew, had been so wonderful, he’d almost been able to forget. Of course, that was what Spence had said he wanted, so he’d just let it happen. But, now he couldn’t forget it anymore.

“Yes and no,” he answered dryly.

Then, JJ did something he hadn’t been expecting. She sat down next to him, took his hand in hers and laid her head against his shoulder. They, the whole team, had been extremely nice to him since he had met them. But, in the end they were still Spence’s family and there would always be a little distance from the in-law. He was surprised at JJ actions, but he couldn’t say that they made him unhappy in any way. He needed someone to talk to. His friends were all very supportive, but they just couldn’t understand what he was going through. The team knew, JJ knew, because they all loved Spence, too. It was a different way than he loved him, but it was still love.

“I know what you mean,” she murmured, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Did he want to talk about it? He considered again. Yes, he did want to talk about it. But, fate, it seemed, conspired against him. A doctor called out Spencer’s name and they all gathered around. The doctor seemed surprised that there were so many of them there for him, but recovered well. For some reason, Lance couldn’t seem to hear a thing he said. The sound of the ocean was in his ears and he could only blink stupidly as he watched the doctor’s mouth move. Spencer was dead, he knew it. He felt the bile rise in his throat and his breath begin to hitch. He reached for JJ’s hand again, needing her support, as darkness began to close in over his head. Finally, her voice reached him.

“Lance?” JJ was a little more shrill than she intended to be when Lance reached for her hand and she turned around to give him an encouraging smile only to see him pale as snow, struggling to breathe, and rocking back on his heels. She felt a momentary panic, and was glad when Gideon kept a cool head and stepped in front of the younger man.

“Lance,” he said quietly, but firmly, “Lance, look at me.” He waited until the sharp grey eyes focused on him, “Take a set, son.” Lance collapsed more than sat in the chair. Gideon went to his knees in front of him and set a hand to the young man’s chest, “Breathe with me, Lance. Look into my eyes and breathe with me. That’s it. Good boy. Deep breaths.” Gideon’s voice was calm and gentle as he talked Lance down from his panic attack. When he was sure that Lance was calm enough again, he began to repeat what the doctor had told them, sure that Lance hadn’t heard a word of it, “Spencer is doing okay, Lance. He had a stress induced seizure this morning when he realized he couldn’t feel pain any longer. He is conscious now and asking for all of us, but mostly for you. I need to know if you can be calm for him.”

Lance took a few more moments, breathing with Gideon before looking up at him. His voice was still a little unsteady when he answered, but his eyes were determined, “I’m fine,” he answered, “I want to see Spencer.”

“I think if the two of you went in at the same time it would be okay,” the young doctor said quietly. She had known what it would mean to be a doctor when she had decided that it was what she wanted to do with her life, but it never really got any easier, “I think he would like it. Then, a couple more and so forth. But, I think it would be best if only one or two stayed the night.” She was no fool. The young man in the room down the hall was dying and these people were family. You did not tell the family of the dying that there was such a thing as visiting hours. But, she could make suggestions based on what was best for her patient. It would be best if the sweet young man did not have to worry about all of them being comfortable tonight. She was glad when they all nodded their understanding.

“If you’ll just come with me,” she motioned and began to walk down the hall. When the two men were at her sides, she began to speak quietly, “We’ve looked at his latest scans. It looks like things are going to start progressing pretty fast from here on out. Probably less than a month. He told me that he’s requested a specific place to . . . pass. I have the names of a couple of good in-house hospice nurses. Here, this room.”

Gideon motioned for Lance to go on ahead in while he spoke with the doctor a little more. He listened carefully to what the doctor had to say, but couldn’t take his eyes off of Reid as Lance went in, leaned over, and gently kissed the man he loved. Reid looked tired, but he smiled at Lance and even laughed a little as Lance nudged him a little to lay in the bed with him. When the doctor had finally finished, giving him the numbers of the nurses she recommended, he walked into the room to see Lance stroking Reid’s hair as Reid began to cry.

“I’m so sorry, Dad,” he murmured, burying his face in Lance’s shoulder.
Of all the things Gideon had expected Reid to say, that wasn’t one and he couldn’t help the surprised, “For what?”

“I . . . I don’t know. I’m just so . . . sorry!”

“Spencer . . .” Gideon took Spencer’s chin in his hand and gently turned his face so that Reid was looking at him, “Son, you have nothing to be sorry for. You’re just tired. We’re going to get you out of here tomorrow and take you up to the cabin. You can relax there. I’ll be there, and Lance will be there, every day. You do not need to apologize for anything. If you don’t understand it by now, I’m not sure you ever will. There is nothing you could ever do . . . I . . . I love you, son.”

Then, he held his son and the man his son loved and they all wept quietly together. They wept for what they knew was coming. They wept for so many things they would never experience together. They wept for what little time they had left. And they wept because they knew they would not allow themselves to do so again.