Deceptions, Lies, and Butterflies

A week later Melissa was standing on the beach staring across the water, feeling utterly lost. She still had not gotten over her love for John. Suddenly the sky turned violet as a very strange noise filled the air. Covering her ears, she cringed until it had stopped.

When it was gone, Melissa glanced towards the jungle to see Bernard and Claire huddled near a large metal object. She soon learned it was the door from the hatch. The hatch! What had happened? Her mind raced. Was John there? Was he okay? She begged Bernard to go check.

Bernard and Mr. Eko had located John and brought him back to the beach. However, he was not well. He needed time to recover and was placed in a shelter where Desmond, who had some medical skills, checked on him from time to time. Having heeded the advice she received from Rose after seeing John in the hatch, Melissa stayed away, giving John time and space. However she would often sneak to his shelter when he was sleeping and watch him, just to assure herself that he was indeed okay. As she watched him sleep she wondered why things had gone so wrong, why he was still unable to forgive her. Unfortunately during her last visit John had awaked to find her there.

John felt the presence of someone in the shelter. Opening his eyes, he turned to see Melissa once more, as she sat nearby. Hurt reflected in his eyes, yet the anger was less intense. He knew he was lucky to be alive. He had caused the destruction of the hatch and could have killed everyone, including her. However, he did not speak. He had no words for her. The pain still tore at his heart as he glanced away once more.

Melissa stood to leave. She whispered, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to….” She ignored the tears pooling in her eyes. “I’m glad you’re okay. John… I’m so sorry about… everything. I know what I did was wrong and I don’t expect anything now. I just was hoping you didn’t hate…” She drew in a shuddering breath. “Will you ever be able to forgive me?”

Glancing back at Melissa, John couldn't help feeling a tug at his heart. He didn't hate her. Far from it. But was he ready to forgive her? "I don't know," he finally replied quietly. He felt a slight sting in his eyes, causing him to avert his gaze.

Melissa thought about the letter she had written to John on the plane. Had he read it? If so, his 'I don't know' might truly mean no. However, if he didn't read it... why not? Was he not ready to do so? Maybe then there would still be hope. Taking a deep breath, she took one step forward. “John, I won’t come around anymore. I can’t. It just… hurts too much. I can’t keep saying I’m sorry. The letter said it all and I just can’t.…” Melissa brushed the tears from her eyes.

Looking back at her, John frowned. "What letter?" he asked.

Hadn't he received it? "The letter I wrote you on the plane. I... I asked the flight attendant to give it to you…." Melissa’s heart sank. Maybe he never got it. Should she try writing to him again?

Furrowing his brow, John thought back. He then remembered the envelope he had been handed just before the turbulence hit. What had he done with it? His backpack. That's where he had placed it. It must have been shoved below all his other belongings. "Right. I have it," he finally replied.

“Would you… would you read it? That’s all I ask. Just read it. And if you still hate me….” Melissa turned to leave. She couldn’t stay anymore. As she was leaving she pleaded with him one last time, “John, please read it.”

John watched as Melissa exited the shelter. Part of him wanted to call out to her, but at that moment Sun, one of the other survivors, came in to check on him. "How are you feeling, John?" she asked, when she saw he was awake.

"Okay," John replied, but he sure didn’t feel okay.

"Is there anything you need?" Sun asked, as she handed him a bottle of water.

John started to shake his head, but said, "I'd like to have my backpack."

Sun retrieved the bag and handed it to him. "Is that all?"

Glancing at Sun, John said, "No. Thank you." He tried to offer her a weak smile.

"Someone will be by to check on you in a few hours," Sun said before leaving the shelter.

Taking a sip of water from the bottle, John then lay back with a sigh. So much had happened over the last few days. No. So much had happened over the last few months. He thought about one young man’s death and then the death of that young man’s sister. Michael then shot the tail section survivors, Ana-Lucia and Libby. So many deaths. Such a waste. Life was too short. Opening his backpack, he dug through it and located the letter. Glancing at the unopened envelope he could tell it was rather thick. However, he did not open it. Instead, John set it, along with his bag, next to his cot. He just wasn't sure if he was ready to read it.

Was he being unfair to Melissa? Yes, she had hurt him, but she had visited him when he was injured. Both in the hatch and now. That said something, didn't it? Perhaps she was genuine with her apology. Maybe it was time to try and forgive. John then reached over, picked up the letter and pulled out several handwritten pages. He started to read. As he did so, he felt numb at her words. When he was done, he placed the pages on his chest and closed his eyes. He knew he would have to read it more than once.

Lifting the paper again, John proceeded to re-read the letter.

John,

Please, know that I never meant to hurt you. I never meant for any of this to happen. I love you so much, and it’s killing me to think I’m never going to see you again. I hope that this letter will explain why I did what I did, and if you can’t be with me maybe you can at least forgive me.

*John wanted to forgive her, he really did. He loved her more than life itself. He blinked back the tears that had started to form in his eyes before continuing.*

Stacy, the woman you know as Helen, is my sister. She’s not who you think she is. She is not the wonderful person you spoke with on the phone. She makes her living taking advantage of people like you. I hate what she does. To say we don’t get along is an understatement. She was always the wild child and I was the one who walked the straight and narrow.

*A tear slipped down John's cheek, when he read this. One more person that he had allowed to take advantage of him. He was an easy mark; he just couldn't seem to get away from it. Blinking back any further tears, he continued to read.*

I finished up my degree last spring and found myself in a bad way financially. As much as I hated it, I had to move in with her. I watched her, day after day; take advantage of people who just wanted someone to talk to. And she made more money in a month than I could ever hope to make in a year. I didn’t understand it; I still don’t.

*John knew he should have never expected anything more from Stacy. He always knew deep down it was only a charade. Even after he purchased the ticket, he knew it was very unlikely she would want to have a real relationship with him. He had just been so lonely. So desperate. The thought made him angry with himself.*

When you sent her the airline ticket she tossed it in the trash without a thought. And I hate to admit it but for once in my life I found myself jealous of her. I took the ticket and all her IDs and planned to go to Australia and never go back home. I thought if I could find a job there I could get a work visa and things would be better. I was running away.

*Thinking about those words John knew he was no different than Melissa. He had quit his job and left to go on the walkabout. What had he planned on doing when he returned? They were really more alike than he had wanted to admit.*

I almost didn’t get on the plane. I didn’t want to be like her, even for a minute. But I did get on the plane and I did meet you and the moment I did I knew that you didn’t deserve what I was doing to you. I wanted to tell you right from the start but I just couldn’t. And the more I was with you the more torn I was. With every moment I fell more in love with you and I knew if I told you the truth I would lose you. Every time you called me by Stacy’s name I was reminded of how awful I was being. I felt like I was worse than Stacy ever thought of being. For her to lie to strangers is one thing, but I was lying to you. I know why you hate me, John. It doesn’t make sense to say I love you and lie to you, but the thought of losing you was more than I could bear.

*Leaning his head back against his pillow, John closed his eyes as another tear escaped. He then opened his eyes, staring at the top of the shelter. She really did love him. "I don't hate you," he finally said in a whisper. More tears fell down his face as he lifted the letter to finish reading.*

I love you like I’ve never loved anyone. Ever. And now I’ve lost you, the one thing that scares me more than anything. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go through life knowing how wonderful it was in Sydney and knowing that I will never have that again. I don’t want you to hate me. I would give up everything to go back and change it all. I wish I had never lied to you. I wish I had told you from the beginning that I wasn’t Stacy. I know now that you would have understood. I was wrong. And I’m so sorry. I know nothing I can ever say or do will change what happened, but please, please know that I love you with all my heart and soul. I would rather give my life than see you in pain. If you can ever find it in your heart to forgive me, I’ll be waiting. There will never be anyone like you. I’m so sorry that I hurt you.

Love,
Melissa


John shut his eyes, once more. He did love Melissa. He loved her more than she'd ever know. More than he ever thought possible. His heart still ached from the hurt, but he finally felt like he understood. He understood why Melissa kept insisting she didn’t deserve his affection. He understood what she meant when she said she couldn’t be who he wanted her to be. It wasn’t Helen she thought he wanted her to be. It was Stacy. But that had been the furthest thing from the truth. He had fallen in love with Melissa. Not Stacy. And he knew he was ready to forgive her. Not only because she had poured her heart out to him and told him the cold, hard truth, but because of something else he had known. Although this had been the first time he had seen Melissa checking on him, he knew she had been there before. Desmond had informed him earlier that she had been stopping by on a daily basis. Would she return tomorrow?