Within Me

A/N: I want to say a big thanks to the Sebasco Harbor Resort website that helped me figure out this chapter.

Sam felt his stomach flutter as he got out of the car. The cottage looked small and simple, but the view of the water was what he knew would help Dean. His older brother had always had a thing for sitting by the water and just losing himself in his thoughts.

Of course, Sam wasn’t supposed to know that. The idea that Dean’s tough exterior could ever be cracked by something as simple as the soft sounds of water with the gentle caress of a coastal breeze would humiliate him.

Sam winced, thinking he’d humiliated Dean enough.

Ella was by his side in a flash.

“Are you in pain? You didn’t look good…”

“I’m fine. Just thinking.” His gaze fell on Mae who was kneeling in the driver’s seat with her rear perilously close to the horn. She was looking into the backseat, probably at Dean.

Ella just nodded in understanding, although she really didn’t know a thing, but she also knew Sam would tell her if he felt like it. “Mae…she’s a real mother hen, isn’t she?”

“Dean needs that. His mother died so long ago.” He hated referring to Mary Winchester as only Dean’s mother, but he hadn’t let the women in on the fact they were brothers yet. He had a sick feeling they’d tell them both to go to hell and Sam couldn’t let the women crush Dean like that.

“What about you? You need a mother hen, Sam?”

Sam grinned. “That’s what Dean’s for.”

As he said the words, he realized just what his brother meant to him and his face crumbled.

Ella’s arms were around him in a heartbeat, but they only slowed his fall to the ground and she managed to settle next to him.

As Sam started hitting his head back against the side of the Impala, he failed to notice when it stopped hurting as much when Ella put her hand up as a barrier.

She stroked the side of his face, terrified that he wasn’t breathing, but not wanting to yell out for Mae in case it disturbed Dean. “Sam…Sam, breathe, please.”

He sucked in a deep breath and then fell against her, sobbing with a grief Ella couldn’t fathom.

She wrapped her arms around him tightly and held him. “You go ahead and cry.”

Sam’s mind filled with images of seeing Dean scramble away from him. He heard his own voice saying cruel things and saw his hands pulling and pushing and injuring the man he loved.

The worst part was while spiritually and emotionally he was terrified and torn to pieces, he could feel how much his body was enjoying what was happening. As the memory of Sam’s climaxes tore through his brain, Sam cried out and fisted his hands in Ella’s shirt.

Ella felt her own tears slide down her cheeks and just petted his hair and vaguely heard Mae’s stern voice cutting through the wails of anger and despair coming from the young man in her arms.

She looked up, thinking to see Mae scolding them both for waking Dean, but instead she saw a frustrated and worried looking Mae watching Dean approach them.

Ella was certain he had hurt himself getting up and moving the way he was. Dean’s face was pinched with pain, but his eyes showed a determination that Mae obviously hadn’t wanted to get in the way of. Ella had no desire to get mauled by the young man so when Dean awkwardly crashed to the ground next to Sam and started pulling him into his arms, Ella let go.

Sam, however, did not and Dean ended up with an armful of Sam and Ella. He didn’t seem to notice and Mae hurried and helped Ella detach herself.

The two women stared at the boys and cried for a few moments until they couldn’t stand the pain of it anymore so they took the bags and started putting things inside the cottage. They quietly prepared to deal with the injuries that were sure to crop up from Sam’s head bashing incident and Dean’s impromptu trip at high speed out of the minivan.

Ella felt the sadness caving in on her and sighed deeply. Mae knew what the other woman was feeling and, although not the touchy feely type, hugged Ella tight. “You up for this?”

“Yeah. I’ll be alright. I was just thinking about the boys.”

“They’ll be okay. We’ll make sure of it.”

Ella nodded and gave Mae one more quick squeeze before continuing to unpack things.

Outside, the mood hadn’t changed.

Dean was concerned as he held Sam, who was still shaking and sobbing.

“Sammy…Sammy, please. I don’t know what you need. I don’t know what to do or how to help you.”

Sam’s shaking settled down as Dean kept talking to him. The sound of fear in Dean’s voice called to Sam to remember what Mae had said. He wondered if Dean would break down the way he had done or if he’d continue to hold onto his pride and be the caretaker.

Sam scrubbed at his eyes, but didn’t move from Dean’s embrace. He let himself calm down and then looked up at Dean. “Sorry.”

“No apologies, Sammy. Not now, okay?”

“I’m alright now.”

“Bullshit.”

Sam sighed. “What do you want me to say, Dean?”

“I want you to admit you were a victim.”

“I did before.”

“No, not really. I want you to mean it and know it.”

“How do you know I don’t?”

“I know, Sammy. I know you”

Sam shook his head. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

“Yeah, well suck it up. I plan on tormenting you for a lot of years.”

Sam untangled himself from Dean and stood, frowning. “You don’t look good.”

Dean tilted his head back, vaguely aware that his vision was starting to swim. “I always look better than you, though.”

And then everything went black.

**********

Sam paced back and forth, waiting for the women to come talk to him. He’d managed to put Dean over his shoulder and get him into the house and in the bedroom, but now he was waiting and, when it came to Dean, he hated waiting.

He decided to take a look around, hoping it would calm his nerves.

When he had gotten Dean into the door at the carport he’d found himself in a storage unit and started bellowing right away. Mae and Ella had come from a door to the right and then led him through another door to his left into a bathroom. He hadn’t had time to look around, but he remembered thinking it was big. He went through another door and ended up in a bedroom with a large bed. He figured it was a king sized and put Dean on it.

Before he could sit next to Dean, the girls had shoved him out yet another door and he found himself in a living room. That’s where he ended up pacing.

He thought the room was small, but cozy. The stone fireplace would have made the room feel cold and hard, but there were soft green drapes drawn back to reveal the water and the couches, arranged in a circle around a stained glass coffee table, were accented with enough deep rose to give the room a warmth accentuated by the lamp in the corner that looked like it was plucked right out of a time when oil lamps were more common than electric ones. The television and dining room table didn’t seem to take up much space or detract from the feel of the room and he found it odd that a room so full could seem so open.

He walked over to the patio doors to look out onto the balcony, his steps making the wood floors creak low and ominous, and counted to ten with the rhythm of the water lapping the shore nearby.

When he thought he’d composed himself a bit more, he turned around and walked toward the front of the cabin where the kitchen was located. He noted the open door and figured that was where Ella and Mae must have come through to help him with Dean. He closed it gently and leaned his forehead against the smooth wood. Another count of ten had him ready to walk around a half wall to see the main entrance.

Finding nothing interesting there except for some shrubbery outside, he turned and walked further away from where Dean was being examined. He found a standard bathroom and made use of it. A third count of ten while washing his hands and staring at himself in the mirror didn’t help as much and he felt the tears pricking at his eyes. He tried to forget everything that led him to that moment. Maybe, just maybe, he was alone.

The feeling of solitude inside of that bathroom sustained him enough to walk out and find the only other door on that side of the cottage.

He whistled long and low when he saw the bedroom.

Ella’s and Mae’s bags were lying on the floor in front of the two double beds. He noticed the television and was suddenly glad there was another one in the living room. He had a feeling Ella and Mae didn’t watch the same shows and he’d hate to have to mediate between them if the need arose.

He smiled then. He had learned to only lean on his brother and Dean never leaned on anyone and yet here they were, allowing these two women to help them. It saddened him that it was the closest situation they were ever going to get to understand what it was like to have a mother.

Dean had a mother…

The thought came to him and then flitted away, but it was long enough for Sam to wonder if it was worse to miss something you used to have or miss something you never got to enjoy.

A doorway on one side of the room caught his eye and he followed the wall to reveal a dressing room. He took note of the one chair in there and remembered there were two chairs in a little sitting area near the television in the room he had just left.

A frown crossed his features when he saw a door in the dressing room leading to a stone path. He didn’t think it was safe for two women to sleep in a room with a door to the outside. After all, what if someone tried to get in and hurt them.

When the thought crossed his mind, he froze. He was one of those people now.

He dropped to his knees to lean on the lone chair and clamped his teeth together to stop himself from falling apart again. His muscles trembled with self-control as his eyes began to burn with unshed tears.

It took three more counts of ten before he could move.

He only had one more place to go and he didn’t feel like pacing again so he stayed in the bedroom for awhile. Sam looked out each window and double checked the locks on the patio doors leading to the path. Once he was satisfied the ladies would be okay, he walked back into the main part of the house.

His hand rested on the doorknob to the bedroom for a full five minutes before he chickened out and went back to the kitchen.

Letting himself out of the room and into the storage area brought a welcome rush of cooler air. He let his head fall back and he closed his eyes.

This time he let the tears fall. It was quiet and peaceful and his tears only served to deepen the sense of loss he felt. Dean wasn’t laughing or calling him names and he wasn’t punching him in the arm. That would bring peace. But this silence only brought pain and regret now, unlike when he was in the bathroom.

He moved on, taking the path he had earlier when he’d first entered the house.

The bathroom was huge with a shower on one side and a whirlpool bath on the other. His memory flashed to the time Dean had found the joys of a steam shower. The bugs had been the downside to that case, but seeing Dean with a towel on his head as if he was just a pampered homebody was worth all of it.

He stopped and stared at the door to the other bedroom. He tried to remember what was on the other side besides the huge bed. He couldn’t imagine Dean being comfortable with him in the same room and he was sure he could scrunch up on one of the couches, but if he did insist they share, at least the bed was large enough for Dean to get away from Sam’s touch if he needed to.

The memory of a television, single chair, and large dresser cast a shadow across his mind and he briefly remembered the layout of the room. He knew the women were in there, over the bed, taking care of Dean.

Dean

The pain sliced through his heart and he leaned against the door to the room, letting his fingers play with the grooves in the doorknob. He had been walking around with the thought that Dean was gone. But he wasn’t gone. He was on the other side of that damn door and Sam wanted to be with him.

He couldn’t figure out why it was so hard for him. Would he really be the type of person who would treat Dean differently just because he’d been hurt? Would he turn his back on him? Would he run?

Sam groaned softly. He’d tried to run once already and he wasn’t sure if he deserved to be forgiven for that.

As he was trying to come to terms with the fact that his relationship with Dean was not destroyed, just on hold, he heard his brother moan.

He opened the door and bit down hard on the inside of his cheek when he saw Mae holding him gently while Ella finished tending to his most intimate wound again.

“Mae?”

Mae turned toward Sam and smiled encouragingly. “It’s okay, honey. He just moved too fast. He’ll be okay.”

Sam nodded and moved to sit next to her.

Dean was still unconscious so Sam was sure whatever caused him to moan must have been horribly painful. He leaned so his head was on the pillow with Dean’s. He started stroking the older Winchester’s hair, saddened that the strands were slicked with sweat.

“Dean, please wake up.”

Mae got up to give Sam more room and helped Ella get Dean covered up again and then left the room.

Ella didn’t say a word as she examined Sam’s head. She was glad he hadn’t done more damage, but wanted to smack him for harming himself. Watching Sam tune her out and focus on Dean shook her out of her anger and she finished her ministrations with a soft kiss to the top of Sam’s head.

Sam knew when she left. It was the moment he felt totally alone. His brother was lying there and he was alone. It was a thought process that rivaled any other. How had he gotten to a point where he could be in a room with the one person who never left him and feel completely lost?

“Dean, I’m sorry. I know you don’t think this is my fault and I know you love me and I know you’d tell me to knock it off, but I can’t. I can’t think straight because my body was used to hurt you and I want to protect you and love you, but I’m so worried you’ll push me away. What should I do? What do you need me to do? Dean please….tell me what you want…”

“I want you to shut up so I can enjoy my coma in peace, Francis.”

Sam gasped and watched Dean open his eyes. “Shit!” He tried to hug Dean tightly, but Dean stopped him.

“Wait…let me catch my breath.”

Sam started to touch Dean’s face, just memorizing every line and every plane.

“Sammy…my Sammy….” Dean grasped Sam’s hand in his own and pulled it to his lips to kiss the palm. “I wish…”

“What, Dean?”

“I wish I could take this away for you.”

Sam closed his eyes in reverence for this man who would lie broken and bleeding and still put him first. He had told Mae he would, but it still struck a chord in him.

Dean patted the bed. “Come up here with me. You can grovel on the floor when I’m able to enjoy it more.”

Sam climbed over on the other side of the bed and helped Dean turn toward him. “Good?”

Dean nodded. “We need to talk, Sammy. You’re not handling this and I want to help you.”

“Why are we talking about me? We need to talk about you! Didn’t we just have this argument?”

“Sammy…” Dean reached over and put his good hand on Sam’s face. “You’ve got to listen to me. You fell apart. That’s okay, but now we have to pick up the pieces.”

“Really? You think that’s important? Then what about you, Dean?”

Dean frowned. “What about me?”

“When are you going to fall apart?”

“Don’t.”

“Don’t? Dean, you can’t be the strong one all the time. You have to be okay showing some weakness.”

Dean struggled to sit up against the headboard. “Just forget it. We’ll talk later.”

Sam couldn’t let it end like that. He needed to help Dean as much as Dean had helped him. “No, I want us to be equals. Dean, I just let you see me become a sobbing mess and you always stay all calm and good and it’s not fair. Let me help you, too. It’s okay to be vulnerable around me.”

Dean just shook his head. “No…no, I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“Because I already did. I begged you….him. I begged him not to do it. I fell apart, Sammy. I fell apart while that sonuvabitch was hurting me and if I try to do that again right now, it’s just gonna take me right back there. I can’t, Sammy. Please…I can’t.” His voice broke and Sam was at his side.

“Shit…I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t…I didn’t think of it like that…” Sam held Dean’s hand while the eldest Winchester tried to pull it together.

“I just can’t yet. I’m sorry…”

Sam cursed himself inwardly and leaned in to kiss Dean’s forehead. “Don’t be sorry. Just don’t. Tell you what? Why don’t you get some sleep and I’ll work on figuring some things out and tomorrow we’ll talk. We have a great view of the water…”

“I like the water.”

“And I love you…”

Dean looked at Sam for a moment and couldn’t help himself.

“Spaz.”

Sam couldn’t believe it. Dean never missed an opportunity. “Jerk.”

“Bitch.”

“…Bitch…”

“Oh, that’s real original, dumbass….”

Mae and Ella backed away from the door and looked at each other.

They held their laughter and Mae just shrugged. “This is going to be interesting…”

TBC...