Hold On

A/N: I want to let you know that I really appreciate every one of your comments!


House sat in an empty clinic room, hiding from Cuddy and thinking. He had walked Allison to and from her shrink appointment. Another reason to skip out on clinic duty, of course, and an opportunity to glare at anyone idiotic enough to stare at her. Dr. Westein’s office was on the far end of the hospital, and by the end of the walk, he’d been ready to smash in a nose or two with the cane. The first two or three stares, Allison had stared back. The next few, she had looked away, until she had just stopped looking up entirely. She had been leaning towards him, as if the pressure of the stares was pushing on her, and his left hand on her elbow became an arm around her shoulders.

He had left her at Dr. Westein’s door, and promised he’d be back in an hour. When he came back, she looked pale and shaken, and her eyes were glassy and eyelashes damp, but her shoulders were back and she carried her head just a bit higher. She didn’t ask where they were going as he steered her a little further down the hall to the elevators. He hit the button for the basement morgue, and they walked through the deserted concrete corridor back to the elevator that stopped near diagnostics.

The only person they met in their hallway was Wilson, who flew by with a file folder and a quick wave. She hadn’t said a word the entire walk back, and he hadn’t asked questions. Her therapy sessions were private, and if she wanted to tell him, he figured she would sooner or later.

Back in the office, she sank down onto the couch and pulled her legs up, resting her head on her arm. He had told her he would be back by five to take her home, and left with a slight wave acknowledging her soft “thank you.”

And now, he sat in the empty clinic room hoping Cuddy wouldn’t find him. Here, he was in the clinic, and therefore technically doing clinic hours, but not actually seeing patients. He needed to think. If Cuddy came along, he’d have to retreat to the roof. It was cold on the roof, which meant nobody else would be out there. However, it also meant he would be cold too, and that was bad. Cold made his leg stiff.

He propped his feet up on the exam table and put his hands behind his head, staring at the ceiling. Healing the body was something he knew how to do, but Allison’s wounds weren’t physical, and he had no idea how to help heal the mind. The psychology of rape was way out of his knowledge base. Was he saying the right things? Doing the right things? Was it okay to touch her? He did know that victims often didn’t want to be touched, but Allison seemed to find comfort in it. Was that doing more harm or good? He had no idea whether his actions were helping her or hurting her.

But there was someone who would know. Perhaps he could pump her for information.

He bolted up out of his chair and was slightly out of breath by the time he’d made it to his destination. As he opened the door, the dark-haired woman behind the desk looked up in surprise. “Doctor House. What can I do for you?”

“Dr. Westein. I have some questions. About Alli - er, Cameron.” He stammered, suddenly questioning whether or not this was a good idea.

“You know I can’t tell you anything specific about our sessions.”

“I don’t need to know what she’s told you. I need to know what I’m supposed to do.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know whether what I’m doing is what I’m supposed to be doing, whether it’s helping or not.”

Dr. Westein nodded and stood. “I see where this is going. My next appointment isn’t for two hours, so I’ve got some time. Let’s step into the back and we can talk.”

“You’re not going to make me lay on a couch and tell you all my secrets, are you?”

The doctor chuckled. “I see your reputation is well deserved. No, I won’t make you tell me anything. I thought we could sit at the conference table and I could give you some information.”

House followed her and soon found himself seated at her table with a glass of water and a pile of pamphlets in front of him. Dr. Westein sat next to him and opened one, handing it to him.

“This one explains the typical stages the victim goes through. I’ll go over them with you, and then you can ask any questions, and then we’ll move on to the friends and family perspective. It’s just important you know what to expect.” Dr. Westein took a sip of her own water and continued.

“The first stage is called the crisis stage. Here, the victim experiences a lot of shock, panic, fear, and sometimes denial. Fear is the biggest issue in this stage. Usually fear of being alone, of the rapist coming back, or fear of places that look similar to the location of the attack. There’s also quite a bit of anger, and sometimes guilt or shame because they’re either consciously or subconsciously believing the myths that place blame on victims.”

“Allison was doing the guilt thing today.”

Dr. Westein held up her hand. “Don’t talk to me about Allison yet. I don’t have her permission to talk to you, so today will have to just be general discussion.”

He nodded his understanding. “Okay. So we’ve got panic, fear and guilt. Check.”

“Also, in the first stage, some victims don’t want any physical contact, while others find it reassuring. You just need to read the victim and follow their lead here.”

One question down. Only about a billion left.

“The second stage is denial, which is exactly what it sounds like. Usually, the victim will stop talking about the rape and go out of their way to act like everything is normal. Here, they tend to either think that everyone else is tired of hearing about it, or they try to shut out their pain by ignoring it.”

That told him a little about what to expect later on. Acting better doesn’t mean actually better. Good to know.

“Next is what we call the suffering stage, which isn’t nearly as bad as it sounds. Here, victims tend to experience fear, nightmares, sometimes changes in eating and sleeping, and sometimes changes in sexual patterns. You’re looking at more mood swings, anger, guilt, and maybe even flashbacks. The most important thing to realize here is that the victim’s sense of security and control has been completely devastated, and sometimes they will turn to destructive behavior.”

Okay. It looked like he’d be dealing with guilty, panicked Allison, then Allison pretending nothing had happened, and then back to guilt and panic with mood swings and anger thrown in. He could handle this, right?

“We call the fourth stage ‘resolution’, although it really isn’t a stage, per se. You’ll probably see bits of this stage all along the process, depending on how quickly the victim is able to confront their feelings and integrate the rape as a very real part of their life, albeit a very painful event. This stage is really where feelings get resolved, although steps back into earlier stages aren’t unusual.”

House took a gulp of his water, wishing in the back of his mind that it was scotch. “So, crisis, denial, suffering and resolution.”

The doctor nodded and handed him the pamphlet. “Take this with you; there’s a lot more information here that you can look over later.”

She grabbed a new pamphlet. Purple this time. “This one explains about the reactions of family and friends. You’ll probably see some of this in yourself, and some of it in the victim’s friends and colleagues as well.”

Okay. Red pamphlet is Allison’s reaction. Purple pamphlet is his reaction and everyone else’s. Red and purple. Simple enough.

“Denial is usually a pretty common reaction, although it depends on the situation. It’s more common when the victim appears uninjured.”

He motioned for her to move on. Nobody was denying what had happened. She saw his impatience and switched to the next topic.

“Fear is also fairly common, especially if the person has been in a situation that places them in a position of responsibility over the victim. This is especially common with fathers, brothers, and sometimes supervisors of victims.”

Supervisor. Okay. This he should pay attention to.

“Sometimes if a person is experiencing fear, they will be extremely cautious with the victim, sometimes overprotective. The concern is usually very reassuring to the victim in the days and weeks right after the rape, but caution must be exercised so as not to take control away from the victim. The victim needs to make her own judgment calls about when she needs protection and when she doesn’t, and those calls must be heeded.”

So, he should protect her when she wants protection, and stop when she doesn’t. This is sounding a lot easier than it probably is.

“Probably the most common reaction among friends and family is anger.”

Anger. Check. He definitely had that.

“Sometimes, a person may want revenge on the rapist. Vigilante justice usually causes more problems than it solves, because now the focus needs to be on the victim, not the rapist. Anger at the victim is also common, especially if the victim has put herself in danger somehow, or is reacting in a way that is counterproductive.”

He recalled the scene in the elevator this morning and inwardly cringed, slightly annoyed to find himself detailed so clearly in some shrink pamphlet.

“Friends and family of the survivor also commonly experience guilt.”

Uh oh.

“The most important thing someone can do is to recognize that they are not to blame, and that it’s the attacker’s fault and nobody else’s.”

He was getting an uncomfortable sense of déjà vu. This was the chat he’d had with Allison this morning, and he was finding that he didn’t particularly like being on the receiving end.

“People in this situation need to recognize that instead of wasting time blaming themselves for something they had absolutely no control over, that concentrating on the positive things that can be done now is far more important.”

Concentrate on the positive. Gotcha.

She pulled a green pamphlet out of the pile. “This one has the information in it that you were looking for.”

Alright. Red is Allison. Purple was himself and everyone else. Green was the important one.

“First off, the victim needs to be reassured that the rape hasn’t changed how their friends and family think of them, that they’re still loved, and that everyone knows it wasn’t their fault.”

Reassurance. He could be reassuring. This was doable.

“It’s common for people to want to step in and take care of the victim, but it needs to be remembered that rape makes victims feel out of control. The victim needs to make her own decisions about their life. It’s okay to ask if they want help, and how, and it’s okay to help if asked.”

Ask, don’t decide. Help when asked. He could do that. Maybe. He’d have to work on the deciding part.

“The victim needs to know that there is someone willing to listen to them without putting any pressure on them to talk. They need to understand that talking promotes healing, and that someone is there whenever they are ready.”

Availability to talk. Allison knew that, right? He’d have to make sure.

“The most important thing here is to be sensitive the needs of the victim. The victim might want to be held and comforted, or they might not want to be touched.”

Allison was definitely the wanting to be held type, if the calming effect it had on her was any indication. His own reaction to holding her, however, was sending his mind off in directions that ought to be marked ‘here there be dragons.’

“Friends and family need to keep in mind that the victim is not afraid that they will be hurt by someone close to them, however, sometimes contact can bring up the feelings of fear and violation stemming from the rape. The victim needs to know that she can speak up about what is comfortable and what isn’t.”

She knew that, right? Maybe he should tell her anyway, or maybe that would embarrass her. Since he couldn’t get any advice out of the shrink that was specifically about Allison, he’d have to play that one by ear.

He walked out of Dr. Rita Westein’s office with a bag of pamphlets and information, feeling better and far more confused at the same time. He’d been polite and thanked the doctor, but balked when she suggested he could come back and see her on Friday if he needed to. A shrink was good for Allison. Shrinks were not for Gregory House.