Following Orders

Oded’s hands were empty as he approached the door. He kept his eyes fixed on some distant spot ahead of him, afraid of what he would do, of what others would see if he were to turn his gaze on them right now. Yet another meeting had been called this morning, and this time fresh orders had been issued. His superiors were not happy with the fact that, as yet, they had managed to pull very little useful information from Sayid. When he had been brought in they had held high hopes for his usefulness, and they were not used to being disappointed.

“He relies greatly upon you now, Fehr. Believes that you will continue to aid him, will shield him from true harm, even perhaps keep him from death. Destroy that faith, that shield, and then he will crack. I am certain of it.” those words, and the sharp orders that followed them, echoed in his head as he walked, as the door swung open.

Sayid had tucked himself into the corner of the room, one knee drawn up, the other leg stretched out on the floor, his mangled hand resting upon the thigh. He looked up at the scrape of the metal on stone, smiled a little as he saw who his visitor was. Then he frowned, blinking in confusion as he saw the controlled look on Oded’s face, the grim determination in his dark eyes that did not quite cover the sense of horror which lurked there. Oded turned, snapped the grille shut, and stood for a moment, simply looking at him, hands clenched tightly shut.

“Oded?” Sayid asked quietly, his voice carrying through the sudden silence. With measured, almost jerky steps, Oded crossed the room, kneeling down next to Sayid. The movements were too sharp, too controlled, with none of his usual grace, and it seemed to Sayid that it was a different person who knelt beside him.

“No one else has been today, have they Sayid?” Oded asked. The words were tight, bitten off, catching in his throat as he tried to make Sayid understand. Slowly the prisoner shook his head, grimacing as the movement brought more pain.

“Since you left I have seen no-one. Oded, what is wrong?” Oded bowed his head, silent, then laid his hand on Sayid’s knee. He leant forward, one hand sliding around the back of Sayid’s neck, fingers tangling in the dark curls, and pressed his mouth against the other man’s. Sayid let out a tiny gasp of pain at the pressure on the too-new burn but they both ignored it as he parted his lips, allowing Oded’s tongue to skim across the wound before he caressed it with his own. He reached up with his good hand, cupping Oded’s cheek, moaning into the kiss. Oded answered this with a desperate sound of his own, leaning against Sayid’s hand. He pulled back a little, touch his forehead to Sayid’s, then sat back on him heels.

“I have killed us both.” Sayid’s eyes widened and he reached for Oded’s hand. The larger man watched almost uncomprehendingly as the slender fingers wrapped around his own.

“What do you mean?” Sayid asked quietly, his gaze fixed on Oded.

“My orders have changed. I am to…get the information they seek from you. By any means necessary.” Sayid’s eyes widened slightly at the too familiar euphemism, and Oded inclined his head in acknowledgement. “If I do not do this then we will both be shot, you as an enemy and I as a traitor. But I can not.” his voice had been dispassionate, detached, up until the last few words. Then it cracked, broke, and he hung his head.

“Do it.” Oded’s head snapped back up at this. Sayid stared straight ahead, eyes unreadable. He tightened his grip on Oded’s hand, almost painful. “Do what you must.” Oded blinked at him, aghast.

“I can not, my friend. I can not harm you.” Sayid shook his head.

“You would risk your death to keep me whole?” he asked, and Oded nodded. Sayid looked thoughtful for a moment, then turned his head and stared into Oded‘s eyes. “Would you risk mine?” Oded finally understood and he closed his eyes, lips pressed tight together against any sound of anguish that threatened to spill out. “I will not risk you. I…” Sayid began to cough, doubling over, and Oded held him upright, stroking his back until the shuddering subsided. “I will tell them what they want to hear.” His eyes clouded as he said the words, and Oded knew how much it must have cost him. To finally betray his people, after holding his silence for so long. This was the fifteenth day since he had been captured. Fifteen days of near-starvation, the beatings, the rapes, the isolation, and he had told them next to nothing. And now it was all for nothing, because to save Oded he would speak.

“I am sorry, my friend.” it was not enough to say, not by so very much, yet he felt he had to say something. The look in Sayid’s eyes said he understood, but then he shook his head.

“Go on then.” he prompted, and Oded frowned in confusion. Sayid sighed. “Hit me, burn me, whatever you are going to do, do it. I will make sure you have enough information to take back to your commander.”

“Sayid…” Oded breathed, clutching at his hand once more, and again the prisoner shook his head.

“They will not… not believe that I simply told you because you asked. If… if there are no more injuries, they will not believe us. We will die anyway, and my betrayal will have been for nothing.” Oded began to tremble, and Sayid released his hand. The prisoner began to try and push himself up to standing, rising a few inches before sinking back with a loud groan. “Get me up.” he demanded, staring at Oded. “I need to be on my feet.”

“Please Sayid, just scream.” Oded begged. He put his hands either side of Sayid‘s face, holding on as he looked down at him in desperation “They will hear it, they will believe. Do not ask this of me, my friend.” Sayid shook his head, forcing himself to his knees, weight resting on one hand.

“Do not risk us for your conscience, Oded.” he insisted, and finally Oded nodded. He wrapped his arms around Sayid‘s, pulled him to his feet. This time Sayid did not bite back the moan of pain from the sudden movement, letting it echo around the tiny room. He looked up at Oded, licked his lips and pressed them against the other man’s one last time, then managed to take one trembling step back, although the effort cost him dearly. He nodded at Oded, who swallowed harshly and let out a long shaky breath. If there was any other way to do this…but no, Sayid was right, and Oded knew this. Knew this even though it burned to his very soul, even though something deep inside screamed at him that the cost was too high. He met Sayid’s eyes, and slowly nodded.

Almost before the punch had connected, knuckles splitting the skin over Sayid’s cheekbone, the prisoner crying out loud enough to be heard beyond the door, Oded was reaching out to catch the other man, arms wrapped around Sayid’s waist as they both crumpled to the floor. He pressed his forehead against the shoulder in front of him, tears pooling under his closed eyelids.

“Forgive me my friend.” he begged, arms tightening “Please, forgive me.” The ragged gasp of Sayid’s breath hot against his ear he wept, wept for Sayid, wept for himself, wept for what he had finally done. But the other man’s arms were strong around him, stronger than they had any right to be after all of this, and Sayid spoke his forgiveness over and over until Oded no longer trembled. “I will get you out of here, I swear.” He pressed his cheek against Sayid’s hair, whispering into his ear. The other man went very still, breathing still uneven.

“What of your brother, Oded, what of your promise?” Sayid replied in the same low voice, confusion tainting the words.

“Eli is dead. His wife, their child. All dead. There is nothing in this world for me now but freedom.” he pulled back, stared into Sayid’s eyes. And you, he added silently as tears streaked down his face. “They died three days ago.” He had known before he had opened the letter, had not needed to read the words. Harsh black on crisp, clean white. A suicide bomber, just as Eli had been stood in the market place with his wife and son. Seventeen people had died, but fourteen of those names meant nothing to Oded. Three had meant the world, and with their destruction so were his ties to this world destroyed. “I…there was a letter, yesterday.” He could say no more, buried his face against the other man’s neck and fought back fresh tears. Awkwardly Sayid brushed his fingers though Oded’s hair, and the gesture was tender enough to make Oded’s breath catch in his throat. “A few days to plan, that is all I require. Then…” he trailed off. Freedom. He wasn’t sure he could remember what it felt like, not to be following orders, living at someone else’s bidding. He pulled back, winced at the livid red mark that spread across Sayid’s cheek, already darkening, the ugly gash that ran across the centre of it, lengthwise with the bone.

“You will need to do more than that.” Sayid said quietly, and Oded frowned. Then the prisoner raised his fingers to his cheek, not quite touching, and Oded blanched.

“No…” he whispered, but Sayid nodded. He knew it, knew it to be true, but to cause more harm, to do what he swore he never would…he took a deep breath, his arms still around Sayid, and tried to force himself to do what he knew must be done.

Each fresh mark, each moan and scream as flesh met flesh seemed to etch itself into Oded’s mind. And each time he held Sayid closer, tried to comfort him even as he allowed himself to be comforted. Finally it was enough, and Sayid no longer argued when Oded sunk to the floor next to him. He collapsed against the other man, his energy stolen away by pain, but he used the final remnants of his strength to reach up and touch Oded’s cheek. In a low voice he answered the questions Oded had been told to put to him, gave up the information he had already given up so much to hold onto. Oded held him in his arms, rocked them both as the prisoner spoke, his eyes closed as he memorised everything Sayid told him, ready to report to his commander at the end of the day.

“I will free us both, my friend.” he whispered finally, lips almost pressed against Sayid’s ear. The smaller man looked up at him sadly, shook his head.

“Do not make promises you cannot keep.” he gazed into Oded’s eyes, searching. “I would tell you not to torment yourself over this, but I know that you would not listen. I think I am going to tell you anyway. This was not your fault, Oded.” Oded looked away, rubbing his hands up and down Sayid’s back. Sayid hissed slightly as the fingers brushed over a bruise, and Oded’s eyes darkened. He shook his head.

“There should have been another way.” Whatever Sayid said, this would haunt him. Not just this night but the next, and the next and the next until there were no more. Some things would never leave you. Perhaps should never, for what kind of a person would he be to forgive himself this?

“There was no other way.” So determined, so very certain, and Oded wished that he too could be so certain. He sat back, still holding Sayid’s hand.

“I will get you out of here.” he promised once again, before he rose to his feet. For a moment he simply stood, one hand rubbing slowly over his face, hoping against hope that his eyes were not red, that the tears he had shed so freely would not show, simply standing and breathing and composing himself. Then he rapped on the door, demanding exit, his face schooled into a convincing mask of cruel indifference.

He did not look back, did not want Sayid to see the expression he wore. His eyes never looked back, but his thoughts never left the room.