Guardian Devil

CHAPTER ELEVEN: UNBROKEN

My desire to escape thinking led me here: sitting on Lex’s bed with his journal open in my hands, and Lex himself standing in the doorway with a closed expression on his face. If only I had been thinking, I would have put the book down as soon as I realized it wasn’t a photo album. But I wasn’t, so I didn’t put the journal down, and what I saw inside made my hands shake and my heart hurt for him. But I’m getting ahead of myself. This all began so innocently.

Once the elevator doors had slid shut and took Lex away from me to his lunch meeting with Lucien, my brain decided that it wanted to obsess about all the things that would break me into a million pieces. I was well aware that Lex was worried about how I was handling the realization that Martha truly had approved of the beatings out of some misguided desire to save the planet from Lex and I. Yet in a way, this revelation was so minor compared to all the things I had learned since Lex hit me with his car.

Since that fateful day Lex's Porshe had plowed into me, I had to accept that I wasn’t human. Worse, I learned that my arrival had harmed so many people. If that wasn’t enough, I realized my coming to Earth continued to hurt others as more and more individuals were exposed to the deadly meteor rocks that followed me to Earth. In some way, when Jonathan beat me it was a release from the guilt for those things. I always found it strange that Jonathan punished me for loving Lex instead of for all the harm I caused by just coming here. Surely if there was such a thing as damnation, I already qualified. The fact that I loved Lex could hardly make a difference.

While these and other unwelcome thoughts percolated through my brain, I paced the foyer so fast I feared I would wear down the pale maple wood floors. Even food was only a momentary distraction. I wolfed down the sandwich I ordered and was at a loss of what to do with myself. I didn’t even find the mental space to be worried whether or not the deli would accept my authority to purchase something on Lex’s house account. The worry would have been useless since there wasn’t so much as a pause when I placed my order. But still, if I were feeling like myself, my palms would have been sweating and I would have been thinking of ways to prove Lex had given me permission.

I started prowling around the penthouse in the hope that moving about would stop the mental gymnastics my brain was insisting on performing. First I investigated the entertainment room. I smiled when I realized that Lex had copies of every DVD he had at the Castle here. I saw some of our favorites like the Lord of the Rings trilogy. We had spent countless nights ensconced at the Castle watching them with Lex giving me a running commentary on the changes from the books and the superiority of each form of the story. Lex’s hands would weave complicated designs in the air, holding me spellbound as his voice washed over me. While the movies played and Lex talked, I often would be stretched out on the couch while he would be on the floor in front of me, his bare head just inches from my hands. My palms used to itch with the desire to reach down and map that skull with my fingertips, feel the silky flesh sliding under my palms. That wasn’t forbidden to me anymore. I wondered what it would be like to lay down together on the couch and watch a movie now. It was an intoxicating thought: Lex’s firm body flush up against my own, my head resting on his shoulder or chest, able to breathe in his sandalwood/vanilla scent, and have his heart beat resonate through me. I could almost feel how it would be to have his elegant fingers carding through my hair as I drowsed against him: warm and safe and loved.

I continued wandering the penthouse, padding down the hallway, admiring the artwork on the walls. The pieces were mostly made up of pure blocks of color, no distinguishable forms, so I was surprised at how one magenta swirl against a livid purple background made my heart twist. Emotions seemed to leap out from the pieces. Some were tranquil while others were frenetic or passionate. I found one piece that was just a blue-gray circle surrounded by white canvas. It reminded me of the color of Lex’s eyes and I stared at it for a long time. Finally, I made it down to the end of the hallway to the doors to Lex’s bedroom.

His bedroom was bathed in sunlight. Two of the four walls were floor to ceiling glass windows. The shades were retracted and light gushed in like liquid. I closed my eyes and just let the light wash over me. But it reminded me of when I did the same thing that morning with Martha. My eyes snapped open, but still Martha’s earnest expression swam before me as she explained her thoughts yet again on why she believed allowing Jonathan to beat me was right. They could have forbidden me to see Lex instead, grounded me, taken away privileges, but they had chosen to beat me. I clenched my hands into fists. They had chosen the worst way. But part of me knew that there was very little I wouldn’t have sacrificed, wouldn't have endured, to keepLex in my life. If the beating didn't work, taking away the keys to the old pickup certainly wouldn't have. Maybe they realized that. Maybe they hoped that the shock that they would take such drastic steps would make me give him up. But Jonathan's ramblings about god and damnation didn'tjive with that understanding. There was no good explanation for what had happened.

I shook my head. I would not think these things. I would think of nothing. I would be the white in that canvas with the blue circle in it. Blindly, I walked over to the Lex’s four-poster bed. I wasn’t surprised to see purple bed hangings. I imagined Lex naked, splayed out across the bed, alabaster skin contrasting against the dark jewel colors of the bedding. My jeans suddenly felt way too tight. I could feel his skin rushing across mine like it did that morning when we thrust against each other and came. I could almost still taste his essence in my mouth.

Aching and hard, I sat on the edge of the bed. One part of me wanted to undress and slide between the sheets that had caressed Lex’s skin, but I knew it would feel empty without him really being there. That’s when I noticed what looked like a photo album on the top of the night stand. It was covered in crimson-colored cloth and was thick with pictures inside. I thought: wouldn’t it be cool to see what Lex looked like when he was clubbing or as a teenager or even with hair? Hungry for anything that would remind me of him, I opened the cover.

In the beginning of the journal there were pictures of Lex and other beautiful people in club clothes. Lex looked amazing in leather pants and a mesh shirt that fit him like a second skin. I frowned though at all the slinky women that clung to his neck in these photos or, in several of them, the men who had wound themselves around him like snakes with their too bright smiles ands wolfish grins. Sometimes there were captions underneath the pictures that contained Lex’s droll commentary on the evening or the people, things like: ‘David liked to think he was intelligent but really he just surrounded himself with people that could only have been classified as comatose … or amoebas.’ and ‘Lanie was wearing pink underwear that night. The only reason I know was because somehow they managed to get stuffed down my shirt.’

But there was more than just pictures inside the journal. Lex had written pages of stream-of-consciousness pieces with random equations doodled in the corners. A lot of what Lex talked about in these sections was business ideas, scientific theories, interspersed with ancient history. Only Lex would or could combine all these things into a cohesive whole. I wished we could talk about these things later, hear his melodious low voice go over these arcane ideas. But that would mean I would have to admit to reading his journal. I almost closed it then. Almost shut it and placed the journal carefully back where I found it. But I didn’t.

That’s when I saw the other pages, written in red or green ink, where Lex’s careful penmanship was gone. There were places on these pages where he’d pressed down so hard with the pen that holes were ripped through the paper. These entries were about meetings with men in luxury hotels in Tokyo, London, Gotham and Metropolis. The men were older and smelled of too much aftershave and whiskey. Most were business associates of his father. All were ‘dates’ Lionel had requested he go on. On one page following a description of one of those evenings, he’d inscribed the phrase ‘Lex is a whore’ over and over again. I felt sick inside as my eyes traced the words on the page.

And then there were entries about a man named Tom Riley. Lex wrote down everything about him: his income, what businesses he ran, the stocks he owned, the places he visited. There would be words and phrases after these notations like: ‘hypocrite’, ‘pedophile’, ‘wonder if he had boys instead of two daughters if he’d do it to them?’, ‘how much did Lionel make off of it?’, ‘how could he not know?’, ‘did/does he hate me that much?’, ‘I’m his son, doesn’t that count for something?’, ‘why can’t I stop thinking about this?’, ‘want him dead’, ‘want him buried’, ‘want him gone’, ‘wiped off the face of the earth’.

I closed my eyes but Lex’s words scrolled past my shut eyelids. I could only guess what this Tom Riley had done to Lex. It had obviously been something worse than even those ‘dates’ with Lionel’s business associates. Whatever had happened hadn’t occurred during the time period Lex was writing about in the journal. How old Lex was when this man had hurt him? I dreaded finding out.The final entry regarding Mr. Riley had a large red smear across the entire page that wasn’t from any pen. I could smell the iron tang of blood coming up from it. My hands shook as I touched that page. I knew I definitely needed to shut the journal then but my hands kept turning the pages, trailing after the lines of red and green ink.

There were some blank sheets between the entries before Smallville and the ones after he arrived as if Lex was physically separating his life in Smallville from what had come before. I clutched the journal a little tighter when I realized that most of these later entries were about me. Lex’s first comment was: ‘I was brought back to life by an angel today. Michelangelo would have wanted to sculpt him. Pity he’s only fifteen. Greater pity that his father has a shotgun, one he’d gladly use on me.’

I wasn’t surprised to see that he also wrote about his theories on what I was: a meteor-mutant. That was wrong obviously, but it was a sensible theory based on what he knew. He described the things he thought I could do: my speed, my strength, my invulnerability. It was amazing how accurate he was. I was actually proud at how much he’d discovered about me. I wondered how I or the Kents had ever thought I could hide my powers from Lex? He was too observant, too smart, and I wasn’t half as careful as I thought I was. Besides some part of me wanted him to know so I could stop the lying.

There were also a couple of pages where he’d just write my name over and over again, coloring in the bottom part of the ‘a’ in ‘Clark.’ I wondered what he was thinking of when he did that.

But my secrets and my name alone weren’t the main focus of these later entries. Mostly they described what Lex and I did together and what he wished we would do. This one entry talked about a day we played pool. Lex wrote, ‘I leaned over his back … so hot like a furnace, burning me … as I positioned his hands on the cue. I wished I could position my own hands on his waist or on his stomach against his warm skin. His hair was soft as silk against my cheek. I wanted to bury my face in it, run my hands through those strands. And he smelled like apples. I went into a Walmart for the first time in my life and sniffed all their shampoos to find what the hell Martha Kent was buying that made her son smell like heaven. I found the brand, but something was missing. Something Clarkian. But I admit jacking off with the damn stuff has given me some good moments.’ I flushed at the thought of Lex masturbating to the scent of me. Maybe one of those nights I watched him from the cold hill outside his bedroom while he touched himself in his bedroom he was thinking of me.

I also wondered why the journal was here and not at the Castle. I flipped to the last entry, dated about six month ago, to see if that held any clue. Lex had written about my sixteenth birthday party at the farm. He’d come to my party and brought me a book on astronomy and a few CDs of trance music I told him I liked. He wrote, ‘Couldn’t give him what I really wanted to, of course. Had to be something modest, very modest, and something that wouldn’t give away what I feel about him. It’s getting worse. These feelings for him and … obsessing about him. I’m torn between wanting to grab him and kiss him and grab him and scream at him to tell me what he’s hiding. The room isn’t helping. Staring at a 6 x 8’ photograph of Clark smiling at me for hours, just thinking about him, then having to face him in the flesh and act like I haven’t been doing just that, is killing me. What’s worse is how I resent every moment I have to share him with others. I can’t be myself unless it’s just the two of us and I hate who I am when others are around. I know he sees the difference in me. He’ll give me this little frown when I’m acting like a Luthor rather than just Lex. It’s amazing how far I’ve let him in that he knows the difference. I think I’m … Hell, I know I’m in love with him. Oh, god, I really am in love with him.”

That was when a slight sound, maybe a harsh exhale of breath, drew my eyes up from the journal to meet Lex’s bleak ones in the doorway. I thought my heart stopped for a moment. I had breached his privacy and broken his trust in one fell swoop.

“Lex.” What could I have said to explain this? Nothing. It was exactly what it looked like.

“Hey, angel, what … what are you up to?” Lex looked at the journal, cleared his throat and looked down at the floor.

I dropped the journal on the bed like it scalded me. “I’m sorry, Lex! I know I shouldn’t have looked at this … I mean I thought it was just a photo album at first but … no, no excuses, I realized that it was something more soon as I opened it … I should have put it down. I wasn’t thinking. I’m sorry so sorry really—”

Lex held up a hand to stop my rambling. “Its okay, Clark.”

“No, it’s not,” I whispered and buried my head in my hands. “Oh, God, it’s not and I’m so fucking sorry. You’ll never trust me again. You must be so mad at me.”

“Hey, hey, it’s okay.” Lex was suddenly on the bed reaching over and pulling me against him into an embrace.

I was shaking. I hadn’t realized it. I kept thinking that he wasn’t going to be able to forgive me and that he’d make me go, make me leave, send me back and oh, god, the Kents would kill me and where else could I go? But making me leave would mean that I’d have lost his love … then it really wouldn’t matter what happened to me. I knew I was over-reacting. I knew it, but I couldn’t stop it. All my control had been spent avoiding thinking and now I was losing it. Lex was running his hands up and down my back, making soothing noises and repeating that it was all right. Why was he comforting me? I was the one to do something wrong!

“Angel, it really is all right.”

“But your privacy … your trust …”

“Listen to me, Clark,” Lex said and drew me back from his chest so that I would look at him. “I’m not mad at you. Whatever horrible thoughts you’re thinking … don’t. You didn’t know what it was and I really can’t blame you for not putting the journal down when you did realize it. I would have done the same thing.”

“You wouldn’t. You—”

“I’d do worse. I’d probably even photocopy the pages if I had half a chance. Or hire someone to investigate …” Lex stopped whatever he was going to say and he took a deep breath. “I’ve done far worse. Look, this … this is understandable to me.”

I felt my heart begin to beat normally again. He wasn’t mad. It was okay. Relief coursed through me and the tension slid out of my shoulders and back. I leaned heavily against him.

“You’re sure?”

“Positive.” Lex adjusted his body to more fully support me as he said in a lighter tone, “Funny part about loving somebody is that you want to know everything about them. I’m just sorry that … that a lot of me is so … dark and the journal shows the darkest aspects of me.”

“Not the last part. Not the part where you said you were in love with me.”

Lex smiled then. “You liked that, huh?”

I nodded and burrowed tighter into his arms. I sighed when he kissed the top of my head and held me close again. With one arm still around me, he used the other to grab hold of the journal and brought it around so that it was on both of our laps. I flinched at even touching it again. I gasped when he opened the cover and the club pictures were there before us. He wanted to look at the journal with me. Luckily he didn’t ask me any questions right then, because I wasn’t able to speak around the lump in my throat. His expression was almost blank as he looked at the photos. He touched himself in one of those pictures.

“I hardly remember any of these nights. They all sort of run together into a big blur. That and I was drunk or high or both almost 24/7 back then.”

I stirred slightly in his arms so that I could slide my arm around his waist. “Why?”

“If you’d asked me that a year ago I would have said that I did it because I liked the feeling. That being not-quite-there was fun,” Lex turned the pages of the journal until we came to one of the date nights with Lionel’s clients. “But really it was to dull out everything else. Make it all seem less ... real. You know, I actually told myself that I let these men fuck me … use me … because I chose it. That I had a choice. That it wasn’t because Lionel … suggested it.”

“But how could you have—”

“I could have defied him, I suppose. I was an adult when these … dates … happened. I mean the dates started when I was younger, but during the ones described here I was old enough to know better.” Lex traced the outline of the repeated phrase ‘Lex is a whore’ that he had inscribed into the paper so hard the page looked like Swiss-cheese with all the punctures.

“Men and women older than you are now can’t defy Lionel and he’s your ... father. Your only family.”

“He and I share DNA. Family is … something different. We’re family, Clark.”

Lex drew in a deep breath as he turned the pages of the journal to one of the entries about Tom Riley. His hand hovered above the entry. There was a slight tremor in it and he clenched his hand into a fist to stop the involuntary movement.

“Lionel didn’t tell me it was a date back then. I was just supposed to be nice to this man. Lionel told me that Mr. Riley only had daughters and he’d always wanted a little boy and would I … would I pretend to be his son for the afternoon? I was only thirteen and he was my … first,” Lex’s voice was so soft, but every word hit me like a punch in the gut.

“You’ve got to be … he said that?”

“Lionel claimed that he didn’t know … had no idea what Riley would do during that afternoon. No idea what he would do to me over and over again for five hours. I’m surprised now that a man his age could have that much stamina without Vioxx. I guess I was … inspiring.” Lex laughed without mirth.

I tightened my hold around his waist, pressing him against me, as if I could ground him to the present, protect him from the memories. Lex flipped to the page with the blood smear

Lex swallowed and brushed his fingertips across the aged blood stain. “I couldn’t … let it go. He only got one afternoon with me, but it felt like he took my whole life.”

“I’m so sorry, Lex. What that man did to you … what Lionel did … it’s so wrong … there aren’t any words.”

Lex seemed so fragile then. His pale skin and delicate features made him look like a porcelain doll that could shatter in my hands with the slightest pressure. His eyes darkened and he clenched his jaw, which told me that he was fighting this fragility.

“Lionel continued to do business with Riley. Made a lot of deals after the man … raped me. Guess it was payment or … something.”

“How could he?” I shuddered at the thought of that man coming to Lex’s house, shaking Lionel’s palm, greasing it with coin for Lex’s innocence and virginity. I thought that Lionel could go no lower before I heard this.

Lex shrugged, a nonchalant movement even as his body seemed as tense as a bow. “After Lionel got everything he wanted out of Riley … he ruined him. Bankrupted him professionally and personally. Riley took a header out of the window of his office the day I … wrote this entry and I … I went to Belle Reve.”

“You … did you hurt … hurt yourself?” I asked as I stared at the red smear.

“Not seriously. Just enough that … that Lionel was concerned his … property might be damaged.”

I pushed my head against his neck and just breathed in his scent. If Lex had died then, the world would have been diminished. I wondered if he knew that. Lex leaned his head against mine.

“Lionel kept having you … do things with … with those men? How could he knowing … I mean he knew what these men wanted! He must have known after Riley.”

Lex was so still against me. “He said it would … strengthen me. He said why what Riley did hurt me so badly was because I felt powerless. And he said that being with these other men would show me that I did have power. I would have power over these men, because they wanted me. And when you have what someone wants … you have the power.”

“What bullshit!”

Lex snorted in agreement. “I really think that he was so pleased by how well it had worked out with Riley that he figured he could make a ton more deals with me as an incentive.”

I gasped and Lex petted my arm as if I was the one in need of comfort.

He continued, “And until now ... it didn’t really matter to me who I slept with. After the first time with Riley, I wasn’t ... there really wasn’t that much more those men could take away from me.”

But I remembered the incised word ‘whore’ written over and over again. No matter what Lex told himself now, each time he had given himself away for Lionel’s gain it cost him greatly.

“No wonder you thought nothing of giving yourself to Lucien.”

Lex laughed suddenly and it was a true mirthful sound. “Funny thing about that, even if I had been inclined to go to bed with Lucien, I don’t think he’d have taken me up on it.”

“But Lionel said--”

Lex got a decidedly nasty smile on his face, “Lionel has no idea what Lucien really wants from me. Lucien doesn’t want me as his lover. He wants me as his son.”

“What?”

“Stranger than that, he’s the wolf … or that was the form he took that night. Let me tell you everything that happened. You’re not going to believe it.”

Lex described the lunch meeting in such detail that I felt I had been there. I alternated between gasping, laughing and worrying my lower lip as he told the story. There had only been vague mentions at the end of the meal of meeting again to iron out some deals. But Lucien had said nothing more whether by mental telepathy or otherwise about his proposition to become Lex’s father.

“What are you going to do?” I asked him.

He smirked and then laughed genuinely. “I have no clue. It’s so damn bizarre. All I do know is that I have to find out more about Lucien.”

“Do you think he’s a meteor mutant?”

Lex’s eyes narrowed and he chewed the inside of his cheek as he thought about it. “No. I didn’t think that when we first saw those wolves and I don’t think it now. He’s … something else entirely. I just don’t understand why he’s chosen me.”

I snorted. “Are you kidding? You’re smart, handsome and incredibly successful. The perfect son to have.”

Lex caressed the side of my face. “You’re biased.”

“You’re being too modest.”

“I’m not good son material. Lionel can attest to that.”

“He thinks you’re a good son, Lex. He wouldn’t torture you like he does if he thought otherwise. He wouldn’t waste his time if you weren’t worth it.”

Lex looked at me quietly for a long time. “I suppose you have a point there, angel. I only hear the things he says that I’m failing at … never looked at the fact that he keeps trying to whip me into shape. Well, into the shape he wants me to be in.”

“I know you hate Lionel, but could you become someone else’s son?”

“I … I don’t know. Lionel’s defined who I am for so long. Could I just stop thinking of him as my father and put someone else in his place? It wasn’t even an option to consider until a few hours ago.” Lex traced the seam of my jeans with his fingertips. “I had a dream this morning though where I called Lucien father and it felt so … right. Probably him beaming that image into my mind. But … in the dream, you and I were safe. We were happy with him. Then I woke up and there was Lionel in all his glory.”

Lex sounded so bitter and hurt when he said that last sentence. He wanted a father that loved him, was proud of him. I understood that all too well. Not that I longed for Jonathan to love me, but I often wondered if Jor-EI ever had. The A.I. that was based on him seemed so cold and forbidding. I pressed a soft, long kiss against Lex’s temple. His eyes fluttered shut and I felt him relax against me.

“Whatever you want to do, Lex, I’m behind you all the way.”

A sweet smile graced Lex’s lips. “Whatever happens so long as you’re with me, Clark, it’ll be perfect. It just figures though that the man who wants to take Lionel’s place wouldn’t be … well, would be made of fire and could shape-shift. You would think I’d be used to the bizarre by now, but even this surprises me.”

He flipped to the entries he made while in Smallville, reading silently the first one about me.

“I’ve always thought of you as my angel, you know that?”

I shook my head.

“Inside, I always called you that, but I didn’t think I’d ever be able to say it out loud. And now … now everything’s so different. All the things I thought were impossible between us are possible and … it’s better than I ever dreamt it would be,” he whispered the last into my hair and placed a line of kisses along my hairline to my ear.

I moved into his touch and turned my head so that his kisses traveled towards my mouth. He claimed my lips with his own lightly, almost reverently, as if he were saying ‘I love you’ with each gentle touch of his mouth on my own. When he finally broke away to breathe, his eyes were clear and there was a small smile on his face.

“You didn’t get a chance to look around anywhere else in the penthouse, did you?” He asked quietly. “Maybe rifled through my underwear drawer and found my dirty magazines?”

“No! I didn’t … I wouldn’t …” I realized that he was teasing and batted him on the shoulder.

“Hmmm, I’m sort of sad though that you didn’t look in the bottom dresser drawer,” Lex said and I heard the smirk in his voice before I saw it on his face.

“Should I be afraid to know why you want me to paw through your dresser, Lex?” I glanced over at the chest of drawers.

“Oh, I don’t know … it might show another side of me that you’d enjoy.”

“Do you want me to look now? I could just x-ray the dresser so we wouldn’t even have to move.” I ran my hands around his waist, teasing his black sweater up to touch the bare skin of his sides, stomach and back.

Lex shivered in appreciation and dipped down to kiss my head again. “Handy skill that x-ray business. Yes, Clark, I want you to x-ray the bottom drawer.”

I did and I felt my whole body blush at what I saw. There were dildos of every shape and size. I thought I saw a whip coiled in the very bottom of the drawer and a pair of fur lined cuffs nestled in the center of the coils, which reminded me uncomfortably of what happened in the cellar, but I would trust Lex no matter what he wanted to do. Then there were just things I didn’t know what they were for, but something in me quivered at the thought of learning how to use them. “Those are … ah … toys … I’m guessing, right?”

“Yes, that would be correct, angel.” Lex began to map my right ear with his tongue and I was the one to shake that time.

“They’re … purple. At least some on them are.”

“Of course.” Lex pushed me back on the bed and straddled my hips and placed his hands on the bed on either side of my head. “I figure we’ll work up to using them. But right now I don’t want any distractions from just worshipping your body. Do you feel up to letting me love you?”

I moaned as he nibbled on my lower lip and bucked up underneath him when he traced my jaw with his teeth.

“I’ll take that as a yes, shall I, angel?”

“Yes! Yes!”

Lex flicked open each of my flannel shirt’s buttons with his elegant fingers and I sat up so he could peel that and my t-shirt off of me. Lex laid me back down on the bed and just looked at me.

“Do you know how wanton you look right now, angel? Your skin is all flushed with arousal, your pupils are expanded, and your expression is lust-glazed. God, and you’re all mine. You’d let me do whatever I wanted to you, wouldn’t you?” Lex husked.

“Yes,” I whispered and my hands fluttered up to tug at his sweater.

He grinned and swatted my hands away gently.

“Lex, I want to see you, too!”

“I know, but first I get to unwrap you.”

Lex shimmied down my legs so that he could unbutton and unzip my jeans. I lifted my hips so that he could slide them off. He tossed them onto the floor with the rest of my clothes.

“So you went commando this morning?” Lex chuckled.

I nodded and hissed as he ran his tongue over the head of my cock. It was already hard and weeping pre-cum, which he lapped up like a cat.

“So sweet, Clark. You taste … like candy,” Lex groaned and he engulfed the head of my penis with his mouth.

I gasped and strained not to thrust up into his mouth. He drew back and smirked at me.

“No one’s ever done that to you before have they?”

I shook my head. “Lex, we should be … careful. I don’t want to hurt you and if I lose control—”

“You won’t hurt me, Clark, because you won’t allow yourself to,” Lex said and placed his hands on my hips, drawing circles with his thumbs on my hipbones. Lex commanded me with the lightest touch. “Listen to my voice, angel. I am going to suck you off, but your hips will not leave this bed. Your hands will remain at your sides. Do you understand?”

I moaned and nodded. His eyes darkened from silver to pewter-colored with desire.

“I am going to make you orgasm so hard that you’ll pass out when I’m done, Clark.”

His strength of will was greater than my physical strength, because even when he dipped his head down and swirled his tongue over the tip of my penis, my hands and hips remained still. I screamed when he took me all the way into his throat. Then he began to suck … hard and my head was thrashing side to side, but the rest of my body stayed in place. I felt a tingling in my balls and they pulled tight against my body. One of Lex’s hands snaked around my side to my back and I mewled as I felt one of his fingers press gently against my opening.

“Lex! I’m going to cum! I’m … I’m … oh, God!”

I felt my seed spurting down his throat and then I knew nothing more for a few moments. Lex’s promise that I would pass out had happened. When I opened my eyes, I saw Lex’s face a few inches from my own. His mouth was cocked in a half grin. He looked sated, like a cat after eating a bowl of cream.

“Welcome back, angel.”

I blushed. Lex watched as the red stain flooded my entire body. I squirmed under his intense gaze.

“Hmmm, I wondered if it was more than your face that turned this becoming pink. It will be ever so hard now to stop myself from getting aroused each time you blush, Clark, because I’ll be envisioning where that pink stain is spreading.”

I blushed again and he chuckled. So I reached up and plucked at his sweater. “Why are you still dressed? I want to return the favor you just did me.”

Lex grinned and kissed me long and deep, his tongue twinning with mine. I could taste my sweetness in his mouth. But then he got up from the bed and offered me his hand.

“I’m dressed, because we have some shopping to do and I refuse to walk around Metropolis in fall with a bare ass.”

“But you haven’t …” I gestured towards his crotch.

“What haven’t I?” Lex asked, but his grin belied the innocent tone.

“You haven’t cum. I want to make you cum, too!”

I grabbed his hips and pressed my face against the warmth of his groin. I could smell his arousal and was aching again. Lex gasped. I let my hot breath puff against the fabric of his pants, right over the bulge of his hard cock.

“We have to get to the shops, angel.”

His hips jerked forward uncontrollably and he groaned as I kissed his cock through his pants.

“I’ll be quick, Lex. I promise. I just want to make you as happy as you’ve made me.”

I glanced up at his face while my hands tugged at his belt. He caught hold of my hands and I shivered as he looked at me with such raw need that it took my breath away.

“Angel, the problem is that … that I won’t be able to stop with just getting a blow job if we don’t … don’t leave now. Having you here … us alone with this big bed and … your glorious naked body being offered to me like some … some virgin sacrifice …” He shuddered and closed his eyes tight. “You are such a temptation, angel.”

I stood up and wrapped my arms around him, pushing my entire body up against his. I shook a little out of need and fear at my boldness. “You can have me, Lex. All of me. I want you inside me. Any way you want. I’m yours.”

His eyes shot open. His arms were rigid at his sides. I could almost feel the electricity his brain was generating as billions of thoughts flickered through his mind. In his darkest honey voice, he said as he grasped my naked waist, “I will have you, angel, again and again and again. I will be your first, last, only. You will ache to be filled with me. You will feel incomplete without me inside of you. We belong to each other and I want that deepest union with you so badly.”

My legs were shaking as he spoke. I didn’t think I would be able to stand for much longer. As if he sensed this, Lex lead me back to the bed and sat me down. He wouldn’t let me lie back though and open my legs for him. Instead he grasped my shoulders and hunkered down so that we were at eye level.

“I promise you all of that, angel. But not today.”

“But I’m ready today!”

“But I’m not.”

I had been formulating arguments to convince Lex that I was ready, that it wasn’t too soon, that I wasn’t so traumatized that I didn’t know what I was asking. But all of that was blown away by his simple statement.

Lex cleared his throat and covered my hands with his. His eyes flicked between looking at our clasped hands and my face. “I … I’ve never made love to anyone, angel. I’ve had plenty of sex, but never … I’m as much a virgin to this as you are.”

I leaned forward so that are foreheads were touching and kissed the tip of his nose. “I’ll be gentle.”

“I’m sure.” He laughed, but got all serious again. “I have this … fantasy about our first time together.” He paused and pulled the top of his sweater away from his throat. He wouldn’t look me in the eye and I knew this was hard for his to admit. “I want the whole … romantic bit. A wonderful dinner, soothing music, candles, strawberries and whip cream.” We both smiled at that. “What I’m saying is I don’t want it spur of the moment. I want to savor it.”

“You want that with me?”

“I want everything with you. So … could you help me keep my fantasy alive, angel? Let me arrange an evening for us … very soon … where we can do this right. Please, Clark.”

Lex’s eyes were pleading with me and I wanted to tell him that there was no need to fear, that I would give him anything he asked. But I was speechless for the second time that day and felt it would be better just to show him anyway. I kissed him, putting all my love and devotion into that touch. He moaned and pressed his lips hard against mine.

“Whatever you want, Lex,” I whispered.

“Thank you, angel,” he breathed. “Now get dressed. I can’t wait to get you proper clothes.”


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The shop Lex was taking me to was within walking distance from the penthouse. We headed there on foot, our reflections following just behind us in the store windows. It was a struggle not to reach for his hand or slide my arm around his waist. I could tell Lex felt the same way as the hand he had closest to me would flex occasionally as if he wished to clasp mine with his.
“You’ll love this place, Clark. Cashmere and silk and cotton so fine you’ll never believe it.”

“So long as you pick me out some things that I can wear at school without getting harassed you can dress me however you want.”

“Excellent. You’re in good hands, Clark. Good hands.”

Lex clapped me on the shoulder, his mouth stretched into a wide grin. That’s when I saw it. I glanced over at our reflections in the glass and saw we weren’t alone. Trailing after us was the form of a huge wolf, silver fur, and glowing mercury-colored eyes. The thing’s tongue was lolling out of its mouth as if panting … or smiling at me. I must have made some sound because Lex stopped walking and gave me a quizzical look. I pointed to the glass. He looked and the color left his face then his jaw clenched. He saw the wolf, too. Then there were more of them, flowing like water through traffic. The whole pack raced towards us with slavering jaws and glowing eyes. Lex kept switching his gaze from the store window to the real world. The wolves only appeared in the reflection. Lex’s breathing was speeding up though he looked outwardly calm. According to the reflection, the wolves were milling around us in what appeared to be patterns. It was almost beautiful.

Lex breathed out while still looking at the reflection, “Lucien.”

The wolf formation suddenly broke apart and a man with hair the color of living flame flowing down his back was walking amidst the pack. He wore all black from his turtleneck to the long dress coat to his shoes. I turned from looking at the reflection of the sidewalk in the window to the actual sidewalk itself and saw that the man was indeed striding towards us. There was a gentle smile on his face. But despite his mild expression, I was frozen in place by the sight of him. As he walked by me, he touched my cheek with the back of one gloved hand. My skin tingled. He nodded at me as if in approval. Then his gaze was riveted on Lex and Lex alone. Lex swallowed hard and his eyes were too bright, but otherwise he looked in control. I wanted to rush to Lex’s side. I willed my limbs to move, but they remained stubbornly in place. Lucien stopped a foot in front of Lex.

“I don’t appreciate being followed, Mr. Lucien.”

“Arsay, please, Lex. I think we are on a first-name basis now, don’t you?” Lucien’s voice was as arresting as the rest of him. It was melodic and low, skating across my tense nerves.

“The sentiment remains the same no matter what we call each other,” Lex answered with that quiet conviction.

Lucien chuckled. “I don’t know why you asked for my fire when you obviously have so much of your own.”

Lex blinked and I was surprised to see a trace of blush on his cheek bones. “About that fire, Arsay, … what exactly are you?”

Lucien smiled hugely. “Right to the point. But this is hardly a short conversation or one to have out in the middle of the street. How about dinner tonight? Both of you. We can discuss many things then. I promise it will be a more pleasant meal than today’s lunch was.”

Lex’s gaze skittered over to me. He wanted to know what I thought of the idea. Lucien turned and looked at me as well, that beguiling smile still on his face. I wanted to scream no, that we wouldn’t go anywhere with this man. But then I thought of Lionel and the 'dates'and Tom Riley and Lex’s pain. Here was a … being … that could save Lex from Lionel. He was certainly powerful enough to do it. And maybe he would be kind as well. A good father to Lex even if he wasn’t human. But then again I wasn’t human either. Considering Lex’s track record with his own species hurting him or trying to kill him, he was probably safer with non-humans than humans. Besides I feared we had little choice whether to accept Lucien’s offer or not. I decided to cling to the illusion of free will so I nodded and agreed to this dinner.

Lucien said, “Wonderful. How about Va Pensiero at 7? Clark will feel comfortable in the atmosphere. And you will get to show him off a bit in some of those new clothes you’re going to buy him.”

“How did you know …,” Lex broke off, his lips pressed together in a tight line. “It seems we have a lot to discuss this evening, Arsay.”

“Indeed. I look forward to it.” Lucien stood there for a moment longer. Slowly, as though not wanting to frighten a wild animal, he reached forward and touched Lex’s shoulder. “I really am looking forward to it.”

Lex looked at the hand on his shoulder, but it wasn’t with the half-disguised loathing he showed when Lionel touched him. His expression was neutral as if weighing if he liked the touch or not. But then Lucien’s hand was gone and Lex dipped forward as if he wanted to recapture that touch. Realizing what he’d done, Lex looked away from Lucien, his body suddenly tense and still.

“Well, I’ll see you both at 7. Take care,” Lucien said when Lex didn’t speak or look at him.

I watched as Lucien walked up ahead of us through a flock of pigeons. In the glass, I saw the wolves rush the helpless flock. Whether it was an animal sixth sense or if the wolves were actually visible to the birds, the flock rose up in a white and gray feathered mass to escape. When I looked for Lucien again, he was gone.

“Damnit,” Lex hissed, suddenly by my side.

“He disappeared.”

“Why am I not surprised?”

I gripped Lex’s shoulder and forced him to look up at me. “Are you okay? He didn’t hurt you when he touched you, did he?”

“No, just … he gets to me, Clark. No one gets to me unless I let them. But he … ” Lex worried his lower lip. “I hate this. He knows so much about us and we know nothing about him. Nothing about what he can do or … we just know nothing! I need information.”

“Chloe!” I said suddenly and Lex twisted his head around thinking she was physically there. “No, not here. I was just thinking that maybe she could find out something about Lucien. You know how unconventional her search methods are.”

Lex bit his lower lip. “Maybe you’re right. It couldn’t hurt to ask.”

I took out my new cell phone and flipped it open. “First call ever,” I teased Lex.

“Your cell phone is virginal no longer.”

I blushed and Lex laughed as he guessed correctly that I was imagining myself in that non-virginal position soon.

“Sullivan residence!” Chloe answered, sounding breathless.

“Chloe, its Clark.”

“Oh, my God, Clark! Thank goodness! Are you okay? Where are you? Have you heard anything about Lex? What’s going on? Pete and I went to the farm last night and no one was there! And they wouldn’t let us on the Castle grounds either!”

Her flood of questions made me smile as it was so Chloe, even though I felt terrible knowing she had been hanging on not knowing what had happened to Lex and me.

“I’m in Metropolis with Lex. We’re both fine,” I answered and leaned against one of the buildings so we were out of the main flow of traffic. I tilted the cell phone a little away from my ear so that Lex could listen. He moved in closer and I felt the warmth of his breath puff against my face. I resisted the desire to kiss him, but it was a near thing.

Chloe gave a happy, relieved laugh. “Metropolis? What are you doing there?”

“Lex had a lunch meeting and now he’s … taking me shopping.”

“Shopping?”

“Don’t ask. Long story.”

“Sounds like a good one, too. But I’m just so glad you’re both okay. I was going out of my head here. Pete thought I needed valium.”

“God, I’m so sorry that I didn’t call you back right away.” I swallowed, suddenly feeling sick as I remembered part of the reason why I couldn’t get back to her was that I was bound in the cellar. “Things … some things happened that … well, bad stuff happened. But everything’s okay now.”

Lex tensed beside me and his blue-grey eyes searched my face to see if he needed to intervene and talk to Chloe himself. I shook my head at his unasked question.

I knew Chloe was chewing her bottom lip and wrapping a strand of blonde hair around her index finger as she listened to me. “Can you talk about it? What happened, I mean.”

“I’d rather not. I’d rather do it in person, but then again … look I don’t want you hearing this from anyone but me. But no matter what, it’s not Torch material, Chloe.”

Chloe gave a little snort. “It’s always Torch material with you, Clark. The question is whether I get to print it or not.”

“Well, this time you definitely can’t print it.” I tightened my grip on the phone realizing for the first time that my role as Lex’s ward would be far more public than my role as friend had ever been. Reporters not as nice or scrupulous as Chloe would be swarming over him and I both. I knew Lex probably had his PR people already on it. But part of what the Kents had done to me would probably come out.

“All right. Any conversation we have about this is completely off the record. Just friend Chloe here, reporter Chloe has been put back in her box. Chained. Shouting about freedom of the press all the way.”

I had to stifle a laugh as she muttered the last. “Is Pete there with you?”

“No, he had some family stuff to do today. But he’ll be by later. You aren’t going to make me wait to hear this news until Pete gets here are you?” Chloe whined. Reporter Chloe might be chained, but clearly wasn’t dead.

“No. I’m sorta hoping you’ll help me break this news to him.” I took a deep breath, Lex grasped my free hand tight in a show of support. “Lex is my legal guardian now.”

I never knew what a resounding silence was until that moment. I swear that Chloe stopped breathing after I said it.

Chloe’s voice when it came was higher-pitched than normal. “You’re … kidding, right? I mean … your parents …”

“They were … Jonathan was …” I break off. Could I say this? Could I finally admit I was being beaten to someone other than Lex?

“Are your parents … dead?” Her voice broke at the last word.

“No! God, no!” Of course, she thought that was the only way that I wouldn’t be their kid any more.

“Oh, well, then … did Lex … did Lex do something that made your parents give up—”

“Lex didn’t do anything wrong!” I straightened up and my eyes met Lex’s. To his credit, he didn’t look angry, just sadly resigned. I, on the other hand, wanted to laugh, scream, and throw up. She thought that Lex had somehow blackmailed the Kents into giving me up. Lex had to be the one doing evil, not the blessed Kents! And she knew Lex, had hung out with him, so if even she was thinking this of him other people in town would think it and worse.

“Clark, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean …”

“No, its okay, Chloe. I didn’t mean to shout at you. It’s just that everyone is going to think that and … it’s not true. It’s the farthest thing from the truth.” I closed my eyes for a second and swallowed the anger. “He … Lex saved me, Chloe. Jonathan was hurting me. He was beating me. He meant to … kill me this time.”

Chloe’s gasped and her breathing hitched over the line. “Oh, my God, Clark … Clark … so sorry … so sorry ….”

Lex was rubbing my shoulder. I knew he was shocked that I’d said all this. We were in the middle of the street, on a cell phone, but I didn’t care. I wanted her to understand how Lex had saved me, see what a hero he was. And somehow it was easier telling her this way. It felt like ripping something unclean out of me when I added, “Martha knew, too. She approved of what Jonathan was doing to me. She thought it was the right thing!”

“I’m so … sorry. I can’t believe it. It’s so awful.”

“Look, I don’t want you to think you could have done something or … whatever. I … didn’t want anyone to know. I just thought it would make it worse.”

“If there’s anything I can do … if you need to talk to anyone or … whatever. I’m here, Clark. Always here.”

“Thank you. That means … a lot.”

She was silent for a moment, digesting what she heard. I knew she wanted to ask more questions, give more sympathy, but she wouldn’t, being afraid it would hurt me or she would say the wrong thing. I wanted to assure her that it was okay, but at the same time I didn’t want to get into the details of what had happened to me on the phone.

She cleared her throat and said, “So … I think I understand why you’re worried about Pete’s reaction. He’ll hit the roof if he hears this without the explanation why.”

“Even with the explanation, he’ll probably still hit the roof,” I murmured.

“So what do you want me to tell him?”

“Just if he’s heard anything about the guardianship … that there’s a good explanation and to wait to kill Lex until he hears from me. Otherwise, let him know I’m okay and that I need to talk to him about something important. That I’ll contact him as soon as I can.”

“Will you be in school tomorrow?”

I looked into Lex’s eyes. I knew he didn’t want me to go in. Maybe it was too soon. But he had to work and hanging around the Castle by myself would give my mind too much free reign.

“I … I don’t know. Lex wants to play things by ear. See how I’m doing and all. I don’t want people to think he’s not being a good guardian letting me skip.”

“Clark, I think that after what you went through it would be totally understandable if you were gone for awhile. Besides, you know Smallville, everyone is bound to look for faults with Lex where there are none.”

“Yeah. That’s the problem. He’s done something so amazing for me and everyone will judge him badly for it. Look for evil motives.”

There was this expression on Lex’s face as I said he’d done something amazing, it was like dawn breaking, light and happiness suffused his expression. God, he was so beautiful that my mouth went dry. He rubbed his thumb across the palm of my hand.

I hardly heard Chloe say, “You’ve always trusted him though and he’s pretty much kept your trust. You’ve changed him, Clark.”

“I think I just let him be what he really was.”

“Maybe you’re right. Hey, you never did tell me what the shopping is all about,” She teased.

“Oh, well, Lex thinks that flannel is not the look he wants for his ward. So in order for me not to look like a ragamuffin, his word, not mine, he’s getting me some clothes.”

Lex winked at me.

“Oooh, so you’re going to come back even hotter than before. Still my beating heart, Clark!”

“Chloe, don’t tease.”

“You really don’t know how beautiful you are, do you? Hmmm, just adds to your allure, too.”

I felt myself blush and groaned. “Allure? Please, I’m not … like that.”

“Riiiight. Sure, Clark.”

“Chloe!”

“Okay, okay. Well, I can’t wait to see the new you.”

“It’ll be the same old me just with new clothes and a new address.”

“Somehow I have a feeling wealth is going to agree with you. Finally, Lex gets to spoil you like he’s always wanted. I wonder if that spoiling would spill over onto good blonde haired reporter friends?” She giggled and I couldn’t help laughing right along with her so hard I was tearing. Lex was chuckling, too. I realized I had yet to ask her to do the research on Lucien, which was the point of the call in the first place.

“Chloe, we need you to do another favor for us.”

“Anything. Really.”

“Maybe I should let Lex explain.” I handed the cell to Lex.

“Hello, Chloe.”

“Lex! You’re going to take good care of Clark, right? You won’t let anything happen to him, will you?” Chloe’s voice carried and I heard her concern like a beacon.

“Yes, I promise that I’ll do everything in my power to make sure Clark is happy and safe,” Lex answered her. His brushed one of his hands against the back of one of mind. “Now I need you to find out everything you can about a man called Arsay de’Fale Lucien.”

Lex spelled the name out for her. He chewed his inner cheek for a moment then added, “His name translated means the Arc of Fallen Light. See if that brings up anything, too. If you could do this right away … good, I’m so glad you can. If you find anything by six o’clock tonight, call my cell phone. Thanks, Chloe.”

Lex handed the phone back to me.

“Chloe, we really appreciate this. Work your magic, okay?”

“Of course, for you two, anything,” she answered then she was quiet for a moment. “Clark, are you … are you going to be okay?”

“I’m with Lex, Chloe. I’ll be fine. I’ll be better than that.”

Lex’s gaze held mine as I said that and I knew it was true.

“Okay. Well, I’ll let you get on with your shopping and I’ll talk to you later. Bye, Clark.”

“Bye, Chloe.” I closed the phone.

Lex and I stood facing one another as the fall wind picked up. He was smiling in that Lexian way that made my heart race. He was so beautiful. Lex leaned in, his lips a whisper away from my right ear, and he said, “You do realize that a big part of the thrill I get from buying you clothes, Clark, is that I get to see you undress between trying on outfits, don’t you?”

I shivered with anticipation. “Well then, let’s do some clothes shopping.”