Numb

Luka tugged at the collar of his tan shirt and loosened the top button, trying to get comfortable. He wasn't sure why he had agreed to come to dinner when Abby called. Maybe he just hadn't felt like sitting around alone longer. Deep down he knew he wanted to share his problem with someone, someone who understood.
Today would have been his son's fifteenth birthday. If everything in his life had gone right, he would be celebrating with his family right now. Instead he was sitting at a table in a crowded restaurant alone.
He had try not let this get to him this year. He had tried to push it all away, but for some reason it had hit him harder this time than it had since the first year after. Two days ago, he had looked at the calendar at work. Everything had been okay until that point. Then the numbers had blared off the page at him and his entire world came to a screeching halt.
Everything hadn't been okay to that point actually. He had been spending quite a bit of his time over the last weeks thinking about his family. Particularly about his wife. Things with Sam had progressed to a level he hadn't been prepared for and he wasn't sure what to do about it. He knew he was hurting her by pulling back from her but until he figured out what was in his head, he couldn't let himself keep going like he was. He needed some time to think things through.
" You look pretty lost in thought. " Abby said as she sat down in the chair opposite him.
" I was about a million miles away. " he said, giving her a smile.
" I'm guessing not that far. I betting you were halfway around the world instead. " she answered.
He gave her a sheepish look and cast his eyes down to the table. " I've been caught. "
" I know what today is. Are you okay ? " she asked, lowing her voice and reaching out for his hand.
" I will be. " he answered, quietly. " It's nice of you to remember. "
" Of course I remember. I care about you. You are one of the most important people in my life. "
She pulled her hand back and smiled at him. " Have you been here long ? "
" No, not really. I'm really glad you called. I needed to get out for a while. "
" Well, I had an ulterior motive for calling then I saw the date and I realized why you didn't come to work today. " she told him.
" What ulterior motive ? Do you need something ? " he asked, sitting up straighter and reaching for his water.
" No, but I'm afraid you do. " she said, leveling him with a penetrating look.
" What ? " he asked, suspicious of her look.
She sat back against her chair and just looked at him for a long moment.
" How are things with Sam going ? " she asked.
Luka sat back and ran his fingers through his hair.
" Why do you ask ? " he said after a minute.
" I've just noticed that things don't seem to being going as well as they had been. I was wondering if something happened. " she said, idly taking a drink.
" No, nothing happened. I'm just... " he let his voice trail off as he collected his thoughts. She watched him patiently as he shifted a bit then resettled. " I'm not sure what is going on and now with Steve showing up that changes things even more. "
The waiter approached their table and it afforded her a moment to consider how she wanted to proceed.
After he took their orders and left again, she let out an audible sigh.
" I was going to come here and lay into you for making a very big mistake again. I had an entire speech planned about how I didn't want to see you mess this up. About how this was good for you and you needed it. " she told him. " Then I saw the date and everything just went out the window. I don't want to come down on you today. I don't want to make you feel worse than you already do. "
Luka shifted again and tried to force a smile. " I appreciate that. " he managed.
" But I can't just sit back and say nothing about this either. " she added, making the smile disappear from his face.
" Abby, I understand what your doing and really I am thankful for your concern, but I just need some time to think this thing through. " he said, leaning closer to her.
" I can at tht that. I just think I'm not the person you should be telling that to. " she answered.
" I see your point. I will talk to her. I promise. Now tell me about Carter. Is everything going okay with you ? " he asked.
Abby chuckled and picked up her glass again. " That was a very masterful change of subject. " she laughed.
" I'm glad you understood it. " he laughed back.
" Just don't forget to talk to her. " she added. " I don't want you to mess this up. "
" I will. " he assured her and then he settled back to enjoy their dinner.
Abby took the hint and silently agreed to let him squirm away from her this time. She couldn't be mean to him today. Besides, she had back up planned for later.


Luka raised up from his place on the couch and turned his head towards the offending buzzing coming from the door. He was still too full from dinner to want to move around too much and too exhausted from days of self induced torment to want to deal with much of anything.
With a heavy sigh he went to the door and opened it.
John Carter stood on the other side with a case of beer, smiling brightly.
" Told you I'd come by later. " he said, in greeting.
Luka opened the door wider allowing him entrance and smiled back.
" What have you been up to ? " he asked, walking back to his place on the couch and flopping down.
" Not much, working, you know. I figured it's been a while since we just hung out. " he aned, ed, occupying the other end of the sofa and putting the beer between them.
He tore open the box and offered one to Luka. Luka accepted it and popped the top. Then he watched Carter do the same for himself.
" That was a pretty intense scene at Sam's earlier. " he commented off-handedly.
" It was, wasn't it ? " Luka answered, taking a long drink from his can.
" So how's it going with you guys ? "
Luka jerked his head towards him and smiled. " Boy, Abby isn't playing around about this, is she ? "
Carter looked shocked at first then sheepish. " I'm sorry, man. She told me she thought something was wrong and I offered to check on you. " he explained.
" It's okay. I don't mind. It's nice to know I've got you two watching my back. " Luka smiled again.
" So what is up ? " Carter asked, settling back against the sofa.
" I really don't know myself. " Luka breathed. " Everything was fine. Then I just started feelingriblrible every time I was with her. So I backed off. "
Carter looked at him and smiled. " There's more to it than that. Come on, Give. I want the whole story not the bullshit you fed Abby. All of it. "
Luka pulled his hand through his hair and chuckled. " I like her and Alex a lot. "
" I knew that already. So, what's the problem ? I thought that would be a good thing. "
He finished off his can and tossed it towards the trash can, but missed. It clanged to the floor beside it. " ke tke them too much. " he answered quietly.
Carter stopped mid drink and looked at him. " You're in love with her. " he concluded.
Luka cast his eyes downward. " I think I am. "
Carter smiled brightly. " That's wonderful. " he elated. Then his face fell as he looked at Luka. " Why is it not wonderful ? "
Luka reached for another beer, popped the top and took a drink. " I don't know if I'm ready for that. "
Carter sat up and looked at him, obviously stunned. " What do you mean your not ready for that ? Why the hell not ? "
" I just feel horrible all the time. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. " he tried to explain.
Carter bolted from the sofa and started pacing. " Oh, for Christ's sake, Man. Enough."
Luka was startled by his sudden movement and his eyes widened.
" Stop torturing yourself. "
" You don't understand. " Luka muttered, drinking again.
" I understand perfectly. " Carter countered. " I undend tnd that you feel like you're cheating on your wife. I understand that it was all good when it wasn't serious but the second you even considered this could be more, you turned tail and ran as fast as you could. "
Luka sat up straighter and once again ran his fingers through his hair. " I just need some time to deal with this. "
" Time ? " Carter almost shouted. " You've had thirteen years. Thirteen miserable years and now's your chance to end it and you're letting anr gur guy move in on that. "
Luka stared at the floor. He was right. Everything he was saying was right.
" I hate that you know me so well. " Luka muttered, finishing off the can and tossing it this time successfully in the trash.
Carter sat back down. " I'm just tired of seeing you like this. As long as I've known you, I've never seen you happy. " He turned and looked him the eyes. " Are you willing to lose them over this ? Because that is what is going to happen."
Luka shook his head. " no, I'm not. "
" Then talk to her. Tell her everything. She deserves that. She has been more than patient and she's willing to help you work through all this. Do you not understand how special that is ? How special both of them are ? "
" Yeah, I know exactly how special they are. " Luka assured him.
" Then don't let them go. " Carter told him, firmly. " Man, there aren't many pieces left of you to pick up anymore. Don't let this fall apart. "
Luka smiled and grabbed another beer. " All right, I get it. I'll talk to her. "
" Good deal. Because frankly, Abby and I both are tired of watching you mope around all over the place. " He teased.
" Hey, I've watched you and Abby both do your share of moping and I never complained."
" Yeah, but we didn't do it for eight solid years. " Carter countered.
Luka chuckled. " Thank you. "
" You're welcome. " Carter said, standing. " I'm going to go home and see my woman. All this love talk has me feeling romantic. "
Luka laughed and through his empty can at him.
" Hey, " Carter said, dodging it quickly. " Call your woman. I'm sure she needs to hear from you, especially with Steve showing up. "
" Yeah, I guess I need to deal with that. " Luka sighed.
" Yeah, you do. I don't like that guy. " Carter said, walking to the door.
" You don't know the half of it. " Luka muttered.
" That sounds like a discussion for another timeCartCarter answered.
" I'll see you around. " Luka called over his shoulder.
" Yep, see you at work. Let me know how it goes. " Carter said, before leaving.
" I will. " Luka reassured him.