Carry On My Wayward Son

Chapter 10

 

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Screaming at the window

Watch me die another day

Hopeless situation

Endless price I have to pay



Sanity now it's beyond me

There's no choice



Diary of a madman

Walk the line again today

Entries of confusion

Dear diary, I'm here to stay

 

-Diary of a Madman

-Ozzy Osbourne

 

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It was mid afternoon before Sam finally woke up with a loud groan, feeling as though he had no rest at all, very sore and still exhausted, emotionally. Rolling out of bed, he staggered to the bathroom then threw himself in the shower, hoping to wake himself up slightly and become more alert.

Standing there under the spray, hands braced against the wall, head hung down, eyes shut, he sighed deeply as the water beat down on him. Though he was still slightly muddled from all the booze he had ingested the night before, he drank a helluva lot more than he usually did, that's for sure, he was clearheaded enough to still be dealing with the after effects of the conversation with Dean. In fact, that conversation didn't allow him to sleep well and gave him some pretty damned strange, and unwelcome, dreams that he didn't want to think about nor were they a welcome intrusion into his psyche. He had hoped after some sleep things would be clearer or he would have an answer to the whole thing but that wasn't happening either. All he felt was more confusion over it, as well as to his nocturnal reaction to the whole thing. Those dreams... were erotic. Something he most assuredly didn't welcome at this juncture! Nor did he want to have them again either.

 

Sighing, he shook his head at his own inner turmoil then turned the water to all cold, hoping that would clear his head slightly. It didn't. All that managed to do was make him shiver as he dealt with his confusion. Rather than making himself pay penance for his confounded state, he jogged the water back to a comfortable temperature and tried to sort through all he had to do that day in hopes of getting his thoughts directed another way. Of course, it didn't work as there really wasn't much he had on his agenda that would distract him from anything. With a dejected sigh, he assumed that this was someones way of telling him that it had to be dealt with so he decided that he needed to face the day. Standing up straight, he washed up then stepped out. After drying off and dressing he headed to the kitchen to find something to eat then plan what needed attending to that day, mind still circling the conversation from the night before.

 

While sitting down at the table and compiling a list of mundane things he wanted to do that day in hopes to give himself time to think over the nightmare of the night before, Bobby called. Knowing the old hunter was going to bring up most of the mess with Dean sometime this week, he assumed that's what it was about. Quickly, he snagged the cell and stuffed the hands-free in his ear before answering it. “Hey, Bobby,” he said while taking another bite of his breakfast.

 

Grunting what passed as a hello, Bobby then launched in, “I talked to Dean today about what was going on. Most of it went as planned and well, he was receptive to it. However, there was one stick in the spokes that you need to know about, Sam.”

 

Nodding, pleased, that his sometimes contrary brother had not fought with Bobby over it, Sam then asked, “What's the problem?”

 

Rubbing a hand over his eyes in a tired way, sure that Sam's reaction to this wasn't going to be good, he said, “He figured out the connection with Ruby on his own. I tried staying away from that part but he managed to put it together.”

 

Okay, that wasn't the best news in the world but, before he panicked, Sam wanted details. “How much did he figure out? Just what does he know?” No, he didn't like that Dean knew there might be a connection there but he could work with it if it was just a minimal thing.

 

“He was able to cotton on to the fact that there might be a connection between Ruby and Asmodeus, that she might be working with him in this mess. Beyond that, he doesn't know the details. I was able to keep him from demanding too much information with the truth that we can't prove anything with it. I laid out everything we have on the demons and angels bit, especially the chunk with Asmodeus, and he was able to put it together on his own from there.” Stopping, Bobby waited to see how bad this was going to go south before he said anything else.

 

Sighing deeply, Sam shut his eyes and shook his head. Though it wasn't something he wanted his brother to know yet, it could have been worse. “How much did you have to give up, Bobby?” More information was needed before he could figure out how to proceed with the whole nightmare.

 

Liking that Sam wasn't flying off the handle like Dean was known to do, Bobby replied, “The most basic that I could manage, like we think Ruby is tied in with Asmodeus and might be taking orders from him. Beyond that, nothing and no hint what she might be up to when it comes to you. I also got him to promise to leave her alone until we can figure it out. That's about the best it was going to get with that. The rest is going to be up to you when it comes to what you tell him. I'm sure he's going to ask tonight. But a piece of advice from me on that is this... don't give up shit until he is there with you on the reservation. Just tell him the truth, that we really don't know what she might be doing, that we have some ideas but no rock-solid proof of anything. I wouldn't go into too much more than that if I were you.”

 

That was advice he was going to take so Sam nodded, “Yeah, I'm going to stick with that for now. I'm sure that I can dance around enough that I won't give anything up to him. With as convoluted as the situation is, I think I can find a way to divert his attention elsewhere, like trying to figure out just what the angels are up to. Plus, there is some stuff that came up between us last night that might overshadow that whole nightmare.”

 

“Good, go with that,” Bobby agreed gruffly. Thoughts slightly diverted, he asked, “What came up with you two? No, boy, I don't want details I just need to know if it’s going to derail our plans is all.”



Not really sure how to answer that question, Sam thought it over. There was no way he was going to tell Bobby that Dean had decided he lusted after his body. After a few moments he said, doing a bit of a dance of his own, “The blowup that has been coming happened last night but, in the end, it worked itself out and I got Dean to talking a little about what is up with him. We also covered some more personal stuff that I won't get into but I don't think anything derailed. I'm sure, from the way things went, that he's actually going to start pushing to meet up soon.” Though he wanted to give an ironic snort over that considering WHY Dean might want to, he didn't. No sense in getting into that or making Bobby suspicious.

 

Pleased with that, Bobby nodded, “You need to encourage that, Sam! He needs out of the game as fast as we can pull him. I just don't want him to know why until he gets there, alright? Hopefully, you talk with him reset things as well and he'll be a bit more stable. How about this... that thing he said that Cas told him...” Stopping, Bobby started to rummage around on his desk for the notes he took on that.

 

Getting up from the table, Sam went over to his desk and found the notebook he kept some things in. Flipping through it, he found the quote then asked, “You mean that whole the one that starts it has to finish it bit? Or something like that?”

 

“That's the one!” Bobby said, relieved that Sam found it. “Why don't you start looking into that bit and see what you can't dig up? That might keep Dean off the track a little. It also might give up a clue we need to figure out what the hell Ruby wants to do with you. It might end up as another dead end but, on the other hand, it might give us some kind of information.”

 

Nodding, Sam laid the notebook on his keyboard to remind himself that it was something he needed to start looking into then headed back to the kitchen, still feeling exhausted. “I'll start tonight, Bobby. Not sure what I'll find, but will do some digging. I have some stuff to handle on this end first, though.”

 

“That's fine,” Bobby agreed. “Just let Dean know you're tackling that to see what comes of it. That should mollify him a little on the topic. Besides, it's probably related and has something we can use. Let's face it, we're getting nowhere just looking into binding spells as there are so many of the damn things! This might be the backdoor we need.”

 

Settling back in his chair, Sam took a large drink of his now tepid coffee with a grimace but nodded, “True. Anything that might narrow the search would be a big help.”

 

 

 

Brow furrowing slightly, Bobby thought there might be something wrong with the youngest Winchester from the tone of his voice but wasn't sure. There was just something... off, or so it seemed. He didn't know what it might be nor did he want to bring it up. If it was bad enough, Sam would eventually tell him. All he could think was that if the two brothers had a 'heart to heart' the night before that some uncomfortable things might have been said. That was, more than likely, what it was. So, he wasn't going to worry about it unless Sam said something. Groaning as he shifted around, he said, “I think I'm going to head out and find something to eat. If you need anything, shout, alright?”

 

Distracted by his own thoughts, Sam sighed then said, “Sure thing, Bobby. Thanks for the heads up and help!”

 

“Anytime, idjit,” Bobby grunted before hanging up.

Sighing, Sam shut his phone then tossed it onto the table before putting his head in his hand. It was going to be a long day and, probably, not a pleasant one either. He had a lot to think about. Shaking his head, he looked down at his now cold food and grimaced. Not wanting anymore, he stood and took the dishes to the sink before decided to find something to do to distract himself from the unwelcome thoughts that were crowding the forefront of his mind.

 

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It was well after dark when Sam finally flopped into his chair in front of the computer. He had spent most of the day outside working on various things to ensure the small house he was renting was winterized to the best of his ability. Already it was damned cold out and, from what the locals had told him, this part of Montana got even worse before it was over so he wanted to ensure that he stayed as warm as possible while keeping the bills low. It had also been his hope that taking care of something physical would give him time to think over the whole mess then come up with a solution. Well, it partially worked. He had plenty of time to think it over, and did, but didn't come up with a solution to it, only raised more questions.

 

Slouching down in his chair, he sipped at his hot coffee while glowering at the shut down computer. The thoughts that had come to him while he was out working weren't pleasant ones. Honestly, his first instinct was to hide from Dean until he could get this absurd obsession under control, something he was sure would eventually happen if he knew his brother as well as he thought he did. But, with everything else that was going on, that couldn't happen so he was going to have to deal with it while working towards getting Dean onto the reservation with him. If he didn't do that, what could come of it would be catastrophic. No, whatever uncomfortable feelings he had were going to have to be set aside for the 'greater good'.

 

Oh the heels of that, however, was the curiosity of just what had started this with Dean. No, he didn't mean watching the first time, though the thought of that still made him blush, but what had triggered the whole admitted obsession. The Dean he had known all his life wouldn't have reacted that way. Maybe it was, despite Dean's assertion, brought on by what happened in hell. That's really the only thing he could think of that would explain it. Dean was far too much of a ladies’ man to start batting for the other team even if it was just him that he was attracted to. Maybe this was part of someone’s plan or something? That he didn't know.

 

Shaking his head, knowing the 'why' wasn't going to come to him, and he sure wasn't going to ask Dean to clarify, as that would lead an even more uncomfortable conversation than the one that was already coming when he turned the computer on, he switched his train of thought to sorting through his feelings on the matter, well, beyond being uncomfortable with the whole thing that is. That was, really, something that made him twitchy and he wasn't sure he wanted to analyze things too much but was left little choice in the matter. With a deep, internal sigh, he jumped in and thought over what he had deduced earlier in the day.

 

The first part was, frankly, that no matter what, he wasn't going to leave Dean. Sure, part of that was the situation they were in but the other was the fact that he loved his brother. He remembered the time when he was a teen and had figured out he was bisexual. It had been his biggest fear that his father or brother would find out then abandon him because of it, hating him because he was different or didn't live up to what they wanted. No, he wasn't going to do that to Dean despite the fact that he was the fixation for Dean's self-admitted obsession. He would stick it out, muddle through and deal with the consequences of it as they came up. But he was staying by his brother's side. Cut, dry and end of story there.

 

On the other side of the coin, he ended up with some uncomfortable, disturbing thoughts as well. No, he didn't produce some kind of secret obsession with his brother that made him want to throw himself at him, that wasn't it at all. But what he did get, by over analyzing the whole damn thing, was something mildly disturbing. Well, maybe it was more than just mildly... In thinking over the whole thing, his brain, being traitorous, chucked up images of the kind of men he favored and what he liked. All along he would admit to being more submissive, liking to bottom, and favored the more aggressive type as a partner. His 'perfect' one was a bit James Dean-ish in nature, more of a small stature with a good build, rough and tumble with lighter hair than his own. It had always been that way. However, it wasn't until he was outside working that he realized that type also matched his brother. That was not the most comforting thought in the whole world. No, it didn't mean he had felt sexual things for Dean over the years, other than that small niggling when he first realized he also liked men, just that his brother was his 'type'. But, to an extent, it made sense to him, on some level. After all, he had spent so many years with Dean, looking up to him, being protected by him, all of those kinds of things, that it was only natural that he would gravitate towards a similar type. The realization of it just made him uncomfortable was all, like he was doing something he shouldn't even though it was an unconscious thing. However, he could deal with it. He WOULD deal with it.

 

Shaking his head, he decided, since he wasn't going to get much else accomplished by thinking it over other than giving himself a headache, it was time to hop online and 'face' Dean. After getting up to get a fresh drink and a snack, he seated himself back at the computer and turned it on. First thing he did was pull up his messenger program. Of course, as he had anticipated, Dean was already there, waiting on him. Grinning, though it was more of a sad one than his normal expression, he shot his brother the standard PM then video chat invite while he pulled up his e-mail. Sticking his headset on, he waited.

 

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Sitting there at the table in the bland hotel room he had spent the day ensconced in, Dean was sure that he was going mad. Normally, he was pretty good at being patient. Shit, that crap came with the job, right? But sitting here, waiting for Sam to show online after what they had discussed the night before was driving him to the brink of insanity! The worst case scenarios were running through his head non-stop and he was sure his brother was going to tell him to get fucked then vanish forever. Yes, as he had repeatedly reminded himself all day, Sam said he wouldn't do that, that he would be on, but he couldn't help it. All the insecurities he had about it were there and he couldn’t make them stop.

 

For the past couple of hours he had been attached to his computer, just waiting while he fiddled with things here and there, playing games, things like that. But mostly what he had been doing was keeping an eye out to see when Sam signed in. In fact, his eyes were all but glued to the corner of his screen where the notification would pop up when he did. But, so far, nothing.

 

Scrubbing a hand over his face, Dean groaned, willing Sam to show up online but was, in more than one way, dreading it as well. Who knew what his brother would say to him after the night before?

 

Leaning back in his chair, eyes shut, Dean rubbed his face. He had just convinced himself to go out to get some beer and munchies to hold him over for the night in case it was going to be a long one when a familiar ping was heard from the computer. Eyes flying open, he gazed at the screen. When he saw Sam's name there, he grinned from ear to ear. That was his little brother! Though that didn't alleviate all the issues he was dealing with, it went a long way towards doing it.

 

Shoving the headset on when the invite hit, he immediately connected with the chat server and all but melted in his chair. When he heard the voice connect completely, he said, trying not to grin, “Hey there, Sammy! How was your day?”

 

Shifting around to get comfortable, Sam found that he couldn't look directly at the part of the screen that showed Dean's face. Most certainly, he couldn't look into his brother's eyes! Sighing, he shook his head then said, “It's not been a fun one on this end, Dean. How was yours?”

 

Sobering up, some of that feeling of elation leaving him, Dean nodded. In wallowing about his own angst, he hadn’t thought about the hell that Sammy must be going through on his end over this. From the tight, pinched look on his face, it appeared his little brother hadn't had the greatest of days in dealing with his bomb. Sighing, he shook his head then said, “Sorry, bro. It can't have been fun on your end. I guess I didn't even think about that.” Shifting in his seat, tensing up slightly, he then said, “Have you decided anything about it?” That, honestly was something he wanted to know but was dreading at the same time. But he felt it was best to get it out there then deal with the fallout from it.

 

Shaking his head, Sam shrugged then said, “Honestly, Dean, I don't know. I'm confused by the whole thing and not sure what to make of any of it! But the one thing I have decided is I'm not going to vanish on you. I'll be here and come back with you when the time is right for that. I'm not going to let this drive me away. Beyond that... I don't know what I'm going to do or what to feel on the topic. I need more time to sort through things. Can you accept that?”

 

Nodding vigorously, Dean replied, “I can, Sammy! Don't worry about that.” That was a huge relief. Though Sammy had said that last night, he was heartened to hear him say it again. The other part, well, he was just going to have to do some work to get what he wanted was all. A little hard work for something didn't put his nose out of joint in the least. Especially when it came to something he wanted as bad as this. He was just going to have to bide his time, to give Sammy some breathing room while he worked things out on his end. That, too, was something that he could do. He would give his little brother all the breathing room he needed and gauge the reaction then work towards it slowly.

 

Glancing up at the screen, seeing Dean's open but concerned look, Sam sighed and shook his head once more. “Look, can we leave that alone for tonight, dude? I need time to come to terms with it, alright? Can we move onto something else?”

 

Dean felt relieved. He wasn't relishing the huge ass drama filled episode that was coming when Sam did want to talk about it so he was all for putting it off. Changing gears, he said, “I talked to Bobby today about this whole mess and Ruby.”

 

That, for Sam,was a perfect out for him. Nodding, he grabbed his notes about what Bobby wanted him to look into then asked, opening a document to work with, “There was something I wanted to ask you about that. What Cas said... the person that started it had to end it? Do you remember if that's how he put it?”

 

“It is, something like that. Might not be the exact wording but that since I started it, it was going to be up to me to end it. Why? You got something on that?” Dean asked, eyeing his brother intently.

 

Shaking his head, Sam made notations on the document then replied, distracted, “No, Dean, nothing on it but I think it means something and may be a tie-in with all that's going on. I just have to figure out what it is is all.”

 

Nodding, Dean told him, “Good! See what you can find then we'll work from there. I'm sure it's important or Cas wouldn't have mentioned it.”

 

Conversation now focused on something besides the awkward situation between the brothers made things smooth out and, soon, they were back to talking the way they had been before.

 

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Popping into the chapel above Lucifer's cage, Zachariah tread carefully, almost reverently, over the place the fallen arch-angel was imprisoned. In fact, he was fighting the urge to kneel and pay respects to his brother but didn't. Instead, he walked to the altar and waited, smiling as he looked around. Oh yes, plans were taking shape and the time that this was over was closer than most realized. Sure, there were still a couple hiccups to deal with but he was sure that he could take care of it before the time came where ducks had to be beak to tail.

 

He was staring around at what had to have been a beautiful chapel when it was in its glory days, when Zachariah felt the immense evil of the being he was meeting appear suddenly. Without turning around, he said, “We need to be quick about this, Asmodeus. I can't be gone too long or there will be questions.”

 

Avoiding the place on the floor directly over the cage, the half demon, half angel, bowed his head reverently to his lord then stepped up by the angel. Smoothing down his dapper, tailored suit, the handsome, blonde demon replied, regal tone weaving in and out of his slight French accent, “I know, I know. I just need a progress report. Earlier one of your kind was here, Castiel is his name I do believe. Isn't he the one that is assigned to Dean Winchester?”

 

Facing the attractive son of Lilith, looking up at him for he towered over the average sized vessel Zachariah inhabited at almost 6'8”, looking very much like some Norse god, he nodded, “Yes, Castiel is Dean's handler right now. He's nothing to worry about.”

 

Giving a mirthless chuckle, Asmodeus shook his head, “You may say that but, until Lucifer is free, everyone involved in this is a problem.” Face taking on a slightly stony look, he said, “I want assurances that he's not close enough to the top that he might figure out what we're doing.” Eyeing the seraph*, he added, “Also, that Michael is buying all of this, that this is God's will.” Though his face hardened and eyes blazed at the name of the ultimate deity, Asmodeus didn't go on his normal rant about him.

 

Holding up a placating hand, the angel smiled then assured Asmodeus, “Trust me, Castiel will do as he's told. If there is any whiff that he might cause a problem, I'll yank him out. As for Michael... he's buying everything I'm saying. After all, why would he question a seraph? We have God's ear, after all.”

 

Nodding, the dandified demon then told him, “Good, keep it that way. Castiel showing up here raised all kinds of alarms. Even mother was concerned that an angel dare tread this place. I don't want that kind of ripple happening again. Nervous hellspawn get twitchy and do odd things. This needs to run smoothly for us to come out on top, angel!”

 

“I will make sure, trust me,” Zachariah soothed. “I talked to Castiel yesterday about all of it. I'm confident he will do as he's told like a good angel.”

 

“See to it. We don't need a rogue angel throwing cogs into the machinery at this juncture. We are too close.” Switching tracks, the handsome demon asked, “What is going on with Dean? And the hunt for Sam? Those two are needed, now more than ever. We can't have one MIA and the other throwing a tantrum.”

 

“I've sent Castiel to work with Dean and put his head on straight. Dean is talking to Sam so part of the orders are to get Sam back where he belongs or get Dean to find his location. Once that happens, we can get things back on track.”

 

Nodding, Asmodeus sighed and shook his head, “I don't like working with humans. You should let me do things my way. This would be over and done with by now if we did it that way.”

 

“I know and it would be easier,” the angel conceded. “But, this way, both of us are covered if something unforeseen happens or your mother catches on to your plans. Just give it time, Asmodeus! It'll all work out in the end. If I have problems with my end, I'll contact you and we can work it out from there.”

 

Nodding once more, Asmodeus then said, “We need to go. Meeting like this is dangerous. Make sure your end is taken care of and I'll have everything set up on mine.” When he saw the seraph nod, he then vanished back to the bordello he was running off the coast of Italy.

 

Smiling angelically, Zachariah looked around then whispered, “Soon, Lucifer. Soon you'll be free.” Before vanishing back to the home he was inhabiting in California.

 

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Sitting at his computer, Chuck Shurley took a long pull off his bottle of whiskey then stared, intently, at the words he had just written. A small smile on his face, he nodded, pleased, at what he was seeing. It was coming together well! Better than anything before it. Downing more of the amber liquid, he set the bottle aside before starting to tap the keys again. Eyes glued to the screen as the words formed on it, he mumbled, “Come on Sam, you need to work with me here. Dean was easy but you're giving me fits! I know it's hard but I need you two together again and all this to come to an end. Just give it a chance, think it over then do what is right! You know what you want, just admit it to yourself!”

 

Feeling those words start to flow a little better, he nodded to himself and kept going. It was going to be a long night but he was sure that he would get it all worked out and going good before long.

 

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*In Dark Side of the Moon, Se5 Ep16, Zachariah said “In Heaven I have six wings and four faces, one of which is a lion.” Looking this up, I discovered it described a seraph, not a normal angel. So, rather than follow him being subservient like in canon, I’m going with this angle for the story.

 

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Please review! My plot bunnies want to snack on them!

 

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