Past, Present and Future

Later that night….

Cassidy was making up something to eat in the kitchen with Kaylee when she heard the announcement over the sound system, “Simon we would appreciate your services in the infirmary.” It was Zoes calm voice and Cassidy knew something was wrong. Jayne and Mal had been gone the better part of the day supposedly getting supplies but that feeling went through her again that someone she loved was in trouble and that man was likely Jayne waiting for Simon. Without a word she walked out of the kitchen and heard Kaylee following behind her.

Cassidy didn’t know she was running until she had to jerk to a stop at the door and found herself short of breath. Her worry had only grown in the time that she took to get there. Seeing Jayne on the table didn’t reassure her. She pushed past whoever was blocking the door and went to his side and took in the blood spilling onto the table from his leg. In a glance she knew it wasn’t fatal but approved of the way Simon was going about stitching it up. In cases like this, she was grateful for her medical education.

“Jayne you fool” she said as she handed Simon the tools he needed without waiting for him to ask for them.

“Hey now, it’s not like I asked to get hit.”

“Knowing you that’s probably exactly what you did”

“It was kinda close Jayne you gotta give her that.” At the sound of Mals voice Cassidy noticed for the first time the room crowded with crew and she grew furious at her worry over this man on the table and over their reticence, they were supposed to tell her what was going on. This involved her damn it!

“I would appreciate speaking to my husband in private.”

“I’m almost done,” Simon said as he reached for the disinfectant but Cassidy took it from his hands and said.

“I can finish, trust me I have plenty of experience dealing with his messes.” She gave him a look to help him understand that she was grateful but needed him to leave.

“Now wait a minute,” Mal began but was hushed when Kaylee reached out and grabbed his arm to pull him out of the room with the others and he gave in only when he realized that he could still watch the fireworks from the windows…and apparently the rest of the crew had the same idea.

Cassidy turned to her husband not caring that they could see just that they couldn’t hear. She began to rub the disinfectant into his calf for a whole minute before he spoke.

“You never cared for my wounds before.”

“Because you never let me.”

“Well if you’re going to yell at me you might as well get it over with. I’ve heard it all before about how I need to take care of myself blah…” he trailed off when he noticed the glassiness of her eyes and learned to shut-up before he made it worse.

“You should have told me.” And when she noticed he was about to speak she covered his mouth with her fingers and continued, “for a long time I thought that I was in this alone…and then you came back into my life and I can’t live knowing that I’m causing the hurt of the only two people left that I can call family. I need to know what’s going on, Evan is my son too Jayne and I don’t appreciate being left out and left to wonder.”

While she was talking she had removed her fingers from his mouth and he was thankful for one less distraction so he could speak. She was already driving him crazy the way she was touching his leg, he didn’t need more stimulus, “It’s my job to protect you, not the other way around.”

“I’m the one….my god Jayne what have you done to this leg?” He looked down and noticed that she had found the scars from his other wounds.

“Leg seems to attract bullets, harpoons, and knives all the time.”

“You’re lucky it still supports you.” She was in doctor mode and he knew it as she pulled his leg over and started tearing his pants even more to see more of the injures done to him. She was completely unaware of what she was doing to him. Hell she was getting into dangerous territory there and didn’t even know it, but Jayne did. She was sitting far too close to his privates and her hands had already reached high on his thigh before, with a groan, he had to reluctantly pull her hand away. Hell when did he become such a gentlemen. Only then did she realize what she was probably doing to him and her face turned crimson. “I’m sorry.”

“Gorram it don’t apologize!”

Jayne was avoiding looking at her and while she was still mad at him she wanted answers not avoidance. She took a moment to finish wrapping up his leg but had to add one more thing, “you do need to take care of yourself.”

“Man in my work isn’t meant to live long anyways.” What a thing to tell her and he knew it the second the words were out of his mouth.

“You think you have to remind me of the reality of death?” She didn’t let him respond, “you were there Jayne, you were the only other person that was there that survived to see another day. I know lives can be cut short and I’ll be damned if I ever stop caring about them being cut too short.” She paused to pull her thoughts together, “when you’re gone how will I find Evan?”

Well if that wasn’t a confounding thought, “you weren’t after finding my help anyways, you wanted Mal’s!”

“I went after a captain I was told would get the job done! I wanted one thing to stay safe and out of my poisoned life. There was no way in hell they were going to take you as well! I didn’t know where you were anyways and I wanted it to stay that way.”

His mind zeroed in on one statement, “your life isn’t poison Cassidy.”

“Really?” she almost laughed as she looked straight into his eyes, “I saw my family murdered in front of my eyes, every single person I ever cared for! Then when I only have Evan left he is taken and lives what no other child should. Everyone in my life has been destroyed or is being threatened too and yet here I am, free to poison this whole crew if they let me.” She hated to cry, especially in front of Jayne who she had always hid it from but she couldn’t stop the tears coursing down her checks through the whole of her speech. Jayne hadn’t released her hand but she pulled it away from him and he used it now to pull her to him and wrap his arms around her. It felt so natural but he felt so inept and unable to do anything to help her. He looked past her head and noticed that somewhere alone the course of their discussion the rest of the crew had decided they deserved privacy, but now he wished someone were here to tell him what to do.

It ripped his chest open to see her cry so he held her to his chest trying to calm her, “you could have called me for help, any of the waste station contacts knew where I was, I left word…you could have contacted me in a second.”

“You?” She pulled away from him in exasperation, “if you wanted or cared about finding us all you had to do was look and we were there.”

“I didn’t think you wanted to be found! I thought you had left me! ”

“And you let me go…” he was silent, he knew all the wrongs he had committed but it was getting harder and harder to face them all and here she was speaking them outright, “You didn’t come Jayne, I waited and you didn’t come.” Cassidy was ashamed to admit it but she had hoped beyond hope that he would discover something was wrong or come after her despite everything…but he hadn’t and it had broken her heart.

“You asked me why I would risk myself this way,” he said as he gestured towards his leg, “I never thought you were in danger, I thought you were trying to escape me. It eats me up something fierce knowing that I broke the one promise I made to you Cass, I couldn’t protect you when you needed me to and I’m doing a pathetic job of trying to make up for that. I know I have no right to ask for your forgiveness or to even hope that I ever deserve it but we’ve both made a mess out of this situation and well…well dammit I know I ain’t no hero from no storybook but I’m trying!”

Cassidy was astonished to say the least. She had no idea that he had blamed himself so much for what happened to them even though she was just as much to blame…if not more so.

“It wasn’t your fault, I was so angry at forcing Evan and I on you that I only focused on how to live without you always being there. I realized how much of an idiot I was when I found myself wishing for you to come even though I spent the whole time with you pushing you away.” She had to pause to collect herself, “I couldn’t find the strength to tell Evan though. He kept saying that Daddy would come and I didn’t have the heart to tell him that you probably wouldn’t…all because of me.”

There was the burning sensation in his chest again when she mentioned Evan and he had to speak his piece, “Just thinking about what they did to you puts me in a murdering mood, I want to kill someone” he left out the part of that someone mostly being him, “I wasn’t there but I’ll be damned if I don’t fight now. You’ll probably be fixing a lot more injuries but I hope to cause plenty as well. I don’t want you believing I wouldn’t have come in a second if I knew, hell I would have fought the world.”

“I know….but I couldn’t, even now I hate to involve you, there’s been so much blood spilled…”

“My family is involved ‘course I’m involved.” Cassidy couldn’t help to feel the corners of her mouth lift, she knew that he wouldn’t rest until Evan was safe and she was beyond reassured…and grateful, but she had no idea how to let him know that. She hadn’t realized until then how much she wanted to hear him say that they were still a family…despite everything.

“I really am grateful for the help.”

Here she was again acting like he had a choice in the matter, but of course he didn’t say that out loud, it would probably make her feel more guilty. He didn’t call himself an expert on women but he knew Cass and he didn’t want to make a bad situation worse. There was still one thing that he had to know, “is he really alright Cassidy?”

She looked straight into his drop dead baby blues and told him all she knew even though it would probably kill them both to put it into words, “I know that he wasn’t physically harmed when I was forced out, I focused their aggression…elsewhere. I know he wasn’t completely untouched by seeing me in the state I was in but I hid the worst from him. He’s still young after all…” She took a deep breath and continued, “Before I left I made a deal to guarantee his safety.” As much as Jayne wanted, needed to know details about that he let it slide without questions…for now. “I’m sure that if we can just get him back he will be fine…you know Evan he can bounce back from anything.”

“What about his mom?”

She couldn’t avoid the look in his eyes but it tore into her so much that she couldn’t hold it for long and had to look away when she answered, “its takes time for all wounds to heal.”

“You didn’t tell the doctor everything.”

“No, nor do I intend to, my wounds will heal just like yours have. You forget, I was studying to be a nurse…” ‘Before’ was the word left unsaid, everything good was from ‘before.’ Jayne didn’t tell her that he meant the wounds inside because he already knew the answer: there would be no conventional healing for those wounds.

All the things left unsaid.

Cassidy knew what had happened to her while they were apart but she was curious as to what he did after they were separated, “What did you do Jayne?”

He didn’t like the change in subject but decided to amuse her, she had answered their questions after all, “I found work. I only stayed in the house a few more days and then left contacts for you to find me if needed and left. I was in some pretty rough crowds before Mal bought me off.”

“You always were a good shot.”

“yah well…I had no reason to stay in one place…Mal kinda…well when he came along I was holding him at gunpoint and well he kinda reminded me of Bryant.”

Cassidy smiled, “you two always did like to hold each other at gunpoint…I miss him, I miss all of them but at times like these I always could turn to him…”

“yah…well I know I ain’t Bryant, Cass but there’s still me and I’m not going to leave you hanging.”

It was times like that with his simple words that squeezed her heart just so. She reached over and grabbed his hand that always seemed to swallow hers up, “I know, thank you Jayne.”

When he squeezed her hand in response she gained the courage to ask one last question, “why did you never kiss them on the lips?” The question came out of nowhere but for some reason she needed to know.

Taken aback, it took Jayne a minute to realize what her and Inara must have been talking about while they were gone and it wasn’t a pretty thought. He looked down at their clasped hands and wondered why he felt quilty, there was no reason to, but it wasn’t exactly a topic men discussed with their wife. Quietly he asked, “why does it matter?”

“Well obviously it does to you to make an issue of it so I was curious, I mean of all things to hold back on…”

“It didn’t feel right,” Jayne interrupted. “You know I didn’t take any other women when we were together!”

“I know, it was unnecessary but I did appreciate it.”

“They were only for sex, not for loving. Kissing confuses things.” Jayne thought he was making perfect sense but it wasn’t as clear to Cassidy.

“So why did you kiss me that night at the fair?”

Defensive Jayne had just about enough of this conversation, “why did you kiss back!?”

Cassidy looked to her lap and brought the memory to surface that she had never let go. Evan was running through the field and Cassidy, as always, was watching over him. She knew she had a habit of being over-protective but after all that had happened she couldn’t help it. Of course, she felt better since Jayne was also watching over the two of them. Their small town was having a celebration since a young couple was being married and they had gone to give Evan a fun night out. Different men had asked Cassidy to dance and she had after making sure Evan was safe. It was wonderful to let go once in awhile.

Jayne, with Evan perched on his shoulder, watched his beautiful wife be swept across the dance floor by a man who, under different circumstances, could have been her husband. He didn’t dance and he didn’t want to stop Cassidy from it, but he didn’t like how this man thought he could hold another mans wife that close! Just as he was about to step in Cassidy politely pulled away and claimed she was too tired to continue and came back to her families side. Jayne noticed the young bucks watching her walk over to him and to prove his point he put his arm around her shoulder and hauled her against his side. Cassidy was pleased since that also meant that the women trying to catch Jaynes eye would also be put off.

Evan was in the midst of climbing down his back when he asked if he could play in the hay pile with the other kids. Cassidy remembered saying, “of course” and feeling Jayne grab her hand to pull her onto the dance floor at the same time. She was shocked silent by his actions.

“How does one go about doing this?” He asked looking embarrassed and lost as he watched other couples and placed his hands where he thought they should go.

Jayne remembered that she didn’t answer and when he looked down at her her smile was radiant, and he no longer cared if he made a fool of himself, he felt pleased that he could do something so small to make her that happy. Cassidy put her arms around her husband and gently guided him to the music. It was a soft tune that Cassidy would never forget and even hummed to herself sometimes. It was her best memory. While they danced, Jayne noticed the same touchy man walking over to cut in but didn’t care. He just wanted her to continue looking at him the way she was and before he could stop himself he bent his head down and kissed her. It might have been to prove another point to any men watching and it might not have been, but it didn’t matter.

His kiss was a lot gentler than she would have ever imagined, the second his lips touched hers she felt it right down to her toes which had to be the only reason she moved to stand on them to allow for better reach. She wasn’t ashamed to say that it felt like heaven. How could a man who was so hard and strong everywhere have lips that were so soft and inviting. Jayne was wondering where on earth she learned to kiss like that and that if he didn’t stop soon there would be no going back. Who knows where it would have led since Evan chose that time to decide he also wanted to dance with mommy and daddy.

Pulling out of her memory Cassidy looked at the man now sitting so close to her. It was quite literally the next night that Cassidy had been taken and that’s when their feelings for each other took a turn for the worse. Jayne thought he pushed too hard for something she didn’t want and she left because of it. Cassidy thought he didn’t care enough to come after her. Now, here they are in the mess they made for themselves…it’s amazing how some things turn out. “I guess we’ll never know” Cassidy replied, and, with that, she walked out.