Path of Forgiveness

CHAPTER TEN - SOUL(MATE) SEARCHING

Xena turned to look at me, and touched my face in worry. “Are you okay?” Here eyes searched mine, wondering what had happened, and possibly if he managed to turn me back into Livia.

I let out a long breath I didn’t know I had been holding. “I’m fine,” I said. Suddenly I became increasingly aware that my legs were starting to give out from under me. “I just... I think I need to sit down.”

I collapsed after the words were spoken, but Mother caught me in her arms. She carried me to my cot and laid me down, putting a hand to my forehead, then my cheek. “Are you sure your okay?” She asked, her voice full of worry.

I closed my eyes for a second and stayed silent. Memories were still rushing through my head. I was remembering my time as a child when I was sent away to study in the Provinces. The chambermaid who used to come in and clean my room... her name was Lydia. For some reason I had a flash of us speaking. It was nothing important, mind you. Just chit chat as she tidied up my room. My first friend, I remembered now.

“Eve?”

I could hear my mother’s voice, but it was distant now. I seemed to be in some sort of fog as my life played out in front of my eyes. There was Augustus, standing before me as I rode back into Rome, back from my teaching in the Provinces. He smiled and took my hand, and I remembered the first moment I had the plan to con him into marrying me so I could rule the Empire one day.

I felt the cot move, and I think my Mother got up. I wasn’t sure. There was another memory coming, this time of the first time I met Ares. I was in his temple, praying to him. It seems silly now, to pray to him. But I was about to invade a neighboring country, and I wanted his blessing. He came to me, and told me he had been watching me, that I had gained his favor, and that he could see great potential in me.

A different memory now, one that there could be no way I could ever remember, yet I did. I was just a baby, and Mother had me in her arms, and she was talking to me. Telling me that we were going to get through this, and that nothing was ever going to harm me, not even the Gods.

I could hear voices again in the distance, Mother’s voice was now joined with Gabrielle’s. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her, she won’t move.” Mother’s voice was heavy with concern and worry, and I wished that I could just tell her that I was okay, but my lips wouldn’t move.

“What happened?” I heard Gabrielle ask.

“After Ares left, she just collapsed. Can you get the Amazon Healer?”

The sound of their voices dulled as I slipped into another memory. Me and my troops were marching on the Amazon Nation, and I spotted Varia. I did not know who she was then, but I can recognize her now. I saw her and her sister scouting, and I remembered telling my men to surround the village, as I was sure that they would be forewarned and we needed the slaves and couldn’t afford to screw this up. Then it flashed to the battle in almost an instant, and I caught Varia’s eyes looking at me in such fascination, awe, and fear.

“She is in a semi conscious state,” I heard a voice say through the fog. The Healer, no doubt. “She can probably hear everything we’re saying, though can’t move or respond. She’s dreaming, and until she gets through the dreams to the other side she will not awaken. Watch over her, make sure she is not moved nor touched, otherwise she could be stuck in this state forever.”

There was Varia again, when we came to the Amazon Village the first time. Her eyes caught mine, and I could clearly remember now the burning sensation in my stomach I’ve come to recognize as desire. She looked me up and down, as if deciding what to make of me, and then I caught a small twitch of her lips as they dared to curl up in a small smile. She realized I was okay. How wrong she turned out to be.

It flashed almost instantly to me holding Varia when she cried after realizing that following Ares was going to lead to nothing worthwhile. I wrapped my arms around her, and there wasn’t even a sign of hesitation as she wrapped hers around me and held on tightly as she cried on my shoulder. I had never noticed that before.

They kept on like this for quite some time, memories of every kind of relationship I had ever had in my life, but all leading back to Varia. I didn’t understand it, was I supposed to learn something from all of this?

Then there was a different flash, much different. Varia was on top of me, and her lips were crushed against mine. My hands were tangled in her hair, and our naked skin rubbed against each other as we let out ragged gasps. My hand shot out to slam against the side of a hut wall as I moaned out Varia’s name loudly as her fingers found her way into me....

I sat straight up in the cot I was in, covered in sweat as I let out a large gasp. My breathing was heavy and I looked around the room, trying to figure out where I was. Mother and Gabrielle were out of their chairs that they were sitting in across the other side, and looked at me in concern. Varia was standing near the door, staring at me in a mixture of relief that I was awake but worry as to how I woke up.

I took in as many lung fulls of air as I could manage before trying to speak. No one moved, they just looked at me.

“I...” I started, but couldn’t finish. I took another breath and leaned against the side of the hut wall on my bed to steady myself. “I... remember....”

Everyone looked at each other, and then back at me. It was Mother who spoke first, and she tentatively came closer. “You remember... everything?”

My breathing was still heavy, and I tried not to look at Varia. Places were burning with desire that shouldn’t be in that moment as the last scene played over in my head. I tried to push it out of my thoughts, I could deal with it later. I nodded, “Everything....”

Mother came over to sit next to me on the bed, and looked at me for a minute before wrapping her arms around me. I held her tightly, finally appreciating how good it feels to be in my mother’s arms and to remember her.

When she let me go, she looked me in the eyes as Gabrielle came over to stand by us. “We were worried about you when you fell into that state you were in,” she said. “What happened?”

“When Ares kissed me, things started to come rushing back. Small pieces at first, then I got lightheaded and I guess I fell... then bigger chunks started to come back, until I remembered everything.” I shuddered, reliving my past was something I didn’t enjoy doing that much. Mother took the blanket from my cot and wrapped it around me.

“But what woke you up?” Mother asked me. “You practically jumped out of your own skin.”

My face burned red, and I looked down. I had to lie, I couldn’t tell them, and especially when Varia was still standing by the door, looking at me.

“I... I remembered...” I tried to think of something fast as I looked up at them, “Being awakened to be the Messenger of Eli.”

Gabrielle looked at me skeptically, and I turned my face back down to the floor as my face burned even hotter. She knew, I know she knows. I don’t know how she knows, but she always knows.

Mother, however, and Varia seemed to be convinced. Mother took me in a hug and ruffled my hair a little as I giggled, “Just glad to have you back, kiddo.”

I nodded and then got the guts to look at Varia. She gave me a small smile and said, “Yeah, glad to have you back.” Then she gave Xena a slight nod out of respect to leave us alone, and left the hut.

“Xena,” Gabrielle said, turning to Mother. “Do you mind if I talk to Eve alone for a minute?”

Mother looked at her quizzically, but nodded. “Sure, just don’t keep her up. She probably needs some rest.” She looked back at me and gave me another hug. “Don’t ever lose your memory on me like that again,” she said with a joking smile.

“I’ll try not to, promise,” I said, and smiled. Mother got up and left the hut, leaving me and Gabrielle alone. I tried to look everywhere but into her eyes. I knew what she was going to say before it even left her lips.

“Eve, what really woke you up?” She asked as she sat next to me on the cot and held my hand.

I didn’t speak, I was too embarrassed to tell her. She’s like another mother to me, and these things were not meant to be talked about with your parents.

She looked at me for a long while, “Why won’t you tell me?”

“It’s embarrassing,” I mumbled as I tried to hide my face in the blanket that was wrapped around me

Gabrielle gave a slight chuckle, “Oh, one of those kinds of memories.”

I sighed before taking off the blanket and turning to look at her, “But that’s the thing, Gabrielle. It wasn’t a memory at all. It has never happened.”

Gabrielle’s eyebrows knitted in confusement, “But you were in a dream state with nothing but memories of your past, right?”

I nodded and leaned my head against the wall, “That’s what’s so confusing.”

“A prophecy, maybe?”

I shot my head to look at her so fast I cracked my neck, “No, I don’t think so. This could never happen.”

Gabrielle squeezed my hand and then let go of it as she got up and started pacing around the room. “Let me take a guess at what happened.”

I sighed, “Sure.”

Still pacing, and obviously thinking, she started, “The memories you had in larger sequences were of a specific genre. Judging by your last... scene, I suppose... they probably had to do with either your sexual relationships or just your relationships in general. Am I right?”

“Relationships in general, I even remembered Mother singing to me as a baby.”

Gabrielle nodded as she paced, still lost in her thoughts. “All the memories you had were leading up to that last one, trying to show you something. I can’t figure out what it is for you, since I did not experience them myself, but I think you have the general idea, correct?”

I stayed silent for a minute and thought. “I guess they were all the different kinds I had with people. Each one was specifically different.”

“And the last,” she continued, “Was something you have yet to experience, intimacy with love.”

I choked as she said the L word. “What?”

Gabrielle smiled as she stopped pacing to stand over me. “Love, Eve. As Eli’s Messenger I would think you would understand the term.”

“I understand the term,” I shot back, suddenly defensive. “But I don’t love Varia!”

There was dead silence as I realized what I let slip, and I pursed my lips together and closed my eyes, wishing that time would reverse itself.

There was a hand on my shoulder, and I opened my eyes. Gabrielle looked at me and said very seriously, “Yes, you do.”

“I...”

Gabrielle sat back down next to me and put a hand over my lips to prevent me from speaking and said, “Eve, I’ve noticed it since you two first met, or should I say, re-met each other. It’s as plain as day to me. No, you two are not the most logical match in the world, but you can’t plan who your soulmate is. I sure didn’t plan for Xena to be mine, nor did I know it that day I met her in Potedia. But it happened, just as this did for you.”

I raised an eyebrow, trying to turn the tables on her so I didn’t feel so raw and exposed. “So your in love with Mother, then?”

It didn’t work. Instead of being caught off guard at the truth and trying to cover it up, she spoke very matter-of-fact like. “Yes,” she told me. “And Xena is in love with me. But your mother isn’t ready yet, so I wait. As you must do with Varia. Though I have to admit that she’s warming to your more quickly then Xena is for me, and I’m slightly envious. I’m going to have to do something to move it a little faster along.” She laughed a little.

I shook my head, trying to dismiss it all and trying hard as hell to find a way to prove her wrong. “How do you know that she’s my soulmate, and not just another... passing affection?”

“I can see it. But you... you Eve, can feel it, if you open yourself up to it. Close your eyes, and focus on her, tell me what you feel.”

I looked at her skeptically but did what I was told. I focused on Varia, and thought of nothing but her. Suddenly I felt a heat that was coming from right outside of the hut.

I gasped and whispered, “She’s right outside of here.”

Gabrielle smirked, “So is Xena, they are both listening to every word we say.”

I felt my chest close up and I didn’t think I could be able to breath. Varia heard... everything? I let out my breath, and it was becoming ragged again. I think I was having another panic attack.

“Calm down,” Gabrielle said as she put her hand on my shoulder. “I told you I needed to do something to move mine and Xena’s relationship a little faster, and this was it. I happened to help you and Varia move yours faster as well. The one thing about the two of them, they can’t help their curiosity.”

Gabrielle arose and opened the door to the hut, to see Xena and Varia standing there, their eyes wide and standing stiff as boards.

“Time for bed, Xena,” Gabrielle said very nonchalantly as she walked out of the hut, taking Mother’s hand in her own and dragging her to their own hut.

I was staring out the door at Varia, both of our eyes wide as saucers, neither of us daring to move. This was either going to be the beginning... or the end.

TBC....