An Unkindess of Ravens

Warnings and disclaimers: See chapter 1



A/N: I know I keep saying this story is ending but it just won't let me. Next chapter is the end. I swear!

It was the third time since the end of the school year that Nathan had been in these halls. The smell still sickened him and the buzz of activity left him feeling disjointed and out of place. This time was a little different though. Karen was actually talking to him, seeking his help. Her son had attempted suicide three times since the day he first told her about the attack. Three times since he’d been banned from Lucas’s life. This time she wasn’t yelling, ordering him out of her son’s room. This time she was crying in his arms. Begging him to help.



The last few months without Lucas, Nathan had felt like dying too, even though he knew their reasons were different. He held on to Karen Roe and promised her that he’d make things better for Lucas. His brother would receive another round of counseling and anti-depressant meds. At least now he was receiving counseling for the right reasons, although the rape was just one of things troubling Lucas.



“I can’t stay here,” was the first thing Lucas said when he saw Nathan.



“Lucas,” Nathan began. He was frightened by the implications of what his brother was saying.



“Not that,” Lucas assured. “I won’t leave like that.”



Nathan understood, even though he didn’t trust Lucas to keep his word.



“I can’t stay here, in this town.”



“I’ll go with you.” Nathan pleaded.



“You have school.”



“I have nothing if you go.” Nathan sat on the side of the bed wanting to touch Lucas but he didn’t.



“You mean you don’t trust me not to hurt myself if I leave,” Lucas answered bitterly.



“Can I Lucas? I can’t…”



“Live?” Lucas asked cynically.



Nathan hung his head. It was too tiring, trying to be contrite around Lucas, always begging for fleeting forgiveness.



“I’m going to live with Keith in Charlotte.” Lucas’s voice was blank.



“What about counseling and your meds?”



“They have doctor’s in Charlotte,” Lucas smirked.



“Things will be better for you there,” Nathan tried to convince himself.



“No, they won’t, but at least there won’t be all the reminders.”



“Can I come visit you?” Nathan knew he sounded desperate because he was.



“I need some time, okay?”



When he felt Lucas’s hand resting on top of his own, Nathan felt somewhat relieved.



“Okay,” his voice cracked. “If you need me…”



“I promise, I’ll call.”



Nathan knew he would. He’d called each time he tried to end his life. He’d told him under different circumstances maybe things could have been different between them. Nathan doubted it. He couldn’t see any scenario where he and his brother would have become lovers. Nathan didn’t talk about his feelings anymore. He knew they were just damaging his brother more. He came to a decision to let Lucas go.



The weeks leading up to Lucas’s departure, Nathan spent as much time with him as he possibly could. His daily routine centered around his brother. On days when Lucas went to therapy, Nathan drove him, waited for him and drove him back home. Things had gotten better between he and his supervisor at the pretzel stand, so Nathan managed his days off around Lucas’s schedule and worked longer hours when he knew Karen would be with him. Sometimes after a particularly grueling session, he and Lucas would just drive in silence for miles. Sometimes they’d sit in the car and talk about nothing and other times they’d talk about the one important thing they rarely discussed, their feelings for each other.



Lucas spent his last night in Tree Hill with Nathan after having dinner with his mother and saying goodbye to Haley and Skills. Haley knew his real reasons for going. Skills did not. He didn’t need anyone else blaming Nathan for something he’d had no control over or worst yet, exacting revenge on him. Months ago, after the rape, Lucas had thought about it. He’d contemplated gather Skills and Junk and the rest of his river court buddies and punishing Nathan, but now things were different. He’d come to that conclusion once and for all. What happened to him wasn’t Nathan’s fault. It didn’t make it any less harder to be near him.



They ate dinner silently and watched a comedy. Nathan always prescreened the movies, making sure there wasn’t any content that would make his brother uncomfortable. Once, he’d rented Cheaper By the Dozen. The brief scene where the eldest son got picked on by a jock sent Lucas into a depression. Since then, before Karen banned Lucas from seeing him, Nathan had gone through great lengths to keep that from happening again.



“I’ll call you as soon as I settle in,” Lucas said breaking the silence.



Nathan shook his head, half believing that he’d never hear from his brother again, or worst yet, it would be another one of those calls. Only this time, he’d be too far away to save him.



“When you’re ready, I’d like to come and visit you for a weekend.” Lucas’s hesitation made Nathan add, “When you’re ready.”



Neither one of them paid much attention to the movie. Nathan could feel his brother’s eyes on him. The tension was eating him alive. He almost didn’t hear his brother when he spoke.



“What?” Nathan asked.



Lucas looked fearful, like he might have said something he hadn’t meant to.



“I’m sorry,” Nathan said softly, “I didn’t hear you.”



“Nothing, never mind.”



“Lucas?”



“I said…can I kiss you?”



Nathan didn’t mean to hesitate. He was startled was all. He realized his mistake when his brother started withdrawing into himself. He recognized all the signs. Cautiously, he reached a hand out and stroked Lucas’s cheek.



“Of course you can.” Nathan turned to face Lucas, trying to make himself open to his brother and not threatening at the same time. He wasn’t sure if it was working.



It seemed like an eternity before Lucas moved closer, tentatively stroking a thumb against Nathan’s lips. He studied him like he was some complicated math problem to be solved before leaning in shyly, pulling away at first and then awkwardly kissing Nathan’s lips.



Of all the times Nathan had been kissed, this shy, clumsy kiss pressed lightly against his lips was the most exhilarating. He wanted to pull Lucas closer, devour the soft pink lips brushing against his own. He knew he couldn’t. He knew whatever was happening, he had to let Lucas be in control. The guilt of finally getting what he wanted was no less. He wondered when Lucas kissed him again, if he should put a stop to it. There didn’t seem to be a solution that wouldn’t end up hurting Lucas. For Nathan, it was a question of which would hurt him less.



Nathan wasn’t sure of the right answer and the selfish part of him wanted whatever Lucas was offering, even if it was only kisses. It turned out that was all that was offered. Lucas offered kisses on the sofa, against the wall leading to Nathan’s bedroom and finally laying half dressed in Nathan’s bed pressed against him. Nathan was pretty sure they’d fallen asleep kissing. Throughout it all, Nathan didn’t press for more. When morning came, Lucas was gone.



He got whatever news he could about Lucas from Karen. He ended up quitting his job in the mall and working with her. It was as if being close to Karen made him closer to Lucas. He supposed Karen felt the same. Nathan became a sort of substitute son for her. He didn’t see or hear from Lucas until their father died from a heart attack. Lucas and Keith drove back to Tree Hill for the funeral. At Nathan’s insistence, Lucas sat next to him with his mother and Keith at the services. While friends gathered at the house to pay their respects, Nathan and Lucas walked the grounds together.



“You look good,“ Nathan said, “except for the crazy hair cut.“



Lucas ran his hand over his close cropped hair and laughed. “Part of the new and improved me.“



Nathan looked at his brother searching for signs that he was better, that he was dealing with his rape and their last night together.



“So…uhm…how long are you staying?“ Nathan hoped the question didn’t make him sound desperate.



“Another day or two. Gotta get back to school. I run the school newspaper,” Lucas said with pride.



“That’s great.”



“I’m sorry.”



“For?” Nathan asked a bit confused by the sudden apology.



“For leaving without saying goodbye. I was scared. I know you wanted more. I just…I couldn’t give it to you.”



Nathan closed the gap between them hesitating to touch his brother until Lucas took his hand and caressed it against his face.



“Have dinner with me?” Nathan asked, searching his brother’s eyes for confirmation.



A smile followed by firm kiss against his mouth was Nathan’s answer. After making sure his mom would be okay and promising to check in on her the next morning, Nathan went home, cleaned his apartment and attempted to transform the leftovers in his fridge into a gourmet meal.



Lucas was a no show for dinner. When Nathan finally got up the courage to call Karen, he found out that Keith had decided to head back to Charlotte that night. Nathan wasn’t really surprised that Lucas had left without saying goodbye. He was however, pleasantly surprised by the hasty call from a rest stop an hour after he spoke to Karen.



“Nate, it’s me,” Lucas said hastily. “I’m sorry. Keith wanted to leave and…I…I didn’t know what to say. I should have called.”



As much as he wanted to be angry, he was too relieved to hear his brother’s voice. “It’s okay. I ordered pizza,” he lied, looking over at the elaborate meal he’d put together for his brother.



Lucas let out a sigh of relief.



“Hey Luke? Do you have your laptop?



“Yeah, why?”



“Maybe we could chat sometime,” he said hopefully. He could almost hear the smile in Lucas’s voice.



“I’d like that.”



“I’ll be staying at my mom’s for a while but I’m taking my computer with me.”



“Nate?”



“Yeah?”



“I’ve been keeping one of those journals. You know, the ones online. There’s something I’d like you to read.”



Nathan wasn’t sure he was ready to read his brother’s innermost thoughts but he took down the web address anyway.



“Keith’s coming. When you get a chance, read it and tell me what you think. I love you.”



Lucas had already disconnected before those last words sunk in. “I love you too,” he said to the dead line.