The Breaking Point

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Summary: Things can go downhill in a hurry.

A/N: Signing will be shown as: /*Calm down*/

Chapter 10: Holding On

By the time Sara got to Desert Palms, Gil had fallen asleep.

“Sorry, Sara. Griss really wanted to talk to you. He was totally wiped out. Told me to shut up.” Greg grinned when he told Sara that. “I know he is getting better, now. I’ll leave you two alone.” Greg smirked and winked as he left the room.

Sara looked up at the monitor. The monitor said temperature 100 degrees. She smiled. 'Should be all the way down tomorrow. I hope.' She looked closely at his face. There was a light sheen of sweat on his forehead. While he was still quite pale; that grey ashen pallor was definitely gone. There appeared to be bags under his eyes but not that sunken look from yesterday. 'Looks like a hundred percent improvement.' Sara could tell that the linens were fresh as was the hospital gown he was wearing.

Only a very light dressing was covering the wounds in his thigh. She notice what appeared to be three drains and an irrigation drip of antibiotics directly into the wounds. She fought the temptation to lift the dressing and examine the wounds. 'I don’t need to be upset by that sight. No, I won’t look.'

Sara settle for a kiss on Gil’s lips. Gil’s eyes opened. “Sara. Ice chips…” Sara noticed the ice chips on the bedside table along with styrofoam cups and plastic spoons. Sara fed him three chips and stopped when she saw he wanted to talk. “Sara I missed you. Greg wouldn’t stop talking. Thank you for the ice. Thank you for…” He closed his eyes and winced in pain.

“Gil, honey. What’s wrong?”

“Sara…nothing…” Tears formed at the corners of his eyes and ran down the sides of his face. “Nothing…is…wrong” He began to hyperventilate as the pain from his leg began to roll up his body. Sara reached over Gil’s body and punched the call button.
“Sara…please…go…please.”

“Gil?”

“PLEASE…SARA…PLEASE…shit…shit…GO!”

Sara wrapped her arms around her midsection as if she had been physically punched in the stomach. She slowly backed out of the room. When her back hit the door she turned grabbed the handle and flung the door open and ran. She ran down the hall, down the stairwell and out into the parking lot. She continued to run until she was several blocks away and too exhausted to continue. She fell in a heap and began to sob uncontrollably.

~~~

Dr. Carruthers came into Grissom’s hospital room to find him completely alone. 'This is odd. Where is everyone?' “Dr. Grissom you paged me? I’m glad you are awake now. I would like to check you over.”

“Dr. Carruthers when can I get out of here? Can I discharge myself?”

“Dr. Grissom we need to keep you here for a few days yet. You have just come through a crisis. Your incisions are fully healed. Shouldn’t we discuss this with Sara?”

“What happens is no longer her concern. Just tell me when I can leave. I want to go home. Give me a reasonable timetable. Now.” He said very bluntly.

“Ok. I’ll put the cards on the table. One, you still have a fever of 101 degrees. You won’t be discharged until it goes back to normal. Two, I have a protocol of meds prescribed that you will have to take. Three, you are currently undernourished. By my estimate you have lost more than thirty pounds. We will have to do tests to make sure your cardio-vascular system will stand the strain.”

“Dr. Grissom you are aware at how sick you have been over the past three weeks. Do you know how many times you could have died? Do you know how many people have worked to save your life to save your leg? Are you aware of the nonstop vigils by your bedside? Have you any idea of the suffering these people and most of all your Sara have gone through?”

Maxine had such a full head of steam she didn’t notice that Grissom had started hyperventilating again. His leg was so wracked by waves of pain he thought he would throw up. Gil arm knocked everything off the bedside stand. The crash of plastic cups, pitchers and metal trays followed by the louder crash of the stand itself startled Maxine into a momentary pause. Now she noticed Grissom’s agony and she noticed as several alarms from monitors began to go off.

'Crap. Blood pressure elevated close to 210/100. Pulse 110. Temperature 102.' “Dr. Grissom calm down.” The alarms had alerted the nurse at the station and she ran into the room. Maxine calmly asked for several medications. Within a few seconds several syringes were handed to Dr. Carruthers who injected them into Gil’s IV line. “Deep breaths Dr. Grissom. Deep breaths.” She smiled slightly as the levels began to return to their previous levels.

“Okay. Time for a little truth. What is bothering you right now?”

“I just want out. Now.”

Dr. Carruthers knew something was seriously wrong. 'Perhaps. I will arrange for that this afternoon.'


~~~~~~ Afternoon at Desert Palms ~~~~~~~~~

Captain Jim Brass hoped that Gil wasn’t asleep and that Sara had a chance to discuss the awards ceremony. Gil had never liked the limelight he just wanted to do his work, catch the criminals, race his cockroaches, do his experiments, do a seminar here and there and ride his beloved roller coasters.

Of course until the shootout a new priority had been added to that list, Sara. Everyone had been so happy that the assassination tango Gil and Sara had been dancing had finally culminated in the two finally becoming an item. God, he wanted this all to be over with so everyone could back to some kind of normal.

Jim knocked on the door of Gil’s room. “Go Away!” 'That’s Gil’s voice. He and Sara wouldn’t…not in the hospital would they?' “Get yourself decent Gil. I’m coming in.”

“I said go away!”

“Gil, where’s Sara?”

“Why? What has she to do with anything? Now go away before I call security!”

“Gil what’s gotten into you? Where is Sara? What did you say to her? What the hell’s going on?”

“Sara Sidle has nothing to do with anything any more. I don’t want her here. I don’t want you here. I don’t want anyone here. Now please go.”

Brass stepped closer to Gil’s bed and studied his friend closely. 'Has the fever affected his brain?' Now he noticed the new lines etched in his face, the subtle winces, and the catch in his breathing every now and then. 'Gil never acts like this unless he is in severe pain.' Jim remembered back to the Debbie Marlin case. That had been a bad one. The victim had looked so much like Sara that it was past weird and tipped over to the realm of unreal. The fact that in the end they had to let Dr. Lurie go had not helped matters. Gil had worked almost four shifts straight without rest or much to eat.

After leaving the interrogation room, Gil had suffered the mother of all migraines. Sara had heard his little speech and all the events of the past four days had come crashing down on him. He had retreated to his office. Jim began to worry when three hours past shift he noticed Gil’s Denali still in the parking lot. As he walked back to Gil’s office he heard the low moaning. He went in and found Gil with his head buried in his hands.

Gil had told him to get out and nearly clocked him with a thrown book. Then he had collapsed. Brass thought he had stroked out and called 911. Jim spent the next nine hours in the ER while the staff administered a potent cocktail of drugs to Gil for the most severe form of migraine.

He had driven a stupefied and drugged out Gil home with a bag of a new potent migraine prescription and doctor’s orders to stay home for at least a week. He only stayed three days. A week later Jim found a bottle of his favorite single malt scotch whiskey on his desk. It was Gil’s apology and thank you. Neither of them had mentioned it again.

'Can’t be another migraine. His leg. I’d better go see his doctor.' “Gil, I am going to get...”

“I said get the hell out.” Gil launched a bucket of ice chips at his head. Brass half expecting it ducked.

“I’ll be back.” Jim ducked again as a tumbler of ice water followed. A tirade of low muttered curses followed his exit.

~~~~~~~~~

Sara had finally cried herself out. 'Thank god I am in a fairly secluded place. How embarrassing. Shame on you. You knew it was coming. Gil was just falling into his old habits. He had doubts that anyone could want him. He felt old and vulnerable. He’s probably trying to protect you. Oh silly man. He is the man I want. He is the sexiest man in the lab. He is also compassionate, brainy, intuitive, funny (in private), romantic, incredibly handsome, wicked, stubborn… But he just can’t accept that people want to be his friend to be near him more than a few want to have crazy mad sex with him. I know I do. The first time in our relationship he pushes and I run away. Not any more…He pushes, I’ll push back.' She wiped her face with a small wipe she found in her pocket, took note of her surroundings, thought for a moment about the location of the hospital and turned and jogged back to Desert Palms.

~~~~~~~~~

Gil had pressed the button on his morphine drip for the fourth time in fifteen minutes. Nothing was working. He almost welcomed the thought of his fever coming back. He could not remember much of what happened the last week but he knew that the pain hadn’t been there. But it was here now. Deep in his musings he hadn’t heard the knock on his door.

“Hey Gil. You busy? Of course you aren’t.”

It was Ecklie. “What do you want, Conrad?”

“I need to go over the details of the awards ceremony next Monday.”

“Awards ceremony? What awards ceremony?”

“Brass was supposed to tell you. Well the department is giving you the Medal of Valor for the crime scene shootout. They consider what you did heroic. They didn’t pay attention to my input. I think you did it for Sidle.”

Gil focused intently now on what Conrad was saying. 'Is he hitting to close to the truth?' Gil thought. 'If Sara hadn’t been there would I have done it?'

“You’ll have to give a speech you know. Grissom are you listening to me? You have to give a speech.”

“Conrad get out. Get out now. “

“Look Grissom. We have to go over this. You don’t want to make a fool of yourself again do you?”

“A fool again…GET OUT NOW CONRAD!”

“Look…” but before Ecklie could say another word Gil flung the nutrient bag that was sitting on the bedside table. Conrad was not as athletic as Brass and got the bag full into his chest. A large ‘oof’ escaped from his lips. “Grissom you are going…”

“Get out Conrad! Be glad I didn’t throw the Foley bag!” Gil yelled at Conrad’s departing back. 'What have I done? Not very politic of me. Why isn’t this morphine working?' Gil’s head fell back onto his pillow. He would have pounded his fist on the bed if it didn’t jar his leg so much. 'What have I done?'

~~~~

Gil lay in the hospital bed. For the first time in days, he was awake, alone and coherent enough to string two thoughts together and seriously to think about his situation. Next week he was going to get a medal he didn’t deserve. His colleagues would be all over him. He had pushed Sara away. He couldn’t sleep unless drugged. He hadn’t any food by mouth for a long time not that he was hungry. He lived in a constant haze of pain. He had a fight with Jim. He had a blowup with Ecklie who was out to push out of the lab no matter what. He didn’t know if he would ever walk normally again. He felt sure he wouldn’t work again at least not in the lab.

All he saw ahead of him was a long dark corridor which he might be able to hobble down at some point in the future. He could only keep the pain in his body at bay for a few minutes at a time. It was all so exhausting. I wish I had died. I don’t want to drag myself around like this. A crippled lonely old man sitting by himself on some porch in some forgotten neighborhood. No Sara, no work, no Sara, no friends, no Sara, nothing to do, nothing but this horrible excruciating pain. No life. That sounded more appealing the more he repeated it. Not to live it but to do it. No life.

~~~~

“Dr. Carruthers. DR. CARRUTHERS.”

“Captain Brass, right?”

“Yes. I need to talk to you about your patient, Dr. Grissom”

“Let’s go into this conference room.”

“Dr. Carruthers…”

“Call me Max.”

“Ok Max. I know you don’t your patient as well as I do. He has been my friend for more than fifteen years. I have been through the mill with him. I’ve seen him mad, happy, drunk, sad, almost broken and enraged and I have seen him almost every day since we first met. And I have seen him in severe pain. I know how he acts and Max Gil is not only in severe pain he is in chronic debilitating pain. I think he has been in pain for weeks now.”

“I guess I was so glad to see him alive with all his body parts intact that I didn’t think past that. I’m worried. Gil tends to close himself off and push people away when he is sick or dealing with a personal problem. He hates to be fussed over. He doesn’t like to be a bother to anyone. He takes too much blame and too many burdens on himself. The problem is to get him to admit he has a problem of any kind or accept help. I bet he’s already asked to leave the hospital;” Maxine nodded her head in affirmation. “Thought so. I need to find Sara. We have to get together and figure out a plan. How to help a socially dysfunctional bugman in spite of himself. I will be talking to you later. Good-bye.” And Brass rushed out of the room and out of the hospital.

'I think I’ll call my brother. I need more information.' Dr. Max walked out of the room, too.

~~~~~~~

As Jim Brass was going down the stairs to the parking garage he almost ran over Sara Sidle running up the same set of stairs.

“Sara!” Jim exclaimed as he put his hands forward to prevent her falling forward. “We have to stop meeting like this.”

“Brass! I was taking a break…”

“Sure Sara. Look I had a fight with him too. Did he throw something at you?”

“No…Gil yelled. But he didn’t throw anything…I ran away. The one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do. I ran away.”

“Sara…I think you are expecting too much of Gil. He can’t change overnight. He’s still Grissom. And now we have some more complications. I am glad you came back. He needs all of us now. Sara let’s get some coffee. Come on.”

“But Gil…Grissom”

“Isn’t going to do anything right now. We need to make some plans after I tell you what I’ve discovered.”

~~~~ Ecklie’s Office – CSI Lab ~~~~

'I will pay him back. I know I’m right. He’s no hero. What can I do? Let me see.' Ecklie started leafing through the Lab’s Human Resources manual. 'Shit. Nothing in here. Wait a minute. Continuing Education Requirements. CSI Level I…CSI Level II…Ah CSI Level III. “CSI Level III… required…take 16 CEU per year to maintain proficiency and grade.” Let me see Grissom…Shit 36 CEUs…Sara Side 12 CEUs. That is it. Fiscal year ends in about a month. She will have to go to the next available class or she will be demoted…Excellent. This is great. How will the Great Dr. Gilbert Aaron Grissom cope without his lady fair?'

Lab personnel passing by AD Conrad Ecklie’s office heard unwholesome laughter coming from inside. They hurried quickly away; not wanting to be caught anywhere near Ecklie when he lowered the boom on some poor soul.

~~~~ Joe’s All Night Diner ~~~~

Sara Sidle and Jim Brass sat in a booth in the back of Joe’s. The food was plentiful and plain. The coffee was excellent and usually the diner was full of cops going on and off duty; but tonight it was pretty quiet. They each had a large cup of black coffee and a slice of apple pie.

“Brass, this coffee is great. I love the pie.”

“Well this is where the cops hang out. I didn’t want to run into anyone from the Lab. Sara I think Griss is in a lot of pain. I talked to his doctor; some pain is normal but based on his behaviour I would say what he is suffering is abnormal. He’s at the max medication level for his morphine drip. Anything stronger and he will be comatose most of the time. She said the nerves were probably damaged by the original trauma and the two infections. Dr. Carruthers said an operation might help but could impair his ability to walk. She also said that it might resolve itself within the year. Her assessment of his probable level of pain based on observation on a scale of 0 to 100 was probably 112 – in layman’s terms in the realm of terminal bone cancer or pancreatic cancer.”

Sara had raised her cup to her lips but put it down quickly. “Oh my god…Gil” She whispered. “Brass what can we do?”

“I’m not sure Sara. I wanted to make sure you were okay with bringing in Warrick, Greg, Cath and Nick on this. Maybe we can put our heads together and come up with a plan. Sara Do you think he would do something…desperate? I had a friend, a cop back in Jersey. He suffered from chronic pain in his stomach after he was shot by a perp. He suffered in agony for almost a year. Finally had to take early retirement. The day after he left he ate his service revolver. Do you think…would Gil?”

“Oh Brass…I don’t know we’ve only been together a little while. We were just learning things about each other…I don’t know. He has always said the lab is his life. I know he’s not an athlete but he likes to be active. He loves doing those seminars and teaching and cockroach racing and field work…'He’s afraid of being weak and crippled and unlovable…that’s why he pushed me away. He’s afraid I’ll reject him too…'oh Brass…”

“Sara he would wouldn’t he…if he thinks he’s loosing everything…What would Gil do?”

Jim was holding Sara’s hands now. “Sara…we will find a solution.” Before they could continue, Sara’s pager went off.

“Oh…damn. Ecklie. Give me a minute Brass…” Sara dialed Ecklie’s work number on her cell. “Hello, Ecklie. What can I do for you? I am off for the next month. Carvello approved it.”

“That is what is so good about this, Ms Sidle. I was just checking to make sure everyone is up-to-date on fulfilling job requirements before the fiscal year ends. I noticed you are four CEUs shy of your required minimum educational requirements to maintain your grade…so I took the liberty of scheduling you to a seminar in New York that will fulfill your deficiency. You leave the day after tomorrow. You’ll be gone for four weeks. It works out just wonderfully doesn’t it? I left the information packet and your tickets, reservations, etc. at the front reception desk. I think you better go home and pack. Good luck.” Then Ecklie hung up. Sara was sure she heard a slight laugh.

Brass had watched as a look of despair and horror grow Sara’s face as her conversation with Ecklie progressed. “Sara…what’s wrong? Tell me.”

“I have to go away to New York for a month. Damn Ecklie. If I don’t go I will be demoted. Brass I can’t leave him for a month. Not now.”

A few moments before police officer Aron McCollum had come off shift for a cup of coffee and some apple pie. He was going to get a slice for his aunt when he overheard the last part of Sara’s and Brass’s conversation. “Capt. Brass, Ms. Sidle.”

“Officer McCollum. You were at the crime scene, yes?”

“That’s right Ms Sidle.”

“Call me Sara. After what we have been through we shouldn’t be so formal.”

“Force of habit ma’am. My Aunt Noreen would skin me if I forgot my manners. I couldn’t help but overhear your problem. If you are needing someone to help look after Dr. Grissom…I think my Aunt Noreen would do it gladly.” Aron couldn’t help slipping into the cadence of the ‘auld country now and again. His aunt’s influence he supposed.

“Well I thank you for your offer. But Gil I mean Dr. Grissom is somewhat of a particular…well let me say that he can be difficult when he is not feeling well and that’s with people he knows…”

“My aunt…Noreen is semi-retired. She’s a registered nurse. She’s was also supervisor worked in trauma and the surgical OR, pediatrics and oncology. She knows a lot more than a lot of doctors. And she doesn’t take any crap; pardon me Ms. Sidle, from anyone. Why don’t we arrange a meeting today between them and see what happens. If she agrees to help I assure you that Ecklie will be kept at bay and she will get your Dr. Grissom to get with the program. It’s a feeling I have. She’s that grateful to him you see. I’m her last living relative and…”

“Well Brass what do think? Can’t be any worse off? Look lets get the family together in what four hours? I see if I can arrange a meeting before then with Noreen McCollum and Griss. Come on Officer McCollum let’s go see your aunt.”

Brass liked this Sara. 'Present her a challenge and she will rise to it. Maybe things are looking up. This Noreen sounded like the ticket. Maybe someone Gil could fight with without scaring away. He hated to leave Cath in charge of Gil while Sara was gone. Her bullying of him could get brutal at times and Gil didn’t need that. He usually didn’t like to fight with Cath; in Gil’s present state he could easily destroy a friendship he will need later. Maybe this will work out. Maybe it will work. Better call the family.' Brass threw a twenty on the table and hurried off to make preparations. 'We will go to Gil’s house. That’s a good place to meet.'

~~~~ Desert Palms Hospital – Outside Grissom’s hospital room ~~~~

Sara was standing outside Gil’s hospital room with her was Noreen McCollum. “I want to thank you for coming. I am really worried about Dr. Grissom. I have to leave town for a month. I need someone to look…”

“Ms. Sidle you’ve said this all before. You’re stalling.” Noreen grabbed her arm… “Into the breech Sara”…and marched them both inside.

Gil was lying in the bed. He appeared to be asleep. At the sounds of approaching footsteps he state simply his voice rising as each word left his mouth. “I don’t want any visitors. Please leave.”

“Such a way of talking and to your sweetheart…Tsk…Tsk...Tsk. Dr. Grissom. I’m Noreen McCollum. You saved my nephew Aron’s life. Now Sara has something to say so be QUIET.”

Grissom was shocked into silence. “Gil I want you to be still and listen to what I have to say. Ecklie is sending me to a seminar for a month. He says I need to complete this year’s educational requirements to keep my current grade level. I checked; he’s right. I am leaving tomorrow. Noreen has agreed to take my place until then.”

“Sara I want to…” Gil interrupted

“Hush Dr. Gil Sara is speaking.”

“Gil you are going to go to that awards ceremony. You will give a speech. I don’t care why you do it; but do it. If for no other reason than to piss off Ecklie. You deserve the recognition. Noreen and the physical therapists are going to help you by getting you out of bed this afternoon. You’ve got two days to be able to stand for fifteen minutes without passing out.” Sara then hurried to his side. “Oh Gil. Don’t push me away. I love you. I will never reject you.” She kissed him first on his forehead. “I love you.” Then she kissed him on his lips. Slowly deeply with an intensity that mirrored the longing of the past few weeks. “I love you bugman.” The words were barely audible. Gil had only one free arm so he wrapped that around her back and pulled her down closer to his face. All his longing and anguish was returned as he deepened the kiss.

'Aih. They do love one another deeply. I have heard my nephew talk about this Ecklie. He is a bad one. Have no fears Sara. I will care for your Gil. He is so like my dear departed Robert. There’s a Scotsman in your background, Gilbert. Those blue eyes so like Robert’s. I bet he has the devil’s own temper when pushed too far. And the passion. He will wear you out Sara. There is passion and the ability to back it up. She laughed to herself.'

“Sara you need to pack. Dr. Grissom and I need to get better acquainted.”

“Goodbye honey. I will call. You better behave yourself. I’ll be back as soon as I can. Know that I love you. Be strong until I get home. Remember we love you. Remember I love you.” A final kiss and a sigh she left an apprehensive Grissom in her wake. He didn’t see the tears that began to cascade down her face after she walked through his door. She looked at her watch. She had to go to the lab and pick up her tickets; go home and pack; and then go to Gil’s townhouse for a meeting with the family. 'Better get started.' She sighed again and made her way out of the hospital.