Contempt of Council

Title: Contempt of Council
Series: TOS
Pairing: Sa/Am
Author: Selek
Feedback: Yes please, either to the newsgroup or to selek@powersurfr.com
Acknowledgements: I really want to thank T'Thrill and T'Lea for their wonderful betaing of this story. If it weren't for them, it would really suck.
Summary: This is set during ST: III and ST: IV. Sarek gets into trouble when he refuses to reveal the whereabouts of Kirk and his crew.

Part 1 - The Death

Spock was dead. Sarek glanced at the official stargram he held in his hand, then crumpled it viciously. Amanda's sobbing could be heard in the living room and he turned to comfort his wife. Her tears wet his robe, and Sarek could feel a lump in his throat threatening to burst free. His sight blurred, but he forced the wetness from his eyes. Vulcans do not cry, or so he had been taught. But he so wanted to at least let one drop fall. 'I am a Vulcan,' he firmly reminded himself. 'It is not our way.' He had never felt grief as profoundly as this, not even when his father, Skonn, died ten years ago. He shook his head and concentrated on soothing his distraught wife, rubbing her back and whispering into her ear.

The strident beeping jarred Sarek from the oasis of calm he was trying to create around himself and Amanda. The unit beeped again, and still he ignored it. Amanda was all that mattered to him right now. And Spock. Sarek felt the lump rise in his throat once more. Where was his control when he needed it? Spock...

When the unit sounded a third time, he felt Amanda stir in his arms, but he pulled her even closer and burrowed his face deeper into her hair to comfort her. There was no one he wished to speak with. Except for Spock, and that simply was not possible. Not now. He had waited too long. On the fourth ring, Amanda slowly, deliberately pulled away from him.

"Go ahead. Answer it, before it drives me crazy," she told him with a wan smile, her eyes red and puffy. When he looked at her uncertainly, she told him "I'm fine for now. Really."

Sarek reluctantly let go of his wife and went to answer it, then motioned Amanda to join him. It was Admiral Kirk, his eyes red. "Ambassador Sarek, Lady Amanda, I...regret to inform you that your son, Spock, died in the line of duty." He stopped and looked away briefly, composing himself. Sarek could tell he was greatly affected by Spock's death. His voice was rough as he continued. "He died while saving the ship. He...saved us all from certain death. You would have been proud of him..." He broke off as a tear fell onto his cheek. "Please excuse me, Ambassador."

"There is nothing to excuse, Admiral," Sarek told him softly.

Amanda leaned toward the screen. "How did it happen, James?"

"I'm so sorry, Amanda, but I can't go into any details. But I do want to tell you that he died most bravely. If it weren't for his actions, the entire ship and crew would have been lost. I'm sorry to have to tell you this news..." Again, he stopped as his voice cracked, unable to continue.

"Please be assured, Admiral, that we appreciate you telling us yourself," Sarek said. "When can we expect to receive our son's body?"

Kirk looked uncomfortable. "Uh...according to Spock's wishes, he was buried in space." Kirk knew his words sounded harsh and he tried to soften them as best as he could.

Sarek's features hardened slightly at this news. Buried in space? Then where was his katra? Who was the Keeper? And when were they coming to Vulcan? "Then when can we expect you on Vulcan, Admiral?"

"Vulcan, sir? I have to report to Starfleet Headquarters immediately. I don't know if I'll be able to get to Vulcan."

The confusion on Kirk's face was plain to Sarek. 'Is it possible he does not know what I am asking?' He wanted to ask Kirk about the identity of the Keeper, but now was not the time. "That is unfortunate," was all he said.

Amanda's eyes filled with tears again, knowing she would never see her son again. "Thank you for calling us, Admiral. Please send Spock's effects to us as soon as you can."

"Of course, Amanda." Kirk's fingers formed the familiar ta'al. "Live long and prosper, Ambassador, Lady Amanda."

Sarek returned the salute and closed the connection. His mind was whirling. Spock's katra. Where was it? Did he even have time to entrust it to a Keeper? Clearly Kirk had no inkling of what Sarek was alluding to during the conversation. If Spock had not transferred his katra, then he was surely lost and gone forever. Sarek throat tightened at the thought.

That night, when they went to bed, Sarek gathered Amanda in his arms as he usually did before falling asleep. This time, however, he could feel her stiffen in his arms and pull away from his touch, so he let her go and only rested a hand on her hip. He watched her restless sleep the entire night in confusion, fearful that he was losing her as well. He felt the overwhelming grief she was feeling though their marriage bond and he did not want to burden Amanda further with his grief so he blocked the bond, not allowing her to feel the intensof hof his emotions. They were in turmoil and he felt he had to deconstruct them before he would re-open the bond fully again.


****************

The following day, Sarek dressed and ate breakfast alone as Amanda was still in bed, having finally fallen into a fitful sleep late last night. He opened the bond between them and her grief was staggering. Reluctantly, he closed it down agaieavieaving her thoughts in private.

As he was heading for the door, Amanda's voice stopped him. "Where are you going?" she demanded.

"I am going to teach my class at the Science Academy."

Her eyes flashed at him. "How can you go to work as if nothing has happened? Our son is dead and you act as if nothing has changed! How could you!?"

Sarek blinked at her vehemence. "The class has to be taught, Amanda, and I am the instructor. I do not wish to leave you but it is my duty."

"Duty?! Don't give me duty! You and Spock and your damned 'duty'! Duty killed our son! How dare you go to work! If you walk out that door, don't come back, you hear?"

Sarek put his briefcase down and approached her. "Amanda. I grieve for our son as well, please believe me, but I cannot disregard my duties because of his death. It is not our way," he said softly.

"Well, your way is not my way! I mean it Sarek. If you leave here now, don't bother coming back." Her eyes snapped in anger.

Sarek knew it was her grief talking, but he was not about to anger her further. "Very well. I will stay home today." He walked over to the comm unit and placed a call to Senak, the director of the computer department at the Science Academy, informing him os ins intended absence. He crossed the room to hold Amanda, but her hands on his chest stopped him. Confused, he looked at her. "What is wrong, my wife?"

"Just leave me alone, Sarek. Go meditate or something." She turned and stalked into the kitchen.

He followed her into the kitchen and leaned against the counter where she was making herself a cup of tea. "Amanda, have I done something wrong?"

Slowly letting out her breath, she put down her cup and turned to face him, her eyes softening. "No. It's me. I don't know what to feel, and I feel everything. My emotions are a mess right now. Just give me somme ame and space, alright?" she asked of him, reaching up to gently stroke his cheek with the back of her hand. But the sadness suddenly returned to her eyes, and her hand dropped away as if it were too heavy.

"As you wish, my wife. I will be in the living room if you need me." Sarek sat down in the rocking chair and steepled his hands. Amanda wanted him to stay home one minute, then leave her alone the next. He did not know how to respond to her inconsistencies and it concerned him. He wanted to console her, but his own grief was interfering and he was unable to contain it. Where was his discipline?.

As he rhythmically rocked back and forth in the oak chair, his thoughts were centered on Spock and he didn't try to redirect them. How many nights had he rocked his infant son to sleep in this very chair? Holding the warm bundle close in his arms, looking into the tiny face wondering about the man he would one day become. Fiercely proud of the stoic little boy who silently endured the taunts of his classmates that he was not a real Vulcan. Equally proud of the Star Fleet first officer who refused to put aside his responsibilities to his ship and crewmembers in order to give his father a lifesaving blood transfusion. Oddly enough, only Sarek himself had fully understood Spock's reasons. He took some solace in the fact that Spock died saving his ship. He died a hero, as Amanda would say. But it was small comfort for him; his son was gone and possibly his katra as well.

Amanda was more emotional than usual that day. She would cry suddenly, but softly. At times, her grief was so deep that she hated Sarek because he still had a son who lived, even though he was exiled from Vulcan. Sometimes, she would stare into the desert, tears streaming down her face, making no noise and Sarek was at a loss as to how to console her. One time, Amanda turned to him, eyes flashing, saying how dare he not cry for his own son. That he must be some kind of monster. That he hated Spock so much he would not even shed a tear for him. Sarek was deeply hurt by those accusations from his beloved wife, and when he tried to explain that it was not the Vulcan way to cry, she slapped his face and stormed into the bedroom. He could still feel the sting of the blow.

His grief was just as profound as hers, but it manifested itself differently. His was internal; to be resolved through meditation. Hers was external, to be resolved through tears. Never in his long marriage had he encountered such profound sorrow and he was not sure how to dissipate it. He thought it best to just be here for her until she finished her mourning.

After she slapped him, he distanced himself from his wife, mourning Spock in his own, private way. Spock's death hit Sarek hard, harder than he had ever though possible. The lump in his throat threatened to loosen again, as his vision blurred once more. Even meditation had deserted him lately.

That evening, Amanda was more composed. "Sarek, I want to apologise for my hitting you this afternoon. It was inexcusable. Please forgive me."

"The cause was sufficient, Amanda. There is nothing to forgive." Sarek looked into her red-rimmed eyes and saw warmth there.

"My grief was so great, I couldn't even feel the bond between us all day." She chuckled softly. "Imagine that. I didn't know anything could stop the feeling of your presence in my mind, but I guess I found one."

Sarek kept his eyes downcast, looking at his dinner plate. Should he tell her that he closed the bond to spare her his grief? As a diplomat, he knew that disclosure of all the facts was essential to establishing a treaty, so he looked up and said, "Amanda, I closed the link to spare you my grief. "

Slowly, she looked at him. "You did what?" she asked softly, with an icy undercurrent to her voice.

"I only did this to spare you my intense grief. I have not been wholly successful in containing it through meditation. Your own grief was overwhelming you and I did not wish to add mine as well."

"How dare you! We have shared many things in our marriage, Sarek. How could you deny me your feelings about our own son's death? How fragile do you think I am? After all these years, don't you know me yet? I'm not the porcelain object you think I am, you know. Humans are a lot tougher than you have ever given us credit for. Your arrogance is overwhelming!" She got up from the table and her unfinished dinner and stormed into the garden, leaving Sarek looking after her.

'Will I ever stop making mistakes?' he thought.

He opened the bond fully and felt her anger and sadness filtering through. He got up and went into the garden, determined to make amends to her. He looked for her in her favourite spot and found her crying on the stone bench. He sat beside her and put his arm around her shoulders.

She turned slightly and leaned against his chest, her sobbing becoming harder as she did. "Oh Sarek, my baby is gone," she sobbed. She clung to him desperately, as if his solid presence was the only thing anchoring her to this world.

Sarek let her cry, holding her close and whispering into her ear as he did the first time they heard of Spock's death. He knew, as did she, that her crying was for both of them. When she finally stopped, she looked at him and kissed him on the lips softly. He returned the kiss, then led her into the house.

That night, she allowed him to gather her into his strong arms as they both lay naked in bed. She turned to face him and absently stroked his muscular chest. "Sarek, I said some terrible things to you. I just wanted to tell you that I didn't mean them. It was the grief talking. I thought I was losing my mind whecoulcouldn't feel your presence, and I so wanted to feel you in my mind."

"It was wrong of me to close the link, my wife. Can you forgive me?"

"Of course. What a pair we are." She continued to stroke his chest and belly with her fingertips. "But, we still have each other and I would hate to lose that as well."

"As would I," Sarek said, rubbing her back.

Amanda settled against him and fell asleep, her mind somewhat at peace.

The next morning, they ate breakfast together. "Is it acceptable for me to teach my class today, Amanda, or do you wish me to stay home again? It is only a half day today, so I would be home for mid-meal."

"No, Sarek. Go to class. I'll be fine today. It just was...too soon yesterday. I wasn't ready to be left alone."

Sarek got up from the table, kissed his wife, then left for the Science Academy. Amanda watched him leave, then changed into her gardening clothes and prepared to do battle with some persistent weeds. 'This will keep my mind occupied until he gets back,' she thought.

Sarek returned home to find Amanda working furiously in the garden, her face smudged with dirt and the knees of her pants covered in soil. "What are you doing? You know you should not be outside in the midday sun, Amanda."

"Quit being such a worry wart, Sarek. I'm fine. What time is it?"

"It is sixteen minutes past midday."

"Oh my! I completely lost track of time. Here, help me up."

Sarek reached down and took her hand, pulling her to her feet. "Do you wish me to prepare the mid-meal while you get cleaned up, Amanda?"

"Yes, please. I'll only be a mi." ."

They returned to the house. Sarek went into the kitchen and starting making Terran tomato sandwiches. Amanda came into the kitchen minutes later, clean and fresh-looking. Sarek had just finished the final sandwich and handed it to her on a plate. Just then, the comm unit sounded. ek cek crossed the room to answer it. When he came back to the kitchen, he informed Amanda that Spock's personal effects had been shipped and were ready for delivery to the house. He watched as Amanda's eyes filled with tears again, feeling her sorrow over the link they shared. "I told them to bring them in one hour," he said softly.

Amanda just nodded her head in agreement.

That afternoon was spent moving Spock's personal effects into his old room. Amanda handled each one with the love only a mother can give. Sarek waited patiently for her to hand him the article, then put it away, either in drawers or crates for storage. When she pulled out Spock's ka'athyra, she hugged it to her breast and rocked slowly. Sarek watched her as tears spilled from her eyes and ran down her cheeks. He sat beside her on Spock's bed and held her, letting her grief wash over them both. Sarek swallowed hard as a memory stabbed at his consciousness. The fleeting look of delight that Spock had quickly suppressed when his father had presented him with the ka'athyra, which had been in their family for centuries, on the day he completed his kahs wan. Spock's small hands reverently stroking the polished wood, then tentatively plucking the strings for the first time. The awe his son could not quite keep out of his voice when he thanked Sarek for the gift. Now there would be no sons or daughters to inherit Spock's musical talent along with the family ka'athyra. The enormity of the loss settled heavily at the core of Sarek's being.

It was late when they finished packing up Spock's things. They were both tired, mentally and emotionally. The end-meal was a simple affair and was eaten in silence. Both of them were deep in their thoughts.

When they finally went to bed, Sarek gathered Amanda in his arms, spooning to each other. She pulled his hands up to cup her breasts and he complied. "I want to feel your touch, Sarek," she said.

He rubbed his thumbs over her sensitive nipples. She arched her back, pressing her buttocks against his groin, rubbing it slowly. Sarek could feel his cock sti in in response and knew Amanda could feel it as well. She one one leg over his, opening herself up to him. He lowered a hand to stroke her sex, slipping a finger inside of her warmth. She moaned softly as she reached back to rub his flank. His cock was demanding more attention, poking her buttocks insistently.

Amanda turned onto her back, pulled his head down and kissed him deeply. Sarek kept pumping his finger in and out of her, thrusting deeply each time. Amanda reachewn fwn for his cock and squeezed it gently. She slid her hand up and down its length, then rubbed her thumbnail across the weeping slit. Sarek inserted another finger and continued to pump them deeply into her.

Her love for him suffused across the bond they shared as she stroked him to full erection. In a flash, there was a terrible sense of guilt that flared across the bond from Amanda. Its intensity staggered Sarek as he saw Amanda turn away from him abruptly, pushing his hands away fiercely.

"Amanda? What is wrong?" Sarek asked, still very aroused.

"This is wrong! Can't you see that? How can we do this when our son is dead? How could you let me?"

"Amanda, do you mean to tell me that we will never be intimate because Spock is dead? I cannot accept that." Sarek's cock was throbbing with arousal, his heart was on fire for his wife and now she was rebuffing him?

"Well you'd better, Sarek. Can't you see that it is wrong? How can we have pleasure when our son has only been dead two days?"

"I do not believe that Spock would want us to deny ourselves pleasure because of his death, Amanda. That is not logical."

"To hell with your logic, Sarek. And to hell with you!" She threw back the covers, put on her robe and left the bedroom.

Sarek flopped back down on his back and willed his erection away. 'Where have I gone wrong this time,' he asked himself silently. He debated going after Amanda, then decided not to. He rose from the bed, put on his meditation robe and went into his study.
**********

The sun shone into the study, its rays bathing the meditating figure kneeling in the middle of the floor. Sarek opened his eyes and slowly stretched. He stood up and padded into the living room. There, he found Amanda sleeping on the couch. He softly stroked her cheek and went into the bedroom to brush his teeth and chis his hair. He did not have a lecture today, so he did not hurry his ablutions.

When he returned to the living room, Amanda had awakened. He carried on into the kitchen. He was tired of treading on eggshells, as the Humans would say, around his wife. He would wait until she came to him this time. "Do you wish anything for breakfast, Amanda?" he called to her.

"No, thank you."

He prepared his breakfast and sat at the table to eat it. He could hear Amanda shower asate.ate. After he finished, he went into the little greenhouse he had made for his wife and puttered in there until midday. When he returned to the house, Amanda was in the living room, reading a book. When he entered, she didn't even look up. Sighing inwardly, Sarek went into the study and closed the door.

Late at night, Amanda burst into the study, interrupting his meditation. When Sarek became aware of his surroundings, he looked at his wife. Her eyes were almost wild looking. He stood up quickly and went to her, sure something terrible had happened. "What is it my wife? Are you unwell?" he asked earnestly.

"I have been studying the computer banks for information regarding Vulcan memorial rituals. Why have you kept the information regarding Spock's katra from me? Why would you not tell me that there was a part of him that may not have died? How could you keep something that important from me? You and your dammed Vulcan silence! How muore ore do you plan on keeping from me? Spock's katra," she demanded. "Where is Spock's katra? If he found someone to give it to, then he's not really dead, his living spirit could still be found!"

Sarek had thought long and hard about this ever since the communication with Kirk. And, had he been expected to make his wife suffer further by telling her those things that only made this harder? "Amanda, I am sure you realize that in an emergency situation, Spock would not have the time to entrust his katra to anyone. If he had, surely we would have been made aware of the identity of the Keeper by now."

"Not necessarily. Remember, we're dealing with humans who aren't even aware of katras. Listen to me, Sarek. From what that stargram said and what Admiral Kirk told us, Spock knew his actions would kill him, so he would have entrusted his katra to someone before he died. Spock is a good telepath, Sarek, he could have done it quickly!"

"Kirk made no mention..."

"Kirk is human, Sarek! He may not even know that he's the Keeper! It seems to be the Vulcan way to keep secrets; even from those you are supposed to care about. It doesn't take a full meld, and Spock's melded with Kirk many times over the years. He could have made Kirk the Keeper in a mere instant! Oh, Sarek, if there's even a chance...!"

Amanda had fueled a spark of hope within Sarek. Although illogical, he knew where he had to go and whom he had to see. He looked at the amazing woman standing before him. "Very well, I shall go to Earth and meet with Kirk, my beloved."

End Part 1