Elly May Becomes A Lady

I am self-employed as a business marketing analyst.  My job is stressful and usually very busy.  As my own boss though, I take off time whenever I want to.

 

This particular day I have taken off to go fishing.  I’ve gone to a stream, I know of, in the Santa Monica Mountains.  It is a beautiful summer day in 1965 Southern California and I’ve found a nice shady spot along the stream.

 

Later that morning I spot an older man walking upstream with a fishing pole.  He is tall and slender but looks to be a transient.  He has a week-old beard and he’s got on old shabby clothes and floppy hat.  He wears a collarless white shirt and clodhopper boots.

 

As he gets closer to my fishing spot, he calls out, “Howdy there, young fella.  How’s the fishing?”

 

I look towards him saying, “Fair to middlin’.  You’re welcome to sit and fish here, if you’d like.”

 

The old man sits down nearby and lowers his cane pole and string line into the water.

 

“That’s mighty kind of ya.  I’m Jed Clampett,” he says, as he extends his handshake.  I oblige by shaking his hand,

 

“You can call me Mike,” I say.

 

“It’s a real pleasure to meet ya Mr. Mike,” Jed replies with a smile.

 

Over the next few hours, this old dude tells me some of the most outlandish stories I have ever heard.  I think perhaps that he’s been drinking too much moonshine.

 

He tells me about being dirt poor, living in the hills of Tennessee, and striking oil one day while out hunting on his property.  He goes on to tell me that he now lives in a mansion in Beverly Hills and has over 60 million dollars in the bank.

 

I try to keep from laughing at him and just go along with it.

 

He even shows me a picture of his family taken in front of his mansion.  The photo shows a family, dressed similar in hillbilly style clothing.

 

He points out his mother-in-law, Granny, a frail looking old woman in a floor length pattern dress.  He shows me his daughter, Elly May, a beautiful young woman, who has a thin waist but her dress covers her legs to below the knees and her dress is too puffed out to see the rest of her figure.  Jed also points out his cousin Pearl’s son, Jethro, a big tall, goofus looking young man.

 

Jed starts telling me all about his family and how tough it has been trying to raise them up in the ‘big city’.  He tells me how hard it has been for his daughter, Elly, to find a ‘beau to court her’.

 

He says that she just turned 17 and how Granny says that she will be an old maid if she isn’t ‘hitched’ by 18 years of age.

 

I just keep going along with his crazy stories and nod my head.

 

Jed says that Elly May just likes to play with her critters and to ‘shinny up’ trees, go stump jumping and just get herself dirty playing outside.  He says that she acts like a tomboy all the time.

 

He says that he would do anything to get her to learn to be a lady.  He thinks that Granny is too old fashioned to teach Elly May the new ways of living as a lady in Beverly Hills.

 

I just can’t help myself with all this insanity so I decide to make up a few stories of my own.

 

I tell Jed, “You know that’s a shame.  Such a beautiful young woman should attend a proper girl’s finishing school.  I used to tutor at one before I started my own business.  I’ve tutored many young women to be proper ladies.”

 

Jed says, “Well, my Elly May don’t take too kindly to them schools.  She tried some but didn’t get along with the other girls.  They laugh and kinda poked fun at her.”

 

“That’s a shame too,” I replied.  “Young girls can be so cruel sometimes.  Your daughter would probably benefit from private tutoring.”

 

Jed puts down his fishing pole and says, “By doggies, I think ya got somethin’ there.  Elly just needs more direct attention.  So how abouts ya’ll tutor her?  I’ll pay ya very handsome, for your work.”

 

This just seems to be getting funnier, so I say, “Well, I have my own different kind of business now and I am very busy.  I would oblige you but the price would have to be pretty high, for all the extra work.”

 

Jed immediately says, “How does a million dollars sound to ya?  Seeing my Elly May become a lady is worth a million dollars to me.”

 

This is going too far and the day is getting late.

 

“Listen,” I say, “I would be happy to do it for a million.  Here is my business card.  Send me a check for $500,000 and we can get started.  Once the check has cleared, I will contact you with the details.  So be sure and send me your address and telephone number also.”  I pick up my gear and begin to hike out to my car.