The Enigma of the Mind

Author's Note: I hope you enjoy this fanfic, I think that is captures everything I want in a fanfic. I apologizes for small grammatical errors, I keep reading it over making sure to get rid of all of them. I just Updated some parts as of June 2009. Comment at the end please.

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The empty, menacing night was silent outside of the large area window that lay stretched out ominously in front of Captain Kirk; he seemed contemplative this fortnight of September, as if everything in his mind wouldn’t stop bustling even though his body reclined in a relaxed manner.

As the captain of the Enterprise he was in charge; in charge of what though, he questioned more frequently than not. It was on his mind his now, his face at ease, but a frown was seen in his forehead making his muscles apparent and giving him the furrow of a man deciding whether he has made a meaning out of his life and what still lay ahead of him in the desolate distance of life with the shine of reality in your eyes. After all, we are all expendable; Kirk glanced around his small nook in the room, he enjoyed its tight spaces, the walls surrounded him and gave him a feeling of being necessary and secure

Kirk sat back in his favorite black lounge chair near the fireplace, he enjoyed this spot. He had many nights of long conversations with Dr. Leonard McCoy, the chief medical officer aboard the Enterprise. Kirk eased himself back fully into the soft leather backing of the chair in an attempt to let go of the events of the day and the thoughts lingering in the back of his mind.

Kirk thought to himself, "Why had he had been so arrogant and careless, and why did Spock say those things to him." They had been on a risky mission, but the way he vocalized his words to Kirk before being severely injured stuck in Kirk’s mind, almost eating away at his self-control and sanity. Kirk did not wish to think about it anymore, he was worried about Spock, as the ship’s Chief Science Officer, his First Officer but mostly importantly his best friend; he cared deeply about Spock.

They had been shipmates ever since he first took over command of the Enterprise from Captain Pike. Kirk stood up, his brow even more furrowed than before, "I should go check on Spock," he thought, disregarding it was well after 1 am, then again, time was an illusion in space. He walked over to his night stand, the dark wood of his night stand reflected him in a distorted manner, Kirk stared into the table, and he would rather see himself like this than for a mirror to catch what he felt on the inside.

He liked to keep his personal thoughts away from himself sometimes; they got to be a hassle and a distraction late into the night as he would lie in bed and stare out his window in hope for answers, a search for motivation to take action in his life, to find what he has always been looking for since his heartaches of childhood. He wanted to find companionship aboard the ship whose five year mission left him feeling empty and a bit robbed of living. Kirk reached down on the nightstand and lifted up a small unmarked bottle of crystal blue liquid, Romulan Ale, southern comfort as McCoy would call it. He admired the small bottle, delicate in form, with its smooth edge contrasting with its rough surfaces, so much about this bottle was unique and the taste of the ale always gave Kirk a splendid surprise after a brief wince from the burn that surged down his throat and deep into his belly, he liked this burn, only so much in the world could give this satisfying feeling.

Romulan Ale and being with "him". He loathed thinking of that and set the bottle down, he did not feel like engaging in drinking tonight, it always did leave him with a bitter taste in his heart and emptiness in his mouth. Kirk glided over to his bed and picked up the soft, fleece shirt that lay on top of its sheets, he loved the feeling of its soft fabric on his body, and its dark auburn color accentuated his fine features and hazel eyes. Spock had gotten him that as a birthday present. Spock always did get him such lovely presents. Kirk decided to stop stalling and go visit Spock in the sick bay before he changed his mind and wasted away the hours intoxicated in the quarters of his mind.

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He walked towards the deck's elevator to take it four floors down, his quarters were above the normal crews quarters and the sick bay which was way below the Bridge. He felt a sense of necessity by being above the crew and sick bay. An almost right of control over the ship. The halls at night had a luminous glow to them, almost eerie in nature. The walls had random breaks by either doors that lead to places that Kirk never explored, closets filled with cleaning supplies and tools or placards with a map of the layout of the Enterprise. Kirk quite often used the map of Enterprise, staring at it wondering if he stared hard enough he would be transported where his eyes gazed. He often contemplated the workings of thought and of reality in his drunken plunders, wondering if what he wanted would ever be real and if what he wanted was real.

These thoughts often caused him to fall asleep with a certain depression in his body and feelings of incomplete satisfaction lingering on his lips. He walked over to the small elevator and pushed the “down” arrow, it glowed with a certain hope that Kirk found comfort in. He had only waited a moment when the elevator dinged and the doors slowly opened and a familiar face looked up at him the sleepy eyes searching for a gaze, McCoy's deep blue eyes being the first thing that came into Kirk’s view.

“I was just coming to get you Jim,” McCoy looked at him his face almost sullen in complexion with a sense of concern. “It’s about Spock.”

Kirk felt a sinking sensation in his stomach, a feeling that consumed all of him. He felt anguish and worry fill his eyes and felt a need to hold on to McCoy to keep his world from being swept beneath him. “Is he going to be alright…” he could barely get the words to come out; he had to almost purge them from the vocal cords.

The thought of Spock not existing…it was too much for him to take. “Please, take me to him Bones, he might need me.” Kirk’s voice trailed off as he stepped into the elevator and felt the lack of gravity dissipate and hit him weighing him down as the two men journeyed down into the heart of the ship.

“He is having trouble breathing, for once he never seems to run out of breathe that green blooded hobgoblin.” Bones seemed to want to take the statement back. Bones and Spock always did seek fun in humiliating and trying out do one another, in a way the competition between them was necessary for the ship to keep drifting through space and for Kirk to feel alive.

“I wouldn’t worry too much Jim, his lungs, for as strong as he is, must be sore and weak after that blow to the chest” McCoy’s eyes drifted down to the floor paneling and then up to Kirk’s concerned, deep set eyes, “he is after all, a Vulcan.”

Kirk smiled, not sure if he felt like crying or a bit relieved. He is Vulcan, the logic in him won’t die even if he is hurt. He won’t give up the fight because he wants to hear me. “A Vulcan through and through, you know that for sure Bones.”

Kirk smirked; he knew that they would cheer each other up. Kirk knew Bones and Bones knew Kirk; the two were good friends and shared many glasses of southern comfort in each other’s presence. The elevator signaled they had arrived at their destination Deck 9 Section 2, the medical hall. The red carpet made Kirk shut his eyes a little, for some reason the floor seemed brighter here than on his own deck's making the luminosity of the walls seem severe and almost desperate.

“He’s in the sick bay as you might have guessed, the table to the left,” McCoy breathed deeply almost in a way signaling he wanted Kirk to tell him something; almost seeking comfort in his good friend. Kirk patted McCoy’s broad shoulders; he wanted him to feel secure, even if Kirk was on the verge of crisis in his thoughts.
The two men walked down the hall and through the door with the placard of “Medical Office” on the door. The door made a sealing noise behind them and Kirk knew it was safe to express himself a little more, he let the feelings seep through the room; he wanted to explain to Bones what had happened to Spock. It was only Kirk, Spock and a few ensigns exploring the planet Alpha Laputa IV.

“Bones, before the day grows into morning too soon, I want to tell you what happened today while we were on our rounds on Laputa.” Kirk leaned back against a wall; he needed something to keep him from falling backwards. “Spock and I went off to explore the Southern sector of the planet, Spock had mentioned it had signs of life and civilization down there and wanted to see what life had culminated on this seemingly pre-historic planet.”

Kirk knew that Bones was grinning in his head, Spock and Kirk always went off together, and if Bones was there with them, he would have come along with them too. As the triumvirate, they were inseparable. Kirk continued after taking a deep breath,

“We were walking along almost a jungle path filled with twigs, stumps and clusters of trees, it was very hard to see what was ahead of us, I lead the while Spock held his tricorder searching for the area that contained ‘the highest percentage per capita of life’ we kept walking and pushed forward through the undergrowth when the grounds beneath us began to tremble and almost shake.”

Bones looked down and around the room and then back at Kirk, “A shake?”

Kirk continued on,

“Yes a shake, the ground was about vibrating vivaciously as if a thousand men were stampeding towards us, and the thing was, people were stampeding towards us, not running, but charging. We couldn’t see them though. Spock and I were walking through a ravine so we weren’t expecting anything above us; we couldn’t even see above our own heads let alone see above the tree tops. We kept pushing through until there was a break in the scenery and we were standing, floating rather, in the middle of a dirt circle. Time slowed down and I saw them, the Laputians, at least twenty of them at the top of the hillside. They were native looking, almost pre-historic with rags covering them, scares on their bodies and black ritual paint smeared on their faces. They did not comprehend the word peace nor would they ever know how to practice it.”

Kirk paused; Bones knew the difficult part of the story was coming. “I saw them gathering at the top, and Spock saw them too, we knew that if we went back we would be cornered by them and probably killed for they thought of us as trespassers or enemies, or maybe Gods. Either way we would be subjected to their cruel fates. We kept moving forward; knowing that ahead of us was nothing but open dirt. Spock wanted to lead ahead, but I pushed him back, I wouldn’t let him run straight into danger. The Laputians must have sensed our escape and made a shrieking noise and I saw the first of their spears span the skyline. None of those hit us, they had bad aim from up there; however, they were gathering large stones to roll at us. And that’s when I saw it; the stones began to come crumbling down the hillside crippling the vegetation and soon to be Spock and I, I wasn’t sure to run and dodge them or to stop and wait the fate of us meeting them.” Kirk glanced downward; he wanted to say how Spock looked, when he knew logic would not save them. “Spock ran over to me and looked up, those dark eyes searching for a logical answer.

‘Captain, I believe the stones are rolling with such great velocity that neither you nor I can dodge them.’

And that’s when I saw the first stone heading towards us barely missing us. I told Spock to stand behind me and we would dodge them together to be more efficient and if I was to get hit Spock could make an escape and they would come and get me, he wouldn’t have it though. I turned to him and looked at his face, long delicate features and that permanent look of curiosity about the world.

'Spock, as my first officer and best friend, no matters what happens take care of the Enterprise and McCoy, they will need you.' Kirk began to get small beads of tears in the corners of his eyes; he swept them away after a momentary pause.

“He told me something, something very personal and touching, I hope you won’t tell him or allude to this Bones.”

“No, I won’t, I understand a man’s need for privacy Jim, after all, I am a doctor.” Kirk smiled, he knew he could entrust McCoy, he was Bones after all.

“Spock looked at me and in a very endearing tone told me, ‘Jim, I have always been your first captain and always will, nothing will keep me from my duties of being part of the Enterprise I am part of your life Jim, and I always will be for there is a bond between all persons in the universe keeping us all connected and intact even if we haven’t met them yet, everything happens with an intention, and me being assigned to the Enterprise as your officer was part of my fate and part of my journey through life, standing by your side has taught me that the flaw that is innate in humans is a necessary factor to accept, and I have learned from you many other qualities of humans, I appreciate you Jim, in fact I…’

Before Spock could finish he saw a small boulder nearing us and with a great effort pushed me out of the way. The boulder crashed into him knocking him backwards and onto his back, he let out a great burst of air as he hit the ground. I was so shocked at what had happened the only thing I could think of was to race over to him and hold him in my arms, I wouldn’t let him go. I then realized that I had given Spock the communicator to carry because he had brought with him a case to carry items that were bulky, I searched through his bag and opened the communicator, I don’t remember what I said but I was livid and in tears and stood up cursing at the Laputians as Spock and I were beamed aboard.”

“And that’s when both Spock and you were rushed in here, you were in hysterics and Spock was covered in a silt of dust and drops of blood forming on his shirt. You passed out; I remember that and were taken to your room by several ensigns.”

Bones looked thoughtful; he must have been putting the story together in his head, wondering how old pointy ears was able to show emotion only in times of danger. Maybe there is more to Spock after all. McCoy looked a bit relieved knowing what had happened.

Kirk looked at Bones and gave him a quick pat on shoulder, “It was a long day, he’ll pull through though, and he always does.” McCoy looked at Kirk and then at Spock. He looked pensive and then had an expression of concern and relief at the same time.

“Jim, I am going to go file some medical reports and put away some equipment ol’ Chapel left out, you can go take a look at Spock over there, he is in a semi-stable condition, just a deep form of exhaustion is what he is really going through right now.” Bones walked away slowly, he looked like he wanted to turn around and say something, but he kept onward. Bones was very perceptive of the platonic relationship between Spock and himself, maybe there was something more to it, and even he saw it. He knows me all too well that old Southern bastard. Kirk smirked at the thought of McCoy thinking there was something between Spock and himself, Kirk wished it was true, but he wasn’t really sure of anything anymore.

Kirk walked over to Spock, he was so tall and slender, he took up the entire length of the table easily, but there was plenty of room on either side of him for another person or two. He glanced up and down Spock’s body noticing his light breathing and the silent twitches he made while sleeping. Kirk walked around to the other side to look at Spock’s face. He always did find happiness in it. Spock had only a few minor scraps to his face, Vulcan’s have a higher ability of regeneration,

"He will be better in a few days," Kirk thought wishfully. He hunched over Spock noticing his hair was slightly muffled from the course of the day, the patient suit he was wearing would have seemed illogical to Spock because of how large and open it was, McCoy would have teased him about being in it, maybe tomorrow when he would be awake. Kirk ran his fingers through Spock’s hair slightly fixing it back into its neat and orderly position and ran his index finger over his eyes feeling his pulsating and flickering as if thoughts were entering and exiting, his unconscious open to be probed into.

Maybe Spock was dreaming about being on Vulcan or the first law of thermodynamics, maybe dreaming about him. Kirk liked that thought, he wouldn’t dare ask Spock about it, but had wishful and it never really hurt him, only made him wish it was true more. Kirk looked down and noticed Spock’s eyes slightly opened as if in a daze or an awakening of his unconscious. His eyes slowly fluttered closed again, he needed more sleep to recover. "I wonder if I should." Kirk bent down closer to Spock, he could hear the slight beats of his heart and the green blood flowing through his hands. He’s so beautiful. Kirk lowered himself further down, hovering just above Spock’s cheek; he pursed his lips slightly and gave him a small kiss on the cheek giving him a momentary feeling of warmth in his stomach. He heard the bay door open and McCoy walked in.

“I think we should leave Mister Green here alone and get some rest; in fact, I think we should all get rest Jim.” Bones looked tired, the bags under his eyes deeper set then normal, Bones looked as if he was in a sleepy haze, almost unreal as if the truth of the situation was just a lapse of reason.

“I think we should let Spock sleep too, he’ll need it, his logical side can’t stand not trying to dictate us, especially you Bones.” Kirk smiled, he wanted Bones to smile too, something about the sleepy surgeon’s smile made him feeling warm inside as well. Maybe it was the act of his caring nature towards an old friend or the genuine quality of it, either way; he liked to see the Chief medical officer smile. Kirk walked towards the door and as it opened turned to McCoy, “Bones, thanks for listening, I couldn’t trust anyone else with my thoughts and health than you.”

McCoy smiled, the dark circles under his eyes seemed to lift a little, “No problem Jim, a doctor has to do more than physical health routines sometimes, we all need help and compassion Jim. Now go on off to bed it's nearing 3 am now.”

“Good night Bones, who knows what tomorrow will bring for you, another patient or two,” Kirk walked out of the door and waved to Bones. He felt better knowing Spock was alright and knowing that he kissed his cheek. He felt alive, they both did. He pushed the elevator button and entered it, and as the elevator transcended so did Kirk’s mind. To the thoughts of Spock, McCoy and the bustling ship of the Enterprise. He wondered when Spock would awaken and if he would shout for him.

"I hope he does." Kirk liked feeling important, especially to Spock.

As Kirk walked to his quarters he sleepily thought of what to give Spock as a get better present. Maybe a new chess set for them to play, or a book of Vulcan history. He chuckled Spock knew everything about every culture; yet, he would still leaf through the pages because Kirk bought it for him. Or maybe another kiss. Kirk felt his cheeks grow hot. "Only in my dreams, only in my dreams." And with that the Captain eased into sleep.

Kirk awoke with a startled, his alarm had been going off for probably an hour at least but Kirk was too involved with his dream to really notice. Kirk reflected upon his dream, he didn’t remember it all only brief moments of it. Spock and Kirk had been sitting at a table playing chess, their normal activity; Kirk was winning which challenged the Vulcan because of his drastic moves with not much logic behind them. Spock looked over at Kirk in the dream and reached his hand across the table and touched his hand in a caressing manner,

"I have feelings for you Jim, deep feelings, no matter how illogical they seem, they are there, I will always love you." Kirk remembered looking into his eyes and seeing the severity of them and felt touched, and that is when Kirk woke up almost crying from the beauty of the dream.

He felt that knot in his stomach grow and weigh him down. He knew that eventually he would have to confront Spock and maybe try expressing how he felt little by little. I can’t hide this away forever; I won’t hide in my shell. Kirk sat up in bed and stretched his arms, the muscles in his arms bulged, he was very muscular. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and got up, he decided to get ready fast in order to check on Spock and his condition. He grabbed the nearest clean clothes and ran his fingers through his hair, it didn’t take much to make him look like his normal suave self.

He walked out of his room and towards the bay elevator; he quickly pushed the button and waited for the door to open. He seemed to have a new energy in his step and hurried down the hall to Spock. He knocked on the door before entering and was greeted by Chapel who was exiting to check on a patient who was ordered to bed rest. Kirk walked in and saw McCoy organizing his medical supplies and cleaning them, he always did like them in order and in top condition. Kirk noticed that Spock was still in the bed, but looked more relaxed and calm. He knew he was still sleeping, but actually sleeping now.

The exhaustion passed and now he was drifting through the phases of sleep, maybe on waves of nothing but maybe thoughts of holding Kirk’s hand. If only. Kirk walked over to Spock to watch him sleep for a moment, Spock’s eyes were relaxed and he had a small smile on his face. Maybe he was dreaming of him. Spock rustled a bit in his sleep and slowly opened his eyes and allowing a little light in. Spock looked daze and attempted to slowly rise, but Kirk pushed him back down.

“Jim…” Spock smiled as he said it. He lowered back down and began to allow the day into his mind. Kirk admired Spock’s will to be productive and move. Spock’s mouth opened, it looked like he wished to speak to Kirk. “I am glad to be awake again Captain.”

“I am glad you are alive Spock, I was worried about you, but I think your Vulcanism saved you, that constitution of yours is as you would say 'fascinating.'"

Spock sat up in the bed and pulled the sheets down; Vulcans after all are warmer than humans. “I expect to be back to work again Captain in a few hours I very much wish to be back in uniform and on the bridge.”

“As you wish Spock, no rush for you, everyone will be glad to know you are alive and better.” Kirk smiled he was happy Spock was breathing and what appeared to be functional. McCoy walked closer to them to join in the conversation and welcoming back Spock.

“I am glad you are finally awake there, I was beginning to worry I was going to have to nurse you back to health for weeks.” McCoy smiled with his whole face, he was glad he was awake as well.
“There is no need for that now doctor, as you know Vulcans regenerate faster than humans.”

Spock began to shift under the sheets. “Is it possible for me to be adorned in my uniform again, these patient outfits are most absurd. I don’t understand the purpose of them.”

“Well, Spock, sometimes humans need more procedures done to them than a bandage and a blanket, clothes can be most restriction when trying to use a stethoscope.” McCoy grinned a little; he missed the joking fun he would have with Spock. “Your clothes were sent back to your room after repair, take the blanket with you and go get dressed so you feel less illogical in my patient wear, be sure to bring it back wouldn’t want you sporting it in the bridge.”

“I sense the irony in your speech doctor, I will do so.” Spock got out of the bed and walked to his room which was a level below Kirk’s. Kirk smiled he noticed under the flimsy patient dress a taut Vulcan body.
“That Spock, he has no sense of humor sometimes, but then again he wouldn’t be happy letting his human side laugh.” McCoy seemed to be reminiscing back about all the arguments with Spock.

“I am going to head up to the bridge McCoy, and see how the ship is progressing and alert the crew of Spock’s health.” Kirk walked towards the door and turned to McCoy. “Bones, I think I would be lost without you two.” Kirk grinned and waved bye to Bones.