Our secret

Author notes: I’m a big Shalimar/ fan fan, always looking for stories involving this couple, but usually with no luck. So this is for all the Shal/Adam fans out there –if there’s anyone besides me  If you don’t like the idea of these two together, you won’t like this story. English is not my first language and this isn’t betaed, so you’ll probably find some mistakes –I hope not too many-.
Warning: The story contains disturbing material and sexual situations. It’s not for kids.

Emma opened her eyes slowly. She blinked several times, but kept the rest of her body still, in the same position she had woken up –on her , on, on top of her bed – while listening carefully to distinguish the s whi which had disturbed her sleep. Sanctuary was quiet, and Emma realized soon she hadn’t been waked up by a sound, but by emotions. As a telemphatic, Emma was able to perceive –and influence– on others’ emotions, and when those were very strong, they made her feel as uneasy as any high sound would do to normal person.
The young mutant raised herself to a sitting position. She opened her big blue eyes wider and stared at some spot on the floor, as she turned her head lightly to her side. It was her way to ‘listen’ better to emotions. It wasn’t hard for her to find out who the emotion’s owners were, because they were persons she knew well and cared for: Shalimar Fox and Brennan Mulray. Though they must have been talking quietly –Sanctuary was still silent -, their emotional fight was like a loud argument to Emma.
Brennan was angry about something. Not exactly angry, more like… hurt. Pictures of Brennan and Shalimar laughing together were flying in Emma’s mind. They had a great time together, they were good friends, they had something really special. That wasn’t new for Emma. But Brennan wanted something more: his mouth on Shalimar’s, his hands caressing her body. Emma was sure none of that had happened in real life, at least not as intensely as Brennan was feeling it.
Shalimar’s emotions were intense, too, but not as intense as other times. Shalimar was a feral, and when her emotions touched the wild part of her, they were so strong they could be physically painful for Emma. But at that time she was making a big effort to contain them: tenderness and caring love BrenBrennan, mixed with some sadness. The same scene with Brennan and her laughing, but a cloud floating above her head, darkening the air. Like a smoke curtain to hide something.
Why not? Brennan wanted to know, demanded an answer. He wouldn’t have enough with Shalimar’s excuses: the Mutant X team in a circle on the fight platform. Brennan and her on top of the stairs, the others looking at them from the floor. The equilibrium broken. The smoke curtain hiding the bottom of Shalimar’s mind become thicker in the middle, but started to faint on its sides with the pressure of Brennan’s questions.
Another image, another question in Brennan’s mind: Shalimar dancing with someone without a face. Was there another man? Shalimar’s reaction was so intense it pushed Emma backwards, and her head hit the wall.
“Ouch!”

Emma rubbed the back of her head. The connection had been broken, but not before the smoke curtain in Shalimar’s mind totally faded and Emma was able to see what was behind. Thousands of pictures, memories, centred around two people, on the relationship between them. A teenager Shalimar, dirty and scared accepts the hand a man, probably in his thirties, offers her. The same couple joking, talking, working together. Shalimar crying in his arms. Pain, tenderness, friendship, love. Bonds so strong that Emma felt her eyes full of tears. Her gaze shined with understanding, and she raised her hand to her mouth to suffocate an exclamation that would have echoed in Sanctuary’s silent night.
The man who filled Shalimar’s soul, the dark eyes behind the smoke curtain always in the bottom of her mind, was Adam Kane.
If Brennan would have been telemphatic, he would have known that by now. But he wasn’t, and he didn’t know. Emma hadn’t been able to hear it, but she guessed Shalimar had denied everything. Brennan was out of Shalimar’s room, and everything was quiet again. Just on the surface, of course.
When Emma felt well enough again, she tried another connection with Shalimar. She was crying quietly, but her tears were like rain in Emma’s head. She was feeling pain and guilt for hurting Brennan. But, what else could she have done?
Emma broke the link carefully and rested her back in the wall with a sigh. She wished she had known it before. It wouldn’t have changed a thing, though. Of course, she had always known how important Adam is to Shalimar. She recalled that time, when Adam had turned bad after being modified by a vengeful mutant, and how she, Emma, had tried to prevent him from strangling Shalimar making a call to his feelings: “The person you’re trying to strangle would do anything in the world to protect you, and you know well she loves you more than anyone.” But for some reason –Shalimar’s feral, maybe even unconscious efforts to protect her secret, mainly –she didn’t notice the true nature of what Shal felt for Adam. It was more than a daughter’s love, more than the love one felt for a friend, even more than a teenager crush or a temporal passion. Something told Emma that Shalimar had passed all those phases in her feelings for Adam, and had ended deeply and irremediably in love with him. It was an old love, coming from far away; a quiet and hidden love, but strong and unavoidable.
And the worst thing of all was that Shalimar wasn’t aware of her feelings in a conscious level. She couldn’t, or she didn’t want to recognize it. But she was suffering because of it.
And Emma, her friend, could do nothing to prevent that.

**

Two weeks later

“Hey, Shal”

The young feral turned her neck, her long blonde hair floating around her head, to the place where the voice calling her was coming.
“Hey, Emma.”
The syonic girl went upstairs slowly and sat at the edge of the holographic platform. Shalimar, who had been practising tai-chi movements to improve her coordination, joined her.
“Is everything OK?” Shalimar asked, as she looked sideways to the place where the lab was.
“I guess so. They’re still there, absorbed in the longest discussion ever. I’ve been listening to them for ten minutes and I still have no idea of what the hell they’re talking about.” Emma said with a sigh.
“It seems Adam has found his other half.” Shalimar said lightly, but Emma noticed her friend’s frown.
“Well, Lewis is probably one of the most intelligent mutants we have ever found, but Adam is still more intelligent than him.” Emma smiled “Are you all right, Shal?”
“Sure” the feral quickly answered, smiling a little “It’s just… sometimes I feel a little… uneasy around Lewis. I know is silly, but the way he looks at me sometimes…”
“I think he has a crush on you.” Pointed Emma with a mischievous smile.
“I guess it’s just that.” Shalimar muttered. She looked lost in thought.
“What do you mean, just that? What else could it be?”
Shalimar stared at her friend, but her mind seemed far away “I don’t know. His eyes…”
“He has the most beautiful eyes; you’ve got to agree on that.”
“They are cold. Don’t you think they’re cold? I’d like to know what’s behind them. Emma… he’s a telemphatic, like you. Didn’t you catch a glimpse of… I don’t know, something odd?”
Emma shook her head. “It’s hard for me… I’ve never know another telemphatic before, but I’m barely able to perceive anything at all from him. I didn’t thought about it before, but I guess it makes sense. Because of what we are, we must constantly control our emotions so they don’t affect other people –unless we want them to, of course.”
“I see.”
Emma smiled and toched lightly Shalimar’s naked shoulder with her hand. “Don’t worry. If you think about it, it’s logic for you to perceive Lewis as cold. I mean… he’s so shy… he’s not your type at all.”
Shalimar smiled, in spite of herself “Isn’t he?”

“No.”
“Well, anyway… I’m sorry for Adam, who seems to have such a great time with him, but I’ll be glad when he’s gone.”
“Girls.” Adam’s voice and his figure turning the corner interrupted their conversation. He was followed by a thin, not too tall man, with short, dark hair and rectangular black glasses covering the glimpse of his eyes, which were an odd, disturbing shade of green. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but we are finished at the lab and Lewis must be at the safehouse as soon as possible. Shalimar” he started, looking at the young feral “Will you be able to take him there? Jesse has just told me all his papers are ready.”
“Sure.” Shalimar jumped to a standing position, but Emma took her wrist before she could go farther, and spoke to Adam.
“Adam, I’d like to go. I’m in the mood for a walk.”
Adam moved his head to both sides to say no. “I’m sorry, Emma. If something goes wrong, a syonic and a feral would manage better than two syonics together. Besides, I need you to help me with something.”
Emma nodded, as she looked at Shalimar to say she was sorry. Shalimar shook her head and gave her a wide smile to thank her. She went upstairs and stood in front of Lewis. Her warm hazel eyes met the mutant’s, which had not tore apart from her since he had entered the room.
“Well, let’s go.” Shalimar forced a smile to give it to Lewis. Sure Emma was right and the poor kid just had a silly crush on her. Sure there was no reason to be worried.
“Of course.” Lewis turned to Adam and offered him his hand. “Thank you again for everything, Adam. Genetic studies have been my passion since I discovered who I was, and I have learned a lot with you. I would never forget it.”
Adam took the younger man’s hand and smiled to him “The learning was mutual. I wish you the best, Lewis.”
Lewis nodded, and his gaze fixed on her syonic fellow mutant “Goodbye, Emma. It has been a pleasure to meet something like you… like me.” He babbled a shy smile on his lips.
“Yes, it was nice to meet you too, Lewis.”
The young man turned and walked to the guest’s room to gather his things. Shalimar was about to follow him, when Adam’s hand in her shoulder stopped her.
“It’s everything all right, Shalimar?”

“Sure.” The feral trembled slightly under Adam’s hand. She had a bad feeling, and it was growing stronger with every step she took. Nonsense, she said to herself, moving her head as to dismiss that idea.
Adam didn’t seem convinced. “Are you sure?” he lowered his voice a little to prevent Emma from hearing them, while he got closer to Shalimar to speak in her ear. The young woman suppressed a shiver. Usually Adam’s closeness made her feel safe, but now… not it was burning her… and not in a pleasant way “You know you can talk to me about everything.”
Shalimar smiled and nodded “I know.” She freed herself from Adam’s hand and gave him a quick peck in the cheek “Thanks. But I’m fine.”
Adam watched with a frown how Shalimar walked as quickly as she could away from the room… and from him. Something was wrong with her, he was sure of that. The smart genetist decided he would have a long, quiet conversation with her that night, as soon as she returned from the safehouse. Then he turned and walked to where Emma was.
Only when Adam did so, Lewis’ eyes, which had been staring at him from a corner of the room, tore themselves apart from the scene.

**

“We’re almost there.” Shalimar moved like a panther through the streets, followed closely by Lewis “That abandoned warehouse. There it is.”
“Shalimar.” The feral stopped as she heard her name, and when she turned to face his mate, she noticed he had stopped walking and was a few feet from her. Shalimar tried to suppress an exasperated sigh “What are you doing? C’mon, let’s hurry up.”
Lewis approached her slowly, with sure steps, and Shalimar’s uneasiness grew stronger. “Are you really so impatient to have me out of your sight?” he muttered, sadness in his voice.
“It’s not safe to be here. Come on.” Shalimar started to turn, but he grabbed her arm. She lowered her gaze to the point where he was touching her, and then raised it to his eyes “What the hell are you doing?”
“I want to talk to you before we enter the safehouse. Please.” He begged.
Shalimar swallowed. Her instincts were screaming at her something… something she couldn’t decipher “All right. Five minutes.”
Lewis pinned her with his green eyes. “Since I first saw you I knew. We’re mean to each other. Your fire… your fire calls me like a magneto. I’ve never felt something like this. I need you. I love you, Shalimar.”
Her mouth hanged open, and her eyes shined with amazement. Lewis raised his freed hand, still looking at her, and caressed her lips “Don’t say anything yet. Just tell me you will be able to love me. That you will try, at least.”
Shalimar moved her head, her face full of astonishment, compassion and sadness “Lewis… I’m flattered, but… I can’t…”

“You can’t?” Lewis’ eyes shimmered intensely, pinning her even more to the street. Shalimar felt a shake, and pain, as if a piece of ice was passing through her and filling her soul with coldness. He was... he was inside her! She tried to scream, to run away, but Lewis’ syonic force kept her in place, still, as his mind profaned her most sacred memories. Shalimar didn’t know what was he looking for, but knew he had found something when Lewis’ eyes –iris, green pupils, all green! God –filled with fury and pain. “Him! It can’t be possible!” he approached his face to hers and breathed in her air, as he muttered against her lips “I’ll take him out of you. That is my place.”

A sionic burst from his forehead hit Shalimar’s. The thin mutant showed an amazing physical strength as he took the feral’s unconscious body and walked away from the safehouse with her in his arms.

**

“Where’s Shalimar? It’s been more than four hours since she left.” Emma entered the room where Brennan and Jesse were playing basketball. Her face showed her worry.

“Don’t look at me.” Brennan took the ball from Jesse and ran with it towards the basket “Every time I make a comment like that Shalimar o Adam blames me for being overprotective” he jumped and scored “Yes! So…”

“This time I won’t blame you for anything, Brennan.” Adam joined them, Emma’s worry showing itself twice in his face “I’ve just called the safehouse and they have no news of Shalimar or Lewis. They’ve been waiting for them for hours. I tried Shalimar’s comlink, but it’s not working.”

“So something happened to her.”

Brennan looked at Emma “You sound like you were expecting it.”

Emma moved her head, but didn’t say anything. Adam approached her.

“Is there something you didn’t tell us, Emma?”

“No. Well…” the sionic mutant rubbed her forehead “I talked to Shal just before she left. She told me she felt quite uneasy around Lewis…”

“No doubt she did” Jesse said “Man, he has such a crush on her…”

“But he has no chance with her.” Brennan stated.

“I told her the same.” Said Emma “That she was giving it too much thought, but now… I’m not that sure anymore. I have a bad feeling. I wish I could have felt something more from Lewis, but we really know nothing about him… just that he’s telemphatic, and very intelligent…”

Adam raised his hands to stop the arguing “Hold on. Wait a minute. You’re implying Lewis is to blame for whatever happened to them. But we don’t know that.”

“You’re right.” Emma agreed “What are we gonna do, then?”

“Jesse. Brennan. I want you to go to the safehouse. Retrace Shalimar’s steps. But before… Emma.” Adam’s intense eyes travelled from the boys to Emma “I want you to try to connect with Shalimar.”

Emma nodded and took a deep breath to centre herself. She opened her eyes wide and stared at the floor.

Pain. Struggling. Shalimar tries to run away, but he is inside her. Green eyes. Break her walls and pierce the smoke curtains protecting her most sacred secrets. She is naked…

GET OUT!

“Emma! Are you all right?”

When Emma’s gaze cleared enough to see again her surroundings, she was lying on the floor, her head and back resting on Brennan’s chest.
“What happened?”

“You were out for a minute.” Adam’s face appeared in front of her eyes.

“Oh, my God, Adam!” Emma sat with a face full of panic “We have to find Shalimar. It’s Lewis… he’s inside her head… he’s hurting her.” The syonic’s eyes stared at Adam’s “He’s powerful. And dark. He knew I was there, and got me out.”

“All right, Emma, calm down.” Adam put his hand on her shoulder “We’ll find her.”

**

“Why are you doing this?”
Shalimar’s voice was weak. Her lips felt dry, and her tongue stuck out to moist them, but the relief was minimal. A few tugs were enough to prove the chains attached to her wrists and ankles that Lewis had used to tie her to the bed were in place.
“Be still or you’ll hurt yourself.”
Lewis had protected her skin putting pieces of cotton between her wrists and the chains. He hadn’t touched her otherwise. At least, not physically. He was sitting at the edge of the bed, watching her as if he feared that, if he got too close to her, she’ll vanish.
Shalimar let her head fall down on the pillow and refused to look at him.
“Why?” she repeated.
“Because it has to be this way.” Shalimar closed her eyes, as if in shooting the world out, she’d be able to shoot his voice out, too… “You are so beautiful… I’ve never met someone like you before.” Lewis spoke slowly, his voice like an icy caress “All my life… I’ve felt only the cold. I am telemphatic… but what nobody knows is that I can’t feel warm emotions. I’m just able to have a glimpse of them through other people. But I want to feel them… I need them, Shalimar. When I first met you… your passion, your fire… captivated me. I want to feel them fixed on me… experience every flame of yours. I can make you feel pleasure like you’ve never felt before, Shalimar Fox…”
“I want nothing from you.”
Lewis got closer to her, and stopped at once, somehow ashamed of himself.
“He is not for you.”
Shalimar opened her eyes “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Of course you do. I’m surprised you were able to bury your secret so deeply, that you’ve managed to hide it even from your sionic friend. But resistance was futile with me.”
Shalimar swallowed hard, but she forced herself to say: “I still don’t know what you mean.”
“Adam Kane” Shalimar was still with her face to the wall, her hair falling over her eyes, hiding them and the shadow that crossed them when Lewis pronounced that name “To love a man who doesn’t deserve you, who doesn’t understand your fire… that was a big mistake. But actually you don’t love him, do you? It’s all in your head, isn’t it, Shalimar?” Lewis stood and walked to the other side of the bed until he was in front of Shalimar’s hazel eyes. Shalimar tried to turn her head to the other side, but Lewis took her jaw in his hand, at the same time he bended towards her “Tell me, Shalimar, has he ever kissed you like a man kisses a woman whom he wants? Has he ever touched you as you want to be touched? He has not, and he will never do so. But I could: kiss you, touch you, make love to you better than anyone: to your body and to your soul. Take you father than you’ve ever dreamed of.”
A lonely tear rolled down Shalimar’s cheek, and Lewis followed its descent with his eyes, lost in thought “I know nothing that I say to you will ever take him out of your head. But there are other ways.” With his free hand, Lewis caressed her light hair, but took his hand away at once, as if it burned. “I could take you right now… but I’m not that brutish. It is more, much more what I want from you.” His hand applied more pressure on her jaw, forcing her to look at him in the eye “I won’t take your body until I have your soul.”

**

“We’ve found Shal’s comlink, Adam.” Jesse held the silver ring between his thumb and index finger as he spoke on his own comlink to inform Adam of the news. Brennan and Emma were checking the street, looking for clues of Shalimar’s whereabouts.
“There’s no sign of a fight. And that’s odd, being Shalimar who we’re talking about.” Brennan noticed.
“He could have surprised her and hit her unconscious with a sionic burst.” Emma pointed.
“It’s very possible.” Adam’s voice came high and clear thorough their comlinks “But how he took her is not important right now. We need to know where he took her.”
“Let me try contacting Shal again.”
“No, Emma. We don’t know what Lewis could do to you if he finds you there.”
“Adam’s right, Emma.” That was Jesse “It’s too dangerous.”
“Shal is in danger too. Besides, he might be good, but no sionic is able to remain in someone else’s mind forever. He has to rest. If I manage to contact Shalimar when he’s not there, we might be able to get something.”

There was a pause at the other side of the comlink. Then Adam’s answer came through it: “All right. But be careful. Guys, take care of her. And Emma, if you find Lewis there I want you to break the connection immediately.”
“Fine.” Emma took a deep breath and got herself ready to look for Shalimar.
Fear. Humiliation. But she is alone.
“I’ve got her. Lewis is not here.”
A basement. A bed. Water. A sound…
The connection broke and Emma raised her gaze to her friends, who were watching her expectantly.
“So?” Brennan asked.
“Shalimar is in some kind of basement, with no windows. I noticed some back noises… water tickling and…” Emma frowned “some strong vibrations, as if something… maybe a train… was passing near there.”
“A train?” Jesse repeated “What about the subway?”

“It could be.” Emma said.
“Great.” Brennan growled “That leaves us with… what? How many kilometres within the city? A thousand? Two thousand?”
“We’ve got a wet basement near a subway tunnel. We should start looking for her in concentric circles, starting from the place where you found Shalimar comlink.” Adam pointed from Sanctuary.
“But that could take us days!”
“Let’s start, then. I have an idea that could make our search easier, but I need to make some calculations.”

**

“Dammit!” Adam hit the lab table in front of him, hard. Emma knew he allowed himself that expression of his frustration just because he thought he was alone. He had been nothing but the cold, calm and collected man they were used to for the three days they had been looking for Shalimar. He had been probably the only one at Sanctuary who had managed to keep the cold façade. Even Emma was sick with guilt and worry, even if she was trying hard to follow Adam’s example and build some kind of façade. Because it was just that, a façade, a very good one. So good that the day before Brennan had accused Adam of not caring enough about Shalimar. The elemental mutant had lost his temper and called the biogenetist a ‘cold fish’ to whom Shalimar was nothing but ‘another mutant’. Adam had just stayed still, staring briefly at Brennan with dark, unreadable eyes, and then resumed his work. Jesse had brought Brennan out of the lab and they had left the older man, no reaction from his part, apparently. But Emma had felt it, his inner turmoil. The anger and hurt and worry and sadness, the mixed feelings, the intensity of them all. It was so strong Emma’s head hurt. And she decided she had to know, she had to make him talk before both their heads busted with the pressure of too many hidden feelings.
“Adam.” Her voice startled him a little, but he hid it well, as everything. Emma sighed “We have to talk.”
“Is there something new?” he looked sideways at her.
“No, nothing new.”
“Then sure it can wait. We have to concentrate on what’s important right now: find Shalimar.”
“This is important.” She insisted, calmly. He sighed and finally turned to address her.
“All right, what is it?”
“It’s about you.”
“I’m fine, Emma.”
“No, you’re not. You’re always listening to our complains, dealing with our problems. When one of us tells you he’s fine and he isn’t, you don’t accept it. Why should I accept you telling me you’re fine when you’re not? I felt it, Adam, yesterday. I felt how strong you feel about Shalimar.”
“I feel for her the same way I would feel for any of you in this situation.” He stated.
“It’s more that that.”
Adam sighed again, and raised a hand to rub tiredly at his forehead. “What do you want me to say, Emma?”
“The truth.”
“There is not such thing as ‘the truth’. There are many truths, as many as persons. Which one is what you want to hear, Emma? Brennan’s? Mine? Yours?”
Emma pierced him with her blue eyes “I know you’re not a fool. And I refuse to believe one of the most intelligent men alive fails to realize when he is in love with someone else.” At her words Adam turned his head from her, but she added “Look at me, Adam. Don’t lie to you.”
He did, but there was nothing in his eyes anymore. He had managed to hide it again.
“Don’t fool yourself, Emma. There are much more important things than feelings, especially right now. And unlikely you, some people don’t need to constantly rely on feelings to get the work done.” He said harshly, and then turned his back on her.
Emma narrowed her eyes at his tone. Of course he had meant is as an insult and a way to get her as far away from him as possible. She didn’t press the issue anymore, though. It wasn’t necessary. His eyes had remained cold, but she had felt his fear, his turmoil. Loving Shalimar wasn’t anything he would recognize any time soon, but deep inside of him, he certainly was aware of his feelings. Besides, he might not recognize them out loud, but he hadn’t denied them out loud, either.

**

It took a week and a half for them to find her. They had been mapping the territory, pointing at possible places where Lewis could have hidden Shalimar, but it was a slow, maddening job, and their uneasy frames of mind didn’t help to get the work done. It had been Adam who finally managed to think up a complicate satellite locator triggered by Shalimar’s DNA. They had attached it to the Double Helix and were finally able to locate her about 20 kilometres away from the place she had been kidnapped. Emma, Brennan and Jesse had come for her, while Adam had remained at Sanctuary to direct the operation. Of course Lewis had put up a fight, but they were three very angry mutants to one, and he had no chance to win. He had seemed to realize that because, to their amazement, he had killed himself in front of their eyes. How he had managed to do that, Emma didn’t know, but she suspected it had been some kind of inner sionic burst he had reverted on himself. A sort of self-destruction mechanism.

None of them really cared about Lewis’ sad ending. Emma would dare to say that not even the I-feel-nothing-but-compassion-for-all-these-poor-mutants Adam. Especially not after they got to know what he had done to Shalimar.

Once Lewis was a problem no more, they had found Shalimar in another room, unconscious and tied to a bed. They hadn’t been able to wake her up and through their comlinks Adam had told them not to try more desperate measures. So Brennan had carried her to the Helix and they had taken her to Sanctuary.

**
“Are you sure?” Emma bit her lip while staring at Shalimar’s unconscious form lying on the lab’s bed. Brennan and Jesse were at her side, all as close to their friend as they could without bothering Adam’s work.

“Yes, I am. This will help to wake her up without damaging.” Adam said as he held a hypospray in his raised hand. He approached Shalimar and injected the clear liquid into her neck. All of them stared expectantly at the feral mutant.

Shalimar moved a little and moaned. She blinked several times, then opened her eyes. The first one who came into her visual field was Emma.

“My head… It hurts.” She moaned, staring at her sionic friend. Emma smiled in relief and got to take her hand.

“It’s all right. I can get you something for the pain.” Adam’s voice was full of relief, too, and his mouth curved into a smile. But when Shalimar seemed to realize who that voice’s owner was, something very odd happened to her. The feral’s head turned slowly towards the voice, and as she met Adam’s eyes hers filled with something that could only be described as pure, unadulterated fear. Adam’s smile vanished as he registered the change in her. Then all happened very quickly. Shalimar jumped to the floor, yanking her hand from Emma’s hold, and ran to the farthest wall.

All of them stared at Shalimar and Adam in amazement. The feral had retreated to a corner of the room and in that moment it seemed she would have loved to be a molecular in order to vanish from the room through the wall. Adam stared at her, confusion and pain clear in his face.
“Shalimar?” he called in a low voice, but he made no attempt to approach her.
The feral shook her head, apparently as confused as the rest of them with her visceral reaction “I don’t know… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“It’s all right…” Adam stepped towards her, and immediately she retreated from him, even if the wall didn’t make possible for her to go any farther. He stood where he was, not sure of what to do next “Shalimar, It’s me. Adam.” He said softly, as if those four words alone had the power to vanish all her fears. They used to do that in the past. But apparently not anymore, Adam thought as he stared in disbelief at her.
Shalimar moved her head first to one side, then to the other. “I know…” she whispered “God, I know, but I can’t… please…” she didn’t seem sure of what she was asking for, but Adam understood. It was crystal clear, that she did not want him anywhere near her, and for the moment he could do nothing but humour her. Looking defeated, he retreated, retracing his own steps until he was at the lab’s door.
“It’s all right, Shalimar” he knew it wasn’t, so he added “It will be all right.” then he made a gesture to Emma, and she approached him “Start running the tests. You know how to do it. I’ll come by later to see the results. We’ll have to sedate her… you also know how to do that.” He turned, but Emma’s worried voice stopped him.
“Adam…”

“Do it, Emma.” He said without turning, then left the lab.
The sionic mutant turned her head to stare at her friends. Both Brennan and Jesse looked stunned. Then she met Shalimar’s eyes. She was still against the wall, and r the scared expression remained on her face. Emma walked to her and touched her arm.
“Hey.”
Shalimar returned her gaze, uncertainty clear on her eyes “What the hell is wrong with me?”
Emma shrugged, wishing she could give her an answer “I don’t know. But we will find out.” She looked at the guys again, and they understood the message she was sending and left the two women alone. Then Emma put an arm around Shalimar’s shoulders and guided her to the lab’s chair. The feral mutant didn’t resist, but after that she started to talk again.
“I don’t remember anything. Why?”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

Shalimar frowned in an effort to think better “I was with Lewis near the street where the safehouse was. After that…” she shook her head “Nothing.”
“It’s all right” Emma tried to reassure her, but Shalimar didn’t buy it.
“Would you guys please stop telling me that? I’m not stupid. I know it’s not all right, dammit!!” she broke a little and covered her face with her hands. Emma took one of her hands and held it between her own.
“We’re just trying to help.”
Shalimar took a breath, then nodded “I know. I’m sorry. But this is so frustrating… And Adam… God… I should go and tell him…”
“He knows this is not your fault.” Emma said softly.
“But he’s hurt. I never wanted to hurt him.” There was a tingle of pain in her voice, and Emma realized that no matter what Lewis had done to Shalimar, he had found the best way to damage deeply not just her, but Adam too. The worst thing one could do to destroy a perfect bond like the one Shalimar and Adam had was to make one hurt the other and not allow him or her to prevent it in any way, or even try to explain it.
“Let’s perform these tests, ok? They might give us some answers.”
Shalimar nodded and laid back on the bed to wait for Emma’s instructions. The sionic feral injected her neck with the sedative Adam had told her about and watched as Shalimar’s eyes closed and the pained woman fell quickly asleep.

**

“What did he do to her?”

Adam’s voice permeated simultaneously every pore of her skin, and Emma felt a shiver travelling through her body, from her toes to the last hair of her head. She didn’t need all her right hand’s fingers to count the times she had felt such darkness beneath the surface of words coming out from Adam’s mouth.
“I don’t know.” It was true. Shalimar’s mind was a mess. It was obvious Lewis had been there, and to force a new penetration so early after the ones he had performed could permanently damage her mind.
“Why? Why is she…?” so much darkness, centred mainly on Lewis. Maybe on himself, too. An almost agonic pain, Adam trying to suffocate his visceral reaction by any means. He didn’t understand. His voice trembled lightly, and that would be the only thing a ‘normal’ could be aware of, the only visible sign of his turmoil.
“I don’t know.”
“She is afraid of me. I want to know why.” Adam seemed to be talking more to himself than to Emma, but he suddenly turned his head and trapped her in his expressive brown eyes.
“I don’t know what to do.” She stated with a light shrug “She might not be able to remember because of some block Lewis could have put on her, but it might her own mind’s defence mechanism, and if that’s the case… she might not be ready to confront what he did to her. I’m afraid of hurting her…”
Adam seemed to hesitate for a moment, but he finally nodded to her. He lowered his head, a gesture full of desolation and defeat.

**

Asleep as she was, hair casually covering her face, she seemed younger than ever. More fragile. Incredible beautiful.
Adam sat carefully on Shalimar’s bed. Before she had gone to bed, he had told Brennan to give her a sedative. He knew she was having nightmares, and that she never remembered them afterwards. He also knew that sedating her was the only way for him to approach her these days. His attempts to face her on daylight were frustrating and disheartening. If Adam was less than six feet from her, Shalimar paled and started to hyperventilate. If he barely touched her, she transformed into a trapped animal. The panic in her yellow eyes was too much for Adam to cope with. It hurt him so much, to see her that way, and to know that, somehow, it was his fault.
His fault? It was Lewis’ fault. But she didn’t run away from Lewis. She didn’t avoid Lewis; she didn’t refuse Lewis’ touch as if it burned. Oh, he knew she didn’t understand it either. He had seen the pain, the impotence on her face. He had seen her trying to approach him, trying to walk past her fear, as she had once managed to walk into fire to save Emma’s life. But she didn’t get it this time. Every time it had ended with a wild run. She ran away, anyway, but far away from the lab. And from him.
A little voice in the back of his head whispered to him, telling him that watching her like he was doing now, without asking for her permission, was a violation of her privacy. It was wrong. But he needed something, anything to hold on or he would break. For years they had been so close. So close, before the others came and joined Mutant X. He had always taken that for granted, and now someone had stolen it from him. And there it was, as always, the guilt. Lewis might have hurt her, but Adam had given him the knife. He had let her go; even if he had known something was not quite right with her. He had betrayed her, putting her in Lewis’ hands. He had failed her, in spite of his promise. The promise he had made to a blonde, scared, wild fifteen years old girl. He had told her he would never, ever, fail her.
Adam’s lips trembled when they came in contact with the soft skin of Shalimar’s headhead. When he stepped back, as he looked at her one last time before leaving the room, he wondered if his mouth would taste bitter, and if she would felt a painful burn in the place where he had kissed her.

**

The last weeks had been like walking in her sleep. Like walking blind through Sanctuary’s corridors, hoping to be able to open her eyes anytime, and that then all would be the same as before.
But the same as before, as when? Before Lewis? Before Gabriel Ashlock’s path crossed with Mutant X’s one, at the same time their new mutations started to show? Like before Emma and Brennan? Like before Jesse?
For the last days, Shalimar had been thinking a lot of the old times, when her whole life was that man with curly hair and a warm smile. She remembered clearly her adolescent phase of rebelliousness, their confrontations, she screaming at him, to end crying hard in his arms, his lips on her hair. She remembered talking to him of all that crossed her mind, because she didn’t have anyone else to speak with, but also because he listened to her like no one had ever done before, like every word she said was important to him. She remembered how she had grown up into a young woman able to appreciate the intensity and concentration in his eyes when he worked on the lab, or the form of his body beneath those stylish suits he used to wear. She remembered how she had wanted to kiss him, wanted to know how his lips tasted like, those lips able to say her name, Shalimar, and making it sound like a caress. She remembered how she had felt that odd shiver while thinking of those lips whispering her name to her ear, touching the skin on her neck.
When Shalimar was old enough to acknowledge those feelings as inappropriate, she had tried to suppress them by all means. Then Jesse came, and she had another reason to hide those feelings –he needed so much her love, someone who cared for him -, and his presence and his friendship had made things easier. Then Brennan and Emma came, and they filled Sanctuary and her life with colours and noise. Adam was still there, but it was easy for her to forget it when she spent the evenings chatting with Emma or fighting with Brennan.
Strangely enough, it had been the physical attraction between Brennan and her what had lighted up her feelings for Adam. She knew Brennan wanted her; as a feral she could feel his calling in her blood, but it wasn’t enough for her to go for it. Because Brennan wanted more than a sexual relationship, and she wasn’t sure she would be able to give it to him. She had given her body sometimes before, and her heart not so often, but she felt unable to give both things at the same time. She suspected it was because deep inside her soul she knew there was only a person she wanted to give them to. And that person had no idea.
Sometimes it was hard, but she managed to get through it. To ask for no more than the relationship Adam and her had right then. He was still the most important person for her in the whole world, the person who knew her better, the one she trusted the most. Her sanctuary and her friend, with whom she could talk about anything. Except, of course, about boththemthem.
But then Lewis appeared and he took from her the only thing she thought she would always have: Adam’s trust. She didn’t even know how, or why. The only thing she was sure of was that before Lewis, being close to Adam was like walking on the beach on a clear evening, and now she was barely able to tolerate him approaching her. It was torture, wanting to be close to him and not being able to, the pain in his eyes when he saw she wasn’t able to tolerate his presence, much less his touch.
She neededknowknow what Lewis had done to her, at least know why the only thing she had had for granted in her life was disintegrating with every step she took. But Emma insisted she didn’t want to hurt her. She wanted her to remember for herself, she said it would be better for her. Better her ass. Fuck, she was going to end nuts if they didn’t do anything. She was tired of waiting.
“Emma.” Shalimar stepped into the doho with sure step. The sionic mutant was there reading peacefully “I wanna do it know.”
Emma raised her eyes from her novel and stared at her, unfocused “Do what?”
“The proceeding you told me about.”
Emma’s face lit up and she started to move her head “Shal…”
“Now, Emma. It is my mind, and I wanna take the risk. I can’t stand it anymore.” The desperation was clear in her voice. She projected it in violent, unexpected bursts which hit Emma’s head forcefully.
“We’ve got to ask Adam first.”
“Do it yourself. Please. I’ll wait here.”
Emma stared at her for a moment, then nodded “All right.”

**

She had been laying on that bed lots of times before. Thousands of medical tests over the years. He had always been there to heal her bruised wrist or her broken ankle. But that time was different, because it was Emma standing at her side. Shalimar turned her head to reach Adam with her eyes. He was staring at her through the glass wall, out of the lab. He seemed sad… frustrated… and worried.
“Everything will be all right.” Shalimar turned her head again to meet Emma’s soft eyes “Now I’ll send you a sionic blast to calm you. Then Adam will enter the lab to check the monitors. I’ll attach the machine to your head and another blast will turn it on.”
“The machine will turn into pictures all that happened to me.”
“Or what you think happened.” Emma pointed.
Shalimar took a deep breath and then nodded “I’m ready.”
From his place, at the other side of the glass, Adam was aware of the very instant when Shalimar gave up her conscience of place and time. He however hesitated when it was his turn to enter the lab, and remained where he was until Emma’s voice called him.
Adam slowly approached the bed. The metallic machine was pressing Shalimar’s temples. Her eyes were closed. Adam stared at her for a moment, then he turned to the control panel and started to press buttons.
“Ready?”

“When you are.” Emma didn’t need to be asked twice. A blast of light came from her forehead to hit Shalimar’s, and the monitor came to life.

**

Shalimar made a sound, like a cat’s whimper, and opened her eyes. She was so tired… Maybe Lewis had given her some kind of drug. She couldn’t possibly know. She wasn’t even able to calculate how much time she had been there. She carefully looked around her. He wasn’t there. He had left her alone. She had to take that chance, she had to try…
The chains’ metallic sound that she heard when she tried to move her arms made her remember the exact situation she was in. If she could find a way to open the chains… Shalimar turned her agile body over the bed, trying to reach the small table next to her, but the sound of steps coming from the other side of the door prevented her from going further. She lay again on the bed and waited, still…
The door opened, and instead of Lewis, another man entered…

“Adam! About time you found me.” Her voice was hoarse, and she swallowed, trying to make it clearer “Do you have the key?”
Adam remained quiet. He approached the bed slowly, all the way staring at the female figure laying helpless on its surface.
Shalimar frowned “Adam?”

“I’m right here, Shalimar.” Adam sat on the bed, his thigh touching the feral’s leg, and he brushed some locks of hair away from her face. His hand trembled a little “Everything will be all right.”
“That’s great. But take this out of me, please.” She asked, shaking the chains.
“Not yet.” Adam’s eyes travelled over her face and down her neck to stop at the beginning of the small top she was wearing.
“Adam, what’s wrong?” Shalimar started to worry. But instead of answering, the genetist raised a hand to caress her cheek.
“You are so beautiful.”
Shalimar opened her eyes wide “What… what did he do to you? It’s Lewis, wasn’t he?”
Adam lowered his head until his lips were centimetres apart from Shalimar’s face, and when he spoke, she could feel his breath on her skin “I want you.” His hand travelled down her neck, over her arm, to cup a round, firm breast “All this years, I’ve always wanted you…” he roughly pinched her nipple until it became erect.
“Adam, please, stop it. This isn’t you.” Shalimar tried to get away from him, but the chains prevented her from going very far.
“Oh, but it is me. You’ve always seen me just the way you wanted. A hero up a pedestal. But that’s your picture of me, no who I am. This is the real me, Shalimar: just a man. A man who has needs… whose instincts demand to be sated…”
Shalimar closed her eyes. That was not happening. She didn’t know what Lewis had done to Adam… but he definitely was not himself. That Adam was more like the man Charlotte had once turned him into. He wasn’t the Adam she knew and…
“You want me too, don’t you?” his breath caressed her cheek as his hand reached her stomach to slid under her top “I know you so well… I can give you exactly what you want.”
Adam raised himself to a sitting position and Shalimar’s eyes opened just in time to see how her shirt was torn apart with a quick pull of his hand. His gaze stared hungrily at her naked breasts.
“Adam, no. Please.” Her eyes filled with tears and searched for his. He returned her gaze, but there was no compassion there. No caring. Nothing.
“Be a good girl and don’t make this harder.”
Shalimar rested her head on the pillow and let her tears fall freely over her cheeks. Adam had one of her nipples between his teeth and was nibbling at her to the point of pain “I know ferals like it rough.” Shalimar closed her eyes again and tried to remain oblivious to the hand unbuttoning her jeans and pulling them down her legs, followed by her panties. Oblivious to the fingers forcing their way inside her, touching, discovering.
“Open your eyes.” He said then, but Shalimar ignored him.
His fingers pinched her cheeks, forcing a reaction from her “Open them and look at me!” she obeyed then, staring at Adam’s dark pupils. There were his eyes –the same colour, the same shape –but they were not –didn’t have his warmth, the tenderness and caring she used to find in Adam’s eyes when he looked at her.
Adam’s hands went to his own pants. He unzipped them and let them fall to his feet. With a thick, hard erection in his hand, he approached her.

“Please, don’t do this.” She begged, but knew it was futile.
“Don’t close your eyes.” He warned her, as he spread her thighs with his hands and put the tip of his cock to her opening. Shalimar felt its warmth and hardness, felt Adam’s weight as he lowered himself over her body, and the need to close her eyes was overwhelming. But she kept them open. She kept them open to show her pain when he pushed into her unwelcoming body, hurting her, and kept them open all the time while he pounded repeatedly into her. The tears pouring from her eyes blinded her, and only when he finally emptied himself into her, she allowed herself to close her eyelids. The last thing she felt before passing away were rough lips coaxing open her own, an eager tongue raping her mouth as her mentor, her friend, the person she loved more than anything in the world, had just raped her body.
In a corner of the room, Lewis smiled.
She was one step closer to be his.

**

“Oh my God.”
Adam heard Emma’s gasp, but was unable to tear his eyes away from the monitor. The last frame was still there, frozen. Shalimar’s naked body and his own, after he had… no, not him. But yes, for her it had been him.
“Adam.” The genetist almost jumped when he felt Emma’s hand on his shoulder “Adam, it’s all…”
“No, it’s not.” He punched a button and the monitor went dark. Even with his back turned to her, he was aware of Emma approaching the bed, and then he remembered. She was awake. Now she knew everything. And she also knew that they –he –had seen it all. He turned slowly. Shalimar’s face was in her hands, her long, blonde hair falling over her features, covering them from his eyes. Emma was at her side, not knowing what to do, what to say. Adam watched her trying, a hand barely touching her shoulder, but Shalimar was away from her even before skin came in contact with skin.

Emma’s blue eyes searched his, asking for help, begging him to do something. Adam shook his head. If he couldn’t approach her before, now…

She needed to be alone. And so did he. Adam shook his head again and returned Emma’s gaze with the blankness of his before leaving the lab.

**

Without three of its five daily inhabitants, Sanctuary seemed suddenly a cold, arid place. While Shalimar was around her friends, it was easier for her to forget the helplessness and guilt Lewis had aroused on her. When she hadn’t remembered the elaborate fantasy that sick bastard had manipulated her mind with, the guilt had been like a dark hole in the pit of her stomach, something without a form or a sense. Disturbing, but not as disturbing as knowing what had actually happened to her. She had put herself on that situation. She had forced that knowledge of of herself. The guilt then had been like a mark forged in her forehead, a mark remembering her of her odd feelings. It was wrong to feel that way towards him. She had always known, of course, but now it was darker, more terrible, more pathetic. And shaming to no more, because now he also knew it. Adam Kane had become a forced confident to her secret. A secret she had been able to keep even from herself, until then.

When she knew, she wanted to hide. All her instincts were telling her to run. So she ran.

He had found her first, on her bedroom. He had asked her permission to enter, and as she had just shrugged, he had decided to take the initiative. He had apologized to her. But that wasn’t the question. There was nothing to forgive. He had done nothing. He was Lewis’ victim as much as she was. The sick bastard had also used him. Both of them knew that truth. Now that they knew, they should have been able to move over it and keep going. But Shalimar could not. She couldn’t even look at his face. She seldom came out of her room anymore. He had never come back to pay her a visit, and Shalimar knew why. He wanted to give her time and space. But she also knew that one day Adam would consider she was ready, and then he would confront her again, and that time there would be no turning back. He wouldn’t stop for anything. Shalimar wanted to take the first step before that happened. She had spent her days and nights trying to convince herself that she could do it. But she was starting to think she would never be ready.

That night, when Emma had told her the boys and she were going out to dance, and had asked her to join them, Shalimar had said no. Yeah, she was sure she didn’t wanna go. Emma hadn’t seemed convinced, but she didn’t add anything else. Shalimar wondered how much her own feelings of determination, nervousness and fear had told Emma of what she planned to do once she was alone with Adam at Sanctuary. She suspected it was more than she would have liked to show.

At some point after the others had left Shalimar decided to come out of her bedroom’s refuge. She walked quietly through Sanctuary’s lonely corridors till she found the lab. She knew he will be there. His back was to her. Shalimar watched him for a moment, studying the way his back’s muscles worked through the white shirt he was wearing every time he moved his arms. She hesitated while deciding whether or not to show her presence. It made her feel secure, to know he had no idea of her being right behind his back, to know she could take him by surprise and have him immobilized in a second. She also knew her advantage would vanish the moment she felt his hazel eyes on her.

“Hi.”

Adam jumped a little, startled, and turned to look at her, surprise clear on his face for a moment. Then he adopted a calm expression and his eyes smiled to her “Hi.”

“Working hard?” Shalimar tried to star a conversation, as she forced herself to walk a little more into the lab, not quite approaching him, but no moving away, either.

“Not really. Just a few data to check.”

“If I’m interrupting…”

“No!” Adam stepped forward, but stopped far enough from her. He didn’t mean it to sound so harsh, and the next time he spoke his voice was much quieter “No. Of course not.” He opened his arms wide and smiled “I’m glad you’re here.”

Shalimar nodded and walked carefully to the bed in the centre of the lab. She touched its surface with her hand to feel leather’s soft, nice texture. It also gave her the opportunity to look at something else than him.

“How are you?”

Shalimar raised her eyes, shrugged and lowered her gaze again to the bed.

“Better. I guess.”

“You guess?”

“Yes. I…” Shalimar shook her head and sighed “Actually, I’m fine. There’s no reason to feel otherwise.”

“You know there is reason.”

“No! Dammit” Shalimar’s fist hit the leather surface, hard “None of that happened. It’s just on my head.”
halihalimar” Adam took a few steps in her direction “It’s real for you. Lewis wanted it to feel real for you. It’s perfectly normal for you to feel that way.”

Shalimar pinned him with her gaze, lit with a sudden fire “That way? You have no idea of how I feel.”

“I can just imagine what you’re been through. But I’d like to know more. I’d like you to tell me more.” He answered softly.

She said no with her head.

“I know you’re embarrassed.” He pointed. That made her look up.

“You’re damn right I am.” She muttered through her teeth.

“I understand. But you shouldn’t feel that way around me.” Adam came a little closer, staring at her. “You never did before.”

“You never saw me naked and tied to a bed before. Never saw me… you…” her voice broke and she averted her gaze.

“It wasn’t you. It wasn’t me. It was all a mind game.”

“You don’t understand.” She shook her head, showing her frustration.

“Then make me understand. Talk to me, Shalimar.” She shivered as he pronounced her name. That voice of his, she had never been able to deny him anything when he used it with her. She looked up to see him standing very much closer, about two feet away from her. Warning bells started to sound in her head.

“I can’t.”

“You can’t or you won’t?”

She sighed “Adam, please…”

“Seeing you this way, retreating from me every time I try to make things better… Seeing you in such pain, it breaks my heart.”

She stared at him, surprised. Adam wasn’t a man who used to show his feelings. In fact, he used to bottle them up pretty well. Listening to his open confession was very shocking, and she knew it hadn’t been easy for him to tell her that. She swallowed hard and sighed again.

“Do you… do you have any idea why he chose you to… hurt me?” Shalimar found his gaze with hers while asking the question, but then she broke contact.

“Because he knew I’m important to you. As you are to me. But that’s nothing new. You do know how much do you mean to me, Shalimar. I know you do, even if we don’t talk about it very often.” Adam took the few steps that kept him away from her and raised a hand towards her. Shalimar stared at his hand, raised in the air, watching how it slowly came down to cover hers, resting on the bed. His skin was warm, soft. It was the first, direct, conscious physical contact they have had in weeks, and Shalimar closed her eyes, bracing herself for the sickness, the panic, the need to run. But they didn’t come, and he didn’t touch her in any other way. Just his hand on top of hers, still, protective, remembered her of them being closer to each other in that moment than in the last month.

“I know you worry about me, as you would worry about any other member of the team.” She muttered.

Shalimar’s gaze was still staring at their touching hands, so she couldn’t see how Adam’s expression got sweeter, opened up as he watched her with infinite tenderness.

“That’s what I say to myself.” He muttered, almost to himself. But it was enough for Shalimar to search for his eyes and found in them the same warmth she had felt on his voice.

“What?”

“Shalimar. We’ve been together longer than I can remember. How can you think you’re just another member of the team for me?”

“It’s the right thing to think, isn’t it? I mean… to hold the team’s balance.”

“We don’t always act the same way we feel.”

“I usually do.”

“But not always.” He stated firmly.

Shalimar stared at him, puzzled. When had they started to talk in key? Something told her that Adam was implying more than the obvious in his last sentence. But he couldn’t possibly know… could he? He wasn’t stupid. He might at least suspect which feelings the people closest to him had towards him.

“What do you mean?”

Adam’s hand barely moved to caress hers “I once told you not to let your animal instincts be stronger than your reason. And usually you don’t let them.”

“Because it’s the right thing to do.” She stated, trying to sound secure.

“Sometimes it is.” He said with a smile “And sometimes it isn’t.”

Shalimar frowned at him “Now I’m confused. Why don’t you try speaking clear for once? Sometimes I believe I know you so well, and then I realize there’s something new you’ve been hiding from me, another secret I knew nothing about…”

Adam was still smiling, but nodded “Ask me. Is there something special you wanna know at this moment?”

Shalimar searched for his gaze, decided to hold onto his during her question and his answer this time “How do you see me?”

Adam’s smile was replaced by a puzzled expression “In what sense?”

“Do you still see me as a girl? As the teenager you found years ago?”

His eyes shined when he realized in which direction her question was pointing “Of course not.”

“Then, what do you see when you look at me?” she insisted, her eyes piercing, but so vulnerable Adam thought some parts of her did remember him of that girl. Some parts, but not the most important ones.

“I see a beautiful, strong woman whom I am very proud of.”

“Proud.” He could hear the disappointment on her voice.

“Yes. An incredible, brave, smart woman, who has been the most important person for me for years. A woman who makes me believe that maybe not all that I did in the past was wrong.”

“Don’t start that…”

“I won’t. But I wanted to tell you… I should have told you before… when Lewis had you abducted… The possibility of not being able to find you in time crossed my mind. And I couldn’t stand the idea of losing you.”

Shalimar’s eyes filled with tears. And for the first time she moved her hand, trapped under his, so both of their hands were palm to palm, fingers entangled.

“He chose you… chose you because he wanted me” she bit her lip, her voice trembling “He did it because he desired me, and looked inside of me and saw what I feel for you. He was jealous, he wanted me to feel the same for him, and that’s why…”

“Shhh” Adam’s other hand went to her shoulder and he held her to him “It’s all right…”

Shalimar let him hold her. After a moment, she returned his embrace, hugging him hard and hiding her face on his shoulder. Adam let her cry. One of his hands caressed her back reassuringly in soft, up and down movements, and the other entangled itself in her hair.

“It’s all right. Everything will be fine.”

“No.” Shalimar raised her head and rested a hand on his chest so she could look up at him “There’s something else you don’t know. He didn’t… He hurt me not just by destroying my trust in you. He used my own feelings against me. And he could do it because it was true… even if it hurt, it was true that all of that was only in my head.”

“What are you talking about?”

“He said… said you didn’t see me that way. Like a woman.”

His eyes shined with surprise. But at the same time he understood, maybe for the first time, an aspect of Lewis’ torture to Shalimar that he didn’t consider important enough before.

“He told you that. And you thought he was right. That what he was trying was somehow justified.” His hand sank in her hair, holding her head to force her eyes to his “But it wasn’t. My God, Shalimar…”

“I’m sorry…”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about.”

“I don’t… don’t want to make things worse. Could you… I mean… forget it all? I think I could… like before. So everything…”

“Maybe I don’t want to.” He cut her, and his free hand caressed her cheek softly, wetting his thumb with her tears “You were right. I do keep secrets.” And then he kissed her.

The suddenness of it made her gasp, and he took the opportunity to deepen the kiss, expertly sucking her tongue into his mouth. Shalimar just stood there, trying to reconcile the calm, stoic man she had known for years with the passionate, obviously skilled kisser making love to her mouth. One of his hands held her head firmly in place as the other moved down her back to rest just above her bottom. She let him took control and then the flashes started. Images dam dam looking evilly at her, of him in top of her body. She pushed him with such force she sent him flying to the other side of the room. He hit the wall with a thumb, but remained standing. She stood there, breathless, a wild, scared look on her face.

“This is wrong.” She said, and ran away, leaving him stunned and speechless.

**

Adam remained still where she had left him. Lost in thought and giving his body time to recover from what had just happened.

It had finally happened. He had crossed the line he had promised himself not to cross, ever. He had kissed her.

And the taste of her lips, the texture of her mouth… her body against his… God. The tightness between his thighs matched a tightness of another kind somewhere in his chest. The pang of guilt. He felt guilty for wanting her and not being able to hide it from her. Guilty because showing it to her he was dragging her along to a place he wasn’t willing to share: his personal inferno. When he watched her laughing with Emma, Brennan and Jesse, all so young, so naïve, even if things had not been easy for any of them… But they were young, strong, healthy, and had many years ahead of them, many years to discover all that life could offer them. He, on the other hand, was coming back from everything. He had made mistakes and was trying to compensate them as best as he could. He expected no more from life. He deserved no more.

Shalimar deserved someone better, someone who could offer her a future, clean eyes to look ahead. His eyes weren’t able to look at nothing but the past. To act on his desire would mean to condemn her, and Adam couldn’t do that. He would never forgive himself if he did.

**

The first thing she did once in her bedroom was to lock the door. She didn’t know why, but it made her feel better, at least for a while. Then, as she was sitting on her bed, her feet propped up on the mattress and holding her knees tightly to her chest, it seemed an incredible stupid thing to do, and she felt ashamed. How could she be afraid of Adam? What did she expect him to do? Run after her? Hit the door? Throw it back? Storm in her bedroom, go to her, throw her onto the mattress and rape her? Holly God! That one wasn’t Adam. He wasn’t the dark shadow that lived in her nightmares. She remembered every move, every smell; however it wasn’t him, but the result of a sick mind.

Adam would never force her to do something she didn’t want to. But before, in the lab… she had wanted him both to stop and to go on. All those years dreaming about that… trying to forget her dreams of him… someone in her mind trying to convince her that it couldn’t be real… that it would just be pain… nightmares… and he was suddenly real, touchable, alive under her lips, over her body, against her tongue…

For an agonic second she had seen the shadow and had wanted it to stop. But at the same time she knew that man was Adall all of him different, alive, and she had wanted it to go on. Now that she knew he also felt something for her, she was sure he would feel to something like an inner fight between duty –honour –and his desires. They might be able to fight it together… or to decide together if fighting was worth it.

TBC on part 2