DRIVE

Title: DRIVE

By : Phoenix Ghost

Rating: Adults Only

Category: Fanfiction

Characters: Justin Taylor, Brian Kinney, Other Male Character(s), Daphne Chanders, Debbie Novotny, Michael Novotny, Emmett Honeycutt, Ted Schmidt, Lindsay Peterson, Melanie Marcus, Gus, Cynthia, Other female Character, Jennifer Taylor, Craig Taylor, Molly Taylor

Genre: AU, Drama, General/Misc. Angst/Romance

Warnings: Slightly Canon at first, but then it changes because I have Brian going to NY alone to find Justin. This story takes place right after Brian has found Justin in that Chelsea NY Motel. Then it flips and spins into an AU, with graphic language & violence. Very OOC, very Anti-Michael, implied Justin/Other, with very graphic sexual descriptions in some Chapters.

Summary: What or, ''Who' Drives you? Strap yourself in as the past slams into the present.

Disclaimer: All Characters and situations from Queer as Folk are the properties of Russell T. Davies, Ron Cowen and Daniel Lipman, (Cowlip) Showtime, and others No Copyright infringement has been intended by this author or this website This story has been invented for entertainment purposes only and has been rated by the author, and not by any independent body.

A/N: In real life, I've been to NY. I got to experience it for a full week. It was one of the most exciting experiences of my life! Btw, all mistakes are my own as I have decided not to have a beta for this fandom any longer.

*Song references: ''DRIVE' By: INCUBUS

"The lyric is basically about fear, about being driven all your life by it and making decisions from fear. It's about imagining what life would be like if you didn't live it that way."

INCUBUS Lead singer, Brandon Boyd.

By the way, In the Season One and Episode 10 of the QaF series, in the NY hotel scene when Justin is standing there dressed only in that large white bathrobe bravely fighting to hold back the tears as he's pouring out his heart by trying to tell Brian how no one wants him, the look of his innocent vulnerability and implied defeat is what sparked this fic. I just thought, "Hmm, I wonder, what if?"

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CHAPTER 1


In a New York Motel, Brian Kinney has caught up with his young lover and runaway charge, Justin Taylor

"Fuck, I reek!" Declared 29 year old Brian Kinney as he slowly rolled his sated and nude body over in the large bed.

Sitting up on the edge of the snowy white sheet covered mattress, he held up one slim arm and took a small whiff.

"Whew! I'm gonna go take that shower now."

A slight grimace etched his beautiful features as he informed that fact to his errant young lover, 17 year old Justin Taylor as they both got up and walked around to the front of the large bed.

A bed that they had just shared a pleasurable and mind blowing sexual experience in.
"Mmm, I love the way you smell." Justin murmured softly, stepping up close and wrapping his slender arms around Brian's slim waist as he stood on tip-toe and buried his face in his lovers neck causing their hardening cocks to gently brush against each other.
Looking up into Brian's expressive honey-hazel eyes, he reached one small hand down between their sweaty bodies and lightly stroked just the tops of their shafts with his slender fingertips as he blinked his long sandy lashes and softly purred,
"Would you like some company then?"

Brian looked down into the lust-filled smoky-blue orbs of his insatiable younger lover as he slowly shook his head. "As tempting as your offer is Sunshine, you know I've promised Deb that I'd get your sweet little bubble-butt home safe and sound and back into her mother hen embrace asap."

'More like choke hold' They both thought.

As Justin softly snorted his displeasure at being reminded yet once again of their age difference, and of his impending fate once he returned to Pittsburgh, PA, he quickly pushed away from Brian.

Turning his nude slender body in a pissy huff, Justin paused, then slowly reached down to his bag, attempting to yet again tempt his older lover with his ample ass-ets.

Realizing that Brian was not going to comply to his whim and charms, he loudly sighed, then began pulling out some clothes to start dressing.

'Fuck taking a shower!' He angrily thought sitting down heavily on the edge of the messed up bed slamming first one foot and then the other into his tan cargo pants.

Now standing to draw them up and over his slim hips, after zipping them up then fastening the button, he's decided to forgo one in the hopes that their combined sexual scents would somehow make the older man desire him so badly that he'd soon change his mind and let him continue living at the loft they once shared. Yeah, it's a silly long shot, but, for the moment, it's all Justin's got. After sitting back down again to pull on his socks and then to tie his tennis shoes, Justin stood up, determined to make his older lover listen to him.

Brian adjusted his hardening cock at the oh so round, firm and tempting sight and sighed loudly, as he held onto his determination to do right by the boy.

Debbie Novotny had thoroughly chewed Brian a new asshole the day before and then once again long distance, as she made him finally see what he'd secretly known all along.
Biting his bottom lip, he mused as he rubbed the bridge of his nose in frustration.

'She was right though. Justin deserved so much more. More than I can or want to give to him for now. And, as hard as it is for him, for me, for us, it's what's right. And, I have to stop being a selfish asshole, and do the right thing, no matter how much I feel it's wrong. Maybe, after he's a bit older, we could have something, or not.'

Justin turned around and opened his perfect pink mouth to protest once more about the unfairness of it all, and to proclaim yet once again of his innocence about the alarm that he was certain he'd set, and to voice once more of his displeasure at being forced to live somewhere that was not Brian's loft.

But, before he could suck in another breath to bitch about even one more thing, Brian steadily looked at him with that 'don't fuck with me look', as he quietly said, "Get your shit together and ready by the time I'm finished." Brian firmly told Justin.

And, from the look in his hazel eyes, the young boy knew from his meagre past experiences with the 'King of Liberty Avenue', that was the end of the subject.
The older man was serious. Very. Serious.

Justin wanted to scream and rant about the unfairness of it all. He and Brian had just shared the most amazing, mind blowing sexual romp yet of their non-relationship, relationship. *Because, Brian Kinney didn't do relationships 'Ah, but, he told himself smugly, 'Brian Kinney doesn't *go after anyone either* 'So, I must be very special to him! Wow I made the stud of Liberty Avenue give a shit.' Justin thought in wonder, as he watched his older lover, from under his lashes.

Justin tried, but he couldn't suppress the wide grin that quickly had become his trademark Sunshine smile, at the mere thought of what he'd accomplished.

Noticing the boys' shit eating grin, Brian couldn't help it and he grinned right back at Justin.
Brian’s grin though got wider as the boy squeaked from the hearty smack his pert ass had just received as he passed Justin on his way to the bathroom.

But, Justin wasn't finished with him yet.

Brian Kinney was such a complicated and stubborn man.

He had so many questions that he needed answers to. Right. The. Fuck. Now. Taking a deep breath, he took his tall sexy Kinney Bull by the proverbial horns, touching his hand to the firm forearm when he said, "So, does this mean we'll still um, you know, get to, ah, you know, see each other and 'stuff'?" He felt himself blush as he shyly awaited Brian's answer.

Brian bit his lip, and looked away as he coolly said, "Look, Justin, can we talk about this 'stuff' another time? I really need a shower, and I was hoping to take a small nap before we have to head back to the Pitts. You flew here in a plane, but, believe me, it is a damn long drive."

Justin couldn't see it, but he felt the disappointment seep into his body, numbing his heart, mind, and soul as the meaning behind those icy words fell onto his subconscious as it numbed his thoughts.

Brian didn't need to say any more, Justin could tell by his body language that was screaming out to him, ' Face it, we're SO over kid!"

Justin lowered his head for a moment as he slowly let his hand slip off of Brian's arm.
Looking back up at him, Justin managed to plaster on his face a big fake plastic sunshine smile as he said, "Sure Brian, no problem, another time will be just swell."

Forcing himself to yawn and not scream and pull his hair instead, even though his heart was breaking, Justin happily chirped on, "Yeah, I um know what you mean! Hey, I'm just gonna watch some TV for a bit until you're finished with your shower, then take my own, then wow, sure Brian, a nap sounds super great! Then maybe we can stop by the Arches on the way out of NY?" He wheedled hopefully, batting his long sandy lashes.

Brian then looked down at him, catching the last of Justin's act. Because he could see through the teens thick bullshit and not miss the disappointment swimming along with the tears in the boy's bright baby blues.

Justin Taylor was so sweet. With a smile that could melt the coldest heart. And the boy was so beautiful, and smart, and...But, no sooner have those thoughts registered, Debbie's loud and abrasive voice have chased away any hopes of finding a workable solution for the doomed what-ever-the-fuck feelings he'd had about the boy.

Feelings Brian’s been fighting since he first laid eyes on the small blond boy surrounded by a surreal mist, standing like a lost angel, as his bright blue eyes looked straight into Brian's eyes and leaned nonchalantly under that Liberty street light, the night Brian's son Gus was born.

Wincing, he re-played the embarrassing conversation he'd held at the fiery red head's home the day before.

With his head throbbing and his ears hurting, Brian had listened to Debbie screech and bray, "Kinney, you little asshole, he's just a kid! He's not even finished High School yet you little pervert! Shame on you! What if it were Gus, huh? Just how would you feel if it were your young 17 year old teenage son sleeping and fucking some almost 30 year old man? Shit, no wonder Justin's dad hates you so much! If someone had treated my Mikey, the way you've treated Sunshine, I'd of wanted to kick their ass too! No, no more back talk, you my dear are going to drive to NY and you are not to come back home until you have found Sunshine! When you bring him back, Justin will move into here with me and Vic, I already have made room for him in Michael's old room and I have a bus boy job waiting for him too. This way, he can have some spending money of his own and also pay you back for the charges on your credit card, because you are NOT going to press charges against that poor boy! Are you listening to me Kinney?!"

But, Brian was up and already moving toward the front door, fearing that if he didn't get away from her, he'd turn into Jack, his abusive drunk of a sperm donor, without the benefit of any alcohol to spur on his anger.

He wanted to scream at her and say that she had no idea of just how cruel and cold Craig Taylor actually was, and that no one, and especially not sweet and loveable Justin deserved to be forced to live under the roof of such a hateful homophobe!

He wanted to shout that he didn't know how he would feel if in the future, god-forbid, Gus fell in love with an older man! And, he wanted to yell, that his and whateverthefuck he and Justin were to each other, or were slowly becoming to one another was none of hers' or anyone else's fucking business!

And, at her last spiteful words, it took everything he had in him not to pick her up and shake her until her god-awful red wig fell off, for even suggesting that he would harm one silky hair on Justin's pretty blond head!

He'd heard enough rumors as to what happened to boys like Justin in prison, and as soon as the hateful comment to send Justin there had left Michael's big whiney mouth, it had taken everything Brian had, not to ram those fucking words right back down his so-called best friend's fucking throat!

Standing there by Debbie's front door, his hand on the door knob held so tightly he remembered seeing his fingers turn white, as her hurtful words had been fodder enough to ignite the fuckin' inferno inside his mind as a deep shame and something he had no idea the name of covered him.

Naw, it couldn't be regret, could it?

Brian Kinney didn't do regret.

But, then, Brian Kinney had never gone after anyone either.

Fuck this, and fuck them. He'd find Justin and try and figure out this fucked up mess, and maybe, just maybe...

Before he had slammed the front door shut, he quietly said "Later", even though there was so much more he wanted to say, so much more he wanted to throw back in her smug face, but didn't dare.

And now, here they were, alone in this NY hotel.

Brian wanted so many things from Justin and yet he didn't know how to voice his needs to the teen. Hell, if the truth be known, he really had no clue as how to process his many confused feelings about himself and Justin to himself even.

So, how could he expect the 17 year old to even understand, if he himself, the so called adult, could not?

Doing what he did best, he opted to just pacify the boy by selling him the goods.

Once back in the Pitts, they could maybe work out all of the rest. "Sure Sunshine, whatever you want." Brian smirked, messing up the blond's silky hair as he made his way to the bathroom, and to the safety of the shower.

Closing the bathroom door, he leaned his back against it, and let out a huge sigh, before stepping inside of the shower/tub.

Justin stood there until he heard the door close and the shower start.

At the same time, he could of sworn another door slammed shut as well.

But, unlike the external one of the bathroom, this one was internal, and it belonged to his heart.

Those sounds made his split second decision to turn to his Plan 'B.' Plan 'A' had been to seduce Brian into letting him live at the loft again. Justin snorted lightly, 'Yeah, like that had really worked.'

Within minutes he was packed and ready to go.

But, he wouldn't be leaving in the Jeep with the 'God' in the shower.

After scribbling down a hasty note for his soon-to-be-just-a-memory older lover, Justin then took a deep breath as he bent down and lifted Brian's wallet from the back of the man's discarded jeans pocket and quickly began to thumb through it.

He was surprised to find a picture of himself along side a picture of the baby.
Carefully he removed the small photo of Gus and placed it and the cash inside his own wallet.

He knew it was silly, but, ever since the night the child had been born, Justin had felt just as much of a father as Brian had become. After all, Brian and Lindsay had let him decide the boy's name.

The stolen cash burned a hole in his pocket, but he told himself, if the roles were reversed, Brian would probably of done more than just steal some money.

Carefully setting down the note and the credit card up against the bedside lamp, Justin looked around the room one more time before he slung his bag over his shoulder.
Turning around, with his trembling hand on the door knob, he fought back tears as he whispered, "Goodbye Brian..."

Slowly, he shut the door behind him.

Once he reached the lobby, he lifted his chin and wiped away his tears. Shifting his bag a bit more securely onto his shoulder, he reached out and pushed open the Hotel's front door, and stepped out into the twilight.

Spotting Brian's Jeep, he found himself quickly turning to the left.

As he walked away down the darkening street, he felt his steps becoming lighter and his mind raced with hundreds of scenarios in the future.

He'd find a good job, finish High School and then apply at some College for an art scholarship or two. After all, he did have a 1500 on his SAT's so he probably could, with the right help, get into just about any good art school around here.

A dreamy smile lifted the corners of his lips as he thought about how after graduation, he'd return to Pittsburgh.
He'd of become so successful and maybe by then Brian would want him. They would both be older and the 12 year old age difference wouldn't even matter. They would then be equal partners.

He could even help Brian in advertising.

He'd study really hard to become a sought after graphic's artist. Brian would probably have his own company by then and he'd just have to hire him!

But, first things first, on to Plan 'B' he needed to find a place to sleep, a place to live.
Then tomorrow, he'd go and apply at that diner he'd saw in the paper that was looking for a dishwasher.

Now, if he could just remember the name of that street that the 'room for rent cheap' was on. He had even gone as far as to call about it, just to check it out, and had found that it was very reasonable. It had been an elderly lady who was renting rooms in her large home to qualifying students.

No, this street just didn't look like the right one. Crap, he realized too late, he should of went right. So engrossed with those thoughts, Justin didn't see the hands that in a New York minute had grabbed him and was quickly hauling him backwards into an alley.
Kicking and screaming, he managed to shout out, "SOMEBODY HELP ME!" before his mouth was silenced by a sweaty palm, and he could feel the obscene hard-on of his attacker poking him in his ass, and hot breath on the back of his neck as a hateful voice hissed, "Shut the fuck up faggot, or I swear I'll fuckin' cut you!"

>>>>>>>>>>>

Turning the silver knob of the shower to off, he grabbed a towel off of the rack and began to dry his hair and then his body.

The cool shower had done nothing to staunch his desire for the blond he knew was waiting for him just outside the bathroom door.

During his shower, Brian had come to several decisions. The first being, that he'd ignore Debbie and her 'holier than thou attitude' and invite Justin back into his home, and give him that second chance Justin had begged for.

The second being that he'd help Justin in any way that he could to become the best homosexual man he could be.

The third, well, as soon as they got on their way back home to the Pitts, maybe they could finally talk? Or not. GAH! This relationship shit was for just that, shit.

Brian felt a weird thrill as he realized he'd actually thought of the 'R' word. Chuckling dryly to himself, he whispered, "Oh now that would shock a few people all right, especially Mikey."

As he finished drying off his body, he slung the white towel around his hips and tucked in the ends.

Taking a deep breath, Brian opened the door and cheerfully called out, "Okay Sunshine, your turn, and I even saved you some hot water."

The silence that greeted Brian chilled him to the bone. As he stepped into the quiet room, he felt light headed, and he quickly sat down on the edge of the bed. The side of the bed that the lamp was on, that same lamp was now holding up two things.

One being his stolen credit card, and the other, a note from his teenage lover. With trembling hands he lifts up the note, and begins to read.


"My dearest Brian,

although I love you with everything I am, I just can't go back to what once was.
Please forgive me, and someday, we'll meet again, I swear. Don't try to find me, just go home Brian, please. Give my love to everyone, and tell Debbie that I just couldn't be a burden on her and Vic. Please Tell Daph that I'm sorry, and tell my mom too. Tell Emmett to keep his flame bright, and tell Ted, well, tell him to get a new look. He might just get lucky. (ha)

Oh, and tell Mikey he was right, but someday, I'll prove him wrong. You may not 'do' boyfriends, but I feel, I was as close to one as you've ever had, or ever will have. I know, you were and will always be, 'the only one' for me. I pray that in time, you will feel it too. Please, don't hate me.

Love,

Justin, aka, Sunshine aka, your Sunny boi

PS,
I'll never forget you, so don't you dare forget about me."


"Oh God Justin, what have you done?" Brian whispered into the empty room.

He felt hot tears roll down his face as he finished dressing, and it was then that he found his wallet on the floor.

Quickly thumbing through it, he winced as he noticed his missing cash, and then Gus's missing picture. Shoving the note and his credit card inside of it, he flipped it shut and crammed it into his back pocket.

Picking up his keys and the Hotel key card, as Brian was looking outside the window he saw it was just starting to get dark. Taking a deep breath, he made a very hard decision. It was one he hoped he'd not regret, although he knew a certain red head back in Pittsburgh would make him rue the day he was born.

Well, her and Jack Kinney, who already did, but, who cared?

Stepping into the hallway, he closed the door, and turned to make his way to the front desk to turn in the key card and settle their bill.

Once outside, he turned right, and then walked to his Jeep.

After getting inside, slamming the door shut and putting on his seat belt, he turned the key in the ignition, then reaching into his visor pulling out a cd.

After opening the jewel case he slipped in the disc into his cd player. Soon the interior was filled with the haunting melody of a song. A song he had listened to on the drive to New York more times than he would ever admit to, only because he felt it represented both him and Justin.

Closing his eyes briefly, he let the first few words wash over his soul, before he opened them and carefully pulled out into the early-evening traffic, driving slowly by what looked like an altercation of sorts.

Now, he had never been a rubber neck kinda guy, but the man he was staring at sure was worth a look, or two, hell even three!

A very tall black-haired good looking man in tight, very tight blue jeans wearing a dark red western style long sleeved shirt and black tooled cowboy boots was stalking toward an alley waving his fists and shouting, leaving the door to his running taxi standing wide open.

Brian winced as he saw a short, dark haired boy climb inside of it and shut the door.
A few people were standing near the mouth of the alley as well, and Brian had to swerve hard to miss the ambulance that was blaring it's warning siren and heading right in his driving path!

"OH SHIT!" He screamed, slamming on his breaks as he felt his adrenalin slamming into him, pumping in his veins faster than any shit Anita the Babylon Club pig had ever sold him.

Putting a shaky hand to his head, he thanked God that no one had been behind him, and that the slow moving traffic on the street in front of him had been far enough ahead to of given him room to safely manoeuvre his Jeep, as well as prevented him from moving away any faster.

As he glanced into his rear view mirror, he thought, no, he could of sworn that he could see several of the orange coated ambulance personnel attempting to load someone inside their ambulance, and that the someone was a small blond boy, covered in blood.

For a split second, he felt a tug on his heart, as a zap of pure fear shot down his spine.
'Na,' he thought, shaking off the sudden alarming feeling. 'That couldn't possibly be...'
But, when the small bloody blond on the gurney halted the med-tecs once more as he reached up to draw down the tall black haired Adonis and whisper something in his ear, Brian felt his chest loosen with something that felt like relief.

'See there,' he told himself smugly, ' that kid wasn't Justin! Just some poor schmuck who obviously had a run in with some very bad luck. Hmm, I wonder what happened to him? I wonder how Mr. Sex-Tex knows him?'

Brian shrugged to himself, and just kept on driving. The slow traffic in front of him was now picking up speed as he thought, 'Besides, with the amount of money that Justin had just stolen from him, money that he'd had reserved for a quick jaunt to Prada and if time permitted the new Armani collection, the little shit was probably already enjoying a nice room somewhere, pigging out on junk food, and getting on with his life.'

After all, no matter how much Mikey wanted him to be one, Brian Kinney was no hero.
As he drove swiftly away until the ambulance was but a dot in his side mirror, a mantra played in his mind over the melody of the song.

It's not my business...It’s not my business...It's not my business...

Nope, he was a cold-hearted son of a bitch, and it was about time he owned up to the fact.
Because, once he'd opened that bathroom door and found Justin gone, as well as his money, everything had changed, and in a New York minute too.

He'd let some blond piece of boy ass get underneath his wire, but, not anymore, and not ever again.

Tears froze on his face as he lifted himself up and shouted into the wind, "GOODBYE NEW YORK, AND GOODBYE JUSTIN TAYLOR!"

Wiping his face as he sat back down, he suddenly felt better, lighter, more free than he had in a long while, ever since a determined blond twink had butted his way into his life.
As Brian’s Jeep's tires ate up the road, with every minute that passed, his heart grew even colder as the miles toward his home got shorter.

Looking down at his interior clock, he smirked. He was making good time. Hell, he might even get back before Babylon opened. Reaching over, he tapped the button, and the song played again.

This time, Brian sang along.

"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear.
And I can't help but ask myself
how much I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before,
and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I am beginning to find
that I should be the one behind the wheel.
Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.
So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
will I choose water over wine
and hold my own and drive?
It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find
that when I drive myself my light is found.
So whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes.
Yeh.
Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, I'll be there...
Would you kill the Queen to crush the hive?
Would you choose water over wine...hold the wheel and drive."