The Day The Characters Talked Back

Title: The Day The Characters Talked Back
Author: Dee
Author: Chaff
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Jack/Daniel
Category: Slash, Humor, Skit
Date written: 3/7-3/13/2004
Status: Complete
Series: ?
Season: Any
Synopsis: If the characters could talk back, what would they say. It's basically us, the writers, interacting with Jack and Daniel. This is written in script(skit) form.
Notes: Dave, we used your line. Don't worry, it's put to good use. Thank you Alpha-Betas. Sue we took your advice. Thank you Jagwolfsd. Thank you, thank you.
Disclaimer: We don't own them. Own nothing to do with stargate except the boxsets. Just having fun with them. They have been returned unharmed. Enough said.

~The Day The Characters Talked Back~
By Chaff & Dee


1/1


Scene Location: The rarely seen bedroom of one Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Scene Starts: Jack and Daniel are on the bed, giving each other "physicals."

Jack: Panting, "Doctor, take my temperature. I'm burning with a fever."

Daniel: "Um, Jack. You KNOW I'm not that kind of Doctor."

Jack: "Shh; you can pretend to be. I won't tell. And that's not the kind of thermometer I need anyway."

Daniel pulls Jack's head back toward his lips. Jack is now lying naked across Daniel's equally naked body.

Background Noise: (THUD!)

Jack: Lifting his head, "What was that?"

Daniel: "Nothing." Pulling Jack back down.

Background Voice: Whispering, "You okay? Hello? Damn, forgot the smelling salts. I better go get them."

Jack: "I know I heard something."

Daniel: "Aggravated, "Jack, I think you've finally lost what's left of your marbles."

Jack: "Funny." Desire overcoming him, "Now, where were we?"

~~~~~~~~~~~More kissing and making out~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Co-Slash Writer(Co-SW): Brings out the smelling salts. "Are you alright?"

Slash Writer(SW): "Am I dead? That was a HEAVENLY sight."

Jack starts to push upward again, but Daniel clings hungrily to his mouth. This leaves both men gasping for air. They slide in delicious friction, grinding their hips against one another. Daniel has his hands placed on Jack's tight ass. He's pushing his fingers almost painfully between his cheeks, pulling him closer to the edge of ecstasy. Each other's names about tot leave their mouths. They.. They....

SW: "WAIT! STOP! STOPPPPPPPP! You're doing IT wrong!"

Jack pulls away from an obviously disappointed Daniel. He looks up and glances around the bedroom.

Jack: "Now, I KNOW I heard that!"

Daniel: Sighing, "I heard it also. It's probably just one of those slash writers."

Jack jumps off of Daniel and the bed. He grabs his boxers from the floor and pulls them on. He then grabs Daniel's Calvin Klein's and throws them at him. Daniel proceeds to painfully put them on, leaving him extremely uncomfortable.

Jack: "Slash Writers?"

Daniel: Flinging his aroused body backwards on the bed. "You know, Jack; the People that like to rewrite our story lines... Occasionally, haven't you ever wondered why two totally straight men are having wild, passionate sex?"

Jack: Smiling, "Yeah, I have, but I'm suppose to be the dumb one here." Smile fading and anger setting in. "Wait a damn minute. What the fuck was she yelling about? What were we doing wrong?"

SW: "Sorry to interrupt you two in the middle of your um.... climax, but it wasn't correct."

Jack: "What the fuck is that suppose to mean?"

Daniel: "Yeah, it felt....correct."

SW: "No! You two were just sliding across each other, kissing. If I wanted a sex scene written like that it would be a rated R skit. This is suppose to be NC-17!"

Daniel: "Picky, picky."

Jack: "What the fuck would a female know about two men having sex!" Leaning down toward Daniel, he whispers, "Can you say someone needs to get a man and lay off the vibrators!"

SW: "I heard that! Besides, that's not me, that's the Co-Writer. Anyway Jack, Does the word Eunuch mean anything to you? I can write a nice, detailed story about you "losing" your manhood on a mission. Then you can become Daniel's permanent bitch!"

Daniel: Laughing, "He already is."

Jack: Looking at Daniel, "Excuse me?"

Daniel: "Just joking, Jack. Jeez, seems everyone here has PMS today!"

SW: "You know I can write the same storyline for you."

Co-SW: "Don't you even think about it!... By the way, remind me to pick up some batteries. I'm out. And also, I have to stop and have that Michael Shanks picture enlarged. Do you think Staples can make it life size?"

SW: Sighing, "No, unfortunately. And you're right about Daniel. We wouldn't want to ruin that perfectly sculptured Adonis."

Jack: "What?! You'd be willing to castrate my character, but not Daniel's?"

SW & Co-SW: "Yes!"

Jack: "What's he got that I don't?"

SW: "Where do we start?"

Co-SW: "Brains."

SW: "Looks."

Co-SW: "Youth. Many more years ahead of him."

SW: "A better package."

Jack: "THAT'S ENOUGH!" He yells. "Anyway, it's not the size of the ships. It's the motion of the ocean."

Daniel: "Yeah Jack, but it takes a longgg time to get to England in a row boat!"

SW: "Where the hell did that come from?"

Co-SW: "Duh. Don't you listen to Jeff Foxworthy?"

SW: "Ah, No. Can I borrow the CD?"

Co-SW: "Sure, I got it right in my car."

SW: "Do you have George Carlin? I like him."

Co-SW: "Yeah, I...."

Daniel: "You know, I heard Dennis Leary is pretty good too."

Jack: "What the fuck! Shut the hell up, Daniel. Don't encourage them."

SW & Co-SW & All Those Who Love Daniel: "Don't speak to him like that!"

Co-SW: " Hope you weren't too attached to your equipment!"

Daniel: "Ladies, please. I like his equipment."

SW: "Okay. But only for you."

Daniel: "Thank you."

Jack: "That's it! I'm leaving!"

SW: "What! You aren't going anywhere. There's some heavy fucking scenes ahead."

Jack: Oh, now we're fucking. I thought that was what we were doing before you rudely interrupted us!"

SW: "You were doing it wrong."

Jack: "Wrong?! We were fucking. You know, we were naked. Our members were connecting, and on the verge of blowing like volcano's."

SW: "That was making out! Fucking is.... Well, it's like a car. You put a key in the ignition and take it out for a ride."

Jack: "Sex is like a car? Where the hell is she pulling this stuff from, her ass?"

SW: "You know, we wouldn't have to be writing these if your show's episodes weren't so....crappy!"

Jack & Daniel: "Yeah, she's got a point. They have been.....Wait a damn minute! WE write some of these episodes."

SW: "Stick to your day job, boys."

Co-SW: "Yeah, you're better at acting."

Jack & Daniel: "No respect!"

SW: "Okay, let's get back to the story."

Jack: "I don't feel like it."

Daniel: "What! I've got a major heard on in dire need of release. You are NOT going anywhere."

Jack: "Oh yes I am."

Daniel: "Come on, Jack," He begs. Blinking those sexy as hell eyelashes at Jack, he states, "We can do it their way."

Jack: "Well...."

SW: "Good. Now get back to the actual fucking please!"

Jack: "Can you leave?!"

SW & Co-SW: "NO!"

Jack: "Well, I don't know if I can perform with an audience."

SW & Co-SW: "Yes you can. Believe us, you can and you will."

Daniel let's out a sigh. Ripping off his Calvin's, he bears his erection for all those to see.

Daniel: "Take me, Jack."

Background Noise: (THUD!)

Background Noise: (THUD!)

Jack & Daniel: "Hello?"

Jack: Smiling, "Well, now that we're not gonna be interrupted, let's begin."

Daniel: "Oh let's....."

~~The End~~

P.S. There is a part 2. If you are interested, email me and I'll send it to you. It's funny, at least we think so but people didn't take to us bashing Jack in a humor way. So the choice is up to you.