I surrender ... I survive
I surrender ... I survive
Title: I surrender … I survive (Part 1)
Author: Mary Eve Parker
Feedback: always welcome ;)
Category: AU, Harm/Renee, Babyfic,
Harm/Mac?
Note: I put it into an alternative universe
because it doesn’t fit into anything else. Anyway it’s my first attempt in JAG Fanfiction
Homepage:
Rating: NC-17
Thanks to Mel my dear for the beta.
~*~
I surrender … I survive
~*~
AJ was going to turn five in four months
and Mac couldn’t stop thinking about the arrangement - the deal - she had with
Harm. To be honest with herself, she was waiting for his birthday to arrive . .
. sas was waiting to work on the deal.
More than once she had been looking at the
windows of a baby shop, noticing all the cute tiny overalls, the strollers and
the different types of cribs. She had even given the name thing a thought –
since it was a deal, just to have a baby together, nothing to do with being in
a relationship, she would name the baby Harm. Harmon Raphael McKenzie-Rabb. She
would do it, not thinking about the consequences. She wouldn't give a damn
about it. Yes, Mac felt her biological clock going down. She felt it every time
her menstruation came – one month less.
“Hey sailor,” she said with a smile playing
on her lips as she stepped into Harm’s office. He looked up from a file and
smiled back. “Do you want to go over the Steiner case after dinner tomorrow?”
Since it was Friday and she had no plans
for the weekeshe she wanted to make sure that they would spend some time
together. They would also need to go over the case, but since their friendship
was re-blisblished - Brumby away and Renee gone - things have been different.
Firstly they hadn't been close; there had been miles in between, but now, after
Webb was gone too – killed by a grenade in Chechnya – they had become closer
again, slowly. Everybody she had ever cared for was gone, except for Harm. And
Harm had been a friend when she needed one – the day they had been informed
that Webb had been killed, he had held her, let her cry on his shoulder -
another friend of hers whom she has to stand by at the funeral.
Mac wasn’t sure yet if he had forgotten
about the baby deal or not, but there hadn't been the right moment yet to talk
about it.
”Sure whatever you want. a,” a,” Harm suggested.
“Well I thought about cooking since its
weekend,” she replied, her eyes smiling.
“Oh …”
“I can cook, and I even know some meatless
dishes.”
“Really …?”
“Sure, but if you don’t want, I can also
order some Chinese.”
>
He noticed the hurt look in her eyes, which
had been smiling brightly before. “No go ahead, surprise me Marine.”
“Sure sailor, sure.”
***
Mac spent the whole Saturday morning
shopping for the right groceries she would need for the veggie soup and the
meatless chilli. He loved chilli; especially the one Grandma Sarah had cooked
for him. She remembered the day when he came home from a weekend, the seat next
to him full of Chilli containers from hrandrandma. He didn’t even want to share
it with her at first, but after a long talk, she was allowed to try a spoonful.
In the middle of chopping onions the
telephone rang. Mac quickly wiped her hands on the apron and headed for the
phone.
“Mackenzie.”
“Hey Mac, it’s me.”
”Hello Jarhead, what’s up?”
“I am sorry but I have to cancel tonight,
something came up. Maybe tomorrow?”
“Sure,” she tried to sound normal, but it
didn’t work. He heard the sadness, the disappointment.
“I am really sorry Mac, but it’s
important.”
“Okay, I didn’t say anything. Just go get
your stuff done. See you on Monday.”
That’s all she said before she put the
phone down and returned to the kitchen, threw all theetabetables into the bin,
cleaned the kitchen and sat down in front of her TV.
One night less with him, one possibility
less to speak with him about this deal. This was him, Harmon Rabb Jr., the only
man who was able to disappoint her at the moment.
It was just 2 am, she was sitting at home
on a Saturday – what happened to her life? No men, few friends, nearly no
hobbies. She quickly changed into shorts, a sports bra and a long-sleeved
shirt, grabbed her running shoes, the marine sweater and went for a run.
She ran and ran and ran. She felt exhausted
but she didn’t stop – not yet. She kept running. The bottle of water she had
taken with her was already empty; she was wet, her breathing was rigid. This
woman wasn’t thinking about the fact that she would have to run all the way
back too. She wasn’t thinking about her body, her exhaustion.
At a small kiosk she bought a bottle of
water, and realised where she was. Her legs hurt, her back too. She had left
her cell phone at home.
With the last coins she called the so
familiar number of Harm. But the voice who answered it wasn’t his. It wasn’t
male. But it sound familiar. Renee.
After the third “hello” from the other
side, she hung up and leaned with all her weight against the phone.
Harm had cancelled because of Renee. It was
important for him. Renee.
Now only just her legs and back hurt, but
also her heart. It felt like somebody had ripped it out, not taking any care
anymore.
***
Monday came faster than Mac wanted it to.
She hadn’t finished thinking about all the new things she'd just realised. She
realised that she would never be the number one for Rabb, never, but a baby
would. He would never ever let somebodyse ase a baby without a father. Never.
He wasn’t coming in on Monday; she didn’t
see him on Tuesday either. On Wednesday they were in court all day and had no
time to talk privately. And then, after the too long session, he was away, too
quick for her.
Renee was back – she told herself over and
over again.
***
A week passed, and another one, and they
were not getting closer anymore. Mac tried more than once to talk to him about
a case or what to give AJ for his birthday but Harm . . . Harm wasn’t “Harm”
anymore. He had changed. He seemed to be happy, at least. But she wasn’t.
The fact that Renee was back was torturing
her but she couldn’t change it. Harm hadn't told her yet that they were
together again, officially, but there were rumours.
Had she lost her best friend already to
this blond bimbo? Had she lost the father of her unborn child?
***
It had been two months now since he had
cancelled the dinner. Two months of torture, of sadness, a loss of
self-confidence. She wasn’t feeling well. She wasn’t the same powerful lawyer
and marine she had been all the years before. She didn’t even really care about
all the cases anymore. Mac was doing her job, well as always. She didn’t want
to be talked about behind her back. She won most of her cases because she knew
the drill and there was no case where she had to work with or against Harm.
There was a knocking on her office door
which got her out of her thoughts, made her realise that she hadn’t even read
the second paragraph of the file yet.
“Yes,” she said slowly.
“The staff meeting just started. The
Admiral sent me to get you.”
“Oh sorry, I was reading this new case; I
must have forgotten the time.”
Harriet had sensed that something wasn’t right but this was so unusual for the
Colonel!
She entered the conference room where
everybody was already waiting for them.
“Sorry Admiral I've been on the phone with
witness.”
“It’s only been five minutes Colonel. Take
a seat.”
She sat down, next to Harm, her fingers playing
with the hem of her uniform blouse. She knew that everybody wondered why
exactly she was late, the one with the internal clock. But somehevereverybody
seemed to be occupied with other thoughts.
“There is your new case Colonel – Eleanor
Anderson claims that she has been raped by Lt. Wolff 5 months ago and that the
child she is carrying is his.” He handed her the file and handed out all the
others, asked them about their actual cases. She was only half listening to his
words, her hands still on the case file when the Admiral suddenly stopped and
Harm stood up.
“Like the Admiral said, I have to make an
announcement.” She noticed him taking a deep breath, “I will become a dad.
Renee and I are having a baby. We are 4 weeks along.”
***
Everybody congratulated him, except Mac.
When he turned around after Harried gave him a big hug, she was gone.
Harm had wanted to speak to her before but
there was never the right moment. She seemed to be busy and not caring about
him anymore. But he couldn’t blame her for it. He knew that since the Saturday
he had cancelled, things had been different, very different.
He went home that night to Renee (who had
moved in with him from one day to the other) but the only thing he wanted was
to talk to Mac. To tell her that he was sorry, to let her know that way.
Renee seemed to be happy with the actual
situation. She made her home at his place telling him day after day that they
would need some place bigger, with a backyard. But he wasn’t ready for it yet,
not ready to give in, and not ready to lose his bachelor status.
When Renee was asleep, soundly like always,
in his big bed, he dialled Mac’s number –speed dial one on his cell. He needed
to talk to her. But nobody picked up. Without even thinking he put on some
jeans and a sweater and drove to Georgetown. The windows were dark. No need to
over think it, he took two stairs at once and knocked on her door. Nobody
opened. No sound from behind. She wasn’t home.
Slowly he pulled his key set from his
jacket and unlocked the door.
Nobody was there and it didn’t seem like
somebody had been home all day. Jingo greeted him and after checking her
bedroom, he fed Jingo – knowing too well where everything was stored in this
flat – and left again.
He had hoped to find her home, to talk to
her, to clear things up. He needed to talk to somebody and the only person Harm
could think of was Mac. She had always been the only one.
But before he left he saw her calendar open
on the coffee table. “AJ’s 5th Birthday” – the date of May 18 was encircled
in thick red. He had nearly forgotten about it in all the joy about Renee’s
pregnancy.
Not even two months left and he needed to
pick a present. Maybe this could be a good reason to talk to her, to get her to
talk to him!
***
The room was filled with soft sunlight; Mac
heard a bird singing in front of her window. It was weekend and she had never
spent such a lot of time in bed thinking. She realised that she wanted a child,
that she wanted one now. She wasn’t getting any younger! Being 37 years old was
very near at 40, and time was running. Running fast!
Over the internet she had searched for some
sperm banks. Firstly she had thought about a one night stand but this wasn’t
her, not anymore. She didn’t want anybody inside her, at least not now. And a
sperm bank seemed to be a sterile place. The whole process didn’t seem to be
very complicated. It seemed at least easier than to sleep with a stranger.
Somebody from the JAG crew? Of course not. She didn’t want anybody to talk
about her, about her decision.
At work everybody had been so happy for
Harm that afternoon, everyone smiled and hugged him. But she couldn’t. She
couldn’t tell him that it was great news. That it was fantastic that he would
become the father of Renee’s child. Not hers.
She had been thankful that there were so
many people around and that she could slip out without making a scene. But Mac
had only been able to make it to the bathroom on the second floor before hot
tears ran down her cheeks. Her breathing was hard and her heart breaking
further. Knowing that he was about to become a daddy made her realise that she
would have to look for another option, for an option to give some joy back to
her life again.
Some things never change – he had always been
able to hurt her. Not just like rain and tax, but like pain, the feeling like
somebody is ripping out your heart with his hands knowing that you are still
alive.
But the only thing which came up her mind
in this situation was alcohol, the fact that she needs something to drink.
Something hard and alcoholic. Vodka. Tequila.
The moment she arrived at home she told
herself that he wasn’t worth getting back to alcohol, to the feeling of being
lonely and more vulnerable. He wasn’t about to win!
***
It was May 18, a warm and sunny Friday.
Harriet had invited the whole JAG family for little AJ’s birthday party. Harm
arrived with Renee on his arm and Mac half an hour later, Harriet realised that
there was something very wrong. Mac was on the one side of the backyard, Harm
and Renee on the other. No words spoken between them and Mac was avoiding Renee
– it was too obvious.
The only thing they all didn’t know was
that Mac had taken the step and signed up with a sperm bank. She had been told
about the risks, the consequences for her life and everything. She had been told
about the fact that there was a chance to have twins, a small one. She had been
asked to think about all that.
She had made her decision a long time ago.
Two days ago she got the results back. She was pregnant from an anonymous donor
– from the description exactly what she wanted: tall, dark haired, brown eyes,
a pilot.
Mac had worked herself through twopletplete
piles of donors before she found that one. She was pregnant, one and a half weeks.
She had to take care of herself now, herself and the unborn child inside her.
Mac had bought her little godson the last
Harry Potter movie on DVD, a new Marine sweater and the new play station game
he had asked for.
“You okay Colonel,” Harriet asked Mac who
leant against a tree watching AJ playing in his new sandbox.
“Yes, and you know that you should call me
Mac, we aren’t in uniform.”
“Sure. You look a little pale.”
“Oh, I have a headache since I woke up
today, but that’s it.”
“You want to take something against it?”
“No thanks, just being at the fresh air
will help.”
“Sure … tell me if you need anything.”
She had lied and it made her feel horrible,
cheap – betraying a friend! But watching Harm and Renee made her sick. Renee clinging
to Harm’s arm. He hadn’t even noticed her, not once. She played with AJ a
little longer but before dinner she excused herself, telling Harriet that the
headache wasn’t any better and she wanted to lie down.
When she left nobody asked why, not even
when AJ jun. ran towards her, threw his arms around her neck, placing a kiss on
her cheek and thanked her for the gifts. Nobody had said goodbye to her.
***
But he had seen her, noticed her all
afternoon. Harm had seen the way she was playing with AJ, trying not to stay
near anybody. She hadn’t been any more talkative latelo beo be exact, they
hadn’t changed any pri wor words since his announcement of fatherhood two
months ago.
Before she left, when AJ hugged her, he saw
the tears in her eyes. And Harm wanted to know why, wanted to know why she was
like this. Why she had to escape every time he tried to get towards her, to
talk to her.
***
It had been two months now and he hadn’t
had a chance to talk to her yet. A week ago he waited for her in her office, wanting
to ask her out for dinner. But even with the file she was working on left on
her desk and the coat on the hat stand - she didn’t come back. Her office was
cleaner than usual, not that it was dirty anytime, but everything seemed to be
more sorted, little personal items left. Nothing to be exact. The one picture
of them in Afghanistan which had been on her shelf for the last year; wasn’t
there anymore. There were no pictures anymore.
He left just before 11pm without having had
the chance to speak to her.
***
But she had seen him the moment she wanted
to enter the office. She couldn’t tell him that she was planning to leave everything
behind. That she wasn’t about to look back. Not that she had a new focus in her
life.
“Colonel you wanted to speak to me?” her CO
asked her, sitting in his leather chair. It was a Monday like any other.
“Yes.” She handed him an envelope. “Please
would you read this?” she said and sat down. AJ Chegwidden opened the envelope
and read the few printed lines.
He put the letter down and stared at it,
confused.
”Why now Mac?” he asknd snd she heard this personal touch of him in his voice.
“Because I need to Admiral,” she answered,
looking at her hands in her lap.
“But why Mac? Thereen'en't been any
differences between you and Commander Rabb? And you are damn good in what you
are doing. So tell me the reason!” He took a deep breath and focused on Mac’s
lips, noticing they were slightly trembling.
She looked up, shyly. “I am pregnant,” Mac
responded softly.
“But to be pregnant is no reason … what? …
It’s Rabb’s?”
“No it isn't.”
“Who is the father?”
“Nobody you know.”
“Mac …”
“Please, no more questions,” she was
begging.
“Give me till Friday Mac, give me the
chance to arrange a couple of things.”
“I …”
“You haven't told Rabb, haven't you?”
“No,” she whispered.
“No party, nothing I guess. You want to
leave without saying goodbye, telling them why you are leaving your ‘family’
behind?”
“I have set my priorities. I just can't do
it anymore.”
“How far along are you?”
“5 weeks.”
“Nobody has told me that you are sick or
anything.”
“Just nobody noticed.” It slipped out
faster than she wanted. Nobody had noticed her regular tours to the bathroom
during the morning hours – four sometimes 5 times. Nobody had said a word. On
the one hand she was happy that she had been able to go “undercover”, on the
other side it showed her how little everybody cared.
“So your last day at work will be Friday 30th
of June, next Friday. And please Mac, talk to Harm. I am telling you this as a
friend.”
“And I answer as a friend Sir, I can't. I
won’t.”
“It’s all about him again?”
“Not everything is about Harmon Rabb, Sir.”
“But how does it come that both of *his*
women are pregnant then?”
“I don’t know how it is about Renee but
this has nothing to do with Harm,” she replied slightly angry, one hand over
her belly.
“So if it isn't about him, why can't you
tell him?”
“He just doesn’t need to know. At all it’s
not really any of your …”
“It is Mac, because I am your friend.” He
stood up and sat down ie che chair next to her. “You can't leave him like that
after all you’ve been through together. You have been friends; you saved his
six more than just once and now you want to leave him here without telling him why?”
She tried to take a deep breath but the
Admiral noticed that this wasn’t easy for her. His normally so strong marine
was close to breaking down. The whole façade she had built around herself so
carefully during the last couple of weeks was about to break down.
“I just can't. I can't deal with him now or
his pity or whatever he wants to give me. I made my decisions the day I conceived
this child, no I made them before, and I want this child. I am not getting any
younger and this is maybe my only chance at all. I am not 20 anymore. Everybody
seems to have a life …” And suddenly AJ noticed a tear escape her eye. His
marine was crying, breaking down.
“Oh, come here, Sarah,” he said, pulling
her towards him, hugging her tightly against his chest. She let all guards down
and cried. She hadn’t cried since the day Harm had announced that he was going
to be a father, since that she’d been strong but the Admiral got behind those
walls and broke them down – nobody else seem to care about them.
“You didn’t make this easily, the decision
I mean. I know that you love your job,” he softly touched her back. “Come let’s
talk. Here isn't the right place. I want to help you, even if you leave us, you
are part of the JAG family – you know,” he said gently, more like a father than
a CO. “I'll come to your place, you like Chinese don’t you? Well I will bring
some with me.” justjust nodded. “And now, there is the bathroom, freshen up a
little bit.”
***
Nobody had noticed the red eyes when she
came back from the Admiral’s office. She quickly made her way to her office and
spent the rest of the day in court, with her very last case. Till the end of
her JAG life she’d finish all the paper work which was left to do.
***
All boxes were packed at home, and AJ (as
she was calling him now - or he had made her call him to be exact) helped her
to organise the transport to New York, to the house he had found in Rhode Island for her. It wasn’t big, but big enough for her and the baby. He had helped her
pack her things, without asking any questions. He had just been a good friend.
At the office, everything was cleaned out
by Friday night. Mac had been thankful to know that Harm was on a submarine for
the next 4 days, so she wouldn’t run into him. The moment the last person went
home, she had packed the last items of hers into a box and left.
Before she entered the elevator, she looked
back, remembering all the happy times she had spent in here – all the sad ones
too.
Remembering the day they thought Harm was
going to die, before her rehearsal dinner. The day AJ jun. was born. The day
Harm had hugged her in his office before he left for the Patrick Henry. Remembering
the smell, the calmness and the familiarity of it. Then she took a deep breath,
closed her eyes for a very brief moment and stepped into the elevator. Left.
***
Harm came back from his investigation and dialled
Mac’s number because he needed information on Lt. Samantha Ericsson who was a
former friend of Mac’s, only to get the information that her number no longer existed.
Harm sensed that something wasn’t right. That something was absolutely wrong!
He drove to her apartment – it was empty. He got anxious. Nervously sweating,
he drove to the JAG headquarter, going over some red lights, and her office was
empty. Nobody was here anymore; it was already 8 pm and a “normal” Monday.
The office was empty, only a set of pencils
left next to her empty desk.
Afraid of what might have happened he ran
into his office to find no note, nothing. He went to the Admiral’s but nobody
was there. When he pulled himself together, he called the Admiral.
“Chegwidden,” he answered.
“Where is Colonel Mackenzie?”
He heard the older man take a deep breath
on the other side of the line.
“She left, Harm.”
“What?”
“You understood me quite well, she left.”
“She can't leave like this!” Tears were
streaming into Harm’s eyes.
“But she did.”
“Whe whe where is she?”
“I don’t know.” AJ knew it, very well
indeed, but he had sworn not to tell anybody. And the last person who should
know it was Harmon Rabb Jr. She didn’t want him around, at least not now.
Harm sank down on the floor, crying. She
had left him. Left him behind.
***
The admiral had helped her to get a job in
a lawyer’s office. The owner was an old friend of his, a former Seal too, but
decided to leave the navy after Vietnam.
When she arrived she was welcomed with open
arms. They knew from day one that she was pregnant and it didn’t take long,
just 5 more weeks and she started to show.
Mac’s only contact to her former “family”
was AJ who visited her from time to time on the weekends. And Harm’s email, how
could she forget about those?
Today, the first day of September, she sat
down at home to work a little on the PC, get some reports done; she got the
message “you’ve got mail”. Knowing it could only be him, she slowly opened the
program.
From:
Dear Sarah,
I am not sure if you read your emails,
or if you still have this account. Since I never get any reports back, I will
keep sending my messages to you this way. Even if you do not answer them.
I really hoped that you would attend my
wedding; it was my only wish for this day. I wanted you to be there and I
waited but you didn’t come. I wanted you to come. I wanted you to be there. I
wanted to speak to you.
If you are interested, Renee’s pregnancy
is going along well. She is now 22 weeks along and everything seems to be fine.
We will have a boy, that’s what the ultrasound said at least. Renee wants to
name him Harmon but it just doesn’t feel right to me. I have this feeling that
Harm isn't the right name for him.
I don’t know where you are Sarah but I
wish you were here. God, I can't tell you how much I miss you, my best friend.
The smell of Beltway Burgers and dead animal pizza
I am not sure if I am disappointed, mad
or if I am sad about the fact that you left without telling me, not leaving me
a note or anything. I want to know the reason. What I did wrong!
Harriet and the rest are blaming me for
it and I start to do it too. Renee hates me for it but maybe it’s because of
those pregnancy hormones that she is like that. I wish I could tell you
everything but why write it down here if I am not even sure that you read it?
Why tell you about my heart if I can't be sure that its read?
F.L., H.
She hadn’t read that either. She didn’t
want to read any of his mails. She had left him behind and she didn’t need to
be reminded, to think about him. About her dreams which had been destroyed or
anything else.
***
From:
Dear Sarah,
I have this feeling deep inside that you
are reading those mails, even if you aren’t replying. But it gives me the
feeling that you are doing fine.
Renee is now 24 weeks along but not showing
much. The wedding is over and she somehow fell into this marriage couple play.
I don’t blame her for anything, that she is tired or so but I have a lot to do
since you are away. You not being at JAG anymore keeps me busy.
n’t n’t send you any wedding pictures
but I thought about it but it’s no good idea since you refused to come to the
wedding, so you aren’t interested in them either.
AJ asked a lot for you lately, he really
misses you and I would lf I f I say that nobody else is missing you here. I
wanted to share my luck with you but you aren’t interested anymore, into
anything involving “your family”. I thought that we were family. I thought that
we are as important to you as you are to us. But, it’s obvious that you think
differently.
I don’t care where you are now. If you
are not giving me your address, telephone number or any other contact
possibility – I won’t search. You have chosen this way and it’s not up to me to
change it. But I miss my best friend. But it is a one way thing isn’t it? Just
because I got married, we can’t be friends anymore?
I still don’t understand it, I just
don’t get it. Why did you leave? Why without saying goodbye? You made me say
goodbye before I left for the Patrick Henry and you were angry with me for not
telling you.
I don’t know what to say mojustjust that
I want my best friend back. Everything seems so boring now; nobody teases me
about dress whites and gold wings anymore.
F.L., H.
Tears were running down Mac’s cheeks when
she finished reading, and closed the window. That was the reason why she didn’t
want to get into those mails, didn’t want to read them because she knew they
would make her feel sad and sorry. Make her think.
But she told herself not to look back. Her
hand was gently resting on the swell of her bulging belly. Two weeks ago she
had been told that she was carrying twins. She wasn’t sure if she should be
happy or not. She didn’t feel anything at the moment, except for the loss of
her best friend.
She tried, dearly, to feel love for the
kids she was carrying. She tried to take care of herself and even got away from
Beltway Burgers. She ate healthy food, worked out on her home bike every night
and drank a lot of milk and orange juice.
Even work wasn’t the same anymore.
Everybody at the office was nice and seemed to care for her but Mac; Mac asked
them to call her Sarah because Mac made her feel “home” at JAG. She did her job
well, she won her cases but the passion was gone.
Mac told herself that things would get
better when the babies were born, everything would work out then. But somehow,
she didn’t believe in it at the moment.
She was just 13 weeks into her pregnancy
but she had changed. AJ came one or the other weekend with some excuse to see
how she was doing.
He had noticed the difference. His Mac had
been a happy person who smiled and laughed often but she was gone. This Sarah
now was hard and cold, impersonal, sad and sometimes even angry.
Chegwidden found out that it was no good to
speak about Harm and Renee with her, that she wasn’t interested in anything –
that’s at least how she acted. But deep inside he sensed that she was hurt by
his action and that Harmon Rabb Jr. had been the reason for her to leave. Were
those his babies she was carrying? He wasn’t sure about it. She had closed up
and not found any friends here in Rhode Island but she wasn’t going out at all.
At night she was reading and had started to decorate the nursery in a soft
shade of yellow. She did her housework, cleaned the house neatly and worked
through her case loads. She earned good money, he knew, but she didn’t seem to
care.
Her clothes were just black, no features in
them. Her skirts were getting tight around her waist and the former silk
blouses had changed to dark blue and black shirts.
Her pregnancy was obvious and even the
early state not possible to hide anymore.
She had never thought about those things
before, how her body would change with pregnancy or what people would think of
a pregnant woman who wasn’t married or at least had a father for her babies.
Nobody asked about her life, nobody was interested. The elderly lady next door
invited her for dinner twice but she asked for a rain check twice, telling her
that her legs were killing her and she wasn’t feeling well. The only problem
was that this lovely elderly lady came with some chicken soup and fed Mac, did
everything to make her feel better. But soon, after a couple of hours, she
noticed that it had nothing to do with the young woman’s health but her soul –
a young, tortured soul.
This night Mac went to bed without dinner,
she couldn’t get a bite down. It was a Friday and she couldn’t sleep till
Monday morning, impossible. She really had tried to get on with life, tried to
make some friends but they were all so different, so not Harriet, Bud and of
course Harm. Mac was honest with herself that she had never easily made
friends; she didn’t blame herself, but her parents. Trust was a rare thing for
her and if you are friends with somebody, there has to be trust involved!
She should have cleaned the house a little
bit because AJ had been on her answering machine telling her that he would be
there by noon. But she was in no mood. When she woke up in the morning she
showered, creamed her body a little bit and leaned against the cold tiles of
the bathroom. She felt heavy, like a beached whale. But she knew that it was
normal. Sometimes she even wished that her mum would be here with her, to talk
to somebody who has been through that too. But there was no contact to her mum
anymore, no telephone number, nothing.
Slowly she brushed her teeth and slipped
into a dark blue pair of XXL marine sweats AJ had given her and a dark green
top. When she came downstairs he was already waiting for her.
“I thought you’d come around noon,” she
said with a deep sigh.
“Looks like I am already here. So what do
you want me to do? The nursery? Something else?”
“Let’s just sit here for a while okay? I
just got out of bed.”
She let him spend the weekend with her. It
would have a s a senseless act to talk him out of it. He was so fixed on
taking care of her that he didn’t even see that she felt uncomfortable.
When they sat together in the living room
on Sunday morning after breakfast, he stared at her. Mac was wearing a button
down blouse and sweats.
“You know that pregnancy fits you,” AJ said
with a shy smile dancing over his lips.
“I guess that’s a compliment,” she returned
unsure if he was coming onto her or not.
“I don’t want to make you uncomfortable Mac
but I should tell you that they are all missing you like crazy. You left in a
hurry and I am only allowed to answer all the questions with a *I have no
clue*. Do you think that it is easy for me to lie to Harm all the time?”
“He asks for me?” she said a little confused.
“Yes all the time, every Monday like he senses
something. Anyway, he has told me that he has written you one or two emails and
that you do not reply. Why not?”
“I don’t want to answer any questions of
his,” she snapped back. “It’s my life and I made some decisions. Something had
to be done.”
“And you still think that this was the
right one?”
***
Mac has always been a master in betraying
herself but this time it was harder than ever before. The time went on and when
she was asleep in her bed, she often thought about how it would be to have
somebody to cuddle against, somebody caressing her belly, somebody … no not just
somebody, it had to be the one and only, the one her heart belonged to.
Reading *his* emails
didn’t help at all. She had to focus on her new life, not look back all the
time.
She couldn’t hold her tears back for long.
She needed to let go. Just walk away, without saying goodbye! She blamed
herself now for not telling him anything, not writing any mail. Close the door,
let her life be like it was before - unloved, lonely…
She was the best at hiding, nobody had ever
seen heyingying except Harm (and AJ), and she never showed her broken heart to
anybody but him. And then she walked away, closed the door, without saying
goodbye, without ever knowing … knowing what?
Through the lonely nights she had painted
the moon in different shades of blue, drawn her arms around her waist, and held
herself tight. But the night was still dark, lonely and cold.
She remembered the days she had sworn to
herself that nothing would be able to ruin this friendship, the bond she shared
with Harm. She swore that they would never part. And in the end it had been
rather easy for her to leave, the only way to surrender, to survive.
In the beginning everything had seemed so
easy. She had thought that she would get him out of her head soon but it wasn’t
poss. Sh. She had closed herself up from the world. Each day ended the same,e ale alone at home. And AJ’s visits didn’t make it better. Once or twice she was
about to ask him not to come again but on the other hand he was the only friend
she had left since she wasn’t able to make any new ones here.
Nightmares filled her world of dreams,
nightmares of Harm’s death, of her being a bad mother and forgetting about her
children and other things like that. She was restless, often woke up in the
morning completely wet from sweating, the sheets tangled around her legs.
She had always hated to sleep on her side,
except for somebody to curl against but now alone it was uncomfortable but she
read that pregnant women shouldn’t sleep on their back because the baby(s)
would press onto an important vein and this wouldn’t be good for the blood
circulation. Anyway, she still hated sleeping on her side with a pillow between
her knees to take the pressure off her hips, a nursing bra under her nightshirt
because her breasts were sore all the time.
Those nightmares were filled with a love
that was never meant to be, a love she was trying hard to get over with, trying
hard to forget that it ever existed. She tried hard to banish evsingsingle
thought on him from her head, but everything reminded her on him. The one
picture she had placed over the open fireplace, him and her at a ball and in
the same frame was one of him and her at AJ’s christening. She could see the
sparkles in his eyes, magical!
***
The warm weather was finally finding its
end it heavy rain started. Mac had never been a rain fan; she blamed it on the
time she spent in Bosnia. Anyway, this coldness and wetness was even more
uncomfortable for her now, being pregnant.
Slowly October arrived, and she had an
appointment at her GYN/OB who told her that everything woue fie fine if she
would rest a little more, and take long walks. She countered, in the lovely way
she always argued with Harm, that it would be her life and not his, that she
was sure about what she was doing and that she had a stressful job – even if
this was a lie.
She had a new case to work on, and it kept
her busy. It was just a divorce and nothing she would have been working on
while being at JAG but she liked it, this new stuff. At least she was telling
herself that, and got herself busy over divorce law books in the library.
Three weeks later she had won that case, and
made quite a lot of money. The money she made more than at JAG, which was quite
a bit, was put onto a saving account for later when the babies were there.
Suddenly her cellphone rang.
“MacKenzie,” she answered.
“Mac, it’s AJ.”
“Hello and what can I do for you. I am in
the middle of a supermarket.”
“Oh I am sorry, I can call later again.”
”No, tell me, picking the right yoghurt can wait a little longer.”
“Okay, I’d prefer if you’d sit down but
well, I can't change it.”
”What is it? Something with little AJ?”
“He is fine Mac and keeps asking for you.”
This hit Mac more than everything else. She wanted to hug her little godson.
She even had already picked a Christmas present for him which was waiting to be
wrapped.
“So…?”
“It’s Harm, Mac.”
“What is it with Harm?”
“He needs you.”
“No, AJ we won’t go back into that. He
never needed me and so he won’t need me now,” she replied angrily.
“They brought Renee to the hospital
yesterday because of complications. She fell into coma.”
She never liked the blond TV-bimbo but this
was, she couldn’t find the right word for it, horrible?
“And the baby?”
“He is still doing fine but they aren’t
sure for how much longer. Harm is with her and we all understand that but we
are short handed and I wanted to ask you if … it would be just for a week or
two till Harm is back.”
”No.”
“Mac, please.”
“No, you still have Bud and Sturgis and I
am sure you can find somebody else. I am not coming back after everything that
happened. No way.”
“So maybe its time to tell me what happened
Mac, you never did.”
”This isn't the right time or the right place to discuss this.”
“It’s never been the right time or place
Mac, haven’t you realized that?”
***
Sitting at home three weeks later, her hand
resting on her belly she slowly felt some movements in there and it made her
cry softly that there was nobody to share this with. She hadn’t been checking
her emails since she read Harm’s last email. Now she felt guilty for not being
there for him but on the other hand, he wouldn’t understand her situation, he
would blame her for it. She was in no mood to get into a fight with him over
it. She had wanted a baby, now she was getting two.
Some colleagues wanted to give her a baby
shower the next weekend. Mac had told them that they didn't have to, but those
women refused, telling her that twins were normally early and that they had to have
one …. That they wanted to go baby clothes shopping. Everybody had been so nice
at work to her even if she was distant.
The phone was ringing. She wondered if she
should pick up or not. Slowly she made the way towards the kitchen table where
she had left it.
“Mac?” a familiar voice asked on the other
end.
“Yes. Harriet?” Mac asked in return.
“Yes it’s me Ma’m. I am only calling
because the Admiral asked me to. We need you over here because something's
happened.”
“Is it Harm?”
“Well, yes and no. It’s not him in person
but Renee died last night after they got the baby via caesarean. He’s healthy
and everything but Renee died.”
“I am sorry to hear that”, Mac said and
took a deep breath. She felt the sadness raised her throat. “But why are you
calling me. I left. I am not involved in anything anymore.”
“The admiral told me that you would say so.
But the problem we have here is that Harm refused to see his son. He named him,
“Tristan” because of the sadness he brought. I am not sure why he did it but
anyway. He hasn’t picked up his son yet. The funeral will take place in two
days and the admiral … well we all hoped that you could come and talk to Harm.
He has to take care of his son now.”
There was a pregnant pause.
“I will not promise anything but I think
about it. It is quite a long way and I am really busy.”
“We all know that you are busy but we
really need your help down here.”
***
Mac walked up and down the house thinking
about what to do. How could Harm do this to his only son, his first born? Why
didn’t he name him Harmon as he had probably planned?
So many questions came up.
At night the admiral called himself to ask
if she has made a decision yet and if he can book her a fligut sut she told him
that if she came, she’d go by car because she didn’t want to fly at this stage
of pregnancy anymore knowing the risks.
Both knew that this was a flat lie but neither
cared.
At this point she had made up her mind.
She’d go down to Washington.
lasslass=MsoNormal>She’d talk to Harm and leave afterwards.She knew that it was real.
She knew that it was right and that she
could face the coldness of his face.
&;
***
End Part 1