Do It One More Time

Do It One More Time


by sidewinder

Pairing: Joxer/Autolycus

Warnings: NC-17 m/m smut ahead, so if that ain't yer cup of java,
better look elsewhere!

Archive: joxerotica, when it's finished. Anywhere else, please ask first.

Thanks to Shari for beta-ing; all remaining mistakes are my bad thanks to
changes I made since then :-)

Disclaimers: not my characters, not my show. Written for fun, not for profit.

* * * * *

/ Autolycus,

/

/ I am leaving to find Jett. I need time to work this

/ out and settle things with him, and I need to do

/ this on my own.

/

/ I know what happened was not your fault. But

/ right now I need time to deal with the anger I

/ feel towards both of you.

/

/ I'm sorry. Don't follow me. I'll find you when

/ I'm ready.

/

/ I love you.


Joxer read the note one last time, as the soft light
of dawn crept into the room through the open window.
Satisfied it said what needed to be said, he carefully
placed it on the pillow, and then gave in to
the urge to brush his hand gently, one last time,
through Autolycus' tousled hair. The sleeping man
didn't stir, but Joxer knew he had to leave soon, or
else...

Or else what--lose my nerve? He was far from sure
that he was doing the right thing by leaving, sneaking
out on Autolycus the same exact way that the thief
had once tried to do to him. It was a situation in
which Joxer had never imagined he'd find himself. Now
that he had, he was anything but happy about it.

All night he had debated the same questions, over and
over: whether to leave or to stay, whether to believe
Autolycus' story or not...whether he was overreacting
or perfectly justified in feeling the hurt and
resentment that consumed his thoughts and weighed down
his heart. He wanted desperately to be able to believe
Autolycus, and that what had happened had been an
honest mistake. But he couldn't look at Auto
without seeing him and Jett together...sharing passions
and intimate mom tha that Joxer had wanted to think
were his alone to share with his beloved thief.

Dammit. He wiped angrily at the moisture in his
eyes, which were sore and burning from his lack of
sleep, and no lack of tears. As carefully and quietly
as he could, he finished dressing and gathered his
things, then headed for the door. His hand paused as
he reached for the handle, and he turned back to cast
one last look back at Autolycus.

The mixed emotions that tormented him as he did so
were enough to make him dizzy. I have to go, he
told himself, closing his eyes, trying to compose
himself. I can't take this; I have to sort out why
this is making me so crazy. If he really loves me,
Auto will understand, and we'll be able to work things
out.

He had to believe that was true.

Joxer left the room and closed the door quietly behind
him, struggling to convince himself this act of leaving
wasn't as permanent as it seemed. But he knew he
didn't have time to delay any longer. He quickly
made his way downstairs and out into the still quiet,
sleepy streets of the small village. It was going to
be a long day on the road if he wanted to make it to
Egio by nightfall.

* * * * *

Dawn passed into morning into mid-afternoon before
Joxer finally slowed his pace, realizing it was past
time he take at least a short break. His mind had been
so preoccupied all day that he had not been cognizant
of his grumbling stomach and his sore feet until both
reached near critical condition.

He found a grassy, shady spot off the road and
sat down with a weary sigh, shaking off his bag and
wondering if he actually had anything left to eat in
it. If he'd been thinking clearer this morning he
would have tried to pick up something in the village
before he left...too late for that now. His mother had
packed him off with enough food to last him for a few
weeks at the end of his brief recent visit, but he'd
consumed most of the tastiest snacks already, and Auto
had helped with much of the rest. He found
he still had some dried fruits, a little cheese, and
half a loaf of bread, and that made for an adequate
meal. He ate merely what he needed to sustain himself,
having little appetite to really savor his food, or
barely taste it at all.

Instead, he kept thinking about what he was heading
into--as well as what he'd left behind. What if
Jett's already found Xena and Gabrielle? What if I'm
too late when I get there? Jett was about a day ahead
of him, he figured, based on what Autolycus had
said...not counting the fact that Jett could have
secured a horse and made his way to Egio at a faster
pace than the leisurely one Joxer and Auto had been
setting.

Of course, he had no way of knowing for certain that
the warrior and the bard would even be in Egio for
the festival. Considering Joxer hadn't seen either of
them in months, they might not even be in the country
for all he knew. But what other leads did he have?
None. He merely remembered Gabrielle's enthusiastic
reports about how wonderful last year's festival had
been, and how much she would be looking forward to
future ones. And at the very least, Joxer knew Jett
seemed to be headed in this same direction. The
two of them definitely had a few things to settle,
regardless of Jett's plans for his friends.

That was what he was heading into...and it still left
him the problem of what to do about Autolycus. The
anger that had dominated his thoughts and feelings
earlier was losing some of its fire, since he'd had
some time to recover from shock of it all. In his
anger's place, uncertainty and longing were fast to
take up residence. Suspicions continued to run through
his thoughts: How could he have not known it wasn't
me? Beneath the surface, Jett and I are nothing alike,
couldn't he tell? Or is the surface all he cares
about, and I've been a fool to think otherw Had Hades,
maybe he knew exactly what was going on, and now
he's trying to play stupid to cover it up, to make me
forgive him.

But then he corrected himself, No, I should have more
faith in Autolycus than that. If he wanted to cover up
what had happened, he never would have told me about it
in the first place. The urge to turn around and find
him, and to apologize for leaving him behind
with only a note, was strong. Despite the heartache he
felt, he couldn't imagine what it would be like if he
lost Autolycus for good except that it would no doubt
be a thousand times worse.

Autolycus... As much as he tried to push him out of
his thoughts, he kept seeing his lover's face in his
mind's eye: that smile that always made Joxer's heart
ache; the incredible expression on his face at the
moment before he came... How many times had Joxer
thanked the gods for bringing this man into his life?
Wondered how such an apparently rough match somehow
managed to work, and to thrive? Until now, at least,
he'd thought it was thriving, every day nearly better
than the last. But the fear had always been there for
him, right from the start. How could he hope to hold
on to someone like Autolycus, a man who had sworn off
anything resembling love or commitment years ago?

Joxer shook his head, struggling to dismiss the
thoughts that were getting him nowhere except more
confused. First things first--he had to take care of
his brother; his personal affairs and his love life
would have to wait until later. He picked up his
things and headed off on the road again, knowing he
had several more hours of walking ahead of him before
reaching Egio.

* * * * *

Joxer had no idea he was being watched, and that was
precisely how the King of Thieves intended it.

From a short distance away, he spied Joxer as the
lanky man finished eating, then collected his
belongings and started walking once more. The horse
Autolycus had "liberated" this morning grunted softly,
seemingly impatient to get a move on it as well. But
Autolycus waited, wrapped up in his thoughts and
uncertainties. He had caught up with Joxer easy
enough, but now...now he wasn't sure what he should do
next.

As soon as he'd spotted Joxer on the road, he'd nearly
tossed all caution aside and run right up to him, to
try to apologize one more time for what had happened.
But reason had forced him to stop and think, and to
realize that was no doubt the worst thing he could do.
In his letter, Joxer had specifically asked him not
to follow. To reveal he was doing precisely that would
be violating Joxer's trust in him--a trust Autolycus
knew was already damaged severely...perhaps beyond
repair.

Joxer had said he needed to go after Jett and resolve
this matter alone. Therefore Autolycus would have to
let him--as long as Joxer could take Jett on by
himself. Autolycus would stay back and simply keep an
eye on things from a distance, unless it became clear
that Joxer needed his help.

But still...Gods, this is hard. Even from afar he
could see how much Joxer was hurting, and knowing that
pain was because of him wasn't helping Autolycus'
frame of mind one bit. He just wanted to tell Joxer,
"I screwed up. I'm sorry. What more can I say? What
can I do to make things right again?" Though inside,
he realized Joxer probably didn't know the answer
to those questions yet.

br>
He waited until Joxer was almost out of sight before
getting back on the horse to follow.

* * * * *

The sun had set and the stars were glimmering brightly
in the sky by the time Joxer made it to the city of
Egio. It was nothing more than a moderately large
seaside town, which once a year enjoyed a brief moment
of celebrity by hosting a five-night festival of the
arts. The festival was known and respected
throughout the county, as it always provided attendees
an exciting mixture of new and old performers and
troops, from musicians and poets to dancers and
painters. Bards gathered to share stories, discuss
ideas and trade scrolls; artists in all recognized
fields vied for first place in competitions held
throughout every day, in hopes of finding a patron or
perhaps a scholarship to one of the finer academies in
the land. And in the midst of it all, the simply
curious wandered the streets from stage to stage,
enjoying a few nights of the best talent Greece had to
offer.

It was with a still heavy heart and a nearly exhausted
body that Joxer entered Egio, the sounds of music and
laughter all around him only dampening his spirits
further. There was no excitement or joy to be found
here for him, not as he had originally imagined there
would be. The money he'd saved to purchase his own
lute or lyre, and to cover the entry fee in a
competition or two...he was almost tempted to find the
nearest gambling hall and toss it away. The music in
his heart was bitter, when he could hear it there at
all.

Joxer hoped he could find somewhere to rest for the
night, but judging from the huge crowds he worried
that there might not be room to spare at any inn in
the entire town. He'd be happy with a pile of hay in a
barn if it came down to it--and those were probably in
high demand as well. In the chaos of the noisy
streets, everything seemed a blur and he didn't even
know where to start to look for a place to sleep. And
he was so tired, from being on the road all day
and not sleeping the night before...it was almost
too much effort to do anything but collapse in a quiet
corner somewhere and hope the local thieves anlikmiscreants had too many other targets tonight to
bother with him.

He stopped for a minute as he approached the main
marketplace in the heart of town, to try to get his
bearings in the unfamiliar city. Looking to his left,
he saw a small stage set up in a side street, with
chairs and benches only half-filled. There was a young
man on the stage, reading from a scroll with some
curious degree of theatricality. Joxer walked
over in that direction, thinking those benches looked
like a relief for his feet, and maybe the bard could
distract him for a while. He sat down in the back row
of the makeshift seating area, catching after a few
minutes something about a tale of a prince on a mythic
quest to bring home a gemstone from a dragon's lair.
The story sounded familiar, but Joxer's mind kept
wandering. The mention of gemstones automatically
brought Autolycus to mind...not that he was ever far
from his thoughts.

He applauded politely when he realized some time later
that the man had stopped speaking and the rest of the
audience was clapping enthusiastically. Several people
walked over to the bard to talk to him while the rest
of those gathered began to disperse, off to find some
other entertainment. Joxer was reluctant to get up
from his seat, though, wondering if anyone would mind
if he simply stretched out here for the night and--

"Joxer?" a familiar voice called from somewhere to his
left, startling him. Glancing in that direction, he
blinked when to his surprise he realized it was
"Gabrielle!"

Standing alertly with staff in hand, the traveling
bard and former object of Joxer's affections looked no
different than when he had last seen her. He could
tell the festival had her in good spirits, what with
the excited glimmer in her eyes and the easy smile on
her face. She moved over to sit next to him and said,
"Hey, what a surprise! Didn't know you'd be coming to
the festival. And I almost didn't recognize you
without the, ah...all your...stuff." She waved
her hands about her shoulders and head in a vague
imitation of his old armor.

"Yeah, I um...I got rid most of that, a while ago.
Kind of a long story." He couldn't help himself;
seeing Gabrielle still elicited a bit of that old,
familiar feeling of desire in him. But it was muted
and distant compared to times past, and with someone
else now the primary focus of his heart.

Her amused smile faded as she peered at him more
closely. "You don't look too good, Joxer. Are you
feeling all right?"

"I've been bet It\ It's...been a long day." He yawned,
but tried to shake off his sleepiness. "Hey, is Xena
around? I really needed to find both of you."


\>
"She heard about a little trouble north of here
and went to check it out, but she should make it back
here for the last night or two of the festival. Why,
are you in some kind of trouble?"

"No--well, yes...I mean, you guys are the ones who
might have some trouble. Especially Xena. It's Jett."

"Jett?" she askthenthen after a moment remembered,
"Oh, your brother, right?"

He nodded. "He broke out of prison and he's after
Xena. And probably you, too. I came here hoping to
find you guys to warn you. He could even be in Egio
already; I know he wasn't very far from here a few
nights ago."

"Great, just when I thought I might be able to relax
for a few days," Gabrielle sighed, sounding more
irritated at this potential complication than truly
worried by it. "Well, I think Xena can handle herself
okay. And all I care about is getting through the bards'
competition in two days in peace." She indicated her
bag of scrolls and said, "I still haven't decided
which story I should submit as my entry...but anyway,
have you had anything to eat yet? I'm starved. Maybe
you can help me decide which story would be the best."

Joxer wanted to protest her nonchalance over Jett, but
decided against it. He couldn't quite muster the energy
to get into it, and would worry about it tomorrow. The
prospect of a warm meal was rather appealing. "Sure,
why not."

"Let's go, then. Wait until I tell you what Xena and
I have been up to lately! I wish I had time to write
it all up before the competition, it's going to make
a great story..."

* * * * *