schedule
July 29, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I'd like to offer you some advice and I hope you take it in the way it is intended.
Firstly, about your first paragraph. You should have written: "Dennis" parked his car and turned off the engine. "He" grabbed the bags that were in the passenger seat ... Also, there was no need to keep using Dennis's name when he was the only subject in the paragraph. Instead, you should have used "he". Also, I found it read like a step by step analysis of what Dennis was doing; Dennis did this, Dennis did that. A good writer describes the scene. You could have described he aroma of the cooking, the sizzling of the food in the pan etc. and it would have been much more interesting and captivating to your audience.
Also, you really need to proof read before posting. There are loads of grammatical mistakes and the spaces before the commas and before and after the speech marks is just wrong.
I hope you take my critique in a positive way. After all, we all learn by our mistakes :D
Firstly, about your first paragraph. You should have written: "Dennis" parked his car and turned off the engine. "He" grabbed the bags that were in the passenger seat ... Also, there was no need to keep using Dennis's name when he was the only subject in the paragraph. Instead, you should have used "he". Also, I found it read like a step by step analysis of what Dennis was doing; Dennis did this, Dennis did that. A good writer describes the scene. You could have described he aroma of the cooking, the sizzling of the food in the pan etc. and it would have been much more interesting and captivating to your audience.
Also, you really need to proof read before posting. There are loads of grammatical mistakes and the spaces before the commas and before and after the speech marks is just wrong.
I hope you take my critique in a positive way. After all, we all learn by our mistakes :D
schedule
July 27, 2015 at 12:00 AM
I love dirty talk, especially from these two boys. Thank you, I'm nice and hot now!! ;)