rate_review Reviews

Um...

Just explaining something, I couldn't find this story for a while earlier, leading me to think you took it down for some reason. Um, my apologies. My other review probably looks strange because of that.

Hm...

Just read my way through Elle's Pain Slut, Dawn's Wish, and Disney Girls Don't Have Sex. Generally, the first was great, the second was quite good, and the third had good bits but needed work. So, going to give a serious review of one of your stories. As Pretty Little Liars is probably my favorite series on TV right now this seems like the right one.

Opening works, though I question the phrasing of Aria's "little body." Not terrible, but I generally associate phrases like that with children when applied from an in character perspective.

The flashback cut was hilarious. That struck me as a nice parody of how Pretty Little Liars does exactly that. It looks much sillier in print.

Hm...

So, A's basically tied up Aria's mother and ordered Aria to rape her? Add in Alison knowing that Aria had the hots for her mother...

If we're taking this seriously (which I kind of am) there are problems with this.

First:

"Aria licked her lips. She knew the consequences could be horrible, but she would do just about anything to save her boyfriend, and if that meant Aria had to fulfil one of her biggest fantasies then so be it."

Um...

If Aria does this she's MUCH more screwed than Ezra would be for anything he's done to her. She's fucking raping her own mother! Honestly, threatening to reveal Ezra is not enough for this, even if Aria is hot for her mother.

Second, A isn't really superhuman. Usually. A knowing this much requires more evidence. Now, something much more low key (French kiss, say) could be justified, but going straight to anally violating your mother? That's pretty big, even for A.

Third, if Ella does anything REMOTELY sensible, Aria's going to be in a mental hospital or worse ASAP. Her phone, and the picture of Ezra and Aria, is almost certain to come out anyway.

Overall this just doesn't feel as plausible as any of your previous works. I could definitely believe Claire being a masochist 100%, a lesbian 80%, and attracted to Elle 90%. That all felt quite natural. Buffy/Dawn was justified beautifully, and Miley's seduction was careful enough that I kind of bought it. This just, um, doesn't make sense.

You know, I think it might work of Ella didn't KNOW it was Aria. If that was the case it might be plausible for Aria to take the plunge with this situation and setup. But the consequences are just too dire and heavy to fit here.

Now, back to the fic.

Honestly, Aria probably DOESN'T have the ovaries to do this. It's her mother squirming on the bed. Aria's never really been one for hurting people. She's acting seriously evil here, which just doesn't fit. She can do nasty things, but mostly at a distance. A distance that's not present in this scenario.

Seriously, this isn't like Aria. She doesn't act this well, mature, honestly. She's more cautious and immature. Even with incestuous and dominant feelings I see her doing this very differently. I see her moving to reassure her mother, being gentle, lying her pretty little ass off in justifications, that kind of thing. Aria's honestly making this even harder than it has to be for her mother, which is really pretty sick.

Compared to Dawn (as of Dawn's Wish), Aria is quite a bit less sympathetic. Dawn had some pretty have psychological baggage, proof that Faith and Buffy were at least kind of into it, some serious grievances with her sister, and a reasonable reason to blame Buffy. Aria's just being taken over by this role without any solid reasons.

To be honest, Ella's reaction of stunned silence sounds a lot like shock, rather than any secret willingness or anything. She just seems numb and horrified. Now, maybe you're just writing a rape fic (which I have few problems with) but it doesn't really seem to fit.

"Make me believe it!" Aria demanded, smacking her Mom's butt as she continued fucking it, "Tell me you want to cum like an anal slut!"

Where on Earth is this coming from?

Aria and Ella almost seem like they're reading from a script. When dirty talk came up in Disney Girls Don't Have Sex it WAS a script, with Demi and Selena having rehearsed their lines and Miley falling in line for various reasons. The two seem far too close in what they recite. There isn't a feel that these are two people coming up with dirty talk that suits them.

Honestly, the lack of either one seeming disgusted by this is weird. The coincidence of them both being psychologically able to enjoy it is bizarre. I just don't buy A being able to set this up. Some of A's best scenes are when A loses to the girls. A frequently miscalculates and fails to accomplish schemes. A is a character with capabilities and limits, not really appropriate for figuring something like Aria lusting after her mother and Ella secretly being a submissive slut. Or whatever you're doing with Ella. Um, Ella's bits confuse me.

I know to an extent I should just be enjoying a hot mother daughter sex scene. And I am, but really, you can do much better than this. One of the reasons I'm reviewing this is the very nice character work you did on Dawn and Claire. This just isn't interesting outside of smut.

Aria's thoughts on making Ella her bitch ARE interesting. A bit of longing is nice, but the really interesting bit is that Aria now actively wants something. Aria has a goal, and she uses what she has to put it into action. This is something I like in any story.

Honestly, WTF? Ella and Aria being so sexually compatible just makes no sense. Sure, they might be, but how does A anticipate this? Ella never had anal sex before in her life, and many people just don't care for it, much less have powerful orgasms purely from anal sex. Faith had always had it as a sexual fantasy, Demi and Selena were experienced soulmates, and Miley was just lucky. Elle and Claire were both quite sexually experienced before they event tried it and were also lucky. This is just ridiculous.

Honestly, this was not terrible. I liked a lot of little moments here and there with Aria's thought processes. The whole mother being dominated by her daughter thing is really freaking hot. Just, this had problems, and you've done much better.

So, the first chapter was a failure. Now for chapter II!

The opening is pure awesome. I am dead serious. It sets up the conflict right away. Things are happening NOW and we can be carried through with it. Spencer is also just the type of person to do this. Full stop this is the best opening you could have given.

Ooh...:

Toby was pretty lucky to survive that fall, don't you think? If you want him to stay lucky you better do everything your sister says tonight.

- A

That's just NASTY! I say that in the best possible way. We know already that this is an incest fic, so that builds tension in a very nice way. I am quite happy.

This opening is golden. It gives lots of information, maintains Spencer and Mellisa's characters, and is full of energy as the two fight and argue.

"Immediately Melissa looked away. Why wouldn't she? She wasn't some sick pervert like this A person. But something drew her eyes to her younger sister. Maybe it was curiosity, maybe her own sister stripping naked in her room was to weird to ignore, especially under the circumstances, but Melissa found her brain turning off as she watched, mesmerised by this... unique sight."

Holy shit that's better than anything in the last chapter. Just, perfect. I really want to keep gushing here. This is so much more realistic and well developed than the first chapter. I'm full of joy at this improvement. There's SO little great Pretty Little Liars fanfic out there, and this is shaping up to qualify.

Given certain reveals, I'm guessing that Toby is the A behind this. I'm guessing he just REALLY wanted to see Spencer and her sister have sex.

Spencer is so beautiful here. She's my favorite Liar, and you've captured her, my beautiful knight, powering through her pain and humiliation, eager for revenge on A. Mellisa is quite nice as well. I believe her enjoying this a bit, especially as she has no choice about it. Spanking her brat of a sister (Spencer can be a brat, as wonderfully awesome as she is) could be quite fun.

"But what choice did Spencer have?"

Hm, a 17 year old with wealthy parents and a half-brother sympathetic to her plight and a young adult man who is capable of supporting himself financially. Why, it would be RIDICULOUS to tell the Hastings parents or Jason that you were being harassed by an escalating stalker who is effectively ordering their family members to rape each other. A plane trip to a tropical island (perhaps one with questionable extradition considering A's evidence on them) would be absolutely not ever be an option.

Admittedly, they haven't done that in the show, but as in the last chapter, this is honestly an escalation that the well written show hasn't approached.

I think A really, seriously needs something more to hold over the girls here. Both Aria's chapter and this one are absolutely terrifying to any sane person. Even assuming all the Liars end up REALLY enjoying what A does to them (plausible) they've got absolutely no way of knowing that A meant for this. As far as they can tell A's just decided to rape them and their family members. Sure, A presumably has video, but all of them could point to A's being a serial killer and Mrs. Hastings could probably protect them pretty well. This is an escalation of total war. Honestly even of they COULDN'T be protected from various rape charges and A could convict them of Alison's murder this is scary enough that going to prison might not be the worst thing they could do.

Mellisa is pregnant, or Spencer thinks she is, in this fic? Hm, that's a whole new fetish, yay! Also mixed the timeline up a bit, which could be a good or a bad thing.

"After reminding herself why she was doing this Spencer shut her eyes tight and got on with this latest act of humiliation. Although this went beyond humiliation. This was incest."

And rape. Don't forget rape. Hm, perhaps there are legal issues with calling it that, but from a moral sense threatening the life of someone you love unless you penetrate your sister is absolutely rape.

Wow! That was incredible! Definitely one of your best chapters, actually. Up there with Elle's Pain Slut. Just, DAMN! That was as good as I could have hoped. I loved chapter two!

Huh?

Okay, perhaps other text messages from A explain it, or a picture message, or something, but from the initial texts, putting yourself into her bed, naked, is a pretty big leap. Um, where does Emily get the impression that Ashley wants Emily in her bed naked?

I do like that Emily wanted to do this anyway. That does make it a bit more plausible. I also believe that Emily wouldn't want to piss A off. This is also MUCH less threatening. With the first two chapters A seemed crazy enough that pretty much anything would be better than giving into this sociopath's demands, while here there's a lot less risk and a lot more choice involved. Here, Emily could just be disregarded as a crazy teen who needed to understand boundaries. Given how nice Ashley is I doubt more than counseling could come from it.

Hm. Now I'm curious if A caused their relationship or not. For that matter, is "all" that A is after Emily taking it up the butt? Compared to "incest" that's rather tame. Simply being invasive and creepy and MAYBE a bit rapey instead of "leave the country before A asks you to kill someone" creepy.

I do find it interesting that Emily claims not to love Ashley. That honestly surprised me. I'd think that Emily wouldn't have a sexual affair with someone she didn't love, based on her past relationships. Mostly because she is very capable of having incredibly hot girlfriends with more sexual experience than her. You do cover it, but Emily has had more love interests than anyone else on the show. I think. Needing her best friend's mom for a sexual partner seems very slightly OOC.

Hm, really not much to say about this chapter. It was mostly a long sex scene. A hot one, but I generally don't like reviewing scenes like that. Overall it was nice. It felt fairly soft and pleasant. A nice change of pace from the very intense first two scenes.

Okay, that's interesting. Mona is A. Perhaps not all of A, but still A. Does Mona want to fuck Hanna, is A not Mona, are there forces at work involving Mona, or what?

Hm, honestly the third "I'll harm your boyfriend" threat could have been done better. It's perfectly functional, but you'd think A would be more creative.

"Besides, she's totally a bottom."

I giggled. Yeah, she probably is. She certainly seemed that way with Ashley. Maya was clearly on top, same with that blond girl. Paige is mixed, but definitely more butch.

Hm, if I could criticize your writing generally for a moment, I'd say you could use more actual LBGT culture in your fics. There's a lot of pornography lesbians, but bringing in humor or details from the culture would be a nice touch, especially with your longer fics.

Hm, I wonder where in time these stories are taking place. If I had to guess they seem to be working backwards, though conceivably they could all be at once or on the same night or something.

Yep, Mona DOES seem to be involved with A this time. She just initiates this way too easily. At least that's my reading of the fic.

"And she did. She didn't really have much choice, but this was the first thing A had told her to do which she actually wanted to do, and Hanna was doing her best to focus on that and nothing else."

This is quite interesting. I see Hanna as the straighest member of the group, but Mona knows her better than I would, and Mona wanting to get control of Hannah through a relationship would fit her motivation.

"It tasted ok. Not horrible or amazing, just ok." Oh fuck YES! You have no idea how annoying the "pussy tastes like candy" but you've pulled in every fic has been. Sure, I believe some taste better than others and some like the taste better than others, but the idea that every girl loves the act off cunnilingus is just so...

"At first."

*sighs*

I love Alison showing up in flashback. It sounds just like her.

Ooh, I love Crazy!Mona. Interesting bits of double meaning here. I totally buy all of this from Mona's perspective.

Hm. Honestly, I might have liked it if Hanna HADN'T liked having sex with Mona. Just a thought. Not been horrified or disgusted or anything, but just not gotten anything out of it. Maybe came, maybe not. That would have been interesting, especially with Crazy!Mona involved. Probably not what you were looking for given you're writing pornography, but A flat out failing at the "make them all lesbians" plan would have been interesting. Hm, ARGUABLY that happened with Spencer though, come to think of it.

Okay, so Mona's A is Mistress A. Now that's an interesting twist. A is almost certainly not controlling Mona sexually in canon, but the A-Team being a harem (counting Toby and anyone else) would actually explain their dynamics.

My favorite chapter is still the second, but that's a decent chapter. I was glad I read it.

A chapter from A's point of view?

Unexpected.

Oh, so is this A as a lone agent/Mona's personalities or A as a cabal? This seems a bit ambiguous. I wonder if that's intentional or not. Mistress A having a pussy does imply that Mistress A is a person, while the mentioning of Mona'a alter ego implies she might not be real.

So, Mona's in love with Hanna. That takes no imagination what so ever to be honest. Also makes Mona's relationship with Mistress A a bit stranger.

Hm, the ending felt like a cliffhanger to me. I REALLY want to see a more collective "aftermath" chapter. Or possibly a full length fic exploring their new lives.

Overall, the fic was a B. Terrible first chapter, perfect second chapter, and the last three chapters were all quite solid. I was honored to read your story and I hope to read more great stuff from you in the future. Good luck, MTL.

Though the first part was outrageously unrealistic, this story is gradually starting to grow on me.
And aside from that first chapter (which I'd either erase or completely rewrite if I were you), you do a pretty good job of writing the PLL's characters voices & personalities.
For example, in this latest chapter I really liked the "cherry chapstick" line--very A.

Anyhow, keep up the good work, MTL.