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schedule
April 14, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I think you did an ok job here, but you could do a lot better.
If you lengthened the story a bit more, added more detail, that would help. You have almost as much original stuff in here length-wise as you have stuff copied and described from the episode. I think it's good that you include that stuff, because some people might not have seen/remember the episode, but you should have a little more original stuff, too.
When you add detail, things don't seem quite as rushed. Your fic, even though it's a one-shot, could still be longer and it would be better. I thought pretty much everything in the actual sex scene could be extended. There were a few times I had to go back and re-read sentences because I thought I missed something.
Anyway this was one of my favorite episodes and I'm glad you chose it. I always thought that was a fun spin for the writers to show Torres and Chakotay for one ep.
If you lengthened the story a bit more, added more detail, that would help. You have almost as much original stuff in here length-wise as you have stuff copied and described from the episode. I think it's good that you include that stuff, because some people might not have seen/remember the episode, but you should have a little more original stuff, too.
When you add detail, things don't seem quite as rushed. Your fic, even though it's a one-shot, could still be longer and it would be better. I thought pretty much everything in the actual sex scene could be extended. There were a few times I had to go back and re-read sentences because I thought I missed something.
Anyway this was one of my favorite episodes and I'm glad you chose it. I always thought that was a fun spin for the writers to show Torres and Chakotay for one ep.
schedule
April 1, 2006 at 12:00 AM
that was arousing. you got me all hot and bothered, and those two aren't really my fav romantic pair. awesome job. (goes to smoke cigarette)