rate_review Reviews

I'm sorry, but one of the first things I want to say is, when you hit the review button it says "Review Now" as if it were a demand and not a seggestion. Well, all in all that was an amazing story, very well written and amazingly thought-out. Very Tristian and Rory, bye.

good ideas, there. do yourself a favour, though. check out a guide to comma usage. also, writing is best when a message is conveyed in as few words as lyricism and flow would permit. it's not necessary to describe everything, and simply put, it gets dull. take for example, "She had a hungry look in her eyes when she pulled his body forward and crushed his lips with hers, sliding her tongue against his in a rough, massaging sweep." you would assume that "a rough, massaging sweep" would be achieved if there was sliding of the tongue going down. your entire story sounds rather clinical, as if the reader were a scientist, coldly observing an animal ritual. try to focus more on what your characters may be feeling an thinking.
i don't mean to be critical in a mean way. i must say that your story is very well-laid out; it fitsetheether like two pieces of a jigsaw. good thought went into motives.

Awww! That was so sweet, but sad.

I can't believe you killed Rory.

omg, this was amising. really, just wow.