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September 6, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Great job! I know how hard it is to capture the voices and mannerisms of your characters but you have done a fine job of exicuting it! That said, I would like to offer some constructive criticism that may help you to better improve your writing skills.
First of all I found numerous instances where words were jumbled ot doubled. I know that it happens when cutting and pasting but do be aware of it. Check your work to make sure that it is readable before you post. Yes, sometimes it's easy to forget, especially when you want to get that next chapter out of you hair but do not sacrifice quality for speed.
Second. you should shy away from using British slang and sayings. Sara and Grissom live in Las Vegas. They would more than likely not use such terms as "Sod off" or "tidy up", while I don't believe that Gris would say "fuck" I'll let that one slide as it is a common enough expression here in the states. I do understand that British English is your native language but The members of CSI speak American English. Just something to remember.
Third, and this is a big pet peeve of mine but it should be considered a big no no in all writing, don't use dialectal language. Yes Nicky is a Texan and he does have a certain drawl to his speech but don't try to put the dialect in the dialogue it makes it harder to read. I will admit that I am just as guilty of doing it but I only did it for one scene and the character useing the dreaded dialect was never heard from again. It bugs me that professional writers do this as well. I return books that have this throughout the book. While the Texan accent and dialect aren't that hard to understand, or write for that matter, try reading something that is almost entirely written with the Scottish Brogue. Just don't do it.
Fourth: While your description is verry good it would make for easier reading if you didn't use incomplete sentences or one sentence paragraphs. The latter can be used to great effect if it isn't over used but in 22 chapters it was used to profusion.
Lastly is Murphy's Law. I kept waiting to see what what other monkey wrench you would come up with. I do understand that it was a lovely angsty piece but please! some of the situations seemed contrived at best and laughable at worst, trust me I was laughing at some of them. No one has that much bad luck on a good day let alone in one year! what's next? The car breaks down in the middle of the Navada Desert, both their cells stop working and Grissom has to deliver the baby himself? I sincerely hope that not the direction you're going. Enough is enough. Get them back to Vegas and to a hospital.they have been through enough angst.
Feel free to contact me at the above address. Over all, I thought it was a marvelous story and I can't wait to read the next chapter it just needs a little tweeking.
Ithilin
First of all I found numerous instances where words were jumbled ot doubled. I know that it happens when cutting and pasting but do be aware of it. Check your work to make sure that it is readable before you post. Yes, sometimes it's easy to forget, especially when you want to get that next chapter out of you hair but do not sacrifice quality for speed.
Second. you should shy away from using British slang and sayings. Sara and Grissom live in Las Vegas. They would more than likely not use such terms as "Sod off" or "tidy up", while I don't believe that Gris would say "fuck" I'll let that one slide as it is a common enough expression here in the states. I do understand that British English is your native language but The members of CSI speak American English. Just something to remember.
Third, and this is a big pet peeve of mine but it should be considered a big no no in all writing, don't use dialectal language. Yes Nicky is a Texan and he does have a certain drawl to his speech but don't try to put the dialect in the dialogue it makes it harder to read. I will admit that I am just as guilty of doing it but I only did it for one scene and the character useing the dreaded dialect was never heard from again. It bugs me that professional writers do this as well. I return books that have this throughout the book. While the Texan accent and dialect aren't that hard to understand, or write for that matter, try reading something that is almost entirely written with the Scottish Brogue. Just don't do it.
Fourth: While your description is verry good it would make for easier reading if you didn't use incomplete sentences or one sentence paragraphs. The latter can be used to great effect if it isn't over used but in 22 chapters it was used to profusion.
Lastly is Murphy's Law. I kept waiting to see what what other monkey wrench you would come up with. I do understand that it was a lovely angsty piece but please! some of the situations seemed contrived at best and laughable at worst, trust me I was laughing at some of them. No one has that much bad luck on a good day let alone in one year! what's next? The car breaks down in the middle of the Navada Desert, both their cells stop working and Grissom has to deliver the baby himself? I sincerely hope that not the direction you're going. Enough is enough. Get them back to Vegas and to a hospital.they have been through enough angst.
Feel free to contact me at the above address. Over all, I thought it was a marvelous story and I can't wait to read the next chapter it just needs a little tweeking.
Ithilin
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September 5, 2005 at 12:00 AM
This is a great story, I'm really enjoying it. I can't wait for the next chapter to be up.
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September 5, 2005 at 12:00 AM
This is a great story....I just love it. I've been checkin up on it whenever, whereever I'm online, reading every new chapter as soon as possible. This is great! I can't wait for the next chapter.
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August 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM
That last line is too funny. I am glad Sara was not hurt, this story rocks and I love updates!
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August 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Hi Hazeleyes
WOW! words fail this story is so good I told you once before I would pay to read your work. To have the pleasure of reading it and commenting is wonderful. Next chapter please and do kick Ecklie's bahookie! PS did Mary become your mother in law? What will happen to Warrick and Cathy> Does Lyndsay have issues with Warrick? Does Greg find anyone and if so whom. Will Nick find Love> Can you finish the tale i cannot wait
Much thanks Annie
WOW! words fail this story is so good I told you once before I would pay to read your work. To have the pleasure of reading it and commenting is wonderful. Next chapter please and do kick Ecklie's bahookie! PS did Mary become your mother in law? What will happen to Warrick and Cathy> Does Lyndsay have issues with Warrick? Does Greg find anyone and if so whom. Will Nick find Love> Can you finish the tale i cannot wait
Much thanks Annie
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August 7, 2005 at 12:00 AM
i LOVE your story...the characters were so believable...the plot was good- the cliff hangeers drove me crazy and made me keep reading even though it was 5 am on a school night.
please please please dont forget about this story and update it soon- i really want to know what happens. i have a sneaky suspision that sara is gonna loose the baby...or that she'll die but they'll save the baby...god if something happens what will grissom do??
see, you HAVE to finish it, please. i never review stories but i really want you to continue.
please please please dont forget about this story and update it soon- i really want to know what happens. i have a sneaky suspision that sara is gonna loose the baby...or that she'll die but they'll save the baby...god if something happens what will grissom do??
see, you HAVE to finish it, please. i never review stories but i really want you to continue.
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July 25, 2005 at 12:00 AM
GAH!
I just spent every free moment at work reading this story... please tell me that there will be a short wait for the next part! Excellent, simply excellent. I loved your "Holiday" story, but I think that this one even tops it.
I just spent every free moment at work reading this story... please tell me that there will be a short wait for the next part! Excellent, simply excellent. I loved your "Holiday" story, but I think that this one even tops it.
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July 8, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Just re read this well written story. Do wish you would complete it.
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June 14, 2005 at 12:00 AM
I rarely read longer fan fiction, but your story is fantastic. Even if you don't decide to finish it, you have a real gift for writing and fiction. Seriously. Maybe there are romance novels in your future. :)
Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us!
Thank you so much for sharing your talent with us!
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June 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Glad you're back. Can't wait for the next intallment. Will Sara be angry at Gil for him withholding memory return? Post soon.